Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Bravo's PREGNANT IN HEELS -- Oh my fucking God!

Rosie Pope
In my never ending quest to bring you the absolute worst, most appalling reality shows on television, I present PREGNANT IN HEELS on Bravo. Thanks to reader Matt for turning me on to this argument for why rich people are buffoons and shouldn’t be allowed to have matches much less children.

The show centers around Rosie Pope, a willowy opportunist who calls herself a “Maternity Concierge” to the “million dollar mamas” of New York’s Upper East Side. These rich sheep now have consultants for everything. I imagine these self-proclaimed experts are selected by which cable network their reality show is on.

Here’s Rosie Pope’s qualifications for guiding you through pregnancy and parenting: She’s a maternity clothes designer.

In last night’s premiere episode she handled two very difficult cases. Sarah & her probably gay husband, and power couple Samantha Ettus & Mitch. I’d say SPOILER ALERT but either you’re not going to watch this crap anyway or you are just to see if I’m really describing this accurately (I am).

Sarah and Jon live in a swank loft. She’s eight months along. Their problem is that they don’t want this baby to disrupt their lives in any way. Is there a social worker in the house??? Babies have been called little miracles and bundles of joy. Not before Sarah have I ever heard them referred to as life force sucking parasites. Seriously, Joan Crawford would flinch.

Sarah Dearest asks Rosie to design a nursery that doesn’t cramp their style, a nursery that “isn’t too…baby.” The kid’s due in three weeks. They’ve done virtually nothing to prepare.

And then there’s Samantha & Mitch. She’s a best-selling author and talk show guest, and he’s a big business success as evidenced by some Lucite award he once won. They’re having their third child. But they’re in serious crisis mode because they can’t seem to come up with the perfect “marquee” name for him. Samantha says, “We want our baby to have class surrounding their brand.”

For their first two children they compiled a list of names that major “thought leaders” had selected for their kids and debated over each one. That’s 12,000 names. 12,000 separate discussions. (Little wonder that Samantha has a blog called OBSESSED.) 

But that was very time consuming (life force sucking), so they’ve called upon Rosie Pope – the Lone Ranger of the Stupid Rich – to do the legwork for them for brand, I mean baby number three.

This is so much easier for Jews, by the way. Who’s a recent dead relative? That’s the name. Let’s eat.

Rosie takes Sarah and the lovely Mister shopping. Trying to teach Sarah how to fold up a baby stroller is like teaching a monkey how to be a Benihana chef. Rosie convinces her that she needs a baby toy in the crib and suggests this big pink stuffed teddy bear. Sarah is repulsed. The toy she selects: one wooden alphabet block. At least it wasn’t a wire hanger.

Rosie the Riveting assembles a “think tank” for Samantha & Mitch. Among the luminaries sitting around the conference table are Rosie’s fashion expert assistant L.T., (who looks and acts like Hollywood Montrose in MANNEQUIN but weirder... and with a hairstyle that can only be described as a mare's tail hanging down to his nose so his face really does look like a horses' ass). Sam & Mitch are horrified. Others on the panel include a linguistics expert, a baby name blogger, a poet, and some other woman – I have no idea what she does and it wasn’t worth hitting rewind.

Samantha spelled out some moniker guidelines. It must be easy to spell but not too popular. No decorative names, no names that start with J, E, or R, and no names that end with S. Also, no names that are only two letters. They tossed around names and settled on about ten.

Back at Sarah’s stylish flat, Rosie shows up with a therapist. She delicately confesses she has some “concerns” that perhaps Sarah’s baby might not be born into the most loving and nurturing of environments. I think her unstated real concern is that Sarah will sell the baby for a new iPad2.

Sarah, of course, is livid but after five minutes of whiz-bang therapy Sarah is completely turned around. Edited out was probably the part where the therapist hypnotized her with a shiny object.

Next we see that Rosie has arranged a Focus Group to whittle down the ten names. By now my jaw's on the floor.  Sam & Mitch are very excited and sit in the next room observing through the one-way mirror. Within minutes they’re calling the members of the Focus Group idiots. I would submit that the bigger idiots are the ones who commissioned them in the first place… and probably for a cost of about ten thousand dollars. That’s a lot of money to hear what strangers think of the name Tucker.

