It all started with the Oscars

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE had just beaten SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for film of the year. Steven Spielberg, who had already won Oscars for SCHINDLER’S LIST in every category except Best Animated Short was really pissed. And this was mere moments after he won another Oscar for directing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (which was very well deserved, by the way). I thought it was a little ungracious. So I decided to write a humorous review of the ceremony, poke a bit of fun at Hollywood royalty, and email it to the hundred or so people in my address list.

The response was so positive that I did it again the following year. By then my list had grown to at least 104. I added the Emmys (talk about an easy target) and also goofy travelogues (I was getting tired of writing the same travel report ten times to ten friends).

Once I compiled enough of these I investigated getting them all published as a book. The idea was met with zero interest. But one kindly editor said, “These are very funny and if Dave Barry had written them I’d publish them tomorrow. But no one knows who the fuck you are.”

So how do I become more well-known? First thought was a publicist until I saw what they charged. Yikes! I wanted a little higher visibility; I didn’t want to be Tatiana so paying big money to get my name in the Long Beach Telegram a few times a year didn’t make sense. Nor did killing anybody or lying about my age and going on REAL WORLD.

Then my friend Howard suggested writing a blog. (This is beginning to sound like one of those old cigarette commercials. Then my priest said, “Hey, have you tried Viceroys?”)

A blog wouldn’t cost anything save for time. Who knows? It could lead to a big book deal, major speaking engagements, or taking over for Carson Daly (if not me than ANYBODY). Well, none of those things happened but the blog has been great fun to do. And it has gained some popularity – thanks in part to my annual Oscar review.

So tonight again I shall review the Academy Awards. I try to post them as soon as possible so if someone else has a similar observation it’s clear I didn’t steal it from him (he probably stole it from me). Unfortunately, here in Hawaii they are tape delayed. God forbid a tourist misses one precious hour of deadly sun exposure. So expect the review early Monday morning. It’s coming.

Just think, if Steven Spielberg had only clapped when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE won none of this would have happened.

Nobody photoshops Danica Patrick and gets away with it!

Okay, it’s one thing if you want to photoshop in some breasts for Keira Knightley for a stupid movie poster...
but now comes word that Sports Illustrated has photocopied out Danica Patrick’s tattoo for their swimsuit issue photo shoot. Thank God! I think you would have to agree that with that tattoo she no longer looks attractive at all. SI claims they did that because their swimsuit issue celebrates “natural” beauty. As such they do allow the models to keep their freckles.

Seems to me if they really want to celebrate natural beauty they’d airbrush out the swimsuits. I’m just sayin’.

Why wasn't BECKER a bigger hit?

So for a delightful change, I'm answering a Friday question on Friday.

Monsterbeard asks:

I was looking at the credits for Becker the other day, which is full of some really talented sitcom writers, including yourself. Yet, despite all the pedigree, the show wasn't exactly a huge hit. Do you think it failed? And do you know why it wasn't as big of a hit as the writing credits would suggest?

Well, it did run for 129 episodes and is in syndication so it did a whole lot better than any of my shows. But BECKER should have been a bigger hit. The problem was that CBS, for whatever reason, never believed in the show. I don’t know why. Maybe it wasn’t sexy enough for them. But then why make it and order it in the first place?

BECKER always outperformed the network’s expectations. It did wildly better than a host of darlings that CBS put in that time slot (Monday 9:30). Then the network moved it, put it in an impossible slot to win and it still surprised everyone with its numbers. The reward for that? Cancellation. And the irony of course – CBS would KILL for BECKER’s numbers today.

Happily, once the show got into syndication people seemed to discover it. It’s hard to believe but a highly-rated show on CBS for five years was considered a best-kept secret. I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and say, “Hey, I saw your name on this new show, BECKER. It’s really good.” NEW show??

Dave Hackel, the show’s creator, put together a tremendous staff of writers and directors. Matthew Weiner of MAD MEN for one. Andy Ackerman (director of SEINFELD) for another. And although you might not be as familiar with their names, here are a few of the other terrific BECKER writers who I would hire in a second: Ian Gurvitz, Michael Markowitz, Russ Woody, Steve Peterman, Gary Donzig, Kate Angelo, Liz Astrof, Bobby Gaylor, Dana Borkow Klein, Matt Ember, Anne Flett-Giordano, and Chuck Ranberg.

But the show must finally be catching on. Ted Danson says more people now stop him in an airport and mention BECKER than CHEERS.

If you’re up some morning at 2 channel surfing, check it out. It’s a damn good show.

What's your question?

AMERRRRICAAAAAN IDDDDDDOLLLLLL

Who says that AMERICAN IDOL stretched twelve one-minute performances into two endless hours? They NEEDED all that time just as I need all this space to review it.

But before we get to the contestants, I have to ask my co-reviewer/daughter, Annie, “What advice would you give the performers?”

“I really think they have to perform their best and sing well. And look good. And be pretty. Back to you, Dad.”

Thanks, Annie. And now my dog, Rex. It’s a big night for these kids, Rex. What should they keep in the back of their mind?

“Woof, woof woof, woof. Woof woof, woooooof woof wooooof.”

Good advice. And it gives the performers something to think about that never would have occurred to them.

