Thursday, September 01, 2011

DANCING WITH THE PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR STARS Announces New Line-up!

ABC has announced it’s new set of celebrities for the 13th season of DANCING WITH THE STARS and to say it’s a joke is an understatement. These are stars??? Really???


Nancy Grace – cable news attention whore.


David Arquette – biggest claim to fame was being dumped by Courtney Cox.

Ron Artest – Unstable L.A. Laker who is changing his name to “Metta World Peace”.

Chaz Bono – Son and former daughter of Sonny & Cher. Last seen on CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Elizabetta Canalis – star qualification: George Clooney’s dumped girlfriend.

Rob Kardashian – Of all the many Kardashians they could have picked, Rob??? That’s like picking Gummo Marx.

Kristin Cavallari – You’ve hated her in LAGUNA BEACH, THE HILLS, and THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY. Bimbo idiot.

Carson Kressly – from QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, that big hit cable show… in 2003.


Ricki Lake – Been up and down more than her weight.


J.R. Martinez – Soap opera person.

Hope Solo – Soccer player who posed nude for ESPN The Magazine. Not even Playboy. ESPN.

What a sad collection of losers, nobodies, and hanger-ons. This show is a haven for D-list celebrities to try to resurrect their flimsy careers. The desperation is palpable.

Who’s left for season 14? Octomom, the Unibomber, Suri Cruise, Michael Vick, Lorena Bobbit, Joanne Worley, Barry Bonds’ trainer, Brian Dunkleman, the greeter at the Palm, Jamie McCourt, Claudine Longet, and Spongebob Square Pants?

What’s amazing to me is this: the so-called stars from Season 13 are not much different from the nimrods in previous seasons. Tucker Carlson, Jerry Springer, Wayne Newton, Josie Maran, Holly Madison, Ty Murray, Tom DeLay, Louie Vito, Kate Gosselin, David Hasselhoff, Audrina Patridge, and Bristol Palin, for godsakes, who tromped around like a transformer and actually finished third.

At one time on CBS there was a show called CIRCUS OF THE STARS. Now you can imagine how tacky that was. And yet, the stars included Lucille Ball, Burt Lancaster, Janet Leigh, Lana Turner (did I mention this was CIRCUS OF THE STARS?), James Earl Jones, Whoopi Goldberg, Angela Lansbury, Vincent Price, Lyn Redgrave, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Rock Hudson, Glenn Ford, and Debbie Reynolds. There’s no way that Chaz Bono or Kristin Cavallari makes that roster. On the other hand, I would PAY to see Nancy Grace in a lion’s cage.

The point is: the bar has been lowered – to where it’s now on the ground. At what point do we say enough?  Rob Kardashian is considered a star?  Do the Menendez Brothers have to be co-champions before we decide that DANCING WITH THE STARS has run its course? My guess is yes.

Personally, I have a rule. I will watch no show featuring “stars” where I’m a bigger name than any of them.

63 comments:

Mr. Arkadin said...

Claudine Longet!

Lisa said...

I am constantly surprised as I find out nearly every member of my extended family watches this show. Ick.

Remember Battle of the Network Stars? LOVED that show. But it had recognizable stars on it, from television shows I watched.

mskenny said...

As a women's soccer fan, I consider Hope Solo to be a star. More importantly, she's a bit of a nutjob so it could be interesting at least.

Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason said...

Unlike your version of the original programme "Strictly Come Dancing", here in the UK we have to endure has been politicians who's only experience at dancing is when someone asks them an awkward or politically embarrassing question. mind you Ken, we have a lot of wannabe's here as well. lol :))

Sean D. said...

I'm with Lisa regarding Battle of the Network Stars. Those early ones in the 70s actually had series leads out there making fools of themselves in the dunking booth and playing
"Simon Says."

I could only imagine the reaction of actors & agents today if the network came to them saying "We've got this idea to use the set up from Wide World of Sports' SUPERSTARS competition..."

Steve Schnier said...

Hey... Don't knock Joanne Worley. She did some very good work. On "Laugh-in".

Chip said...

The Love Boat of the new millennium. But at least the Love Boat had Gopher. And a boat.

Hey! Season 14 would be great if they had the cast (surviving?) of Love Boat compete! I'd watch that. Twice.

WV: "torecle" - the injury I received when I crotched myself at the end of our staircase banister.

Jason W. said...

I just about did a spit take at your list of next season's cast. Claudine Longet....Joanne Worley...Brian Dunkleman....Hilarious.

