Tuesday, June 15, 2010

This is the kind of crap I tweet....

What responsible parent lets their sixteen-year-old daughter sail around the world by herself? Answer: parents who had a reality show deal in place.

I wouldn’t let my daughter Annie do that and she’s in her 20’s. And as you can see from her letter to me, she's really passionate about this:

Dear Dad,

As you well know, it has been my dream to sail around the world by myself ever since you brought it up yesterday. It is so unfair that you won’t let me. All of my friends are sailing around the world by themselves, and their parents don’t mind! It can’t be that difficult. Cartoon characters manage to sail all the time. Besides, sailing around the world isn't about sailing around the world. It's about independence. Becoming a self-sufficient woman. If you won't let me do this, why not just buy me a chastity belt or sell me off to the neighbor’s son? I insist that you let me carry out my two-day old dream and be the somewhere-within-the-top-100-youngest person to sail around the world. If you refuse, I will have no choice but to give you the silent treatment for quite a few days.

Okay, I have to admit, she makes some very good points.

Expect Arizona to rethink their controversial new immigration bill. Was it the many angry protests and threats of boycotts that did the trick? Not a chance. Those did nothing. But Hall & Oates just cancelled their concert at a Diamondbacks game. Now we got their attention!

Is Nate Robinson and other Celtics wearing those long white sleeves to cover their tattoos during the NBA Finals? Jesus, isn’t it enough the league won’t let players bring loaded handguns to the crowded arenas anymore? Whatever happened to free expression, motherfuckers?

If the Lakers didn’t get into the Finals Dyan Cannon would have no career at all.

How many bolts do you think there are in the Boston Gardens’ parquet floor? You should not rest until you find out.

Sorry Jews but Stephen Strasburg is Christian. You still have Koufax though, and Lou Piniella’s favorite pitcher, Steve Stone.

My eye is slowly improving. Thanks to those of you who have inquired. Here’s where I am: I can see Nate Robinson but not to where he’d have to wear a sleeve.

January Jones (Betty from MAD MEN) allegedly slammed into three parked cars and left the scene over the weekend. She fled after saying, "I can't deal with this commotion." I know. You have to talk to real people and exchange insurance information and apologize and pretend that you care about others. Ick ick ick. Who can be bothered?

Kobe Bryant is the only basketball player I know who takes a helicopter to home games. Hey January, you should look into that.

Had a reunion lunch with the ALMOST PERFECT writers yesterday. Everybody still looks great. It was so much fun to get together and trash everyone in show business just like the old days. There was a moment when we were ripping apart CELEBRITY REHAB that sentimentality overwhelmed me and I thought, "I really do love you people".

Still hard to get excited about the World Cup when 1-0 is considered a blowout.

Some quick thoughts on the Tonys. Yeah, I’m a day late but so what? Nobody watched them anyway.

I don’t care that Catherine Zeta-Jones won. Her rendition of “Send in the Clowns” was maybe the worst EVER. Overwrought, amateurish, and completely without irony. Roseanne could have done better.

How come in their “In Memoriam” tribute Gary Coleman wasn’t included?

Lea Michele is no Barbra Streisand.

Composers and lyricists don’t even warrant prime time Tonys? So if Stephen Sondheim had an original musical this year his award would be lumped in with the costume and lighting guys? Oh well. More screen time for the grand dame of Broadway, Paula Abdul.

Watching the production number from Green Day’s AMERICAN IDIOT I guess Broadway now must have one obligatory SPRING AWAKENING show per season. Next year it’s the Foxboro Hot Tubs’ turn.

Denzel, take a moment from loving yourself to learn just who the organization is that is bestowing you with a Tony.

Great seeing Barbara Cook and Angela Lansbury. Not so great seeing some creature they claimed was Rachel Welsh.

I miss Neil Patrick Harris.

The Tonys are the only award show where no one thanks their wives.

32 comments:

Sebastian said...

A blowout is what Germany did to Australia.

GERMANY! GERMANY! err... sorry.

I have to agree that the World Cup this year has started really really tame. The problem is that in the first game for each team they just don't want to lose and like they say: defense wins championchips and so many teams all around the world have gotten so good defending that we are currently whitnessing stalemates. Wait until games two and three. Teams then need to win because every team has three games in the first round and you need at least a win to advance to the elemination rounds. Don't judge the World Cup by the first round. It's as if you'd judge the Red Sox by the first 140 games of the season. Because no matter what you know they will crash like Ikarus in October *snicker*

I guess I have to go now, your other kid seems to gather old fruit and I don't like the looks of that throwing arm of his ;-)

benson said...

