Sunday, November 30, 2008

Holiday leftovers

As we continue to recover from the big Thanksgiving weekend, here are a few of my thoughts on this traditional American ordeal.

My favorite newspaper ad: From Universal selling DVDs. The ad features a full page Norman Rockwell painting of a wholesome American family at the dinner table. The headline is: HOLIDAYS BRING FAMILIES TOGETHER. Inserted into the picture are DVDs of HELLBOY, THE MUMMY, WANTED, and BURN AFTER READING.

How sleazy is this? Several companies that are going out of business in January are selling gift cards?

The best moment of the Macy’s Parade wasn’t shown. One of the balloons slammed into Matt, Meredith, and Al. This is why we all have to watch ourselves. There’s a balloon out there with our name on it too.

I’d like to see Lewis Black host the parade?

Billy Ray Cyrus’ one true talent was producing Miley. She performed on a float.

James Taylor singing “America the Beautiful” at the parade was very moving. Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up” on a float with puppets was not.

When I saw the Citibank commercial on the parade I thought, “As a taxpayer, am I the one paying for that ad?” It’s bad enough I have to watch the damn thing. “Citibank never sleeps” – yeah, right. How about this for their slogan: "Safe since whenever the government bail out kicks in."

Wow! Was CBS lucky! Their big Thanksgiving Day NFL match up was 10-1 Tennessee vs. 0-11 Detroit. Guess who won.

More competitive was the NBC National Dog Show (which I actually love).

I’d be a terrible judge. I would automatically give Best in Show to any Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier.

How’s this for a new reality show? FETCHING WITH THE STARS.

Washington Wizards' head coach Eddie Jordan got word he was fired at 7:30 AM Thanksgiving morning outside the arena as he and his wife were handing out turkeys as part of a Wizards outreach program. Nice. I wonder how they did it. "Tell you what Eddie, we can handle things here. Why don't you stand in the other line with the people who are out of work and need a turkey?"

Great seeing the CHEERS Thanksgiving episode again. You can’t believe the shit we got for that show. All the “stop the hunger” groups were outraged over the food fight. Protests, articles, everything short of hanging the NBC peacock in effigy. I see their point and share their concern but Jesus, guys! It’s one comedy scene. We weren’t advocating world food riots.

Thanks to you all for the lovely comments on Bill Drake.

I love Thanksgiving Day marathons. I miss THE HONEYMOONERS but SMOKING GUN PRESENTS is pretty cool.

Notice how the big Thanksgiving weekend releases were all one-word titles? BOLT, AUSTRALIA, TWILIGHT, and family favorite MILK.

There’s always at least one Thanksgiving dish that some relative proudly makes every year that even the dog wouldn’t eat.

A show of hands. Who was at Kohl’s at 4 A.M. Friday to take advantage of that amazing “ten dollars off everything!!!!” offer?

Meanwhile, a Wal-Mart worker was trampled to death in Long Island by crazed shoppers breaking down the doors and bursting into the store. Fisher-Price Elmo Live, only $58.95. That’s worth killing a person to get.

And then two customers pulled guns and shot each other to death at the Palm Desert, Ca. TOYS R’ US. Riverside County sheriff's Sgt. Dennis Gutierrez said the fight was not over a toy. That’s a relief. I’d hate to think three people died over Fisher-Price Elmo Live.

By Saturday I didn’t know what I was sick of more – leftover turkey or football. Nevada at Louisiana Tech for Chrissakes! Can’t some cable network run a GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW marathon?

New York Giant Paxico Burress did not play in Sunday's game after accidentally shooting himself in the leg Friday night in a Manhattan club. Oops. That pesky concealed weapon of his went off. What was doing with a loaded gun in a nightclub in the first place? There are NFL handgun policies forbidding this and what does it say about the NFL when they even have to HAVE handgun policies?

ROSIE LIVE! is dead! Just because the premiere of Rosie O’Donnell’s NBC variety show was the most jaw-dropping cringeworthy show of maybe all-time she’s decided to pull the plug. Coward! Rosie, you could have saved it. Rip Taylor, Richard Simmons, Rene Taylor, Joanne Worley, Gallagher, Vanilla Ice, Andrew Dice Clay, Sanjaya, Ant – all these great guests were available and could have saved it.

I posted every day during the four-day weekend... despite the fact that very few people read them. So if you're just logging on, scroll down for more. I put a lot of effort into the "How I Censored Your Mother" post.

Hope you had a great weekend, got home safely, and are still talking to your family.


D. McEwan said...

Did you say FETCHING WITH THE STARS, or FELCHING WITH THE STARS? I know which I'd rather watch.

Damn! That Porn classification just kicked in again. Sorry.

There's an easy way to avoid that football-overload problem, which I have employed every Thanksgiving my whole life. It involves not watching any. I went to see the new Bond movie instead, depite it's overwritten, three-word title. I liked it too.

Speaking of best parade moments not broadcast, apparently the Hollywood Christmas Parade (Now officially retitled "The Hollywood Santa Parade". Is it now ALL just marching Santas?) isn't being broadcast at all. Bob Eubanks is too busy?

Anonymous said...

Just found your holiday musings. I had the same thought about ALL the Citibank ads I see!! Oh, and the contest they are running, are taxpayers eligible to play and win? Don't even get me started!

The Onion had a great headline: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine and Letting Your Mother Know What You Really Think

Anonymous said...

Hey, I read all your posts, in the vain attempt to completely avoid my family all weekend.

Anonymous said...

You do know what the Rick Astley "Never Gonna Give You Up" bit was, right?

One of the rare instances when TV got an internet meme right. Very clever.

Joe W. said...

The Big Bang Theory has been nailing internet memes pretty well. And 30 Rock managed 2 (two!) references to Lemon Party. Best one as said by Liz's father Richard: "It's not a Lemon Party without old Dick!"

