Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Will Success Spoil Alex Rodriguez?














Alex Rodriguez, you took steroids? Ohmygod! I’m still reeling from Rock Hudson being gay. His kisses with Doris Day seemed so real. And those Most Valuable Player Awards you won in Texas, Alex -- those should have gone to fellow teammate Donnie Sadler?

Don’t think it’s a stretch that I’m comparing you to Hollywood heartthrob, Rock Hudson. You’re both performers. And you both have strong ties with sports. You’re a professional baseball player. Mr. Hudson was involved in a prostitution scandal involving members of the 1962 University of Kentucky football team.

You both were the subjects of some bizarre relationship rumors. Rock Hudson, urban legend has it, married Jim Nabors (the hunk who played Gomer Pyle). And you’re dating Madonna.

Speaking of which, I now have to wonder, do you need performance-enhancing drugs to satisfy her too? (Although no one would fault you for that one.)

Your organization said they would support you – something about your being part of the Yankees “family” (and them still owing you $270 million they can’t get out of, despite looking into it). Hollywood, likewise, rallied around Mr. Hudson. Modern Screen Magazine did not take back his “Most Popular Actor of 1954” award. He was allowed to continue his craft, albeit now on television. McMillan & Wife, starring he and Susan St. James, became a long running series, their only disagreement being who should play the wife? It is doubtful that the Yankees would farm you out to the Charleston Riverdogs. Again, it’s that family member and quarter-billion-dollar investment thing.

But I will say this: Rock Hudson’s fans were crushed -- not to mention Elizabeth Taylor (“At least when Eddie Fisher kisses me he’s not picturing Tab Hunter!”). And Alex, your fans will be shocked and deeply saddened – even the seven who never suspected this in the first place.

And you lied to America’s most respected journalist (and sweetheart), Katie Couric – not easy to do when that pit-bull just keeps pounding you and pounding you. Rock Hudson never actually lied. He just happened to frequent bath houses that didn’t appeal to women.

But you admitted your mistake. That took courage (and a leak from the union). And as you said on Monday’s ESPN interview with relentless muckraker, Peter Gammon (with coaching from your agent/humanitarian, Scott Boras), “the truth will set you free.” You claim that since 2004 (the year penalties were first implemented) you had a change of conscience and you’ve been clean. And this time we don’t have to just take your word. You graciously have provided us proof with your atrocious playoff numbers. So that’s a good start. Will the baseball world ever forgive you? Will your accomplishments on the field be forever diminished? Will Red Sox fans ever stop laughing? Time will tell, but for now, Alex, just hang in there. Send Katie an apology. And if you really believe the truth will set you free, you might want to take another cue from Rock Hudson. Come out of the closet.

30 comments:

Mike Barer said...

Every spring this stuff dominates the headlinesm, then as the season progresses, it falls to the back pages. The "black and white" perception of the stars really baffles me. God forbid, someone with good intentions made a mistake. We talk about the players of yesteryear as if they are pure as snow, but who's to say the a Carl Yastremski or a Tommy Harper would not have taken it had it been available.
That said, it seems to me like A-Rod is little more than a self absorbed jerk.

Dave said...

Since I'm neither a Red Sox nor a Yankee fan, this is totally out of my rat's ass department. He lied, he got busted. Test him. If he's still juicing, throw him out of the game; if not, let him play.

One gets the feeling that if it had turned out that Garrett Atkins were bright green from using steroids, we wouldn't be hearing about it.

And was't it Roman Gabriel who married Jim Nabors? Or did they divorce?

YEKIMI said...

We all know what steroids does to the toys located in the "Joy Department", maybe that's why Madonna is no longer seeing him.

Phil H. said...

As a long time Mariners fan, I have to say this news was most welcome. That he lied to the Seattle media before signing with Texas was one thing ("I just want to play for a proven winner" or some such tripe). But to lie to America's Sweetheart is just too much. Did anyone else catch the barn door he left open in the Gammons interview? When asked if he only doped in 2001, 1002, and 2003 his answer was, "That's pretty accurate, yes." Either it's accurate or it's not, close doesn't count in this one...

WV - clown; Alex Rodriguez now makes Tom Hicks look like a total clown, removing all doubt.

Stephen Gallagher said...

Speaking of which, I now have to wonder, do you need performance-enhancing drugs to satisfy her too?