RevChris01 said...

Man, I wish they'd bring back Circus of the Stars! That was some funny stuff. Then again, I refuse to watch reality tv..

Curious said...

I have a Question. Was it easier for Circus with the Stars to get big names because it was not a big commitment? (Did they only have to do one show instead of an entire season? Or they didn't have to spend much time preparing for the show? Or maybe because it wasn't live and if they messed up they could try again?)
or Did the big name stars have to appear due to their contract?

Carol said...

Oh, I loved watching Battle of the Network Stars when I was a kid. I loved the Simon Says thing - the guy who called it was really good. I made it a goal as a child to try to trip people up like he did. Don't think I ever succeeded.

I remember Circus of the Stars, too. I think Brooke Shields did a trapese act or something.

I do wish we'd go back to the days where a 'star' was at least someone who knew how to read a script, emote, and 'get into character'.

benson said...

Alas, it's time to once again quote the classic comic strip Pogo: "We have met the enemy and he is us".

There wouldn't be this crap if we didn't watch this crap and if everyone wasn't so obsessed with celebrity and ute.

Sorry. In a cranky mood today.

purplejilly said...

Ken Levine for the next Season of Dancing with the Stars!

I have to put one small plug in for this show, and say something good that it does do. My MIL is in her 60's and deaf. She has a hard time watching TV with me most of the time, because I am watching things like the Daily Show, or the Colbert Report, and the jokes are much harder to get as she furiously tries to read the captions scrolling way too quickly across the screen, because it is such a 'verbal' show, and delivered at such rapid-fire speed. It's exhausting for her to try and keep up.

But Dancing with the Stars - THIS she loves. Even though she can't hear the music, she loves to watch the dancing, the costumes, the swaying, the gesturing, it's so very visual, and it's fun for her to watch, and it's something we can sit around and see with my 7 year old too.
It's a fluffy, easy to watch, visual feast without anything to offend either the grandma or the child. So we do watch it, and enjoy it, for the family bonding time.
So it does have some redeeming qualities

Skytalon said...

purplejelly, I completely identify with your MIL. I am deaf myself, and I read fast. But my issue with the talk shows that the captions are few seconds delayed, so I am late to laugh. I tried watching Tosh.0, yes it is funny, but I feel like i am late to a party and missed the fun part. Like if Tosh shows a video, and it rolled to end, then his comments abt the said video starts onto the new video.. so it's distracting.

To keep on topic, i pretty much gave up on Dancing with the Stars because they aren't real stars. And that Nicole Scherzinger was on it, and it's not fair because she has a dance background plus having a past winner dancer gave her unfair advantage. I think it's rigged. And other dance partners keep getting crappy stars, like for example, Tony Dovalani. He got lucky with Melissa Rycroft only because his original star partner bowed out!

Rob said...

Has Nancy Grace already decided who the winner is?

Tom Quigley said...

Maybe they should change the name of the show to DANCING WITH THE CREEPS...

Ketchikan Sam said...

Nancy Grace and Casey Anthony on the same roster, THAT might have been entertaining for a few min. I guess a lot of folks still watch that show since it's still on.

Maybe we can get a movement going to draft Ken for their next season? Who do we annoy first, ABC? The show's producers? Arthur Murray?

Anonymous said...

Lol, is being a soccer player so uncool as being a "soap opera person"? Lionel Messi would starve in the U.S. - apparently, nude modeling would hardly be an option for him.

We call it football said...

Lol, is being a soccer player so uncool as being a "soap opera person"? Lionel Messi would starve in the U.S. - apparently, nude modeling would hardly be an option for him.

Rick said...

I'm actually concerned about Chas Bono being on this (horrific) show at his weight...

emily said...

After seeing that picture, I wonder if Nancy Grace may actually outweigh Chaz Bono...

RCP said...

I would tune in to see the Unibomber and Claudine Longet dance the Tango.

Coinciding with this lowering of the bar for what constitutes a "star" is the tendency of awarding standing ovations for the most mundane performances. Used to be, a person with actual talent and a body of work (usually) spanning decades would receive a standing ovation at some point during his or her "golden" years. Now? If you can tie your shoes while keeping your mouth closed the audience is on its feet.

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

Let's lay odds on how much more popular this show would be if we were to take the entire cast, arm them with pool cues, and let them duke it out.

Over/under is 10 times higher ratings.

D. McEwan said...

"I would PAY to see Nancy Grace in a lion’s cage."

What a terrible thing to wish on beautiful, inncent lions.