If you don't know what "lemon party" is, I don't recommend you go look it up.

Corinne said...

I got a big kick out of Rick Astley singing on the float. I haven't seen him in years. He looked so prep when he hit it big, which was a big attraction for me.

Washington Wizards' head coach Eddie Jordan got word he was fired at 7:30 AM Thanksgiving morning outside the arena as he and his wife were handing out turkeys as part of a Wizards outreach program.

No, Jordan was notified last Monday morning after delivering Thanksgiving turkeys to the needy with his wife. There's never a good time to fire someone, but despite four playoff appearances in five years the Wizards have a 1-10 record this season with star players like Gilbert Arenas on the injured list and a really weak defensive game.

Here is a Washington Post online discussion about Jordan's firing (registration may be required to view it):

Arakasi said...

Porn movies have a long tradition of taking mainstream movie titles and changing a word or a few letters to change the meaning.

MILK is the first movie I've run across that reversed that process

Mary Stella said...

More competitive was the NBC National Dog Show (which I actually love).

I watch that, too. I'm a sucker for dog shows, but they ticked me off this year with their editing. The show actually takes place a week before Thanksgiving, so they already knew what dogs won their respective groups. Consequently, they didn't spotlight all the different dogs in the groups.

My English Cocker Spaniels and I were very disappointed that their breed representative was skipped!

Jayne said...

Fortunately, I managed to miss the entire parade. I can't believe there was a time when I looked forward to that. It's just all so awful. Was it always that bad?

Did watch the Dog Show though. In my dog show only Cavalier King Charles Spaniels and Golden Retrievers would ever win so I too would not make a good judge!

After dinner, we all sat down and watched The Bob Newhart Show, WKRP in Cincinnati and Cheers Thanksgiving episodes. Laughter all around!

It was a fun weekend but now there's 7 inches of snow on the ground and it's cold and windy and I want to move away from this frozen tundra immediately!

My verification word is mogie! A mint flavored stogie!

VP81955 said...

Imagine if Rosie's variety show had melded with the "Star Wars Christmas Special"! That would be a blending of species which would frighten even Dr. Moreau.

Verification word: "sworyosi." Probably some really obscure Swahili dialect.

Second verification word: "chepord." Must be something you wear.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Vanilla Ice was a pretty interesting guest on Talkshow with Spike Feresten a few weeks ago.

Ben said...

"There’s always at least one Thanksgiving dish that some relative proudly makes every year that even the dog wouldn’t eat."

True story: for the second consecutive year, while making the gravy for Thanksgiving dinner, Mom accidentally added confectioner's sugar instead of flour. Two years running. Dad and I are watching the Lions get the crap beaten out of them when we hear "Oh, God dammit!" from the kitchen...

jbryant said...

A 70 yr old neighbor of mine who is a big Rosie fan bailed on her live variety special after 15 minutes. Amazing, huh? That she made it that long, I mean.

Great Big Radio Guy said...

Now we move on to my least favorite activity - wondering if it's Chanukah, Channukah, Hannukah or Hanukah.

Mike Bell said...

I gave up watching the Macy's parade years ago. Still, I'm upset I missed Rick Astley's appearance in the parade.

Brilliant! A major portion of midtown N.Y.C. and millions of TV viewers RickRolled!


Mike Bell said...

BTW - I too thought it said FELCHING WITH THE STARS. But isn't that TMZ?

gottacook said...

I did read your posts every day this past week, remotely from my dad's (180 miles northeast of here) in one case.

Didn't see ROSIE LIVE!, but the baseline for variety-show awfulness, in my book, is the first episode (of three that aired?) of MARY in fall 1978. Anyone else here see that? Probably the best part (this isn't saying much) was the "Ed Asner Dancers."

jbryant said...

Off topic, but wow: Frasier and Lilith are coming to the big screen -- sort of. Today's Hollywood Reporter announces that Kelsey and Bebe have been cast as teachers in the upcoming remake of Fame.

Jayne said...

Well, that's about the only thing that will get me to actually SEE the upcoming remake of Fame!

Chicago Joe said...

What's with all the jokes about the Harvey Milk movie?

Ref said...

Milk does not equal MILF, even remotely!

Joey H said...

I don't know why the network won't show the Macy's parade accidents. It's always worked for NASCAR.

LouOCNY said...

I don't know why the network won't show the Macy's parade accidents. It's always worked for NASCAR.

One year they showed Santa going in Macy's after the parade...and he forgot to tighten his belt up, and his/her drawers drooped...

verification: 'equerpi' - spunds like a new math term....

second verification: alggestr..somebody misplaced the 'e'

LouOCNY said...

almost forgot: there really is only one dog show to watch on TV: both days of Westminster...

verification: preck no comment needed

Joe said...

What's with all the jokes about the Harvey Milk movie?

Because, regardless of the tragedy involved, some names are just funny.

Anonymous said...

Am I not the only one who thinks Susan left the best comment?

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Anonymous said...
Am I not the only one who thinks Susan left the best comment?"

Well I'm sure Susan agrees, and can get you a swell deal on car insurance.

So MILK = Moms I'd Like to Kill? Hmmm. Fortunately, mine had the kindness to die on her own, back during WWII.

Cheers darling.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Hey, Susan, you're a spammer. To quote Shakespeare, "First thing let's do, let's kill all spammers." That's Vinnie Shakespeare from Hoboken.

Seriously, Ken, you gotta watch those people.

D. McEwan said...

Say Susan, should such a shaplely spammer such shabby spamming show?

Repeat rapidly.

What's you name?




What do you do, Sue?




So you have a brother?


What's his name?




What does Sy do, Sue?

Spams Sue.

Sy spams sue?