Now the rules, and pay attention because they’re a little different this year. Every week for three weeks we’ll take nine hours to select the best three and then have a wild card show to select four more then have a sing-off with them and the La Mirada Dinner Theatre production of RENT. Then it'll be June and we can begin narrowing down the Top 10.

We’ll get to the actual performances right after this break.
This Monday will be my annual Oscar review right here on this blog.

Welcome back. The theme this week is any song from any era that ever charted on Billboard. In other words, the kids are restricted to every song ever made.

Jackie Tohn, who dressed like Minnie Mouse in leather, sang the only Elvis song people don’t know is an Elvis song. But she has great personality and should be a finalist. Then America met her parents, realized she's Jewish, and that cost her every vote from the south.

After the break, Ricky Braddy.

Starting February 25th I’ll be hosting Dodger Talk again every night on 790 KABC, home of McIntyre in the Morning and airwatch traffic with Captain Jorge to get you to work on time.

Ricky Braddy did a lovely version of Leon Russell’s “A Song for You”. But I still have no idea who he is. Neither does anybody else because the number to call to vote for him is 1-800-IDOLS-0?

But he too has lovely parents. They wore cute matching “Braddy Bunch” T-shirts and Ryan interviewed them for seven minutes. If you’d like to vote for them the number is 1-800-MOMDAD-2.

Alexis Grace was next. Her father had long hair. This is significant because he got more face time on Fox than Obama during his inauguration. Paula said to Alexis, “you have something so large inside you”. It was Paula’s first veiled penis reference of the night.

More in a moment but first, Ted Danson and Neil Patrick Harris were in the audience. Ted played Sam Malone on CHEERS and Becker on BECKER. Neil played Doogie Howser on DOOGIE HOWSER and currently plays Barney on HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Ted also appears in DAMAGES on FX. Not that I’m padding.

Brent Keith followed. After a screw up where they started running Stevie Wright’s video he sang “Hicktown” where he’ll be returning to. Now this break:

Every Friday I answer readers’ question on my blog. What’s yours?

Stevie Wright said her biggest influence was the Jonas Brothers so it’s no surprise she sang 19 year old songwriter extraordinaire, Taylor Swift. She was awful. We’ll never see her again. Stephen Wright has more charisma.

Anoop Desai sang “Angel of Mine” and was then taken into custody. Police question whether it was really him singing. (Note: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE reference. If you didn’t get this joke you will be lost Oscar night.)

Casey Carlson is cute but not cute enough to overcome her hideous rendition of Sting. I thought these people got weeded out. What the hell was Hollywood Week for anyway?

Michael Sarver – Best performance of the night from an oil rig worker. I see petroleum in his future.

Ann Marie Boskovich is next… after the break.

My book, IT’S GONE, NO WAIT A MINUTE!” is still available on Amazon for one cent. Get it now. Don’t wait for the price to go down.

Ann Marie Boskovich was the 247th contestant to sing “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”. She came in 200th.

Stephen Fowler killed “Rock With You”. Jackie Tohn’s parents could have done it better.

Tatiana Del Toro – The Devil’s Daughter. Kills us to say it, but she was infuriatingly good.

And finally, Danny Gokey. Great singer, immensely likable, widower. He’s a shoo-in for the top five as long as he doesn’t sing Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey” .

That’s our post for tonight. Remember my Oscar review on Monday. Woof woof.

Levines…out.

I won't be reviewing the next few weeks because, well, who can devote the time?

Are you taking a meeting? READ THIS POST!!!

This is a short one but maybe the most valuable advice I have given since don't park in Jeff Zucker's space. When you are lucky enough to get a meeting with a producer or story editor or writer or agent or executive… always ALWAYS…

GOOGLE THEM BEFORE THE MEETING!
Now that we have such a thing, it is inexcusable to go into a meeting not knowing exactly who the person is and what he has done. Maybe there are articles where he’s quoted. You get a sense of his viewpoint, his interests. Imdb his credits. The more you know, the better prepared you are, the easier it will be to impress.

And the reverse is true. When someone blunders into a meeting unprepared, since we all know how easy it is to Google someone, right away that person is branded as a dolt – which he is.

And executives and producers?

Same for you.

If you’re meeting a writer or director, imdb him first. I wrote a spec screenplay a few years ago that resulted in a meeting with a young executive. He complimented me on the writing and wondered what I had been doing because this was an amazing first effort. He was a tad embarrassed when I told him I had written one or two things before that.

I’ll leave you with a great Hollywood story (or tall tale). I believe it was Billy Wilder who said it. Late in his illustrious career he took a meeting with a young executive who asked, “What have you done?” Wilder supposedly leaned in to him and said, “You first.”

GOOGLE THEM BEFORE THE MEETING!

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 36

Now begins the fun part of AMERICAN IDOL, when the 36 top contestants sing for America and get rejected by YOU.

Side note: Was there anything more boring than last Wednesday night’s show? Not one but two hours of watching anxious kids walk the grounds of Flava Flav’s mansion or wherever they hell they were to be told yay or nay by Simon and the Three Stooges.

To prepare you for the festivities ahead, my daughter Annie and I will provide all the information you need to go into these next rounds suitably prejudiced.