The really strange thing in the January Jones story is, I believe her first phone call was to....Bobby Flay. Huh?

The folks in Chicago are howling over the Piniella line.

You are spot on about the Lady Popeye the sailor girl.

Todd said...

Tying your post all together:

To punish the apparently balloon-boy like parents of the sail-around-the-world girl, sentence them to 10 years...

...of having to watch the Tonys.

Matt said...

Ken,

Am I the only one who read your letter from Annie with the voice of Alan Alda? I couldn't help it ...

;-)

Max Clarke said...

Very funny, Annie's plea. Let her take the trip. She has to follow her dream.

Ed Blonski said...

I agree, it is hard to even care about a sport where 55% of the games end in a tie.

Laurie Powers said...

One of the funniest and profound and brilliant posts you've ever done, Ken. Crap my ass.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sad, but not as bad as "Kidnation" or "Married by America"

Pecma said...

988 bolts

Anonymous said...

Lea Michele is no Streisand, because Lea Michele is actually fuckable.

Greg said...

James Brolin should at least sign his comments....

kcphish said...

Jeopardy Answer: ONE
Question: What is the over/under for every soccer game ever played?

Annie T. said...

During the Tonys broadcast, I read a couple tweets that Denzel is halfway to an EGOT (only makes sense if you watch 30 Rock).

Paul said...

No offense, but the difference between your daughter and Abby Sunderland is skill. Sunderland has nearly a decade of heavy training and experience, and was perfectly qualified to attempt what she did. The Sunderlands don't try to parent your kid. Don't try to parent theirs.

As for the reality show, it was planned months before Abby left on her journey (with the idea that the show would promote kids doing extraordinary things), and the parents canceled it as soon as trouble hit. Read the full articles, not just the headlines, kids.

Anonymous said...

Sure, sail around the world but would they let her drive across the US by herself?

Sandy Koufax said...

The Sunderland's cancelled the reality show idea as soon as they thought their daughter had drowned in the ocean. Paul, you need to lighten up. Repeat after me..."it was only a joke, it was only a joke".

Janice said...

I'd love to hear your rant on Celebrity Rehab...

Sebastian said...

I'd love to hear you rant on Celebrity Rehab...

benson said...

The Sunderlands don't try to parent your kid. Don't try to parent theirs.

What parenting? Sunderland says he was dead broke before he signed the TV deal. Sure the idea is promote extraordinary things. And it goes a long way in explaining why we have the Heenes, the Lohans, the Spears, ad nauseum. Role models all. Even the President when he gave the commencement at my kid's graduation last week said these people are not to be admired.

Ed Blonski said...

From Abby Sunderland's Blog: The Sunderlands were talking with Magnetic Entertainment last year before Abby departed to shop a reality TV show based on our family. Abby's trip was already sponsored. Their idea was to do an inspiring show about Zac and Abby’s adventures, what our family was like and what made them as strong and independent as they are. The show was shopped and not sold. All rights were returned to us. There is no reality TV show or documentary in the works and we will not be persuing one.

SharoneRosen said...

totally agree on the Tonys! I expected so much more of Sean Hayes (although, I'm not sure why). Catherine ZJ was underwhelming. I would love to see Angela Lansbury as Madame Armfeldt, she is perfect for the dry wit of that character.

I'm hoping the Best Actor in a musical winner Douglas Hodge was just having a bad night. If that was the best performance in a musical, Broadway really is doomed.

I liked the way in which they presented the nominees for Best Play. Nicely done, I thought.

Neil Patrick Harris was a wonderful surprise last year. No one else must ever host the Tonys than he.

I'm done. No one really cares what I think...
GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL

Wendy said...

I agree with Catherine's performance on the Tony's but am cutting her some slack. She hasn't been performing in the last few weeks because she's been too ill. The Tony's were her first public performance in that time and it was very clear that she still wasn't well. "Send in the Clowns" is the only song from the show that is known by non-theater-goers, so it was most likely felt that it couldn't be replaced.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"The Tonys are the only award show where no one thanks their wives."

I wish I'd thought of that 48 hours ago, when I was writing my Tonys piece.

Annie, as usual, is excessively funny.

I can't bnelieve people are DEFENDING these idiots that let their 16 year-old sail around the world alone. Are they being arrested for Felony Child Neglect? Didn't they see what happend to Desmond Hume on Lost? They're lucky she's not stuck somewhere, pushing a button every 180 minutes.

"Wendy said...
I agree with Catherine's performance on the Tony's but am cutting her some slack. She hasn't been performing in the last few weeks because she's been too ill. The Tony's were her first public performance in that time and it was very clear that she still wasn't well."


