Monday, January 11, 2016
The Golden Globes: My snarky (because they were terrible) review
And all you need to know about how elegant the Golden Globes are is that Ricky Gervais hosted.
In case you missed it, and 90% of you did, it was a tasteless self-congratulatory charade where 57 waiters (who are the prestigious members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) hand out meaningless awards to drunk celebrities. It’s the senior prom you were never invited to where they made fun of you during picture taking.
Golden Globes can be bought. (Denzel even admitted that while accepting their Lifetime Achievement Award.) Golden Globes usually go to anyone with a foreign name or accent. Winners included: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Gail Garcia Bernal, and Ennio Morricone (who beat out Alexandre Desplat, Ryuichi Sakamoto, and Alva Noto). Seriously, more people vote at the Krispy Kreme shareholders meeting.
Winner Brie Larson said in her acceptance speech that she spent time “getting to know” members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I guess that means she dines frequently at Toscana. (Although, in her case, she deserved the award even if she didn’t over-tip.)
Toxic funnyboots Gervais began the evening with a beer on the podium and did a Sean Penn joke within the first five seconds. The next easy target was Caitlin Jenner, then of course Donald Trump (his Bill Cosby jab would come later in the evening). What, no time for Isis? These clams were followed by delightful handjob jokes, testicle jokes, and finally – how he uses a Golden Globe to shove up his ass. Class-eeee. This is the glamorous affair that people spend three days to dress up for? Women wear $100,000 gowns to listen to scrotum jokes?
Since this was an NBC broadcast Matt Lauer once again got stuck hosting the Red Carpet show. He could not have looked more uncomfortable. This is the equivalent of working at McDonalds and being assigned to clean the grease trap.
The first Bill Cosby joke was actually delivered by Andy Samberg. Somehow he tied it into Rob Lowe, and they cut to Lowe who was absolutely appalled. His horrified expression was the biggest laugh of the night.
The only time I laughed at something I was supposed to was when presenters Eva Longoria and America Ferrera messed up each other’s names (The Foreign Press mixed up Ferrera with Gina Rodriquez at the nominations announcement).
Of course anything really funny was bleeped out, and that happened at least thirty times. Again, you folks who pay to see these movies and TV shows – you’re not invited.
The categories themselves are a confusing mess. “Best Actress in a Mini-series, comedy, long-form musical, or Lyrica commercial.”
Mel fucking Gibson made an appearance. I’m only sorry he wasn’t the presenter when the Holocaust movie won.
Lady Gaga became Norma Desmond during her acceptance speech. “You help me explore my creativity in ways I never could.” Standing in a room with Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren, Viola Davis, Brie Larson, and Jane Fonda, Lady Gaga really believes she’s a great actress. At least she wasn’t wearing meat.
Terrence Howard and Taraji P. Henson gave an award to MOZART IN THE JUNGLE and neither knew how to pronounce “Mozart.”
Winners had to wind their way through the banquet hall to get to the stage. That way they could personally thank the Hollywood Foreign Press as they were busing the tables. Best moment was actress extraordinaire, Lady Gaga brushing by Leo DiCaprio and seeing him smirk and roll his eyes.
How smashed was Denzel during his acceptance speech? It’s like he was re-enacting the last half hour of FLIGHT.
And Rachel Bloom must’ve been drinking rum and Jolt cola. She was the Tasmanian Devil wrapped in a shower curtain.
In the Best Animated Film category weren’t you hoping the announcer would say, “Accepting the award for INSIDE OUT is Anger.”
Do you think Lily Tomlin was upset when Jane Fonda lost?
Do you think Jane Fonda was upset when Lily Tomlin lost – twice?
The set looked like Elvis’ indoor firing range.
Jeffrey Tambor lost. Transgenders are out. They’re “so last year.” This year it’s “be kind to indigenous tribes.” Next year: “Protect the Ewoks.”
They should start the cutoff music the minute the winner is announced.
Why do they have a Best Foreign Film category? This is the Foreign Press. Aren’t all American movies foreign?
Is there a more frightening sentence in the English language than, “Accepting the award: Quentin Tarantino.”
Congratulations to all the winners. For those who won for obscure shows (anything on streaming platforms, niche cable outlets, and NBC) I hope your Golden Globe will give you more visibility. I’m sure a lot of people are saying, “I guess I should see THE REVENANT. What’s it about?” And then when they find out they’ll say, “Oh. Pass.”
Next year if Ricky Gervais is hosting I’m not even going to bother. Or if Kellie Pickler beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in a Drama.