I was calling it Dancing With the Has-Beens for a long while, until Tom Delay befouled it, when I started calling it Dancing With the Republicans. Now it's Dancing With the Never-Weres. But no matter what they call it, I never have watched it, and am certainly not starting now.

The thing is, the word "dancing" in the title is just as debased as the word "stars". You want to see actual dancing, watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Tallulah Morehead said...

I turned them down. I'm too BIG! It's the dancers that got small.

But I told them to call me when they mount Staggering With the Stars. My Wobbly Waltz is not to be topped.

D. McEwan said...

Who is "Lionel Messi"?

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the bit from Mike Birbiglia's stand up when he is playing in a celebrity golf tournament... and his playing partners ask him "Who do you think our celebrity's gonna be?"

KXB said...

Re. your Chaz Bono comment- you sure you want the fascist GLADD police on your *ss (ask Chelsea Handler and neutered "comedian" Tracy Morgan about that)?

Janet T said...

"On the other hand, I would PAY to see Nancy Grace in a lion’s cage."

Animal cruelty!


Another reality TV show I do not/will not watch ever.

DJ said...

Who is "Lionel Messi"?

Google can be your friend, if you let it:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lionel_Messi

Anonymous said...

It's not GLADD you need to worry about. Trust me, you do not want to piss off Cher.

Mary Stella said...

I appear to be one of the only regular commenters here who actually enjoys watching Dancing with the Stars.

Even I can't reconcile myself to the disappointing cast. Of course, I've said that in previous seasons, and then someone I've never heard of before, or never been a fan of, does something so human and warm that I end up rooting for them. (Kelly Osbourne, Kyle Massey to name two.)

Will I watch this season anyway? Probably. I've become a big fan of the professional dancers. I don't follow pro soccer and never heard of Hope Solo before she was announced, but she's partnered with Maks and I really want him to win one of these times.

Matt said...

I don't really care much about DWTS (I watched most of one season and sort of enjoyed it and have not seen an episode sense) but I think that you should reconsider your description of JR Martinez as a "soap opera person."
Martinez is a former soldier who was injured by an IED in Iraq and has undergone 32 surgeries to try and help the very extensive injuries he received. He is covered with very visible burn scars and first got attention by traveling around the country as a speaker and someone who works with injured and disabled vets. I don't watch soap operas but my understanding is that he was cast on the show as an attempt to at least include a character which acknowledges that we are at war - something that most of our critically acclaimed scripted shows have never bothered to do.
I might be foolish here. Like I said, I've never seen an episode of the show he is on and he might play his own clone or something stupid, but given the sacrifices he has made and the nature of his work outside of acting I think your description of him seems a little cruel and demeaning. Maybe not more demeaning than appearing on this show though.

marvw said...

Wait a second there. The rest can go bite a pig, but not Jo Anne Worley. She always makes me laugh.

chalmers said...

Ken,

As someone who has suffered through interviews with professional athletes, you’d probably appreciate Hope Solo’s brutally honest reaction after she was benched in the 2007 Women’s World Cup.

Solo had played very well, but the coach went with a hunch and replaced her in the semifinal with 1999 star goalie Briana Scurry. Scurry got blasted, and the U.S. lost 4-0.

Instead of the “Aw shucks, that’s up to the manager, and the reliever was trying hard…” reaction you get when the bullpen blows the game for a starter, here’s Solo’s postgame reaction:

“It was the wrong decision, and I think anybody that knows anything about the game knows that. There's no doubt in my mind I would have made those saves.”

I’ve never watched DWTS, but I know there are some controversial eliminations, and maybe the producers are hoping for some fireworks like that.

Ted said...

I think you're being a little harsh on Gummo.

AlaskaRay said...

I think Lorena Bobbett would be great for the show. When one of the couples get cut, they could really get cut. That's quite an incentive.

Ray

AlaskaRay said...

Also, with Lorena there they could change the name of the show to "Fear Factor".

Ray

Mike Barer said...

I didn't know Hope had posed nude.

John said...

Aw, common Ken -- Spongebob isn't a D list celebrity. He's making more money for Viacom than Charlie Sheen is right now.

Frank said...

I bet next year that asshat Roseanne will be the "big" name on the show.

Anonymous said...

Does anybody really watch that dreck????

Barry Traylor said...

Hilarious! Thank you for reminding me why I never had any desire to watch this sorry excuse for wasting air time.

SoulHonky said...