Rosie and L.T., her assistant (who RuPaul would say butch-up), go to Sarah’s apartment to set up the nursery. Sarah and her husband leave while the transformation is being done although I would have bet even money it would have been Sarah’s husband and L.T. who leave together.

Samantha & Mitch now have a dinner party of their snooty friends to narrow down the names even more. And who knew? They all have conflicting opinions. Poor Sam & Mitch. This being a parent thing is HARD!  By the way, Samantha also gives parenting advice on THE TODAY SHOW. 

Flash forward three weeks and both women are new mommies. Samantha & Mitch selected the name Bowen, which is the one name that everybody in every group hated. And Sarah & Jon are blissfully in love with their new baby – named Fox. Now they could have used a Focus Group.

PREGNANT IN HEELS. I look forward to the follow-up reality series – EASTSIDE RUNAWAYS.

81 comments:

beingbrad said...

You are a brave soul, sir.

Your time spent in the trenches of despair, foraging for remnants of our lost humanity have not been overlooked.

Please do not lose hope. I've lost enough for the both of us.

Naz said...

I wonder why Rachel Zoe wasn't included in this hot mess.

MikeBo said...

This is the worst @#%&XX* TV plot line I've seen since I stumbled onto an episode of "Celebrity Rehab." I fear you are spending too much of your idle time on the road watching cable TV.

Laurie A said...

I too watched this POS and your assessment was dead on! I spent the much of the time trying to figure out where Rosie Pope's accent was from. I even Googled her to find out if she was deaf as her speech pattern reminded me of one who was or had been hard of hearing. Does she have a Cochlear implant?

Mary Stella said...

Oh dear God. Either one of those poor babies would be better off with the Castevets from Rosemary's Baby.

Any chance there will be a follow-up show in which social services does a routine visit? Now that episode I might watch.

Thanks for taking one for the team, Ken.

In a complete switch of shows, have you watched Body of Proof? I caught the second episode last night. *Spoiler alert* They solved the case by analyzing the dried baby vomit on the dead victim's clothes. It revealed that the baby's mother was doing cocaine which passed to her baby through her breast milk. The murder victim, a social worker, had realized the mom was on drugs and was going to have the baby removed.

Would we ever have seen this on Quincy, M.E.?

Great Big Radio Guy said...

You never want to see a good friend suffer. I am so sorry you saw that, Ken. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you and Debby to get you through this.

Mac said...

And in the future 'I Was A Reality TV Baby.'
Where the adult Bowen and Fox talk about being barred from the furniture they clashed with on a design level.

Kyle said...

Nice try Ken, but April Fool's Day was last wee...what? This IS a real show? Good God, this kind of crap is making me hope the Mayans were right about 2012.

RockGolf said...

If there is a God, Bowen will grow up to marry someone named Arrow.

WV: Bootype - is that boo type, boot ype, or booty pe?

Janet T said...

Just reading your blog was like watching a train wreck, I could not look away. I think I lost Bravo when I downgraded my service- now I'm not sorry in the least.
Not that this sounds like anything I would EVER watch, but I appreciate the warning, Ken.

New shows- I did like the first episode of "the Killing" on AMC- sort of like a who killed Laura Palmer thing, with more rain and no dwarves, (so far)

RCP said...

I loved today's post - absolutely hilarious.

Charlie said...

What I'd like to know is the names of Sammy and Mitcher's first two kids that turned them away from their previous naming strategy?

I can only hope little Abercrombie and Chlamydia are coping okay with their new sibling.

Mr. Hollywood said...

"Trying to teach Sarah how to fold up a baby stroller is like teaching a monkey how to be a Benihana chef."
Ken, this is one of the great lines ... OF ALL TIME!
Oh, wonderful piece too!!

Sidd Finch said...

What, still no Bridget Fonda sightings?

David said...

Reading your column about this show made me chortle.

Actually watching the show would have made me hurl.

You, sir, are a great humanitarian. Thank you.

Mike said...

You probably realize this will ensure more viewers. We loves a train wreck.

Perhaps I should give it all up and become a paternity mancierge. $10,000-an-hour to offer a quick pep convo (mental fluffing for narcissists) and coordinate a good time for those busy, rich fathers to do "the deed" between business deals, manscaping or dressing down the help (of course, everyone on the planet except dad is considered the help).