Before we start, it seems unfair that kids with recording contracts or starring roles in WICKED should be in competition with oil rig hard hat guys. Isn’t the idea to give people a chance who otherwise couldn’t meet Clive Davis if Clive ran them over with his car?

That said, here are some of this year’s candidates.

Adam Lambert – He’s from San Francisco. He’s in the LA production of WICKED, and people were shocked to hear he’s gay. Should do great on Andrew Lloyd Webber night, really bad on red neck country night.

Michael Sarver – Works on an oil rig. Has never heard of WICKED.

Alexis Grace – 21 with a kid. Hey, it worked for Fantasia. Hopes to get a recording contract and afford day care. Does great Celine Dion impression. Is that a good thing?

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.

Danny Gokey – Great singer. Wife died. He would have made it anyway.

Jorge Nunez – Sang in Spanish. Did I miss something? Is this Puerto Rico Idol?

Scott MacIntyre – Blind. That alone should put him in the top 5. As a bonus, he can actually sing!

Jackie Tohn – Didn’t bring down the house in Hollywood but brought down the screen in her New York audition. She says phrases like: “What up with the what-ups?” Gibberish to the rest of the world but Randy Jackson.

Nathaniel Marshall -- 18, mom’s in prison, cries a lot, sports multiple studs, wears headbands, bandanas, can snap his toes. Will either become AMERICAN IDOL or QUEEN FOR A DAY.

Nick Mitchell – Also known as “Norman Gentle”, a flamboyant diva bad lounge act. Always sings in this character. Still more genuine than Tatiana.

Taylor Vaifauna – (pictured above) 16, Polynesian, and of course is from Utah.

Anoop Desai – Slumdog Idol.

Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.

Kristen McNamara – Blonde, can yodel. Better hope there’s yodeling week. Otherwise, no chance.
Jesse Langseth – We have no idea.

Ricky Brady – Same with this guy. Who the hell is he?

Pretty girl/sings pretty well – AnnaMarieBoskovichCaseyCarlsonKendallBeardMeganCorkreyMishavonnaHensonStevieWright

Pretty boy/sings pretty well – AlexWagnerTrugmanBrentKeithKaiKalamaKrisAllenMattGiraudVonSmith

May the least offensive, least derivative, best looking person who sleeps with Paula win.

Hawaii so far

Happy President's Day. Thought I'd share some exotic photos I took with my iPhone. Here's Maui at night. There are so many artists and craftsmen on the island. Here's a jewelry stand featuring the best of local talent.

I forget. This is either a pig for tonight's luau or a glass blower.

A limbo contest. There were six of us taking pictures -- only of this girl.

This is from the Wailea Marriott. Maybe the worst room in Hawaii. It's right on the corridor leading from the lobby to all the rooms and the pool.


Makawao -- a charming cowboy town. It's where you can find western wear and of course, sushi.

The U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team. A lock for the gold.

More nature... the caverns and lagoons on Maui are breathtaking.

And even though this last picture doesn't give you a good sense of Hawaii I thought I'd include it anyway.

How to park your secretary

Many thanks to fellow writer Rob Long for his way-too-kind piece on this blog in his radio commentary, MARTINI SHOTS on NPR’s KCRW in Santa Monica. I’m still blushing. In addition to producing CHEERS when he was like nine, Rob has become one of the top sitcom writers in town (along with his partner, Dan Staley) and has also carved out a nice niche for himself as a pundit and author. His book on television, CONVERSATIONS WITH MY AGENT, is must reading.

In his feature on me he brought up an anecdote I had completely forgotten but was true and worth sharing here. So if I may paraphrase his story paraphrasing me:

Back in 1993 my partner and I had created a summer show for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S. Rob and Dan were our producers. I think Rob was eleven then. We did the show for Paramount (and I can tell this story since no one involved is remotely still associated with the studio. In fact, this was probably four full regimes ago.)

Our line producer informed me that the studio refused to pay our secretary’s parking. The budget for each episode was over a million dollars. Weekly parking was $13. Above-the-line people (writers, directors, producers, actors) got to park on the lot for free. Below-the-line peons had to park in a structure across the street.

And don’t let the Hollywood address fool you. This was not a great neighborhood. I used to call the lot “Fort Paramount”. While working at WINGS on rewrite night we often watched drug deals go down across the street at the parking structure. An ice cream truck would arrive every night about 11 and we would say, “Cracky, the clown is here. Looks like he’s got some great shit tonight for the kiddies!”

So I was pissed. No one works harder and more hours than the writers’ secretary. It’s bad enough they had to park in a war zone. The least the studio could do was pay for their parking. (Note: we also made sure one of us walked them out to their cars, another little safety service the studio felt no obligation to perform).

I called the studio bean counter and raised hell. But it was studio policy. There was nothing he could do. I then asked what would constitute a legitimate production expense? He said research. “You mean like a book?” I said. He said, yes. “Fine,” I continued, “I just bought a book this week. It’s called HOW TO PARK YOUR SECRETARY and it cost thirteen bucks.”

That he approved.

So every week I would call with another essential research book I bought. Titles like THE IN’S AND OUT’S OF BUYING YOUR PA’S PIZZA and Rob’s favorite, A BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR THE WEIRD GUY IN PROPS.

