Monday, June 28, 2010

the Ken Levine STAND IN LINE FOR YOU service!!

Today’s blog post is sponsored by… me.

Announcing the….

KEN LEVINE “STAND IN LINE FOR YOU” SERVICE

For only $1000 I will provide someone to stand in line for you. Just think – the next time Apple comes out with new ear buds you won’t have to stand in line from 4:00 AM just to buy them the first day! You’ve seen all those lines last week at Apple stores for the new iPhone. They stretched out for miles. Maybe you were in one. What a drag! Who needs it? I imagine after the first six hours it started to get boring.

Or you were one of those people who saw the news stories and said, “look at those idiots” and then in the next breath, “I wish I had a new iPhone”.

Well now you can! Now you stand in line while you sleep. Oh, you may say, “Why would I pay $1000 to get a $400 item?” And I would say to you, “Why stand in line for seven hours when you could wait a couple of weeks and just walk in at your leisure and buy one?”

This offer extends to movie lines. Sure, it’s a little steep to shell out a grand for a twelve dollar movie ticket but if you HAVE to see ECLIPSE the very first showing and it’s so important that you line up two days ahead, so what if you have to cash in your Savings Bonds and dip into your college fund? And we’re talking a movie here. Those things are apt to change from showing to showing. So if you waited say three days and went to a noon matinee when the theater would be completely empty God knows what you’d see? It’s not like a concert where they have a set song list written down on a piece of a paper.

Tired of those long TSA security lines at the airport? For a thousand bucks we inch along for an hour and you just slide in when you reach the front. Special introductory airport bonus: We’ll stand in the Starbucks line too!

And for a limited time only – join our ON LINE VIP CLUB. For only $50,000 we’ll stand in every line you encounter for one calendar year! The Post Office, checkout counters, McDonalds, flu shots (for an extra $2000 we’ll even take the shot for you), concession stands (you want a hot dog but your beloved Pittsburgh Pirates might score a run this inning!). We'll get to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE early and put your name down. We'll wait in line for the AMERICAN IDOL open auditions and if they stick a camera in our representative's face he'll yell, "Whoooo! My client will be the next American Idol!"

Hey, it’s worth the fifty grand alone just for Costco!

So sign up today! The only thing is I don’t have Pay Pal or a way for you to order on line or through the mail. You’re going to have sign-up in person. The address is 118753 Wilshire Blvd, Beverly Hills. Doors open at 9 AM tomorrow and there are only limited spots. So if you want one, you might want to get over there now. And bring a blanket. It gets cold on that pavement at night.

20 comments:

Mary Stella said...

Where were you with this service in the 80s when I camped out overnight for Springsteen tickets?

Not that I could have afforded the fee, but I might have been able to weasel it out of my parents. "See Mom and Dad, if we pay this guy to stand in line for me, I won't have to cut class."

Chip said...

I'll take two, please!! For whatever it is! I don't care! Oh, God, please!! I just want to be first!!!!

(wv: slonites - my dating prowess in high school)

Anonymous said...

As Basil Fawlty would say, "BRILLIANT!"

tb said...

You could extend it to picket lines, too. "We understand you're completely behind the cause, but jeez it looks hot out there..." We'll wear a sandwich board with "(your name) cares!" on it

Paul said...

That address isn't valid. I think you meant to say 111118753 Wilshire Blvd.

Janet T said...

how about Disneyland- and will you keep the kids with you while we go get an adult beverage?

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I've heard of people doing this many years ago. They were charging $20. Inflation?

YEKIMI said...

I was going to sign up for this but the line was way too long.

D. McEwan said...

About 30 years ago I camped overnight for Sprinsteen tickets I had no interest in using, for some friends who were dying to see him but couldn't be there. Foolish me. I did it for free, out of this friendship thing. Well, they saw Springsttten, and we're still friends.

I was going to camp out overnight for Dame Edna tickets, but it seemed kind of foolish, since I was the only person there. So instead, I just "camped." More appropriate for Edna anyway.

D. McEwan said...

Apparently my resistence to seeing Springsteen extends to spelling his name correctly.

Anonymous said...

Reminded me of a wonderful short film about this someone made called Rent A Person--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU

dodzsky said...

wow nice go there, but unluckily i can't afford to go there.

l.a.guy said...

Last time I heard "lines" and $50,000 in the same sentence it involved white powder.

I have a Friday question but it's about baseball. I was watching the Dodger-Yankees game Sunday and at one point they showed Ronnie Belliard spitting out what I first assumed was toxic waste but later realized was chewing tobacco. If I remember correctly MLB banned chewing tobacco in the minor leagues and endeavored to educate the major leagues players about the hazards of sucking on carcinogenic shrubs for 9 innings. I haven't seen any follow-up on this, but since you're around the players a lot (or a lot more than me) I was wondering how prevalent you think use of chewing tobacco is by today's players?

amyp3 said...

Friday Question Also:
Was talking "Parks & Rec" with someone on Done Deal. He quoted an Amy Poehler interview where she said they usually have the equivalent of about a 40-minute show before post starts.

I'm not sure if the extra footage is a bunch of improv stuff that gets cut or they shoot more than a standard number of pages.

I can recall some shows of the past that were written on the fly: Moonlighting, West Wing. I wonder if they also ended up shooting way more than average because of that.

My question: Would you say the majority of shows trim their shooting scripts to just about the correct running time before anything's filmed? Or do lots of shows shoot way more script and cut in post?

Anonymous said...

What, are you kidding, Friday questions all ready. Ok, here's my question: what day is this?

J S Swanson said...

Interesting offer but I think you're still selling yourself short. After all, you've got a Hollywood Pedigree so ~~ what I really want to know is how much you'd charge to arrange lunch with Teri Hatcher. Or cocktails with Sen. Al Franken.

D. McEwan said...

J, the only reason I can think of to lunch with the famously-unpleasant Teri Hatcher is because when you ask her: "Are you gong to eat that?" she'll always say, "No."

Janice said...

Lines for Eclipse: You overlook that they are a social occasion, a sort of miniconvention for the fans. I have known fans who went to the lines to socialize without intending to see the movie then at all. Fans, being often young, poor and cheap, are driven to inventing new ways of making friends that don't cost much or involve any particular effort beyond showing up.

jankworks said...

Dear Mr Ken,

I am very interested in this offer, as it will suit my interests and yours. I have given it several considerations, and after prolonged discombobulation with my Minister of Finance, have decided to accept said contract. Please be aware that our Treasury mistakenly forwarded you a check in the amount of 100,000 dollars and would like to request, as a matter of courtesy, that the remainder of the balance be returned before business commences in earnest.


Yours in confidence,


Prince of the Orient, Slayer of Manatees, Conqueror of the Eleven Foot Tall Cupboard, Joe.

Debbie said...

I feel the same way about Anna's. Everyone their knew my name and was there to share in the highs and lows of my life. I miss them all ready