Monday, February 16, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 36

Now begins the fun part of AMERICAN IDOL, when the 36 top contestants sing for America and get rejected by YOU.

Side note: Was there anything more boring than last Wednesday night’s show? Not one but two hours of watching anxious kids walk the grounds of Flava Flav’s mansion or wherever they hell they were to be told yay or nay by Simon and the Three Stooges.

To prepare you for the festivities ahead, my daughter Annie and I will provide all the information you need to go into these next rounds suitably prejudiced.

Before we start, it seems unfair that kids with recording contracts or starring roles in WICKED should be in competition with oil rig hard hat guys. Isn’t the idea to give people a chance who otherwise couldn’t meet Clive Davis if Clive ran them over with his car?

That said, here are some of this year’s candidates.


Adam Lambert – He’s from San Francisco. He’s in the LA production of WICKED, and people were shocked to hear he’s gay. Should do great on Andrew Lloyd Webber night, really bad on red neck country night.

Michael Sarver – Works on an oil rig. Has never heard of WICKED.

Alexis Grace – 21 with a kid. Hey, it worked for Fantasia. Hopes to get a recording contract and afford day care. Does great Celine Dion impression. Is that a good thing?

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.

Danny Gokey – Great singer. Wife died. He would have made it anyway.

Jorge Nunez – Sang in Spanish. Did I miss something? Is this Puerto Rico Idol?

Scott MacIntyre – Blind. That alone should put him in the top 5. As a bonus, he can actually sing!

Jackie Tohn – Didn’t bring down the house in Hollywood but brought down the screen in her New York audition. She says phrases like: “What up with the what-ups?” Gibberish to the rest of the world but Randy Jackson.

Nathaniel Marshall -- 18, mom’s in prison, cries a lot, sports multiple studs, wears headbands, bandanas, can snap his toes. Will either become AMERICAN IDOL or QUEEN FOR A DAY.

Nick Mitchell – Also known as “Norman Gentle”, a flamboyant diva bad lounge act. Always sings in this character. Still more genuine than Tatiana.

Taylor Vaifauna – (pictured above) 16, Polynesian, and of course is from Utah.

Anoop Desai – Slumdog Idol.

Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.

Kristen McNamara – Blonde, can yodel. Better hope there’s yodeling week. Otherwise, no chance.Bold
Jesse Langseth – We have no idea.

Ricky Brady – Same with this guy. Who the hell is he?

Pretty girl/sings pretty well – AnnaMarieBoskovichCaseyCarlsonKendallBeardMeganCorkreyMishavonnaHensonStevieWright

Pretty boy/sings pretty well – AlexWagnerTrugmanBrentKeithKaiKalamaKrisAllenMattGiraudVonSmith

May the least offensive, least derivative, best looking person who sleeps with Paula win.

41 comments:

VP81955 said...

Who hails from the South? They tend to have the advantage in this thing. Those yahoos down there take this event seriously, as if it was college football or NASCAR.

wv: "trappedl" -- a driedel that also catches vermin. Quite a versatile item.

BW said...

Definitely a lot of pretty girls who are pretty good singers but not American Idols. And by and large they're cute brunettes with adorable flaws of all sorts, not just homogenous pretty blondes. My hats are off to the producers in that regard.

But this is a SINGING competition, and the only singer who is really catching my ear thus far is the pretty-in-her-own-right Jasmine Murray.

emily said...

"Ricky Brady – Same with this guy. Who the hell is he?"

You must have missed Will Ferrell's epic "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Brady"

rhamilton said...

I dunno, man, last time I checked Puerto Rico was a part of, like, America.

Anonymous said...

What is your fascination with this drek? It has singlehandedly cost more TV writers their jobs than any other concept in television history. Shouldn't you hate it? I don't understand.

Nathan said...

If you just listen to the sound, you'd swear they've been torturing Tatiana all along. I don't know about her, but I've had enough.

And headband guy is a close second on the competition for most annoying. Let's crank the bands a little tighter and see if his head will pop. Now that would be some quality programming.