I just wonder what's next on Bravo. Maybe What Not to Wear for What Not to Watch but We Know You Will.

Hilarious post, sir!

Joseph Scarbrough said...

"She’s eight months along. Their problem is that they don’t want this baby to disrupt their lives in any way. Is there a social worker in the house???"

See... THIS is why it's a good idea to practice some form of contraceptive... there's really no need to have babies anymore: not only are the parents going to spend half of their days complaining about the babies being, "Life sucking parasites" (thanks Ken), but like Colonel Potter once said, "Havin' babies is fun, but babies grow into people, where are they gonna put 'em all?" The world's so over-crowded as it is (I blame that mostly on "accidental" pregnancies).

Corinne said...

This is April 1st, right?

Like, it's playing over and over again like 'Groundhog Day'?

Seriously. Your April 1st post was more realistic than this one.

Someone I once knew said, "It's amazing how easily white trash can breed."

Apparently "white trash" has no bank limit and extends beyond the trailer park.

VW- "Molli"
I guess that wouldn't be upper crust enough?

Charles H. Bryan said...

I remember when there were only three channels and people complained that there was nothing but crap on TV -- how could three hundred channels fare any better?

That any of this is more admirable than talking horses, flying nuns, suburban witches, or an astronaut's harem-pantsed girlfriend living in a bottle is beyond me.

Come back, Petticoat Junction! Come back, Girl from U.N.C.L.E! All is forgiven!

Brian Berry said...

And we wonder why cable companies are against the idea of a la carte pricing of channels.

If I had the choice, I'd drop Bravo like a bad habit, now that I finally have all the episodes of The West Wing on DVD.

John said...

Jon's last name in the "Sarah and Jon" coupling wouldn't be Gosselin, would it? That would be the only explanation I could see for such blatant demonstration of parental stupidity for the TV cameras.

William Gallagher said...

Is this a good place to leave a Friday question, please?

What's it like for a showrunner when their show hasn't officially been cancelled but the star takes a role in a new pilot? I'm thinking of Kyle Bornheimer and Perfect Couples: could there be a case where the original show gets picked up for a new season and they can't get the cast back?

William Gallagher

tb said...

Pointing out the "horses ass haircut"
was coffee-spitting funny, I salute you

Steve Zeoli said...

I think they had a show like this in ancient Rome just before the empire collapsed, only it was called With Child In Sandals.

Here's my idea for a reality show: Gather programming executives from all networks and cable channels in a prison. Test the audiences for each station at the beginning of the TV season and again at the end. The station whose audience's IQ drops the most is immediately forced to carry an anvil across the Grand Canyon, Wile E. Coyote-styel. Repeat until one of two things happens: Programs get better and audiences smarter, or there are no programming executives left.

Mike Barer said...

I would think that reality programming in general would be the number enemy of a TV writer, because for every reality program, there is a writing staff without a job.

jbryant said...

I look forward to seeing the more egregious moments from this on THE SOUP, whose producers must be salivating.

Tom Wolper said...

Jews don't name children after a recently deceased relative any more. We pick a name we like for the baby and then spend all the time and effort going through both parents' family trees to find a relative that we tell our families we named the baby for.

Dannyboi said...

Great post! I must say, the one couple - Sarah and John, were truly AWFUL people. Not only did they seem way too arrogant, stupid and self absorbed to be having a child, but I would bet money that poor FOX will have to live through a divorce in the future. I see I was not the only one to notice that the husband was most definitely a queen. He set my gaydar off through the roof!

LAprGuy said...

Please tell me that you and Candice Bergen watched this show together.

Alexis Morrell said...

I hope someone named Matt or Sarah punches them in the face someday.

Paul V. said...

Now I have to watch this show. I can't believe something this bad actually exists - and I've been to Detroit.

Great post, as always, Ken. The title alone is laugh out loud funny.

Matt said...

I did feel badly after I suggested (begged!) you to watch it, but I'm so happy now...

Thank you so much for reviewing it. You did exactly what I'd hope you would do!

Matt Patton said...

