You know Elayne Boosler AND Merrill Markoe? Shaddd-UP!!!
As a family with an entire collection of slightly damaged, department store markdown pets, we devoured Ms. Makoe’s essay collection, ”What the Dog Handlers Taught Me”. In fact our German Shepherd – who never quite got over the loss of the Sudetenland – literally devoured two-thirds of the back cover. Although we were shocked – shocked I tell you – that the volume wasn’t entirely about dog handlers, we’ll put it right up there with ”What Chelsea Handler Tried to Teach Me -- Using a Choke Collar” -- but then that’s none of your business and I can’t understand why you brought it up.
Incidentally, we are now fostering a dog for the local humane society that we’re trying to move a little early because she’s petrified of me – like most women. Runs in the other direction on sight of me – also like most women. Other than that, an adorable apparent West Highland White – Dachshund mix. If you can’t get that mental image, think of a 759 ml shaggy apricot bottle of Scotch. Looks like kind of a cross between my wife’s grandfather and the winner of this year’s Westminster Best in Show – so we’ve named her Zayde.
Rap sheet includes: Likes to be picked up. (A good line is, “Do you poop here often?”) Does not beg for food. Does not work for food. Just not annoying in that way. In emergencies can serve as a swiffer. Fine around other dogs – although they should be advised she’s sort of in a relationship right now. Does not bite – although you should be forewarned, excessive licking may involve some tongue. Does not dash out the door – always mindful to linger and exchange pleasantries with the host. Does not get sick in cars -- although she is a little concerned about this Toyota floor pedal problem. Enjoys visits to the vet -- so keep an eye out for Münchausen syndrome. Barks at doorbell (we are trying to get her to bark at it only when it rings). Is an honor student at Spring Creek Elementary. Received no bone-us from Goldman Sachs. Found Jesus. Buried him back yard by the pool pump. But promises to dig him up again April 4. Does not get what anybody sees in Ashton Kutcher. And, Ms. Markoe will be delighted to know, was not allowed on either furniture or Stupid Pet Tricks. NO KNOWN PRIORS.
Seriously, if interested, can send references and could cover shipping and, uh, handling.
Just great!! same thing today as for some reason I can't see the pic, Just some colored symbols (triangle, box, circle) in upper Left corner of where the pic should be.-( I get all your other pics though, MASH Monique, etc.)
Merrill Markoe had a great line when the Letterman affairs surfaced. She said, paraphrasing, This is very emotional for me, as you might imagine, because David promised I was the only woman he would ever cheat on.
11 comments :
I heard that Best in Show was won by the Bubbleheaded Alaskan Publicityhound, even though she growled at anyone who came near her.
Ah yes, David Letterman's old girlfriend. Wonder what her take would be on him shtupping the interns?
The beauty of it all: Merrill sees humor in things the rest of us overlook. That is genius.
All you need now is Fred Willard doing the commentary and we're set! :)
Thank God no swimsuit competition.
You know Elayne Boosler AND Merrill Markoe? Shaddd-UP!!!
As a family with an entire collection of slightly damaged, department store markdown pets, we devoured Ms. Makoe’s essay collection, ”What the Dog Handlers Taught Me”. In fact our German Shepherd – who never quite got over the loss of the Sudetenland – literally devoured two-thirds of the back cover. Although we were shocked – shocked I tell you – that the volume wasn’t entirely about dog handlers, we’ll put it right up there with ”What Chelsea Handler Tried to Teach Me -- Using a Choke Collar” -- but then that’s none of your business and I can’t understand why you brought it up.
Incidentally, we are now fostering a dog for the local humane society that we’re trying to move a little early because she’s petrified of me – like most women. Runs in the other direction on sight of me – also like most women. Other than that, an adorable apparent West Highland White – Dachshund mix. If you can’t get that mental image, think of a 759 ml shaggy apricot bottle of Scotch. Looks like kind of a cross between my wife’s grandfather and the winner of this year’s Westminster Best in Show – so we’ve named her Zayde.
Rap sheet includes:
Likes to be picked up. (A good line is, “Do you poop here often?”)
Does not beg for food. Does not work for food. Just not annoying in that way.
In emergencies can serve as a swiffer.
Fine around other dogs – although they should be advised she’s sort of in a relationship right now.
Does not bite – although you should be forewarned, excessive licking may involve some tongue.
Does not dash out the door – always mindful to linger and exchange pleasantries with the host.
Does not get sick in cars -- although she is a little concerned about this Toyota floor pedal problem.
Enjoys visits to the vet -- so keep an eye out for Münchausen syndrome.
Barks at doorbell (we are trying to get her to bark at it only when it rings).
Is an honor student at Spring Creek Elementary.
Received no bone-us from Goldman Sachs.
Found Jesus. Buried him back yard by the pool pump. But promises to dig him up again April 4.
Does not get what anybody sees in Ashton Kutcher.
And, Ms. Markoe will be delighted to know, was not allowed on either furniture or Stupid Pet Tricks.
NO KNOWN PRIORS.
Seriously, if interested, can send references and could cover shipping and, uh, handling.
WV: maestr (close enough)
Just great!! same thing today as for some reason I can't see the pic, Just some colored symbols (triangle, box, circle) in upper Left corner of where the pic should be.-( I get all your other pics though, MASH Monique, etc.)
Ken, just went to my wife's computer and realize the two items are video links. Not sure why I can't read them on mine.
WV: worishn I am worishn why I can't view them :)
You can delete these posts if you like
To Yekimi:
Merrill Markoe had a great line when the Letterman affairs surfaced. She said, paraphrasing, This is very emotional for me, as you might imagine, because David promised I was the only woman he would ever cheat on.
I don't understand why Letterman let Merrill Markoe get away, both personally and as a writer.
Love Merrill!!! I still quote her "What I Learned from the Dogs" essay from the '80s! New dog, new lessons.
thanks Ken!
Brilliant. Just brilliant. And simple.
WV: essissi = digtised Italian stuff
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