Jayne said...

Gotta agree a million percent on Tatiana! Good lord! I just want to smack the shit out of her every time I see her. I cannot believe they allowed this through. Well, of course, this is also the same crowd that allowed Sanjaya through!

I just want Danny Gokey and his dead wife to go far because he's from Milwaukee. And he can sing too.

Chris Riesbeck said...

I've never watched Idol, but it sounds like they'd be crazy to get rid of Tatiana any time soon. Half the audience will keep tuning in week after week to see if this is the week she gets dumped.

VW: untelvan -- which is indeed a VW, for spies who don't have a clue

Rock Golf said...

"Slumdog Idol" - classic. This sobriquet will now stick to Anoop like tandoori chicken to a clay pot. Please tell me you've visited votefortheworst.com - the first and possibly most famous Idol snark site. I've passed a link to this column to 'em.

Joao said...

Rhamilton,

Actually, Puerto Rico does have its own version of American Idol. And my mom watches it religiously.

Kirk Jusko said...

"best-looking person who sleeps with Paula wins."

That kind of leaves out the girls, unless they're lesbians, and Paula's bi.

BAMBILAND said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bambiland said...

I had to join the discussion so I could express how MY LOVE FOR TATIANA JUST GROWS AND GROWS - I too was put-off in the beginning, but then I experienced the Tatiana Revolution of Love Awakening. You will too, if you open your heart ;)

Did you know her fans are calling her the next Madonna?

Did you know she has the #1 fan group "Titanic Tatiana" of all 36 on the official American Idol site? It's true, click my name Bambiland and see for yourself.

Did you know Mother Theresa is one of her idols?

She's also survived 8 hurricanes, and can create energy out of nothing. She's not a drama queen - the show's portrayed her like that for ratings. She wants this as bad as everyone else, and just doesn't mask her fear and insecurity like other contestants. She has a good, honest soul. Her determination to keep striving forward, believing in herself, should be inspiring to others.
She's been singled out and ridiculed by the other contestants, and still doesn't let it get to her. While most people in her position would succumb to all the hate surrounding them, or become defensive and hate back, she just respects how they feel and sings on.
And it's inspired her fans too - to just keep on believing. Believing in LOVE, DREAMS, and seeing the GOOD in everyone and everything.
I hope people will start to see the magic and love that really is Tatiana.
TATIANA = LOVE

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Magic and love that is Tatiana? It's a fucking aging talent show, not a quest for world peace.

Nathan said...

Psst. We're voting Bambiland off of the island, right?

Bambiland said...

Nathan and Rory, I value your opinions. And I know it seems nutty. The Tatiana Movement of Love caused quite an uproar in the Idol Forums. But we're all entitled to our own ideas, aren't we? To be a Tatiana fan is no easy feat, and at first many of my threads were even removed by the moderators (what's happened to free speech in this country?) I just hope to receive the same respect I have for your thoughts, and I appreciate you hearing me out. Spread Love.

D. McEwan said...

"Bambiland said...
To be a Tatiana fan is no easy feat"

TRUE. For one thing, you have to be deaf, and to hate music.

I'd rail against "Bambiland"'s defense of the indescribably horrible Tatiana (Whose GIGANTIC ego demands more than just fans; she must have a "Tatiana Movement of Love", like Ghandi in India 70 years ago), but after she showed herself to be a terminally self-involved monster during group night, she MUST be the Most Hated AI Contestant in History (Sanjaya is jealous), and is sure to be voted off tomorrow, so she'll be over and forgottten long before we get to the Top 12, which she will NEVER be one of.

Bambiland, you poor little deer-in-the-headlights, it's just a talent show, not a civil rights movement, and Tatiana is just a self-involved, partially-insane, EXTREMELY annoying child, who is a mediocre singer at best.

You and your other children friends (I'm guessing your high school graduation lies well in the future still) are indeed entitled to your own ideas, and as soon as you have one, feel free to hold it, just don't expect grown-ups to take them seriously.