I should mention that none of the other major studios were any different. But that was then. Things have since changed.

Writers now have to park across the street.

What does love mean?

Happy Valentine's Day. It's also my birthday. Like Jack Benny (whose birthday was also February 14th) I'm 39 today. And a young 39 damn it!

To mark this day of amour I thought I'd share my least favorite romantic sequence in any movie. This is from LOVE STORY, the gold standard for over-the-top cringeworthy sentimentality. Keep in mind this film was not just a hit, it was a national sensation.

Our scene opens with Oliver (Ryan O'Neal) searching for Jenny (Ali McGraw)... and searching... and searching... and searching. But hang in there, because the pay off -- both the acting and the writing -- is so worth it.

How to write a romantic movie

Had the chance to see NIGHTS IN RODANTHE. Not the kind of movie I usually watch but I was trapped on a plane and it stars Diane Lane. Based on the few movies of this weepy… excuse me, “romantic” genre I have been bored enough on long flights to see, I have managed to glean the formula. So if you’re about to write one, follow these easy steps to chick flick success.

Start with an attractive couple. He can be in his 50s, she can be in her 40s but only if she looks like she’s in her 30s.

Opening scene – she catches her husband cheating. Big emotional trauma. He begs forgiveness and vows never to screw any of her sisters again. You must cast a handsome but boring actor who can play weak.

She needs time to think.

She goes to a picturesque setting like Tuscany or a charming bed & breakfast by the sea. A few scenes of her shopping for vegetables and arranging flowers in her room. A best friend advises she’s got to loosen up, live a little, and of course she finds that out of the question. Better to window shop for clocks to keep track of your youth slipping away.

She meets a man. Handsome but with baggage. Widower, never married, or wife went nuts and became a Scientologist. Now you write 20 pages of exposition -- she must be artistically inclined, he’s misunderstood, and they’re both mourning a dead relative who meant so much to them. This is the “getting to know you” section. Have them bumping into each other at cafes, him helping her lift firewood, sharing a love for Dinah Washington, laughing over something incredibly lame like her plastic fork breaks.

During this section do not concern yourself with the fact that the audience knows exactly where this is going. Toss in a scene where they argue about something as a mislead but don’t dwell on it because no one’s buying it.

A big cinematic event must now take place. Hurricanes are good. Cossacks if your film has a more historical bent. Danger! Danger! Something brings them together and they kiss. Music swells. You’re halfway home.

Now comes the “happy-in-love” section. Scenes in the sack, natch. But don’t forget the walks along the beach hand in hand as they gaze mooney-eyed at each other.

They must go to the inevitable local festival. Here they dance, they laugh, they eat local delicacies. Whole new worlds are opening up for this crazy couple. She’s having fun for the first time in ages. They go off and kiss in the moonlight. Return to the sack.

Then the post coital glow scene. Still in bed, cuddling, making plans that will never come true because the audience hasn’t cried enough yet.

Here’s where it gets murky. Now you must create some bogus issue to split them up. Something to snap them back into reality. Here’s where kids come in very handy. One goes to the hospital. Mom wasn’t there. Guilt! Guilt! (preferred dialogue: She: “What am I doing? I can’t just run off and do this.” He: “Hey, you’re entitled to your own happiness.”) Other love buzz kills – he has to fly to Peru, her kids want daddy back, he still has feelings for Sarah Palin.

This is followed by the separation sequence. Long solitary walks along the beach (with close ups of the waves crashing of course), wandering through the quaint town, not stopping to watch the village idiot wiggle his ears for money.

Lean heavy on voice overs. They can always exchange letters. No line is too cloying, no thought too overwrought. “When I met you it was like I stepped out of a dream.” “You’ve given me the courage to love.” I’m sure you can find something a little more heavy-handed, but that’s the general idea.

Now it’s time for one of them to die. This chestnut has been a staple since LOVE STORY. The survivor now has at least five scenes of crying, remembering the good times (flashbacks required), moping, not eating or sleeping, and of course Dinah Washington wailing some heart tugging dirge. You might cap this with another voice over – the last letter is always the knockout punch. Lay it on thick here. “I’m counting the hours until we can start our life together”.

There won’t be a dry seat in the house.

But finally time passes, the children and friends rally around, the survivor realizes that he or she became a much better, more understanding, compassionate, enlightened, and sympathetic person as a result of the now-corpse. Her art is better, he sees Sarah Palin for who she is. So let the healing begin. Reprise a song from the festival, a shared moment, the coming of spring. Something to elicit a smile. Once you get to that smile, you’re done. Slap a confusing title like NIGHTS IN RODANTHE (what the hell does that even mean?) on it and you’re ready to see what Diane Lane and Richard Gere have on their plates for the fall.

Now you may think I’m a cynic. I’m not. I love a good romance. Just not one by the numbers. But those are what sells. So get busy. We’re running out of charming little towns. You don’t want to be stuck with Pismo Beach.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Good actors

I’m doing my Friday question post a day early this week because tomorrow I want to do a Valentine’s Day related post (which happens to also be my birthday – thanks in advance for the presents).