Rohypnol. But he takes it himself.

Corinne said...

"Will Red Sox fans ever stop laughing?"

Hell, no.

WV: messav, as in A-Rod saying, "Look at the messav in."

VP81955 said...

"Will Red Sox fans ever stop laughing?"

Hell, no.


Of course, had things not changed at the 11th hour back in '03, ARod might well be a member of the Red Sox today. And who knows -- there may be some Bosox players among the 104 (even if George Mitchell, who used to be on the team's board of directors, wants to sweep it under the rug). So fans of Evil Empire II shouldn't poke fun at Evil Empire I. (Since I'm a Nationals fan, to hell with both of them.)

wv: "agoloun" -- an easy chair that's anything but easy to sit in.

Anonymous said...

It's entertainment. Who cares if a baseball player takes steroids.

Does that also mean writers should not drink alcohol, snort coke, or smoke the hooch for inspiration?

Maybe we should start asking for some of those Oscars back.

Mary Stella said...

Does that also mean writers should not drink alcohol, snort coke, or smoke the hooch for inspiration?

Just don't ask me to give up chocolate.

Jonathan said...

I don't think this is what you meant, but comparing Rock to Rod is a little unfair. They both lived lies, true, but Rock had to live his because that the way he was born. Rock had success despite his biology. Alex on the other hand is just a cheater. His success came as he took steps to overcome his biology. I'm sure it was painful for Rock to deny who he was to the public, to live a lie all those years. He's an easy target for jokes, but let's not forget that Rock was forced to keep his secret under fear that he would lose everything, even possibly his life, while A Rod is just an A-hole.

J.J. said...

I always loved Rock Hudson in Pretty Maids All in a Row, but never believed for a second he was truly interested in young girls...

Every time I read about another ballplayer being on steroids I think about Jim Bouton and Ball Four and what a furor that book caused...it all seems so tame by comparison, now it seems like a badge of honor when a player gets outed...

Vermonter17032 said...

As a long time Red Sox fan I only just now just got up from off the floor where I've spent the past 72 hours giggling my ass off. OK, not really. This is actually a sad thing. For baseball, not for Alex Rodriguez. He deserves whatever misery can be heaped upon him. But that won't make up for how he and all the other players who have tarnished the game. The sad thing is that so many of them are the ones who have profited most by baseball. I guess there is a relation there, heh?

carlae said...

What I don't get is Miguel Tejada is guilty of lying to Congress for steroid use. What about Dick Cheney lying to Congress for far more important issues. sheesh!

Joe said...

For the record, I think one does not need performance enhancing drugs if one is romantically involved with Madonna. Such an assertion is absurd.

I am not, however, prepared to offer the same defense for, say, a small diesel motor.

AlaskaRay said...

Hey, it could have been worse. They could have had photos of him sucking in the steroids through a bong.

Ray

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Ken,
Don't have a comment on A-Rod.

Do want to tell you that I met Tom Anderson today and he said to tell you Hi! Don't you guys talk? He looks well. He's living in Ohio and working in London. Pretty cool.
I told him not to let anything happen to him since I told you and all your readers that I was stalking him and I didn't want the cops to come looking for me if he gets hit in the head with a cartoon anvil.
Thanks for the SHOCKING news about Alex. I wasn't one of the seven.
Karen

i'mnotsoandso said...

Lemme get this straight.
Alex Rodriguez is both a pussy and a cheater.
He lied to Katie Couric.
And he's fudging about the time period in which he juiced himself, claims to be uncertain by whom the banned illegal substances were administered and exactly which ROIDS fueled his MVP A-Rodness and bank account.
Yep. He's a pussy.

word verification: sicstoe
steroids made A-Rod's penis into a sicstoe, smaller than his fifth/baby toe

Anonymous said...

I dunno. Spitters, Pine Tar, corked bats, sandpaper , razor blades, steriods. What's next? One thing I'd like to see, the American League playing baseball. Get rid of the DH.

Buttermilk Sky said...

So Rodriguez felt pressure to perform on the Texas Rangers, but when he got to the New York Yankees, he threw the crutches away? Yeah, that totally makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Who gives a rip about this self-centered marshmallow or his equally self-absorbed, anti-Christ agent? A-Rod was on ESPN the other night with what looked like a spray-on "yellow" tan and a Cub Scout haircut (no offense intended to the Scouts). He's the Pillsbury doughboy - pun NOT intended.