However, Vote For The Worst is undoubtedly making Tatiana their poster child.

As for Norman Gentile, or whatever his name is this hour, the poor boy has no balls. His use of a "Character" is just cowardice, pure and simple. He's afraid to go out and just sing as himself, without hiding behind his queeny-clown persona. It's undoubtedly a ploy he's been using all his life.

Sadly, his "character" isn't near funny enough. Drag bars across the country are full of funnier characters than his. And in any event, it's not a comedy competition. It's a singing competition, and his inclusion in the top 36 is an insult to most everyone who was eliminated that last night of Hollywood Week. (so is the inclusion of Tatiana for that matter.)

But the judges/producers know they need villains, cannon fodder for us to hate, and in Norm and Tat they have a pair of doozies. I don't hate Norman. I pity him. He needs some guts.

Tatiana, on the other hand, could be hit by a bus, and I'm afraid I would smile, though I might feel bad for the bus.

jbryant said...

I think Tatiana does seem like a genuinely good person. In the same way as, say, Lenny in "Of Mice and Men."

Rory L. Aronsky said...

The Tatiana Movement of Love caused quite an uproar in the Idol Forums. But we're all entitled to our own ideas, aren't we?

Indeed. And please pick up your checks this week from the Fox payroll office. They're in the box marked "shill."

Rory L. Aronsky said...

In the same way as, say, Lenny in "Of Mice and Men."

As long as Tatiana's shilling, I'll also say that that film in 10th grade is what made John Malkovich one of my favorite actors, particularly the scene where he looms over Casey Siemaszko, crunching his hand.

But probably unlike Tatiana, I know who Steinbeck is. Man, if only there were constant shills for him nowadays instead of tone-deaf, brain-dead little girls.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Upon further thought, at least for now there'll be ammo for Joel McHale from "The Soup" and his writers. He proved that last week and I'm sure it'll be the same comedic pleasure for the next few weeks to come.

WV: betshu - Said by a chronic sneezer at a Las Vegas poker table.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Rory L. Aronsky said...
In the same way as, say, Lenny in 'Of Mice and Men.'

that that film in 10th grade is what made John Malkovich one of my favorite actors"

Who? Lenny was Lon Chaney Jr.

REMAKE? Heresy. Next Malkovich will be playing Charles Foster Kane.

Lon Chaney Jr (Actually Creighton Chaney) gave one really good performance in his whole career, and now Malkovich rips it off. Malkovich is too small. Lenny has to be huge.

Remakes. Next Lindsey Lohan will be playing Norma Desmond.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Remakes. Next Lindsey Lohan will be playing Norma Desmond.

God (read: Louis B. Mayer) forbid, Tallulah, but given enough time, Lohan won't need makeup for the part.

Tony said...

I just want to comment on my capthca thing..

wv: lyccu: Lycra for the obese that have a voyeuristic fetish

Kirk Jusko said...

I know it's not Steinbeck, but I thought Lon Chaney Jr did a reasonably good job the five times (I think it's five) he played Larry Talbot aka the Wolf Man. Especially that last time when he went up against Lou Costello.

WordSmith said...

I love your blog. Your posts about AI are some of my favorite. I didn't watch all of the perfs last night but I did happen to catch Tatiana's. You just know that she's going to stick around long enough to annoy country into apoplectic shock.

Also loved the stringing together of all the interchangeable girls and boys. Hee.

Julie
www.wordsmithatplay.blogspot.com

Tallulah Morehead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tallulah Morehead said...

"Kirk Jusko said...
I know it's not Steinbeck, but I thought Lon Chaney Jr did a reasonably good job the five times (I think it's five) he played Larry Talbot aka the Wolf Man. Especially that last time when he went up against Lou Costello."

