Tuesday, December 20, 2011

the NFL Pro Hollywood Boot Camp

So all the idiots who beat me out for girls in high school are now trying to take jobs away from me as well. Swell! From Peter King of Sports Illustrated:

"And the league will announce this week the NFL Pro Hollywood Boot Camp in April, designed to help players interested in screenwriting, producing, film financing and the business of motion pictures."

Hey, great! Forget all the advice I ever gave you dear readers on how to break into the business. Play professional football.

“Aaron Rodgers, you just won the Superbowl. Where you going?”

“To Paramount where I have a three picture deal!”

Watch. My agent drops me for Steeler Rashard Mendenhall, who upon learning of Bin Laden's death tweeted this: What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side…

On the other hand, I’d like to be in the room when a network executive gives Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison script notes.

And I must make a note to myself to add a rule at my next Sitcom Room seminar that there is no tackling allowed during rewrite sessions.

(Note to Tim Tebow: You might not want to join the staff of CALIFORNICATION. And thank God we didn’t have Michael Vick on the staff of FRASIER. “Hey, where’s Eddie?”)

I give the NFL credit for trying to help its players find gainful employment after they retire or are declared legally crippled, and who knows? Among the Bengals’ secondary there might be the next Tina Fey. But on a serious note, I say to these players -- beware.

Hollywood is happy to embrace you and your money the same way Vegas casinos do. Screenwriting, producing, and learning how to finance takes TIME. A lot more time than a boot camp will provide. But Hollywood will be happy to fast-track you because of your name and fortune. And if you think Hall-of-Famer Jim Marshall was good at take-aways you should see the entertainment industry.

But if you’re serious, and you really want to pursue a career in show business when you’re concussion-suffering days are done, I’ve got a great screenplay and for only five million dollars we could really make a killing!  And don't feel bad about taking all those cheerleaders away from me.   You're paying the alimony, not me.

30 comments:

Nathan said...

I wouldn't worry. They'll never learn how to pitch a project.

I can't say whether or not it's gonna be a great script, but we're gonna give it 110%

I know it's a tough subject, but we'll work really hard to make sure we don't give offense. We're all about the defense.

I owe all my sports success to the Man Upstairs and I'm counting on him to write me a great script!


(That last one kinda works if he rents in Aaron Sorkin's building.

An said...

It's either that or NFL Pro Space Camp.

Nathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eric said...

At least you can be pretty sure that Hollywood's never going to implement random drug testing.

Nathan said...

Previous comment deleted because editing rendered it incomprehensible. I'll get back to you if it improves.

Rock Golf said...

Can they possibly reach the heights of thespian careers from the WWE? Their last two films opened in a grand total of 8 theaters nationwide.

Dan Tedson said...

The Tom Brady Bunch.

This must be stopped.

Gnasche said...

I don't know, I'm kinda getting into it. In my Fantasy Screenwriting league I just traded Diablo Cody for Terrence Malick. Sure, he may not produce as much during the season, but come Oscars I think he'll put me over the top.

iain said...

The Detmer Brothers could option a script to Pixar & call it "Koy Story." The sequel would be "Ty Story 2."

Charles H. Bryan said...

I was going to mock the idea, but then I realized that it seems that we can't find homegrown Americans to play Batman or Superman, so there may be some merit to this.

Besides, think of all the Hollywood greats who have already come out of the NFL, like Terry Bradshaw. Or Howie Long. Or Michael Strahan. Or maybe some other people who work for Fox Sports.

Was the NFL's biggest show business success actually Fred Dryer?

Mark said...

@Charles H, how about Jim Brown? Or the great OJ? And don't forget Merlin Olsen.

Dan Tedson said...

♪ The OJ Siiiiimpsons... ♪

VP81955 said...

Of course, quarterbacks will demand to play leads (they already get all the damn camera time on TV to begin with).

Hey, this may be as close as Los Angeles gets to the NFL, unless the new Jaguars' ownership comes to its senses or Dan Snyder finally throws up his hands over Washington fan criticism and moves the Redskins to LA (in which case we in DC will gladly take the Jags as a replacement). You get Snyder cavorting with Tom Cruise at City of Industry (now that Albert's an Angel, Arte will move them downtown in 2017, back to their ancestral city, once the Anaheim lease expires), and I'll just echo what Stuart Symington once said about Oakland after Charlie Finley moved the Athletics there from KC: Luckiest city since Hiroshima.

jcs said...

Ken, I'm surprised you didn't bring up "Paper Lion" and Alex Karras.

cadavra said...

Hey, don't make fun of Fred Dryer. How many other major appliances have stats like his?

Cap'n Bob said...

Sounds like a natural. You can tell from all the thoughtful, erudite post-game interviews that these gentlemen are masters of the English language. No question about it.

Frank said...

I bet the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders could cum up with a sensational screen play!

Loosehead said...

Work? After a career in the NFL?

I'm sorry, you lost me...

culasm: words fail me.

Anonymous said...

Mr Levine, It appears that you are a jealous hearted comedy writer that should be writing tragedy. All athletes are not dumb. stop being a professional player hater.

Anonymous said...

Mr Levine, It appears that you are a jealous hearted comedy writer that should be writing tragedy. All athletes are not dumb. stop being a professional player hater.

sephim said...

Whatever, "Anonymous", we know it's you... Dan Marino.

Anonymous said...

Well done, Anonymous, you've revealed the only thing you need to be successful in Hollywood; "Not dumb". Right.

Dean Minderman said...

If we're talking football players turned actors, let's not forget Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, who was in the feature film version of MASH, did a bunch of blaxploitation movies in the 1970s that apparently made money for someone, and still turns up in the occasional B-movie/direct-to-DVD action or horror flick...

Cap'n Bob said...

There were a number of ex-athletes who made the transition to acting successfully. Did anyone mention Mike Ditka? However, the blog was about them becoming comedy writers. Jim Bouton's BALL FOUR was pretty funny, but it was a book and not a TV or movie script. Any others?

Paul Duca said...

Cap'n Bob...BALL FOUR did become a short-lived TV series in 1976, with Bouton himself starring.

Paul Duca said...

It would certainly reverse the typical pattern--Tom Brady earns fame, money, and a hot babe...THEN comes to Hollywood.

WV: tsess--film version of the Tshomas Hardy novel "Tsess of the D'Surbervilles"

Steve Zeoli said...

Some possible projects:

For James Harrison: "Eight Suspensions is Enough"

For Tim Tebow: "Tim of Arcadia"

For Plexico Burress: "Just Shoot Myself"

For Sam Hurd: "Traffic 2"

For Michael Vick: "Chomp: The Revenge of Cujo"

Roy Perkins, impartial dogcatcher said...

If we are going to list football players turned actors, I must mention Mike Henry, who retains a spot in my heart because he was my first Tarzan--and who deserves a footnote in film history to be the only person to quit that role (after having been savaged by a chimpanzee) rather than to be fired because he had become too old for it.

Word verification: adddr. A venmmms snkkk.

VP81955 said...

IIRC, there was a pitcher in the '80s who played for the Phillies and Yankees, among other teams, who fancied himself a scriptwriter and apparently actually wrote a few (though I don't know if any of his were sold, much less made into films). I think it may have been Shane Rawley, but I could be wrong.

RS Gray said...

That's outrageous! That'd be like a sitcom writer thinking he could break into sports broadcasting! An NFL player breaking into screenwriting is as outlandish as a guy tape recording himself at Dodgers games and suddenly he's announcing Mariners games! It'll never happen! People should find one career and stick to it, period!