I don't disagree that "Dancing with the Stars" is scraping the bottom of the barrel but "The Circus of the Stars" comparison is unfair since that was an annual one off special and didn't require the three month commitment or the physical commitment that "Dancing" requires.

Phillip B said...

For 60s and 70s celebrities there was a sort of trifecta - check out who did Hollywood Squares, Love American Style and the Love Boat. (You can substitute Fantasy Island if you must.) Even Andy Warhol did two out of three.

Hard to follow the path to any contemporary equivalent...

Paul Duca said...

I'm just worried if Chaz Bono has enough experience leading...

tb said...

Ron Artest. Oh my God

Cap'n Bob said...

There is no truth to the nasty rumor that Chaz Bono with dance with him-/herself.

Pat Reeder said...

I join in the chorus objecting to the inclusion of the great Joanne Worley among all these nonentities. Would Larry David have cast Chaz Bono as his secretary on "Curb Your Enthusiasm?" That would be pretty...pretty...pret-teeee... unlikely.

IFeedUrTV said...

With one funny and very LOU-OU-OU-OU-OU-OUD exception, this sounds like the cast of next season's Celebrity Rehab. Maybe this show will lead directly TO Celebrity Rehab for a couple of them. Or maybe even for Tom Bergeron.

And just under the buzzer for Friday Question Time: There was a Yankee game on where I was eating tonight, and they mentioned Sunday was Calculator Day - everyone under 14 gets a free calculator decked out in Yankee stripes. Monday's game is apparently Hand Sanitizer Keychain Day - yes, they're actually calling it that because yes, that's what the first 18,000 guests get. I understand why they do giveaways, but really - hand sanitizer keychains? What's the most bizarre promotional giveaway you've seen at a game?

Verifier: DOXAN. the hand sanitizer that might be in those keychains.

cshel said...

I'm surprised that you're so surprised, Ken. Despite the name, the "stars" have always been pretty D or E list, even if some were higher at one time in their past. I usually just watch the first show to see what the deal is with everyone. I can't take any more of it than that. Even the host and judges are really annoying.

rockfish said...

Your version sounded like a real hilarious SCTV skit. Maybe MAD-TV would have done Dancing with the Dead Stars, featuring Charlton Heston, Leona Helmsley, and Liberace.

Lionheart said...

And just who are the big stars you think will commit to several weeks of daily dancing practice? The show has always been D-List. They could call it Dancing with the "D's" I guess but ...

SkippyMom said...

I have to agree with Matt on this. J.D. Martinez is an Iraqi war vet and although DWTS is a goofy show I am glad they picked him. I am not for the war, but his being on the show may make people remember we are still IN a war?

The rest of the contestants are dreck. George Clooney's ex-girlfriend? Really? And Chas Bono? I realize he is an advocate for LBGT, but other than that, why? Who's up next - the president of the NRA? puhleese

Unfortunately my family loves this show, so I am forced to endure. Sigh.

Matt Patton said...

rockfish: I remember that in their early days (before NBC), SCTV did a great sketch called "Shooting At The Stars:" D-List celebrities who answered questions incorrectly got blasted by contestants yielding guns loaded with live ammunition. I'd watch that . . .

Matt Patton said...

"weilding guns with live ammunition." Sheesh--I did graduate from 5th grade . . .

Anonymous said...

I don't think Michael Vick really needs to resurrect his career. He just signed his second 100 million dollar contract, becoming the only player in football history to have two. Personal opinions aside, I'm just saying he isn't a D lister trying to get his career back.

Naz said...

Did you forget Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills? No star power there either. It's more of a Dancing with the Celebrity.

(I must admit more often than not I don't know who the "stars" even are.)

Johnny Walker said...

This post makes me feel bad for David Arquette and Ricki Lake. There you go!

HogsAteMySister said...

Being in New Zealand sometimes has its advantages. We don't get this blockbuster huge epic best seller crappola show. Yay. But I do nominate Cher for Mother of the Year. What a nurturing, stable upbringing she provided to her child.

Matt Patton said...

Phillip B: The fourth stop on the role for 60's-70's minor celebs was The Match Game -- one of the reasons that the only thing I watched in the afternoon was the Old Movie on the local independent station.

Anonymous said...

Ok, how about this, each week Dancing with The Stars is on, you post an episode of Almost Perfect? I for one was a HUGE fan, and dying for this to come on DVD..Please post more episodes!!

Lionel LaCorbiere said...

Just stumbled on the blog post and I just had to compliment you on the hilarious delivery. Too funny!