Creighton was fairly good as Larry Talbot (Whom he did indeed play 5 times.), at least until you remember that Larry was supposed to be a Welsh Nobleman. Curt Siodmak, who wrote THE WOLF MAN (It's two words in THE WOLF MAN, one word in all the others), felt Creighton was a tremendously lousy actor, which is going too far the other direction, but he was still a bit pissed about having to stick in a few lines about how Larry had spent 18 years living in California to get around Creighton's inablity to do an accent. As it was, Curt just could NOT accept Creighton as nobility. Creighton made the part work by simply turning Larry into himself.

When you can't play the character, make the character you.

Of course Vincent Price, with his two lines as The Invisible Man at the end of the movie, completely stole ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN. Best gag in the film? Dracula attends a Halloween costume party dressed as "Dracula".

Talbot: "In a few minutes the full moon will rise, and I'll turn into a wolf."

Costello: "You and twenty million other guys."

"Rory L. Aronsky said...
given enough time, Lohan won't need makeup for the part."

I look forward to Ms Lohan's Lenny.

Cheers darlings.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Eat it Bambiland! Crazy doesn't always work!

Let's hope those wild-card rounds don't bring her back.

WV: bactina - Female bacteria

BAMBILAND said...

"Eat it?" Rory that's not very nice. She did a great job last night and her determination will take her far.
Some people just aren't right for this more family-oriented, all-ages show. I know, because believe it or not, I actually made it to "Hollywood Week" last season. They said I was really talented, but too 'out there' for this type of show. That's the whole reason I was rooting for someone like Tatiana. To switch it up from always the well-behaved, clean-cut (aka boring) contestants gaining the popularity of viewers.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

"Eat it?" Rory that's not very nice.

Awwwww, how cute. Welcome to the Internet, schnookums.

WV: recresso - A new coffee made in light of the recession.

D. McEwan said...

Well Rory, it really wasn't very nice.

After all, just seeing the hideous, wildly egotisitcal and self-involved horror that is Tatiana go down in flames tonght was reward enough.

I almost hope they do bring her back as a wild card. America hates her, having seen what a monster she is back on Group Night, so there's never any chance she would ever survive a vote by the public. So if they bring her back as a wild card, we can see her voted off the show AGAIN!!! Good viewing.

I was extremely surprised however that Anoop was eliminated, albeit in a vote almost as close as the Al Franken Senatorial election. Oil Rig Boy didn't really sing that well but, unlike Tatiana, America loves him.

Actually Seaver sang better tonight. Now that he was happy rather than nervous, he was able to cut loose and perform better.

Anyway, we'll be having a formal dance on the grave of Tatiana's AI hopes this weekend. Bring a date.

D. McEwan said...

"BAMBILAND said...
Some people just aren't right for this more family-oriented, all-ages show."

What kind of show WOULD Tatiana be right for? A non-family, one-age-only show? A deluded egostists round-up? Something on E!with Flava Flav?

But you are correct, Bambiland (You sound like a theme park for deer), Tatiana is not right for a show in which talented singers try to achieve popularity with the public through talent, skill, charm, and charisma.

Maybe she could go on "The Girls Next Door." Hef is too old and deaf to be driven up a wall by her voice, and he seems to like airheads with senses of entitlement and annoying laughs. She could easily be the next Kendra. They already have the same laugh.

I hear Tatiana's elimination has Joel McHale almost suicidal.

D. McEwan said...

"BAMBILAND said...
That's the whole reason I was rooting for someone like Tatiana. To switch it up from always the well-behaved, clean-cut (aka boring) contestants gaining the popularity of viewers."

Here's a Reality Check BL: if a contestant is actually boring, he/she would bore America too, and get voted off.

Not being insane doesn't mean "boring."

I am so curious now to know which of the nutjobs rightfully kicked off Hollywood Week last year you were.

BAMBILAND said...

"What kind of show WOULD Tatiana be right for? A non-family, one-age-only show? A deluded egostists round-up? Something on E!with Flava Flav?" - D. McEwan

Haaa!!! Who are you people anyways? You're like silly and smart at the same time and even though you disagree with me and are totally making fun of me I find you all hilarious! I feel like I walked unknowingly into some sort of elitist club.