Except for the minor Devil-Worship thing (and the Jokes For The John) book in the bathroom, The Castavets would be better parents than 90% of the freaks they dig up for reality TV shows.

What happened to Bravo, anyway? I remember when it was sort of a performing-arts cable channel (the mantle it inherited from A&E after the latter went True Crime Most of The Time). I suppose the turning point was the success of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, but from the few episodes of that show I watched, it featured mostly nice people helping other nice people clean their bathrooms, tuck their shirts in, and do a bit of cooking so that their nice girlfriends would realize they were serious about getting serious. Maybe I missed the horrifying episodes . . . (By the way, Bravo shipped the tapes of concerts and operas in inherited from A&E over to Ovation, which will probably achieve its true break-through when it starts televising live executions.)

xjill said...

OMG Ken. I'm dying. Oh, the humanity! Or lack thereof???

"If there is a God, Bowen will grow up to marry someone named Arrow." comment gold!!

Pete Grossman said...

Ken Levine's new reality show?

"Who’s a recent dead relative? That’s the name. Let’s eat."

(Thanks for the laugh!)

Raymond said...

Words fail me.

Jim said...

My sides have only now stopped hurting. Thanks so much!

cshel said...

Ken -

So hilarious! I am not even tempted to watch it. I fear for our humanity. But your retelling of it is so awesome that I hope you will keep watching and reporting. I only wish you had revealed more of the names considered, and what the baby's room came out looking like.

RockGolf - great joke!

As someone else mentioned, I look forward to seeing clips of this on the SOUP.

Tim W. said...

If these people are wealthy, what the hell are they doing on a reality show. I think the only viable excuse for appearing on a reality show is you desperately need the money.

Also, I know this will offend people, but isn't this what abortions are for? I mean, if only the fetus knew, they'd be begging for it.

Pat Reeder said...

I never watch reality shows, but I enjoy your recaps of them. They prove that a good writer can make even the worst crap entertaining. That's why I only watch shows that have actual writers, not just people who hold up cue cards reading, "Amazing!" and "Oh..My...God!" Jimmy Kimmel has done some hilarious montages of those cliches being repeated ad nauseum.

This show in particular sounds like it would really depress me. I hate being reminded of how little connection there is between having intelligence and having money.

VP81955 said...

That any of this is more admirable than talking horses, flying nuns, suburban witches, or an astronaut's harem-pantsed girlfriend living in a bottle is beyond me.

Agreed. If this is reality, for God's sake give me fantasy!

Anonymous said...

A quote from Ms. Ettus er Mrs. Jacobs.

Oh yes, and my beyond delicious kids are named Ella, Ruby and Bowen.

Bowen said...

A quote from Ms. Ettus er Mrs. Jacobs.

Oh yes, and my beyond delicious kids are named Ella, Ruby and Bowen.

@IFeedUrTV said...

I feel a Ken Levine YouTube channel coming on. I know it's never gonna happen, but just think how much fun we'd have seeing your description acted out and translated into an intentional comedy. It'd be better than a lot of what I have to watch at work, which includes some of these "reality" shows.

PS: Anyone who thinks of their baby as a brand needs to be branded themselves - with a nice hot cattle prod.

Wordifier - DABINGS: what happens in Chicago when someone gets unsatisfying internet search results.

Matt Patton said...

The fact is, rich kids have been essentially ignored by their parents from time immemorial--it's just that there usually isn't a camera crew on hand to record the indifference.

monica said...

Note to Sam and Mitch. I totally get the annoyance of all the useless baby stuff cluttering the apartment.
We got our daughter out of the crib at 18m and toliet trained shortly thereafter. The other moms thought I was crazy. We had to move out of the city because of her fall birthdate and private schools have a Sept 1 cut-off date for kindergarten. She's now 6 and at the top of her 1st grade.
No baby-talk for this momma!

mike said...

Jeez, people will name their kids any old thing nowadays. Doesn't even have to be an actual name.

Anonymous said...

I could NOT believe Samantha Ettus! I was so disappointed because she always looks so sweet and cute in her pictures and promoting her books. She came off as an AWFUL person in this episode. Who am I kidding...both of these couples came off as awful people. It was so unsettling to see people think so highly of themselves....

RAR said...

