Friday, March 26, 2010

My objective take on Sandra Bullock and her scumbag husband

At least she won her Oscar. Jesus, poor Sandra Bullock. Almost before she finished her acceptance speech word came out that her husband Jesse James was having an affair. And then by the Governor’s Ball it turned into two affairs. By the time she gave back the borrowed gown and jewelry that number had risen to three. Now it’s four and by the time Sandra is a presenter at next year’s Oscarcast it should be up to sixty-nine.

And she only has herself to blame. Shame on her for not getting tattoos over 90% of her body. How does she expect her husband to find her attractive if she doesn’t have a giant fire breathing dragon on her back, a hissing rattle snake wrapped three times around her neck and the Oakland Raiders “Committed to Excellence” logo just above her hooha?

Yes, it might be hard to find work in anything other than circus films but that's a small price to pay for wedded bliss.

Seriously though, I do feel bad for Sandra Bullock. In a town of divas and phonies she truly is a lovely very genuine person who is dedicated to her craft. Writers love her. Crew members love her. It’s just unfortunate that she got suckered in by this sleezeball. James has a history of sexual harassment charges and a couple of years ago had to shell out $700,000 to settle one. To put that in perspective: that’s fourteen years of hookers for Charlie Sheen.

Now that we’ve tired of the Tiger Woods scandal this sordid affair is front and center. Nutty stories are appearing left and right. A current headline in the HuffPost proclaims: “Janine Lindemulder, Jesse James' Porn Star Ex Wants To Be Best Friends With Sandra Bullock”. And another screams out: “Jesse James' Second Mistress Seeks Sugardaddy Aged 30-90.” I shudder to think what the New York Post is saying.

Even attention whore Gloria Allred is representing one of James’ mistresses/bimbos. I guess Octomom isn’t getting enough screen time so Gloria has to move on.

This should be the happiest time in Sandra Bullock’s life. She just won a friggin' Academy Award. Instead it’s a nightmare. Please Tiger Woods, if you have any humanity left, even a shred of empathy in your cold heart -- get caught with some tranny so Sandra Bullock can go on about her life and career in peace.

33 comments:

Michael said...

Sandy, if you're reading this, call me. I promise not to cheat on you or get any tattoos or piercings. I'd also move to Austin should you ask (I happen to love the city). I'll even sign a pre-nup.

I hope that commitment will make up for not being hung like Jesse.

Simon H. said...

What's the over/under on when Mr. James goes to get treatment for sexual addiction? I give it until Wednesday. Hopefully to followed up by artificial press conferences and interview sessions as long as a commercial break during any show on E! Can a Jesse James Mistress Pageant be too far off? Will Speedchannel run hour-to-hour coverage when it's announced that he's going back to fixing motorcycles or whatever the hell does for a living?

P.S. My wife used to be a producer at a local TV station, and had to deal with booking him for a live satellite interview. The person who set up the interview with her was extremely difficult to deal with, and actually told her to be grateful for the booking because he's "A real life American Icon". My wife had never heard of him, and I imagine most people hadn't until the last two weeks.

D. McEwan said...

I said it in one of my HuffPo award show recaps, when Sandra mentioned her "awesome husband," and I'll say it again, because it is true: "NEVER get involved with a man who has tattoos on his hands,neck, or face!" Didn't the woman ever see Night of the Hunter?

One glance at this James person should have been enough to tell her: this is a guy to avoid in allies, not to marry.

Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover, because the cover is covered with blurbs warning you of the contents.

I'd feel sorrier for Sandra if the warning signs weren't everything but neon lights announcing "I'm a scumball."

And honestly, he has a history of being a cheating slimeball. "He said that's all behind him now." No it isn't. It never is.

Being surprised that Jessie James turned out to be the raving ratbag he looks like and has always acted like is absurd. I believe he has "I'm a scuzzball" tattooed on his forehead. Do you blame a bird when it flies? Are you surprised when water flows downhill?

At least Tiger Woods gave the illusion of being a decent human being. His wife has an excuse. Sandra does not.

sonderangerbot said...

And let's not forget the latest piece of HuffPo wonder:
"Jesse James' Former Employee: He Touched Me With His Sex Organ"

Sandra may be a great person, and probably is, but this whole ordeal still files under "what you get when dating douchebags" and I have a hard time feeling sorry for her.

The Milner Coupe said...