On the subject of boring, Mr.Gokey Hokey Pokey Face would never sell any records. No allure. No intrigue. The reason he received 80% of the votes is because of how American Idol pimped him out with oodles of airtime and his dead wife sob story. And did you see his friend holding up the picture of her for the camera?? Ewwww!!! Made me sick. He's the one desparate to be famous, whoring out his dead wife.
Plus, he slobbers when he sings.
And I bet you he looks funny without his glasses.

D. McEwan said...

"BAMBILAND said...
Haaa!!! Who are you people anyways? You're like silly and smart at the same time and even though you disagree with me and are totally making fun of me I find you all hilarious!"

Thanks for finding us hilarious. That is the idea. "Silly and smart" is exactly what we are going for.

I realze you're not too bright, but you asked who I was right after you typed my REAL name. I'm betting it doesn't say "Bambiland" on your birth certificate. It does say "Douglas McEwan" on mine.

I was beginning to feel a bit bad about mocking someone so clearly not equipped to play as yourself, until I read your calling the widower who sings well "Mr.Gokey Hokey Pokey Face." Mmm. Classy and witty. (I did in fact, laugh out loud, but not for the reasons you intended.)

And then you topped yourself with: "He's the one desparate to be famous, whoring out his dead wife. Plus, he slobbers when he sings.
And I bet you he looks funny without his glasses."

How does Pulitzer Prize-winning critic Roger Ebert get through a year without pointing out someone "slobbers"? BTW, he looks funny WITH his glasses. They're pretty silly-looking glasses.

But as for his being "pimped him out with oodles of airtime" by AI, NO ONE got more airtime than Tatiana, NO ONE!

The problem was that every bit of airtime The Tatster got made America hate her more, while every bit of airtime "Mr.Gokey Hokey Pokey Face" got made America love him more. I would be a tad nauseated by his getting on in the competition myself if it weren't for the fact that he earned his place with his singing.

Here's a small clue about American Idol: ALL of the people who try out are "desparate to be famous."

It IS nice to learn what "The Tatiana Movement of Love" is all about. Apparently, it involves pity for a self-involved whining monster who will always pity herself more than anyone else can, while making fun at a kintergarten level of wit of a recent widower. You are truly all about The Love, BL.

You wrote: "I feel like I walked unknowingly into some sort of elitist club."

Ignoring for the moment the fact that I suspect that you walk unknowingly into anywhere you walk, I'm afraid you're right. It is a sort of Elite of Wit and Intelligence most (but hardly all) of the time around here. All are welcome to play, but the level of critical thinking here is not what you wll find at AI fanboards, or on your playground.

But rest assured that your "Mr.Gokey Hokey Pokey Face" witticism has earned you a memorable spot here.

But lunch must be over by now, and I'm sure you need to get to study hall. See you on prom night.

Anonymous said...

What Doug said!!!

BAMBILAND said...

Well, thanks boys. For laughs and the interesting viewpoints.
I enjoyed myself, and hope you had fun too - even though I realize most was at my expense.

But I think being considered bright is similar to being considered normal. It's all relative, and everyone defines its meaning differently.

I just want to say that maybe you should consider other people's feelings before saying things like what you said about me not being bright. Remember, what goes around comes around.

Anonymous said...

Aw geez, Bambiland... now you hadda go and hurt our feelings (sniff).

D. McEwan said...

"BAMBILAND said...
Remember, what goes around comes around."

Let me write that down. Is that yours? Can I use it?

Oh, and mention it to Tatiana while your're at it.

D. McEwan said...

Oh, and speaking of "what goes around comes around," Bambiland my dear, you might want to bear that in mind yourself the next time you want to call a man who has recently lost his wife young grade-school playground names, and shower him with infantile insults because you didn't like his winning a contest that someone you liked legitiamtely lost. It's called "sore losing."

Grown-ups cut the bereaved some slack.

Very bad Kharma my dear.