That poor kid. What's even worse - I think - is that the two girls this couple have didn't warrant the need for branding, for a marquee name. No, it's the child with the penis that deserves this extra attention. He's the one that might be president in 2060.

Elizabeth said...

@Monica --

very funny!

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe they chose "Bowan" what an incredibly stupid name. Asher was by far the better choice. I found the show totally entertaining and horrifying at once. When is Sarah's husband going to come out of his closet - it's 2011, dude it's ok to be gay.

David K. M. Klaus said...

Actually, I have heard more than once the word "parasite" used -- read it in a published letter in a magazine letter column, too.

I don't like it, but on the other hand, I'll never be pregnant either, so early on it's not for me to say.

But if a woman harbors that attitude at month eight out of nine, it's time to call either an adoption agency or child protective services.

Mommie Dearest, indeed.

Nilah said...

This was the funniest blog I have read in a very long time. I am still laughing as I type. You captured exactly what I was thinking. Please watch again this week because your blog is better than watching the show. LOL>

Barbara said...

I can't understand a word that this host of the show is saying. What's wrong with her speech?

pricelessheifer said...

i too have been trying to figure out if she is deaf....i was so obssessed with that i stopped watching the show so i could go on the web and figure it out!!! Still don't know the answer....someone please tell me!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Spot on review of the show. Well done :)

Bruce Tritton said...

I stopped watching reality TV after seeing the first episode of Survivor. When I did a survival course I never once had to put together a giant jigsaw puzzle in the middle of the jungle.

At the time I thought 'Thank god this reality crap won't last'. Truly unbelievable drivel.

Mind you I also predicted that cRap would only last a few months, in 1989.

Each time some new reality TV show came out I was sick to my stomach. "They are really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one." I would say.

Can it be that they have in fact scraped passed the bottom of the barrel and into the slime embedded in the oak with this show?

Anonymous said...

Bravo must be getting desperate. This is a stupid show. It make me wonder if these rich people are suppose to be stupid by design. It's all about them. If you have to hand it to Rosie Pope, she knows how to make a living off of stupid people. I say good for her.

Debra said...

I guess i'm not the only one watching this show who think these "dad's to be" are mostly gay! What? to keep their inheritance they need to marry straight?? Crazy!

Anonymous said...

Friday Question:

What substantial plot/character changes were made to Mannequin when you got on board?
Every character has a lot going on and every scene pushes and uses comedy to the fullest extent. Was the crew at 'Illustra' always a part of the story? Did Jonathan always drive a motorcycle?

I love the film, just wondered what core elements were different from the original draft and when you and partner came on board.

I always enjoy your blog, thanks!

Anonymous said...

Beingbrad...I agree with your post. Bottomline, why does anyone need someone to help them figure out such trivial things as a baby name? Like seriously do you not have friends and family? The other couple on this episode....how in the hell do you not deal with being pregnant and you're 8 months along?!?!? Clearly these parents live in a different reality and it goes to show that any idiot can make a baby. I hope bravo cancels this super ridiculous show.

Anonymous said...

Loved this blog - my first time reading it. I too, wonder what's wrong with Ms. Pope's speech. Is she using a "retainer"? I've been watching this show because I'm "flabbergasted" at how callous and stupid these rich people are. There must be some good and sensitive rich parents, but the couples in these episodes should have been sterilized as soon as they were married, since they can't be "bothered" with babies.

Sophie said...

I am home sick on the couch and they are having a marathon (3 episodes back to back) of this show. And it IS like a train wreck, impossible to look away from people who are so uncontrollably delusional and self important. Especially the Sam and Mitch couple...I guarantee by the time he is 16 little Bowen Asher will be a very well organized addict or an emancipated minor with parents like his.

And I agree with those trying to figure out Rosie Pope's accent...she sounds like she had some sort of voice training. My suspicion would be that she probably had a Cockney or Geordie English accent but decided she needed to flatten it out to work with her 'high class' cliental...

CaliCarol said...

I wrote Bravo to complain a out this abomination when Rosie had a 9-months pregnant client go on a diet and took her to the park and made her work out! Dangerous. Rosie is so arrogant and has no qualifications for many of the things she does. Yuk! Take it off the air!

Anonymous said...