Anonymous asks this after Tuesday’s post about Christian Bale:

Who are some of the stars that you have worked with who WEREN'T monsters? The ones filled with grace and dignity? Would love to see that list.

I’ve been incredibly blessed. It’s a long long list. And it’s not complete. I apologize to those other actors I’ve worked with who also deserve to be in this rollcall but whose names have just slipped my mind. I’m too lazy to alphabetize them so here they are in no particular order. My point is that there are many decent actors. There are ways of getting what you want without being a monster. If you're in the industry and have had occasion to work with actors who were menches please share who they are.

Ted Danson
Tom Hanks
Rita Wilson
John Candy
Michael Douglas
Nancy Travis
Alan Alda
Mike Ferrell
Harvey Firestein
Emma Thompson
Harry Connick Jr.
Harry Morgan
Shelley Long
Rhea Perlman
Nick Collasanto
Woody Harrelson
George Wendt
John Ratzenberger
Kirstie Alley
Kelsey Grammer
Steven Webber
Tony Shaloub
Tim Daly
Julie Benz
Crystal Bernard
Amy Yasbech
Adam Arkin
Jane Kaczmarek
Malcolm McDowell
Kurtwood Smith
Kevin Kilner
David Morse
Patrick Breen
Ed Asner
Jennifer Tilly
Wendie Malick
George Segal
David Hyde Pierce
Jon Tenney
Peri Gilpen
Laura Linney
Aaron Eckhart
John Mahoney
Jane Leeves
Patricia Heaton
Ray Romano
Doris Roberts
Peter Boyle
Brad Garrett
Tracey Ullman
Julie Kavner
Dan Castellaneta
Neil Patrick Harris
Yeardly Smith
Nancy Cartwright
Hank Azaria
Harry Shearer
Laura San Giacomo
Chip Zien
James Farentino
David Clennon
Matthew Letscher
John Astin
Katey Sagal
Tony Randall
William Christopher
Jaime Farr
Jane Seymour
Lisa Kudrow
Roz Chao
David Ogden Steirs
Alan Arbus
Loretta Swit
Gary Burghoff
Allison Janney
Paget Brewster
Marcia Wallace
Bob Newhart
John Cleese
Lisa Edelstein
David Spade
David Morse
Enrico Colantoni
Al Franken
Megyn Price
Miquel Ferrer
Kristen Chenowith
Robert Forthworth
Sanaa Latham
James Tolkin
Kat Denning
Jenna Elfman
Hattie Winston
Terry Ferrell
Alex Desert
Shawnee Smith
Beth Armstrong
Thomas Gibson
Willie Garsons
William Ragsdale
Sean O’Bryan
Mark Feuerstein
Bess Meyer
Nathan Lane
Joan Plowright
Joel Murray
Jack Coleman
Brenda Vaccarro
Tea Leoni
Gilbert Godfried
Mimi Kennedy
Alan Rachins
Susan Sullivan
Bob Elliott
Steve Landesburg
Victoria Jackson
Jon Lovitz
Rita Rudner
Avery Schreiber
Ryan Mitchell
Maggie Lawson
Harriet Harris
Lenny Clarke
…and Moose (Eddie on FRASIER)

Will Success Spoil Alex Rodriguez?

Alex Rodriguez, you took steroids? Ohmygod! I’m still reeling from Rock Hudson being gay. His kisses with Doris Day seemed so real. And those Most Valuable Player Awards you won in Texas, Alex -- those should have gone to fellow teammate Donnie Sadler?

Don’t think it’s a stretch that I’m comparing you to Hollywood heartthrob, Rock Hudson. You’re both performers. And you both have strong ties with sports. You’re a professional baseball player. Mr. Hudson was involved in a prostitution scandal involving members of the 1962 University of Kentucky football team.

You both were the subjects of some bizarre relationship rumors. Rock Hudson, urban legend has it, married Jim Nabors (the hunk who played Gomer Pyle). And you’re dating Madonna.

Speaking of which, I now have to wonder, do you need performance-enhancing drugs to satisfy her too? (Although no one would fault you for that one.)

Your organization said they would support you – something about your being part of the Yankees “family” (and them still owing you $270 million they can’t get out of, despite looking into it). Hollywood, likewise, rallied around Mr. Hudson. Modern Screen Magazine did not take back his “Most Popular Actor of 1954” award. He was allowed to continue his craft, albeit now on television. McMillan & Wife, starring he and Susan St. James, became a long running series, their only disagreement being who should play the wife? It is doubtful that the Yankees would farm you out to the Charleston Riverdogs. Again, it’s that family member and quarter-billion-dollar investment thing.

But I will say this: Rock Hudson’s fans were crushed -- not to mention Elizabeth Taylor (“At least when Eddie Fisher kisses me he’s not picturing Tab Hunter!”). And Alex, your fans will be shocked and deeply saddened – even the seven who never suspected this in the first place.

And you lied to America’s most respected journalist (and sweetheart), Katie Couric – not easy to do when that pit-bull just keeps pounding you and pounding you. Rock Hudson never actually lied. He just happened to frequent bath houses that didn’t appeal to women.