A friend of mine saw her in the show a couple months ago, when she was fully well. This is what he wrote about her perfoamnce in the whole play this morning: "CZJ was just doing a lot of sashaying around and the acting was lousy. (I'm a fan of hers so it hurts to say)Watching CZJ throwing her head around was very difficult to watch."

CZJ and Angela Lansbury are leaving the show later this month, to be replaced by Bernadette Peters and Elaine Stritch: a nice practical joke on eveyone who paid to see CZJ. My friend is actually flying back to see it again with them.

"SharoneRosen said...
I'm hoping the Best Actor in a musical winner Douglas Hodge was just having a bad night. If that was the best performance in a musical, Broadway really is doomed."


Hmmm. I liked what I saw of him. In any event, I saw himplay Shakespeare's Pericles at the Olivier Theater in London 16 years ago, and he was terrific. The produciotn stank, but he ws very good, as was a nobody-at-the-time in it named Toby Jones.

"Neil Patrick Harris was a wonderful surprise last year. No one else must ever host the Tonys than he."

Ew. No thank you. I was as underwhelmed by Harris last year as I was by Hayes this year. When Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth came on, 2 hours and 48 minutes into the show, and became the first actually-funny presenters in the whole evening, I was reminded again of why, if there were to be a permanent host for the Tonys, it should be Nathan Lane. And if he can't do it, bring back Hugh Jackman, only no tux. Make him host in just a wet Speedo.

Anonymous said...

Who is the lady in the bathrobe?

Jon88 said...

Composers and lyricists didn't get on the air mostly because there were only two original scores in the traditional sense ("Memphis" and "Addams Family"). The other two nominations were for incidental music used in plays ("Enron," "Fences"). Not the sort of thing they want America to know, that only two new musicals opened this year.

Re Gary Coleman: Yes, a sad omission. Truly a Broadway powerhouse. I'll never forget his Othello. We were sitting on Broadway at 52nd Street, and he beat me three games out of five.

Buttermilk Sky said...

"The lady in the bathrobe," Anonymous, is Barbara Cook, one of the greatest of all Broadway stars. She was in the original casts of "Candide," "The Music Man" and "She Loves Me," among others. Naturally, nobody asked her to sing on Sunday; although Miss Cook is past 80, she would have wiped the floor with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Actually, I think it looks more like a commencement gown for a rather flamboyant college.

D. McEwan said...

"Jon88 said...
Composers and lyricists didn't get on the air mostly because there were only two original scores in the traditional sense ("Memphis" and "Addams Family"). The other two nominations were for incidental music used in plays ("Enron," "Fences"). Not the sort of thing they want America to know, that only two new musicals opened this year."


Actually Best Score for a Musical and Best Book of a Musical have been shunted off into the pre-hour for several years now, nothing to do with the pathetic crop of musicals this year. For a while PBS was broadcasting that hour, but now no one is, but they've been disrespectng book and score writers like that for several years.

Buttermilk Sky, I could not agree more. Having Barbara Cook only speak, and then Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas sing was really backwards! I've been to see Babs Cook sing live fairly recently, and she can still rings around anyone!

l.a.guy said...

Annie has made quite a leap-- it seems like only yesterday her biggest ambition was getting a pot bellied pig. (I don't recall if it was to a be a pet or dinner).

I say we give January Jones a pass, and not just because she's smokin' hot. Well, actually that's the only reason. Men are so shallow.

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Despite Strasburg's unfortunate Christianity, we've entered a sort of golden age of Jewish baseball with the likes of Ryan Braun, Kevin Youkilis and NY Met rookie Ike Davis.

I was a little sad last year when Youkilis passed Art Shamsky to place 9th on the all-time Jewish home run list. Next up, on his climb to Hank Greenberg? The Dodger's own, Steve Yeager with 102latkes.

Fitz said...

Let's all get together (since Dad is broke) and collect enough money for a $10 tip to each of the rescuers that traveled hundreds of miles in mountainous seas to rescue his little girl so he can prostitute her and maybe endanger her again.

Wait! I've got it! Set her loose in the Gulf of Mexico with Kevin Costner and the President of BP and see how fast they can make Pensacola.

crackblind said...

You left out Youklis in the list of Jewish players. worth it if only for this 2006 tirade by Denis Leary during a visit to the booth:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/leary-gibson-p1.php

Oh and the Spring Awakening slot is actually known as the Rent Memorial Over-Amplification show for the under 30s

vince said...

Lea is a good singer. Period. She is not worthy or qualified to lick the soles of Barbra Streisand's Stuart Weitzman pumps. Barbra reigns.