Tuesday, December 06, 2011
The latest inane reality show: EXCUSED
This is a syndicated show owned by CBS. In Los Angeles it airs on CBS’s second channel at 12:30 in the morning. So how good can this show be when it can’t get a decent time slot on a station that the show’s production company OWNS?
EXCUSED is yet another dating show combining elements from all the other dating shows. Potential partners are eliminated, there are bizarre arbitrary rules, it takes place in a mansion, and everyone is so shallow Kellie Pickler is a Mensa president compared to them.
And if you think that’s confusing on paper, imagine hearing those rules in the middle of the night when the show airs. I’m sure people are saying, “Why did they take the Juiceman off? Where’s the Juiceman. He puts fruit in the juicer, hits one switch – smoothies! That I get!”
The show is hosted by willowy Iliza Shlesinger, a one-time winner of LAST COMIC STANDING. Throughout the show she takes shots at all of the contestants’ physical imperfections. I guess she’s unaware that she herself talks out of the side of her mouth. So it’s Popeye with a nice wig making fun of peoples’ appearance. That said, she did get off a couple of funny lines. And not to over-praise, but I never wanted to slap her like I do Chelsea Handler.
In the episode that I saw the two guys were Ozy and Jamal. When asked what they were looking for in a perfect mate one said, “A booty”, and the other said, “Intelligence and a booty.”
The girls started coming to the door. One was admitted in because she had “Beyonce hips”, another because of her teeth. Why the National Organization of Women doesn’t burn down this mansion I’ll never know.
Four are selected and then record thumbnail introductions of themselves courtesy of Jazzed.com (a sponsor). One said, “I’m getting my PHD in international business and management” and Jamal responded by saying, “I detect a little bit of hood in her.” One girl was from Jamaica. Jamal said, “She ain’t no real Jamaican. She only got one job.” Why isn’t the Jamaican Consul burning down this mansion?
Needless to say the PHD candidate and Jamaican were the two of the four that were “excused”.
Then came a commercial for Jazzed.com, a mating site. EXCUSED host Iliza does the spot, which ends with “you could get some action.” Class-y.
The two couples go out for drinks and mindless chatter. One of the girls reveals she’s really horny. By the way, at no time are we the audience told what, if anything, these people ultimately win. Is it just a date? I would hope there is more. These women were practically offering blowjobs. I’d hate to think their ultimate reward was giving one.
Back at the mansion (which I’m surprised the ACLU hasn’t torched), the two guys eliminate one of the girls. Now the big twist. She’ll go out on romantic dates with each of the dudes and then SHE gets to “excuse” one.
Yvonne was the final girl. Now let’s see what she does to determine which of these guys is her eternal soul mate. With one she makes him take off his shirt and pour hot wax on his chest. That’s not exactly what Russian novelists are your favorites? And with the other she made him spank her then she spanked him. Based on this data she was able to make an informed decision.
She dumped Jamal (the wax must’ve been lax), and then there’s that moment of excruciating suspense when Yvonne walks outside, and much to her (and our) extreme relief, Ozy was there. Ready to collect that hummer.
Cue the closing credits where we see a quick montage of Iliza just trashing one front door hopeful after another. But they never show the contestants. So none of the jokes landed. Uh, Comedy 101 – we have to SEE who is being made fun of. I’m amazed the Friar’s Club hasn’t burned this mansion to the ground.
EXCUSED. Check your local listings. Chances are it’s the lead-in to the ShamWow informercial.