But you admitted your mistake. That took courage (and a leak from the union). And as you said on Monday’s ESPN interview with relentless muckraker, Peter Gammon (with coaching from your agent/humanitarian, Scott Boras), “the truth will set you free.” You claim that since 2004 (the year penalties were first implemented) you had a change of conscience and you’ve been clean. And this time we don’t have to just take your word. You graciously have provided us proof with your atrocious playoff numbers. So that’s a good start. Will the baseball world ever forgive you? Will your accomplishments on the field be forever diminished? Will Red Sox fans ever stop laughing? Time will tell, but for now, Alex, just hang in there. Send Katie an apology. And if you really believe the truth will set you free, you might want to take another cue from Rock Hudson. Come out of the closet.

Batman goes Batshit

Did you hear the tirade by Christian Bale? Apparently the director of photography had the audacity to cross his precious sight line during a scene from that actor-challenging TERMINATOR sequel and Bale went postal on the guy. Hear it here. Warning: The F word is uttered at least a thousand times in three minutes.

Of course what followed was the obligatory public apology. And soon we’ll see more damage control. He’ll guest on Ellen and bake a pie. He’ll join the Jonas Brothers on stage and sing “What I Go to School For”.

He’ll be charming and witty and self-deprecating. He’ll tell Oprah a heartbreaking story of going to a children’s hospital… or at least knowing someone who did who relayed the story. And all I can say is…

DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT.

When an actor becomes an absolute monster, lashing out (usually at defenseless underlings) that’s because he IS a monster.

William Goldman once wrote that from the minute stars get up in the morning until the minute they go to sleep no one says ‘no’ to them. Imagine living your life like that. Everything you want some toady gets for you. You’re allowed to be a complete flaming asshole. All because Batman sold a lot of tickets.

And for every Christian Bale shit fit that hits the internet, there must be ten other out-of-control actor outbursts that don’t. This is not to say that every star is a nightmare. Some handle their fame with grace and humanity. But there are enough of these childish temper tantrums from spoiled inbred poodles to keep directors and producers and writers and directors of photography popping Lexipro like Pez tablets.

Whenever my writing partner, David and I have a pilot starring a star we sit them down and give the following speech: “We’re thrilled to be working with you, we will kill ourselves to make this the best possible show, one that you can be enormously proud of. We will work late nights, weekends, whatever it takes. But if you turn into a monster we’re in Hawaii.”

Today's post is coming to you from Wailea, Maui.

Update: A commenter wondered if I'm here because of a recent incident with a obnoxious star. No. I'm here on vacation. But let this be a message to all unruly stars -- I mean business!

The 2009 Grammy Awards

Technical difficulties solved and here's last night's Grammys review by Annie Levine & Brock Wilbur. Worth waiting for. Think "me" but hipper and in some cases funnier.
Here’s a short run-down of observations from the Grammy Awards last night. It would be longer, but in the four hours of broadcast, there wasn’t much worth of commentary. Hell, the red carpet was almost entirely film actors because no one has anything to say about music this year.

A few quick bits from the red carpet pre-show:

-Joey Fatone asked Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson why he’s trying to abandon “The Rock” and just be Dwayne Johnson. This question coming from “The Fat Guy in N’Sync”. The co-host asked The Rock how it feels to be a huge movie star. He reminded the audience that his new film, “Race to Witch Mountain”, opens soon.

-Rapper T.I. just arrived. He’s going to jail for a year, so this is his last public performance. It’s a lot like The Blues Brothers movie, except they were in trouble with the cops because they were on a mission from God to save an orphanage. T.I. situation is surprisingly similar: Busted by cops in a sting operation, where he was trying to purchase machine guns and silencers.

-Snoop Dogg says that now his “Father Hood” reality show is on the air, people approach him every day to ask for parenting advice. There’s no joke for this one. If you’ve seen him busted by his wife for going against her wishes and taking David Beckham out for Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles, then teaching his son a life lesson by letting him direct his own music video… There’s no joke for this one.

-Herbie Hancock says he was stunned by his win last year because “conventional wisdom said it was going to be Amy Winehouse or—“ (Interrupted) The interviewer says “Yeah, it’s that same magic that let Obama become the new President!” Am I wrong, or did the guy just say that Herbie Hancock is to Barack Obama as Amy Winehouse is to John McCain? Hopefully, the first of many Winehouse/McCain comparisons.

NOW FOR THE SHOW:

-We open with U2 premiering a new song. Since we don’t know the words, they put them on a big video screen behind them so the audience could sing along. Don’t worry, it’s easier than it sounds, since the new song has the same melody as R.E.M.’s “It’s The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”. Except this song is way better, cause it has lines like “I got gasoline / You got a submarine / I don’t want to talk about wars between nations”. He’s lying, he totally does. Also, when Bono began to move we were concerned that he had been in an accident. Turns out that’s just how Bono dances now.

-It’s worth noting that tonight the writers packed everyone full of set-killing jokes than brought everything to grinding halt. Dwayne Johnson (not The Rock) makes a joke in an opening monologue about how Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters is going to be drumming for Paul McCartney tonight, and how he cannot wait to see “The Beatle Fighters”. You know it’s bad when you sigh in relief during the ad breaks, watching previews for this week’s “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, where her foot gets stuck in a toilet! Now that’s comedy.

