Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The latest inane reality show: EXCUSED

One of the reasons for this blog, perhaps THE reason for this blog – is to make you aware of the most ridiculous mind-numbing reality shows on the air. Today, allow me to present EXCUSED.

This is a syndicated show owned by CBS. In Los Angeles it airs on CBS’s second channel at 12:30 in the morning. So how good can this show be when it can’t get a decent time slot on a station that the show’s production company OWNS?

EXCUSED is yet another dating show combining elements from all the other dating shows. Potential partners are eliminated, there are bizarre arbitrary rules, it takes place in a mansion, and everyone is so shallow Kellie Pickler is a Mensa president compared to them.

Here are the rules. Two guys (or girls if the episode starts out that way) get to pick from a bunch of girls that come to the front door. The dudes watch them on a surveillance camera. Four of the girls are let into the house.  The others are "excused".  Then the guys watch one-minute personality profiles. Based on that they eliminate two more. Then the two guys take the two remaining girls out for drinks and one more is eliminated. Now that tables are turned. The girl goes out on romantic dates with each of the guys and she eliminates one. Still with me? Wait. After she picks the guy she goes outside and he might not be there. He might “excuse” her after all. I know. What the fuck?! Huh?! Say what?!

And if you think that’s confusing on paper, imagine hearing those rules in the middle of the night when the show airs. I’m sure people are saying, “Why did they take the Juiceman off? Where’s the Juiceman. He puts fruit in the juicer, hits one switch – smoothies! That I get!”

The show is hosted by willowy Iliza Shlesinger, a one-time winner of LAST COMIC STANDING. Throughout the show she takes shots at all of the contestants’ physical imperfections. I guess she’s unaware that she herself talks out of the side of her mouth. So it’s Popeye with a nice wig making fun of peoples’ appearance. That said, she did get off a couple of funny lines. And not to over-praise, but I never wanted to slap her like I do Chelsea Handler.

In the episode that I saw the two guys were Ozy and Jamal. When asked what they were looking for in a perfect mate one said, “A booty”, and the other said, “Intelligence and a booty.”

The girls started coming to the door. One was admitted in because she had “Beyonce hips”, another because of her teeth. Why the National Organization of Women doesn’t burn down this mansion I’ll never know.

Four are selected and then record thumbnail introductions of themselves courtesy of Jazzed.com (a sponsor). One said, “I’m getting my PHD in international business and management” and Jamal responded by saying, “I detect a little bit of hood in her.” One girl was from Jamaica. Jamal said, “She ain’t no real Jamaican. She only got one job.” Why isn’t the Jamaican Consul burning down this mansion?

Needless to say the PHD candidate and Jamaican were the two of the four that were “excused”.

Then came a commercial for Jazzed.com, a mating site. EXCUSED host Iliza does the spot, which ends with “you could get some action.” Class-y.

The two couples go out for drinks and mindless chatter. One of the girls reveals she’s really horny. By the way, at no time are we the audience told what, if anything, these people ultimately win. Is it just a date? I would hope there is more. These women were practically offering blowjobs. I’d hate to think their ultimate reward was giving one.

Back at the mansion (which I’m surprised the ACLU hasn’t torched), the two guys eliminate one of the girls. Now the big twist. She’ll go out on romantic dates with each of the dudes and then SHE gets to “excuse” one.

Yvonne was the final girl. Now let’s see what she does to determine which of these guys is her eternal soul mate. With one she makes him take off his shirt and pour hot wax on his chest. That’s not exactly what Russian novelists are your favorites? And with the other she made him spank her then she spanked him. Based on this data she was able to make an informed decision.

She dumped Jamal (the wax must’ve been lax), and then there’s that moment of excruciating suspense when Yvonne walks outside, and much to her (and our) extreme relief, Ozy was there. Ready to collect that hummer.

Cue the closing credits where we see a quick montage of Iliza just trashing one front door hopeful after another. But they never show the contestants. So none of the jokes landed. Uh, Comedy 101 – we have to SEE who is being made fun of. I’m amazed the Friar’s Club hasn’t burned this mansion to the ground.

EXCUSED. Check your local listings. Chances are it’s the lead-in to the ShamWow informercial.

25 comments:

Pat Reeder said...

I hate reality shows, and someone would have to kidnap my cockatoo to force me to watch this dreck. But I sort of like Iliza Shlesinger, who is from around here (Dallas), and whom I thought was good on "Last Comic Standing" (certainly better than the current Chelsea-Lisa-Whitney-chicks-trying-to-sound-like-frat-boys-by-doing-raunchy-sex-and-drug-jokes school of female stand-up). I could tell on that show that she had a limited amount of material: she started out very strong and ended up in later episodes doing trite jokes and bantering with the audience. But if she'd hook up with some good writers, maybe she could get a Thursday night sitcom on NBC that's worth watching.