Alan Coil said...

Isn't Madonna, like, old enough to be a grandmother?

John said...

No court punishment can be worse for A-Rod than nine more years coming up short in the seventh, eighth and ninth innings of big game in front of unforgiving New York fans (Alex might be The Greatest Player Ever In Innings 1-6 and/or Against Teams with sub-.500 records, but that's not what they're paying him the big $$$ for and not what the Yankee fans are paying to see him do. His best hope is some of his new teammates, like Texeria or Sebathia, can do enough to overcome his big-game power failures and carry Rodriguez to a title in the next year or so).

D. McEwan said...

"Jonathan said...
comparing Rock to Rod is a little unfair. They both lived lies, true, but Rock had to live his because that the way he was born. . . I'm sure it was painful for Rock to deny who he was to the public, to live a lie all those years. . . let's not forget that Rock was forced to keep his secret under fear that he would lose everything, even possibly his life, while A Rod is just an A-hole."

"Rock had to live his because that the way he was born"?

He was born a cowardly liar?

Yes, A Rod is an A-hole, but don't give me this "Rock was forced to keep his secret" crap. He CHOSE to lie to maintain the image his studio provided, right down to a fake marriage, while thousands of other gay people had the balls to live honestly, even if it meant, for actors, just acting locally, and not becoming rich and pampered.

William Haines, one of the biggest male heart throbs of the silent era, had the balls to tell Louis B. Mayer he was NOT going to get married and pretend to be a straight boy, but was going to continue living with the man who stayed his lover to the end of their days. Louie fired him, and his acting career was over. He went into decorating, and remained just as rich, just as successful, and HONEST!

Tommy Kirk rode a Disney stardom gravy train until Walt Disney found out he was gay. Tommy refused to play the lying game, and Walt fired him personally. Tommy has had a good - and HONEST life. When I spoke to him a few years ago, and discussed with him his decision to be out publically, he said to me, "It's just being honest. If you're not honest; you're not anything."

I forget. When was it that Rock came out of the closet? Oh yes. I remember now. When he was dead.

Rock never came out, never owned up. He was outed by the press about 15 seconds after he died.

What about when he assured Linda Evans he was safe to kiss on DYNASTY, when he was well-aware he had AIDS, and we didn't yet know kissing couldn't spread it?

Maybe Rock would have come out eventually, had he lived long enough, but he didn't. Quite the reverse; whenever presented with a choice, he chose the cowardly option. It took more courage to live as Liberace than to live as Rock Hudson.

I knew Dick Sergeant slightly. I've met Tab Hunter and the late Christopher Reeve. I've seen courage.

A Rod lied and cheated to win a game. Bad man.

Rock Hudson's whole life was a lie. No role model there.

D. McEwan said...

"Anonymous said...
Who gives a rip about this self-centered marshmallow or his equally self-absorbed, anti-Christ agent?"

"Self-absorbed, anti-Christ agent"? I'll grant you Madonna's gigantic, world-class self-absorbtion, but "Anti-Christ agent"? Is he she the Anti-Christ's agent? Does she get him talk show bookings?

Just for the record, I am as anti-Christian as you can possibly get, so this is the first GOOD thing I've heard someone say about Madonna in years. Are you trying to make me like her, Anonymous? Because it will take more than just some harmless theatrical religious image-teasing to do it.

Let me know when she joins me and Richard Dawkins over in the militant-for-reality zone.

Anonymous said...

D. McE,

"Self-absorbed, anti-Christ agent" referred to Scott Boras, not Madonna.

Anonymous said...

"fellow teamate?"

Anonymous said...

Jim Nabors was a hunk?

D. McEwan said...

"Anonymous said...
D. McE,
'Self-absorbed, anti-Christ agent' referred to Scott Boras, not Madonna."

Okay. I have no idea who Scott Boras is, so I'm guessing he's a sports figure, or the Anti-Christ's agent. William Morris?

coffee said...

if A-Rod (A-Roid?) had used steroids i would have expected him to get a lot more "huge" like Bonds of McGuire

Billy said...

Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic growth hormone oral spray because it's safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, red bull, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.