Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Can't come to the phone right now, I'm in surgery

I’m going in this morning for another eye operation. I debated whether to mention it because I hate blogs that just fill space sharing the mundane trivial events of the bloggers’ lives. But you may wonder why I don’t respond promptly to reader comments this morning and that’s the reason. I’ll be in surgery.

This has been a long ordeal that began way back in January when I developed complications from a cataract surgery. I’ve since had corneal swelling and a viral infection. Today’s procedure should really put me back on track to full restoration of my sight. I hope. Of course, that’s what they said the last time when I proved to be one of the 2% who have problems.

Minor surgery is only minor when it happens to YOU not me. But I’m in great hands and am optimistic.

It’s quite amazing really. I go in at 6:30 (based on previous experience). I change into a hospital gown (not a good look for me, by the way), lie down on a gurney in a pre-op ward where a nurse checks my vitals, puts some drops in my eye and starts an IV. A few minutes later I’m wheeled into surgery. I’ll be under local anesthetic as I was during the cataract procedures. I asked my nurse last time -- since I’m going to be awake can I bring a book? She didn’t get it. Note to self: don’t joke with the nurses.

If all goes well the operation should take about a half hour. I’m then wheeled back into the ward where I rest for about twenty minutes before getting dressed and going home. Cost of this whole thing is probably equivalent to a McMansion but the eye drops are included. Thank God for insurance. On the other hand, if there were no insurance and people had to actually pay for everything I wonder whether the prices would still be so absurdly high? Q-Tips: $100.

Again, I’m told the recovery is fairly easy. I’ll have a patch and tape on my eye today and the doctor will remove it tomorrow. I’m planning on returning to work on Friday. Last time I went to lunch with this patch on. The waiter didn’t acknowledge it at all, was very matter-of-fact about serving a customer who looked like a victim in a slasher movie. I purposely sat with my back to the room. If the Johnny Rocket patrons were going to get sick I wanted it to be from the food, not me.

I must say the sophistication of this process is extraordinary. You can’t believe the tests they now have. Sonograms, measuring the circulation in the eye (you’re given some fluorescent dye and for two days you glow), pictures of the eye from behind the eye (I don’t know how they do that but I bet in a year there’ll be an iPhone app), and they can count the number of cells in your cornea. And you say to yourself, if they can do this how come they still can’t figure out how many people are watching a damn television show?

So that’s what I’m doing this morning. I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Oh, and since I'll be in surgery anyway, like Heidi Montag I think I'll get a mini-brow lift, lipo on my neck, waist, hips, and thighs, a chin reduction, an ear job, fat injections in my cheeks, nasalobial folds and lips, rhinoplasty, Botox injections in my forehead, and buttocks augmentation. I won't get breast implants tough. That's just crazy.

31 comments:

Nancy Beach said...

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

Lairbo said...

Why not make the most of the eyepatch and go the whole pirate ten yards -- parrot, sword, the works! Or you could spend the day at a department store trying on Hathaway shirts...

Heal well and fast.

droszel said...

"I won't get breast implants tough. That's just crazy." . . . I knew a guy who said once, "You know, I used to like women with big boobs, until I grew two of my own."

So, yeah, skip the breast implants.

Hope all goes well otherwise

Jon J said...

Hope all goes well, Ken.

I've had a couple of eye surgeries and both were outpatient not involving full operating rooms or gowns and bare backside but were local anesthetic. The doc did discourage discourse during the procedure. He mumbled a bit.

See ya soon.

Max Clarke said...

Next time, bring a DVD movie to the operation.

You'll be fine, you've got good energy. Just be glad you aren't James Joyce. I met a woman who looked like him, and she was descended from him. She sighed and said she didn't inherit his talent, but she did suffer from the "Joyce eyes."

I knew a man around 70 who came back from an acupuncturist in Oakland one day. We both did volunteer dish washing at a meditation center. He didn't have his glasses on. He said his vision recovered to 20/20 following the acupuncture.

I also met a man once who went blind overnight at his home in Holland. He eventually flew to San Francisco for a series of herbal treatments from a doctor of Chinese medicine. When I met him, his eyesight had recovered to the point he didn't need the cane during the day.

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

Break a leg.

MY lines during a colonoscopy:

Me: Doc, do me a favor?
Doc: Sure.
Me: Let me know when you find Jimmy Hoffa..

blogward said...

Best wishes Ken, maybe you can think up some even cornea jokes while you're waiting. Cornea than acupuncture and Chinese 'medicine', I mean.

Mike said...

Other countries with less insurance have much lower costs. It's crazy where if you have no insurance you pay $1000 but with insurance, the company pays $300. Complete reverse of auto insurance.

Dusty Baker said...