Icon? Hardly. This guy was famous in the not-so-valuable demographic of bikers and rat rodders. He had a great talent for making goofy choppers and goofier custom vehicle abortions. He fancied himself a celebrity and now he is because the press won't quit putting his mug next to Sandra Bullocks.
Let him crawl back in his hole and maybe she can wait out the embarrassment of having made such a mistake. He's a douche, but she's the one who fell for the phony name and wanna-be bad ass reputation. Old story. I'm sure that Oscar will keep her career afloat.

A_Homer said...

What gets under-represented is that Bullock is obviously intelligent: As an actress, able to do comedy with no issues, getting near the usual age / role issues, she early on figured out to expand her options in the industry, and succesfully took on producer status on films. Again, one of the few women in the industry. She then quietly shares her good fortune through significant charity donations that garner pretty small press compared to the p.r. way Hollywood usually wants to do things. She doesn't prostelytize! Lives outside Hollywood, etc...even the whole Oscar story, whether or not she deserved it in that particular competition, she absolutely set the best standards for acceptance speeches and being gracious, not only being friendly with Streep et al, but KNOWING who the competition was (and wasn't).

Perhaps America will learn that people should SHUT UP about their lovers, mates, or family in Oscar acceptance speeches (even when well done as Bullock phrased everything so well).

Another lesson to learn, is that despite the American promotion of a new natural succession, of college-life to Girls-Gone-Wild over to porn-life all over broadcast media, people aren't there (or any of the related euphenisms or extensions of the porn industry) with a "heart of gold" - it's a hard, dirty business at best so don't be surprised, this is the logical last act (along with STDs).

Those involved can be cajoled into striking at the most financially rewarding moment by some disgruntled jerk (like...in Hollywood) which is what this all seems like.

As for "Monster Garage" and icon status - it was funny, but pretty one note after watching ten of them, and like American Chopper, got fattened up with bands playing and all that extra nonsense. James had his moment in a certain American community, was minor in relation to the global recognition, which Sandy has. I mean, compare her worst-performing movies with the latest Uma Thurman star vehicle that just opened in London to 11 (!) people on the weekend. And Thurman is still called a Hollywood Star...

emily said...

Mama always said, "If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas."
Sandra went slumming, found this dog, and, well...

I wish her well. Him, not so much.

Vetea.com said...

Jesse James sandra bullock pregnant affair rumors really

Vetea.com said...

Jesse James sandra bullock pregnant affair rumors really

gih said...

uummm.. I missed Sandra in her films. I love her so much. I like the way she acts.

denparser said...

The truth shall prevail..

Mary Stella said...

Maybe it's because I live in the Florida Keys, where many people come out on the wrong side of the tattoo-to-tooth ratio, but I don't think that multiple tattoos automatically indicate a cheating, lying, scumball.

Tiger isn't inked up, is he?

I hate seeing nice people like Sandra get taken because she was willing to take the leap of faith and believe in the guy. Talk about a kick in the teeth. I wouldn't take him back. Wouldn't take Tiger back either. How do you ever trust the man not to cheat again? It's not like you can put a monitoring bracelet on his penis.

Mel Ryane said...

I saw something very off in his eyes when she was accepting her Oscar...guess he was adding up regret right then. He messed with America's sweetheart and America doesn't like that. What an idiot.
I feel terrible for her. Top of her artistic game and bottom of the domestic barrel. Rotten.

Kate said...

I also feel terrible for poor Sandra who just achieved the pinnacle of movie career success and now has to be dealing with her scumbag husband. Leave her to celebrate her win in peace.

mthaslett said...

"Please Tiger Woods, if you have any humanity left, even a shred of empathy in your cold heart -- get caught with some tranny so Sandra Bullock can go on about her life and career in peace."

Now that's funny.

Kirk Jusko said...

Maybe Sandra will hook up with Bob Ford.

Buttermilk Sky said...

Thanks, Ken, I may never be able to watch the Oakland Raiders again.

Now, does anyone have a suggestion for cleaning orange juice off a keyboard?

Emily Blake said...

What really gets me is how much she raved about him in her Oscar speech. She made it sound like he was the best husband ever. I ache for how humiliated she must feel right now.

I always thought that guy was a loser anyway. Jesse James is never in any actual danger on that lame ass TV show.

Rodney said...

David Letterman called this YEARS ago (I'm talking like maybe 15 years or so before she ever met this guy.) In an interview he was wondering why Sandra Bulllock had a reputation for basically giving large sums of money and other things away to friends as per the conversation-it was clear he was of the opinion she was really overdoing it. So part of this is a willingness on her part to let some people take advantage of her, which no one should ever do.

