The rain, the park, and other things

This is part two of my recent travelogue.  Part one is here.  And more photos are here.

Rendezvoused with my son Matt in Chicago. The first night we went for steak at Gibson’s on Rush Street in what locals call “the Viagra Triangle.” Had the two-artery special. These folks know how to cook cows.

Stayed at the Westin hotel known for it’s great urinals. In fact, a longtime big league announcer bought one for his home and had the hotel measure its exact height from the ground. That must’ve been an interesting “How can I help you?” call.

But we sure picked the right weekend to stay at the Westin because it was the site of the annual Arthur Murray Dance-o-Rama! Everyone dressed in costume. It was like the seniors’ version of Comic-com. A guy in full cowboy regalia with spurs stepped onto the elevator with me. And I don’t know where that Latin dance team from Omaha got their Gaucho get-ups but I’m guessing the Zorro gift shop at Disneyland.

Hawked my book on the WGN-9 Mid-Day News. The station is God knows where. Certainly the cab driver didn’t have a clue. Drove by Wrigley Field and I think Wisconsin. Following my segment Jane Seymour hawked her art. I know Jane; directed her in DHARMA & GREG. She’s one of the sweetest Medicine Women on the planet. She hugged me and better yet, gave me a ride back to the hotel. How many people can say they hobnobbed with Jane Seymour and Jesus Montero in the same day?

Drove by the new Soldier Field. The original façade with the distinctive Doric columns are still in place. But the seating bowl is now a modern state-of-the-art saucer design. So the home of the Chicago Bears now combines the very compatible styles of Greco-Roman architecture with BATTLESTAR GALACTICA..

Played a three-game weekend series with the White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field on the South Side of Chicago. First night there was a shooting on the South Side in an area called “Terror Town” and eight people were whacked. And here’s how rough that neighborhood is -- the Sox won!

The ballpark is in a residential area, mostly large apartment buildings and senior housing. The P.A. announcer asks fans to be considerate and not make excessive noise when leaving the park. Use silencers. Then they shoot off fireworks whenever a White Sox player hits a home run even if it’s1:00 in the morning.

On Saturday Matt and I grabbed a Gino’s pizza then waddled down to Millennium Park. Highlight was this giant mirrored sphere shaped liked a kidney bean called Cloud Gate. Distorted reflections of the city gave the skyline a fun house effect, but it made me look thinner! The Cloud Gate is a marvel of engineering although not nearly as wondrous as the latrines at the Westin.

Sunday was a 1:00 game with a one-hour flight to Minneapolis to follow. Estimated time of arrival: 6:00. My son had a 7:00 PM four-hour flight back to San Jose. He arrived at his destination before we landed at ours. Our game included four hours of rain delays, a loss, and on the way to the airport our equipment truck hit a fire hydrant and broke an axle.

It was raining so hard at the time that if the hydrant burst and water spewed fifty feet into the air, no one would know. Fortunately, our spectacular equipment manager, Ted Walsh, managed to somehow commandeer the Milwaukee Brewers’ truck (that’s like calling around on a Sunday night hoping to find the Hope Diamond or a plumber) and we were able to take off with all our bats and Ben-Gay in tow. But that was after another ninety-minute delay. By the time I got in my room it was 11:30.

The original plan was to share a Bludgeon of Beef from Manny’s Steakhouse with our producer/engineer Kevin Cremin, but we decided perhaps 78 ounces of cow attached to a dinosaur bone at midnight was probably not the best thing to do without writing a suicide note.

Stayed again at the W Hotel in the Foshay Tower in Minneapolis. With the mood lighting and pink and purple fluorescents, the lobby looked like Christian Grey’s Room of Pain.

Made another TV book appearance – this time on KSTP’s “Twin-Cities Live” program, which was broadcasting from the Minnesota State Fair. For sheer Americana, goofiness, and deep-fried everything you just can’t beat a State Fair and Minnesota has one of the best.

I guess walking around a dusty fairgrounds stopping by the Miracle of Birth Center, seeing the Dairy Queens’ busts carved in butter, going on the tractor ride, watching the hog calling contest, shearing sheep, and observing pet surgery performed by members of the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association can make you hungry for tongue tacos, bacon ice cream, spaghetti on a stick, gators on a stick, cheese curds, a “Yosemite SAMwich”, camel sliders, all-you-can-drink milk, and that one can’t-miss item – lamb fries (which are really testicles). For me, there’s not enough all-you-can-drink milk that could wash down that savory.

The Minnesota State University football coach was arrested on child pornography charges. Seems he took videos of his 9, 8 and 5-year old children dancing nude and had them on his school-issued cellphone. His wife has defended him. Her quote: “My family does what every family does.” Really? Every family? I don’t think so. Even Woody Allen waited until Soon-yi was of proper age.

Target Field, home of the Minnesota Twins, is an absolute showpiece. The limestone, steel, and glass design is unique and elegant. And we happened to be there the four days all season they didn’t need a roof. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was on hand to announce that Minnesota will host the 2014 All-Star Game. The last time the Twins had an All-Star game was 1985, the year Selig bought that suit he was wearing.

The Mariners won three-of-four and we flew back to Seattle. Landed in time to race over to CenturyLink Field and catch the second half of the crucial pre-season NFL game between the Seakhawks and Oakland Raiders. It was the world’s largest outdoor frat party or political convention. 50,000 crazed pickled fans then staggered out onto the street. I’m guessing 32,000 accidents before they even got out of the parking structures.

The next morning I flew back to Los Angeles, but not before seeing a very suspicious character at Sea-Tac Airport. Middle-Eastern, swarthy, dark beard, turban – all the signs of a terrorist. He was the TSA agent.

Thanks to the Mariners, KIRO, WGN-TV, KSTP-TV, and Jane Seymour for a great trip. Oh, and the Milwaukee Brewers. Without your truck we’d probably still be on the tarmac.

Note:  Again, I invite you to check out my book of travelogues -- WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED.  Kindle version is a paltry $3.99.  See the world through really distorted glasses.