Pat Reeder said...

I don't have anything more to add, but I had to put another note on here just because the verification word that popped up was "palin." You don't waste a thing like that, you betcha.

Holly said...

You seem to be ribbing the contestants a little for not taking things like intelligence or personality into consideration... But in "reality", they don't need to, they have already weeded out all of the intelligent and interesting girls because none of them would go on such a stupid show. So the guys in this case are being efficient by not wasting their time looking for those girls. And any girl that is going for her Ph.D. and also going on this reality show is either a liar or a nutcase.

ManhattanHillbilly said...

You really need to invest in some Ambien, Ken.

Jonathan Zero said...

For some damn reason I want to watch this after reading your commentary. But not if it comes on opposite the Juiceman or the Pocket Fisherman

The Milner Coupe said...

Women's lib really was just about the money wasn't it?

Your industry is weird. You get fired for saying the word 'fag' at a private function, but they will televise a woman getting spanked and ridiculed.

I'd stick to baseball.


WV: eatermen No really, I swear.

MikeBo said...

Newton Minow was right!

Richard Y said...

For the most part I would agree. But I keep coming back.....hoping for that great one and there have been a few. But with 100's of channels and hours that cable/networks have to fill with 'stuff' it is no wonder that shows like this pop up.

Mac said...

That's where I've been going wrong. I always wait until the second date before I suggest spanking and hot wax. It's tough being a traditionalist.

Blair Ivey said...

Somewhere H.L. Mencken is smiling.

Sebastian said...

Well obviously this whole sheband is scripted. And made for people who are too dumb to understand that, who believe it's real.

I'm sticking with made up shit I know is made up and not dumb.

We call taht "Drama".

Arnea said...

Ken, you know whose door they'll knocking on if that house ever burns down? Just saying...

Ricardo said...

From the post's first image I thought that you were writing a review about a porno.

Best regards,

SkippyMom said...

And here I thought the stupidest reality show coming to the airwaves was "Moonshiners" based in the Commonwealth of Virginia [yes, I actually live here. sigh] But, now I think it could possibly be dethroned.

Wow - TV just keeps getting worse. And we have to pay to have it!

Frank said...

When Jamal asked for "Intelligence and a booty" I got turned off as it sounds way to highbrow for me.

Jan said...

As a previous commenter said, I kinda' want to watch it now, too.

And Ken, while some might think it's a minor difference, it is actually quite significant that NOW is The National Organization FOR Women. (not OF women)

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

These shows are just a clever plot to bring the American populace to such a simmering rage that murder becomes legalized, and then the reality shows REALLY kick into high gear. And if they only kill reality show contestants, I'm all for it.

Anonymous said...

Hysterically, I just found out (before reading this) that my cousin will be on the show this week. She's an actress. So I'm sure it's really "real" (lol). She asked us not to tell her folks!

Cap'n Bob said...

I listened to a couple of these while at my computer and you nailed it, Ken. It writes a whole new definition for "purile."

Jake Mabe said...

This makes me weep for humanity.

Reality Editor said...

As a long time reader of this blog, and someone who works on Excused, I was quite surprised and pleased in a weird way to see this entry. Yes, the show is all those things you wrote about, but we like to think of it more as a comedy show than a dating show. As far as the jokes at the end, the lawyers usually don't let us show some of the people, so all we are left with is Iliza's line.

And, no, the show is not scripted. We shape the moments that happen, but no one is writing things out for the daters to say. They wouldn't really be capable of "acting" anyway.

The show may have issues, but it is kind of fun to work on and it's nice to have an almost year-long job which is very of unusual in the reality tv world.

Captain Pedant said...

I think you're thinking of the SPLC. While they probably wouldn't torch anything, they're not big on hate speech, whereas the ACLU would defend these dudes' right to be bigoted blowhards.

Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was funny that our mating rituals are an endless source for entertainment. The older I get the more ridiculous younger people looking to date on TV seem to look and act. I watched Rock of Love Bus and wondered, Ew, is he really bedding these skanky chicks? For a while I was hooked on Gay, Straight or Taken? I have Netflix now and can watch classic TV as much as I want thank goodness. Julie

Johnny Boy said...

Interesting that Ken invokes NOW and feminist sensibilities in trashing an easy-target, pathetic show (which, as the comments show, provide some number of folks a living), while off-handedly joking that he wants to slap a woman.

I'm not saying that it's all that out of line to have that reaction to Chelsea Handler, but if you do, and you joke about it, you might not want to put up your nose at some women freely degrading themselves for a little, relatively harmless, fun and attention.

Nick McCracken said...

How about the way she talks out the damn side of her mouth? Doesn't that annoy anyone else? An otherwise attractive chick, but I couldn't handle that...