-We thought it couldn’t get quieter than that, but just afterwards Justin Timberlake introduces Al Green. He doesn’t just introduce him; he tells some stories about their hometown and how they shared a general store, which “was really general. I mean it. Just, random… you know… bait and tackle and gas… general store. Get it?” It was awkward for the crickets. He proceeded to duet with Al Green, who showed his appreciation by making several decent attempts with his hand gestures at knocking Timberlake off-stage.

-Carrie Underwood opted not wear a dress, because she apparently found a discount on drapes. Luckily, her Bedazzler pimped microphone distracted everyone from what she was wearing.

-Kid Rock’s “Rock n Roll Jesus” opens with a line about how sad it is that children are starving and soldiers are dying. Then the video screen behind him shows American flags juxtaposed with Kid Rock’s mug shot from his Oct 2007 arrest stemming from a disturbance at a Waffle House. He proceeded to sing “Amen” a lot. I…. what image is he trying to.... Once again, stunned. But it was good to see Kid Rock is still alive. I hadn’t heard a peep since his last music video where he wiped his ass with toilet paper that had the word “Radiohead” printed on every ply, thereby establishing himself as the dominant artist. Or a Jesus of Rock n Roll. Or whatever, who cares?

-Taylor Swift and Miley Cirus duet about how when you’re fifteen and a boy says he loves you, sometimes you believe him and give him everything. Taylor performs like a human being. Miley performs like Liza Minnelli, giving burst of unmotivated emotion and focusing her attention on random points in the room. It’s distracting, to say the least.

-John Mayer is sitting next to Ice Cube. I want to write a buddy cop movie for them sooooo badly.

-The Four Tops perform with guests Jamie Foxx, Smokey Robinson, and Ne-Yo. Okay, so the only Top left is Abdul (Duke) Fakir. It’s really good and Levi Stubbs will be missed, especially in future “Little Shop of Horrors” revivals.

-Stevie Wonder performs with the Jonas Brothers. I cannot imagine how frightening it must have been for Stevie, because those three brothers took turns sneaking up behind him and getting really close before shouting or almost hitting him with an instrument or inappropriately dancing on him. It just seemed wrong. And uncomfortable. And wrong.

-Blink 182 walked out and said that the reunion of Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers inspired them to reunite Blink 182, and they’d be going on tour soon. There are, conceivably, audiences somewhere in the world who would’ve found this exciting. They were not in attendance at the Grammy Awards tonight. No applause.

-Coldplay won two awards. They wore stupid knock-off costumes from Sgt. Peppers. At their first award they used their speech to thank Paul McCartney for letting them rip off Sgt. Peppers. At their second award, they said they were thrilled to have so many awards, but they obviously didn’t have as many as Paul McCartney. I don’t know if Coldplay is aware, but Paul McCartney is not going to sleep with them.

-Coldplay performed two songs, which managed to stir almost no emotional reaction from the crowd. Maybe selecting the song where no one in the band plays an instrument while a pre-recorded orchestra performs wasn’t a great choice. Maybe Chris Martin shouldn’t have tried to compensate by dancing around stage like he was channeling a combination of Bozo the Clown and Bono the Guy Who Dances Like He’s Injured.

-Shortly after, Radiohead performed. Chris Martin’s wife Gwyneth Paltrow introduced them as the most influential band in the world. She’s not a musician, she doesn’t have a movie coming out… Someone decided the funniest thing they could do was force Gwyneth to awkwardly introduce her husband’s biggest rivals and compliment them in a way that belittles her husband. I was shocked they didn’t make her throw in something about how Thom Yorke of Radiohead was “the greatest lay in the U.K.”, but there’s always next year. Anyway, only 2/5 of Radiohead actually performed, along with the USC marching band. They performed “15 Step” and it was hauntingly good, demolishing all other performances that night.

-Except of course, for M.I.A., who performed on stage with a coalition of big name rap stars. This was notable, because M.I.A. is pregnant and was scheduled to deliver her child today. So to watch her rap and then dance back and forth across the stage, knowing that at any moment the bass frequency from the subwoofers might cause her water to break… ya, it was super punk-rawk.

-Robert Plant and Alison Krauss won album of the year. Yawn. Whatever.

BEST PART OF THE NIGHT:

-Dave Grohl plays drums for Paul McCartney on “I Saw Her Standing There”. We sat with baited breath, waiting to see if Grohl could live up to Ringo’s high standard. Lo and behold, he did. Victory!

SPECIAL SIDE NOTE:

-Singer Chris Brown and girlfriend Rihanna were both scheduled to perform. Neither made it to the ceremony, since earlier Brown attacked Rihanna, leaving her with visible facial bruising and bite marks (?) on her arms. He was arrested, then released on $50k bail at 9pm tonight. Can the two of them live up to Amy Winehouse’s high standard? Victory!

I love Shelley Long

An unavoidable delay in the Grammy review. It will be posted soon.

It still kills me that Shelley lost the Emmy one year to Jackee. How is that even possible?

Recently, I caught a first year episode of CHEERS and was reminded all over again of just how brilliant Shelley Long was. Diane Chambers was a role fraught with danger. Without just the perfect actress you could reeeeally hate that character. But Shelley managed to make her likeable and vulnerable and hysterically funny while still keeping the edge and condescension that “Diane” required. Not easy to do. Kinda like walking a tightrope in a typhoon.