OMg..Is this a speech impediment?? Or just a Bostonian accent??? Have to mute the TV, she sounds exactly like Cartman on Southpark!!! Sickening...

Anonymous said...

She seems so pathetic!!!

Divadebbi said...

OMG I loved this Blog...you are hilarious. I too am confused about Rosie's accent, which was just spoofed on SNL. I did suspect a cochlear implant too. She sounds a wee bit like Marlee Matlin.

Gotta go...have about 2000 of your blogs to catch up on.

Anonymous said...

Watching this episode right now - kudos for Rosie making money off these ridiculous people. Found your page after I Googled to figure out Rosie's accent like Laurie A. asked...

Evidently Rosie knows people are wondering and tweeted about it here:
http://twitter.com/#!/RosiePope/status/45147422489452545

Balablog said...

I'm sorry, but what's with the way Ms. Pope speaks...is that a lisp, a British accent, or just some weird affected way of talking?

Anonymous said...

"could it be a food?"

Answer from mother, "No, because that would be too decorative."

Who are these f-ing people?

They are insufferable.

Anonymous said...

BTW -- one of my clients is named "Bo," and he's currently facing a 30+-count indictment for various nefarious white-collar counts. Perhaps fitting for these people.

tales from the pole said...

ha ha ha ha ha coming soon "eastside runaways" pfffffftttt i hate all these shows. "why rich people are better than/more funny than you are." and i keep reminding myself of the four people who committed suicide after appearing on reality shows and the one guy that cut off his wife's fingers and pulled all her teeth out after he strangled her who WON one. i believe it was entitled "i love money." how a pro pro. suddenly it's not so "funny" anymore...but it's definitely very "real." if jerry springer was the circus maximus of our modern era bravo is the dungeon of the marquis de sade.

SheilaD said...

Samantha and Mitch are clearly living in a dream if they think a child named Bowen is going to ever be president with parents like them. Manic depressive with low self esteem - yes. President - no.

As for Sarah's poor (only) child. He won't be able to handle living within the confines of a home that isn't his. Wow.

The adage "money does not buy class" is certainly accurate in both of these situations.

Anonymous said...

You know you can always turn the channel.There are people out here who actually do enjoy watching it.NOBODY is forcing you!!Just remember that!!!She is British people!! Get over it,if you don't like don't watch!!

Anonymous said...

Those poor, (sic) poor children; fancy having to watch this show,featuring your nouveau rich parents, years from now...Oh well, there's always therapy and drugs for that kind of thing.

Rockermom59 said...

Did you have to use such language in your headline. Rosie Pope I a breath of fresh air. Hope she comes back!

Anonymous said...

I understand why you are dissing the people on the show but the show itself i found when i was pregnant very helpful and entertaining, if you have watched the other episodes you would know that.. i know the people on there are basically missing there left brain but as i said its actually a good show

chamber maid said...

Never mind her idiscernable speech from this "wannabe_____" fill in the blank. The whole show will make you cringe. She has recreated art of doubletalk bullshit and in between the slurred words and noticable and annoying lisps, she is rude and has no experience with anything except maternity clothing. Who did she screw for this part?? Just take a look at most of the people she is servicing, they can't understand what the hell she is saying either. They just want to buy their way onto tv for their 15 mins of fame. If you feel the need to SUFFER a-lot, go ahead and watch. I would rather read a book.
Or stick needles in my eyes. Blegh.

Anonymous said...

Rachel Zoe, Rosie Post, Madonna....whats the difference again???????

Anonymous said...

Hey guys..can anyone tell me what Sarah's last name is? LOL I so want to creep her online..she is such a hot mess..so tempting to watch more of the trainwreck online?

Sparkina said...

Branding? For crying in Manhattan, it's a BABY, not a HAMBURGER COMPANY! That said, I do really like (as in love) the name Bowen. So dignified, like a Southern gentleman, or one of King Arthur's knights, or a paperback romance hero, or an emperor from a fairy tale. One of the reasons I like it is because when I was a tween, I had a (platonic male) friend named Owen, and Bowen is like Owen, only with a B. Also, it reminds me of Bowie, as in David, who is my favorite musician of all time. And hey, they can always call the boy Bo, for short.