A detailed complaint written to the FBI:

wwww.myspace.com/370392338

benson said...

Tim Hunter on his blog had the best line: Sandra getting plenty of support from celebs. Meryl Streep called her. Elizabeth Edwards sent her a note, and Elin Woods got her a set of golf clubs.

jenmoon said...

The thing is, Sandra comes off as a nice person for a celebrity, and not an idiot. So for her to end up with this guy, a lot of us assumed that he's got really good hidden depths.

Now we're left with either she's really dumb, or he's really good at deception. Which sucks.

Ian said...

Being sadly out of touch with popular culture, I didn't quite get how this guy came by his "celebrity" status - from the other posts I gather he is some kind of mechanic. Whoopie. Based on photos I have to wonder what Ms. Bullock saw in him in the first place. I'm trying to be open-minded about the tats, but really, where this guy is concerned, don't they just scream, "Hey, everybody! I want you to think I'm a badass, but the truth is that I'm a DICK!"

Paul Duca said...

Could Ken or anyone else here PLEASE tell me why I have to be concerned about Sandra or Jesse or Tiger or anyone else's love life?

John said...

Certain women are just attracted to edgy guys, apparently because they like the excitement. But at the same time they think getting into a relationship with a guy like that is going to create some overnight 'change'. The worst-case is when the women start giving the guy chance after chance because they convince themselves that this time, he's really going to change (and for some women, the co-dependency can get far worse than where Sandra is right now, to the point they're willing to overlook criminal activity to give the guy one more chance).

I've heard the stories said...

Bullock's not dumb. This was amarriage of convenience. They both got what they wanted - she got a beard and he got a higher profile then before - until he slept with someone who didn't know the rules were to keep their mouth shut.
How much easier Bullock's life would've been if she had not played the 'game' and allowed everyone to know her real secret. Would it have made a difference in her career?

Alex N said...

All things being equal, I'm just glad someone else thinks so little of Gloria Allred and her cheesy always dressing in all red. Apparently, being recognized as a celebrity ambulance chaser doesn't discourage her behavior.

Anonymous said...

Everybody's ragging on James as being a scumbag, but he's probably not in most aspects of life. My observation of folks who live rather extreme lifestyles is that they're perfectly decent people in most regards. They just happen to have really awful impulse control and decision making skills and their bad choices end up defining their lives in ways that don't happen to "normal" people.

Bullock probably fell in love with James because he's a macho, uncomplicated guy who seemed to be nothing like his bad boy image. He appeared to be a guy she could rely on and he probably was in most areas. But when a guy's been married to a porn star, you are NOT going to be able to trust him sexually.

My only interest is this affair is curiosity about whether or how strongly Bullock's male friends tried to warn her, because I suspect that guys would have a much better handle on how James could genuinely be a great guy in many ways but still be unworthy.

Mike

Cameron Yarde said...

It's sad what has happened but I wouldn't want to be with someone that dated a pornstar. That speaks volumes in itself. The most embarrassing thing is all of the times she praised him in public. Oh dear. Sometimes you should just say thank you and leave it at that.

Kevin Arbouet said...

Gee, I sure am glad no one else in the world has cheated on their spouse. What an absolutely rare occurrence.

I'm willing to bet at least 80% of everyone on this blog has cheated on someone else. More than once.

Including Ken.

Including me.

But if we all want to pretend that marital fidelity has anything to do with one's worth in the world then by all means continue the self righteous bullshit.

Because we all know what a scumbag Kennedy was, right?

KEN LEVINE said...

Kevin,

You swore you'd never tell about us!

Kevin Arbouet said...

Ken,

You should've known better to sleep with someone with the letters "B", "P", tattooed on their ass.

mthaslett said...

Kevin A -- the "discussion" isn't about Jame's worth to the world, but his worth as a husband to Sandra Bullock.

Kennedy may have been a bang-up President (depending on who you talk to), but who tries to hold him up as anything but a shit-heel of a husband?

Anonymous said...

I am a Bullock fan from waaaaaay back (Wrestling Ernest Hemingway...28 Days) but I have to put my 2.47 cents in here.

If "Biker dude, covered in tattoos and formerly married to porn queen" doesn't set off massive frickin' road flares, then honey, you shouldn't be driving a car.

He's a scumbag, absolutely. She should have known better: absolutely!