Get well soon. I say that selfishly as my household will miss you on Dodger Talk if this causes you to miss much time. It will be 82% less snark, alas!

Mac said...

I never knew people got fat injections in their cheeks!
Mine just get porkier as I get older - from now on I'm telling everyone it was a cosmetic-surgery procedure.
Hope it all goes well.

wackiland said...

Best of luck, Ken!You bring so much to many, and deserve to have an easy time of it.

gottacook said...

Sorry to hear about the complications. I underwent cataract surgeries a year apart when I was 42 and 43; no one knows why I got them so early. Most people seemed to think then (and possibly do today) that lasers are involved in cataract surgery; on the contrary, an actual slice has to be made (which is probably where the infection came from), then the natural (occluded) lens is zapped into powder by ultrasonics and sucked out, to be replaced by a synthetic lens. The synthetic can be a prescription, which is why I'm no longer severely nearsighted as I'd been since 2nd grade - of course this meant that during the year before my second eye was diagnosed, I had wildly different vision between the two eyes. But it was worth it.

Jeffrey Leonard said...

Ken, EYE wish you the best. You are so outta SIGHT, man. Just don't LASH out at the nurses, they have no sense of humor. And, it could cause the Dr. to flip his LID. I realize these puns are pretty CORNEA, but remember, it will all be over with the BLINK of an eye. It is sure to go well because you are such a good PUPIL.

Mel Ryane said...

No one looks good in a hospital gown; you're in good company there. They say that cells replace themselves quicker in the eye than any other place in the body which can lead to a fast recovery. I sincerely hope this is the case for you so you can put this behind you and keep both eyes out front. Gently and carefully, soon you will have a clear-eyed summer.

SuperBK said...

Good luck Ken. Get well soon. I really enjoyed the Cheers scene yesterday. Brian

ali said...

Ken, my fingers are crossed that it all goes well for you today! Wishing you a speedy recovery to 20/20,
Ali

Tom Quigley said...

Ken,

All the best on your procedure! (And if it doesn't work out, maybe you can become a major league umpire...)

Too bad BECKER's not still in production... I bet Mr. Hackel, et al. could probably make use of some good stories I'm sure you'll get out of this!

BTW, here's a word verification I just made up a new definition for in your honor: floph -- the stuff you have to wipe out of the corner of your eye when you get up in the morning...

Take care! Get well soon!

Sebastian said...

I guess once knowing how many people watch a TV show becomes a matter of life and death they'll find a way...

Oh it actually IS? Forget what I said ;-)

I'm a bit torn to be honest. If everything goes well we won't get more hilarious eyedrop stories in your travelogues... but let's pretend I wish you well ;-)

YEKIMI said...

Good luck. This coming from someone who needs contacts just to see his glasses.......

Charles H. Bryan said...

Best wishes on a speedy recovery. I agree with the recommendation to go Full Pirate. Tell people that you're Johnny Depp.

emily said...

We'll keep an eye out for your prompt and safe return Ken. Don't run with scissors until you're all healed up.

And if you want to post some pics of your new butt...


Oh, I see Alfred E. Neuman finally got his own WV: blech!

Sérgio said...

Good luck!

Vermonter17032 said...

Ken, best wishes. I hope and expect all will go well, and you'll be back to having your 20-20s on the Dodgers.

Ref said...

Ken, here's hoping for a speedy and successful recovery!

Richard Y said...

All the best and speedy recovery. Hope it works this time.

Be SEEing you at Long John Silvers.

Debby G said...

Best wishes!

Sunshine Vitamin said...

Since you already decided against it, I'll tell you my husband's story. I am a breast cancer survivor, and a few years ago I decided to get rid of the lopsidedness with a reconstruction, at UCLA by the way. Nervous me, after being prepped I sat terrified in the chair while my ever-supportive hubby took the opportunity to relax by reclining on the hospital gurney. The plastic surgeon came in through the curtains, took in the scene, and looked my husband right in the eye. He said, "This is going to be harder than I thought!" -- and he paused, and added, laughing, "BUT WE CAN DO IT!!!"

Laughter is a wonderful thing just before surgery. And after. (Possibly not during.) All best wishes for you.

50 is the new 35 (formerly "45 is the new 30") said...

Just wanted to pile on some more good wishes - here's hoping for a successful surgery and quick recovery! Rest up, and listen to the docs, will ya?

Maybe you can sell ad space on your eye patch and make a little extra cash to pay for those Q-Tips?

WV; "Geslyt" - Yiddish theatre version of the movie "Gaslight".

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

By the time you read this you'll be recovered and seeing everything with both peepers again. Glad to hear everything went well.

Torater said...

The question is, will they give you good drugs to take home?

Good luck...I'll be following you with my own cataract operation(s) soon enough.

Grubber said...

Best wishes Ken!
cheers
Dave