It’s been 25 years, there have been a lot of shows since, many with really gifted comediennes, but I’ve never seen anyone better.

Here’s an example. One of my favorite scenes. From the episode “Diane’s Perfect Date” written by David Lloyd and directed by James Burrows. Sam and Diane agree to set each other up with dates, but Sam thinks that’s just a ruse and that Diane is going to set him up with herself. So he makes no effort to find her a date. Come the night in question, Diane arrives with a woman for Sam. Now he has to scramble. He grabs the first guy he can find. Here's what happens:

Stay tuned

My jaded but hilarious daughter, Annie and her equally jaded/hilarious writing partner, Brock will be filing a review of the Grammys. I'm in Hawaii torch dancing tonight and they've heard of all of the nominees.

Lateline

I once spent a month in New York directing a sitcom called LATELINE for NBC. It starred Senator-we-think Al Franken and aired in the late 90’s.

The show was filmed in Queens at the Kaufman-Astoria studios. Next door was SESAME STREET and it was not uncommon to see guys walking down the hall with Muppets on one hand and cigarettes in the other. I hung out one lunch break there with Big Bird and guest star, Peter Jennings.

We filmed on Tuesday nights and began rehearsing the next show the following day. In LA, after the show wrapped on Tuesday night, crews would strike the swing sets and start setting up the new ones. Not in New York. They would strike the sets on Wednesday when we were rehearsing. As inconvenient as this was I was told this was still far preferable to the all-night crews. I don’t even want to know why. But that meant in order to wheel out the big unwieldy set pieces they’d roll back the huge stage door that opened right out onto a city street. So anyone walking by could just stop and watch us rehearse. Also, since this was November, the open door permitted the first blast of winter to enter the studio. We all rehearsed in parkas.

There aren’t too many multi-camera shows filmed in New York. So there aren’t a lot of cameramen familiar with the form. Of our four cameramen, two primarily covered Mets games on Channel 9. If a character reached for a phone they zoomed in on his hand. I had to tell them, this was an actor not a shortstop.

But my favorite times were the studio/network runthroughs. These occurred after the third day of production. In order for execs back in LA to see the rehearsal a satellite hook up was employed. LATELINE was a behind-the-scenes look at late night news program a la NIGHTLINE so our main set was this huge honkin’ newsroom. The satellite feed was hooked up to one camera. This poor cameraman who looked like Don Knotts only more frightened, had to just follow the action the best he could. And of course he would miss lines, be fishing around looking for people, crash into desks, etc.

After one such ragged runthrough we got this network note: How come there are no close ups?

How do you even begin to answer that?

The DVD of LATELINE is available and worth checking out. Some very funny episodes. One in particular with Allison Janney and I’d like to think her performance was what first caught NBC’s attention. The next season she was cast in THE WEST WING. But on LATELINE she was hilarious! And thanks to that network note, there are quite a few close ups.

There must be a senate seat somewhere for Allison Janney. Unlike Al, at least she has experience.

How to memorize scripts Pt 3

Here’s the final installment in how actors memorize. My thanks to the well-known actors/actresses who contributed along with my sympathies. It’s easier to write this crap than memorize it.

Actor 1 (a soap opera star):

A great deal of it depends on certain skills that you're either born with or you're not. If you are born with the capacity to memorize, so much the better for you. However other factors do come into play. One of those is your comfort and familiarity with the character you're portraying. If it's new and you're just kinda feeling your way along, might be slightly difficult at first. However, if it's a character with which/whom you are completely familiar and at ease then you know, almost before the writer puts it on the page, what you'll say and how you'll say it. Another factor is the leeway, if any, that an actor is given with his/her lines. On a soap, for instance, with sometimes PAGES of dialogue or (heaven help us) a monologue, you (more often than not) will be given a little room to ad-lib. Get all the correct information out, give your partner their correct cue and make it sound natural and real...and you can get away with a lot.

Stage trained actors usually fare much better on the screen than the other way around with regard to memorization. There's very little ad-libbing tolerated in the theatre and so that training is invaluable when making the leap to TV or film. However, the advantage of doing live theatre is the rehearsal process, which can take weeks of doing the same scene over and over...and THAT'S where much of the memorizing is done for the stage. For the screen, big or little, if you are just not a good memorizer, the only thing you can do is go over and over and over and over...and over it with a partner or in the mirror. Sentence by sentence if you have to.

****************************
Actor 2:

Years ago I was taught a method called the "key word" method for memorizing commercial copy quickly when auditioning for commercials in NY where the copy is presented to you when you get to the audition. You only have a few minutes to look at it before you're whisked in to go on camera. The "key word" is the word that jumps out at you when you are reading a line and is different for everyone, but hopefully is the "heart" of a sentence. You circle it and memorize it. Then in theory you have a list of "key words" that bring up the complete sentence when needed.

Now, my actress wife has also influenced me and her method is one that I have used more and more the older I get. Seeing a picture in my mind of the sentence and matching an action to it at the same time.

An actor also has an action for each line. Actions being verbs. For example, in typical arguments between two romantic leads in a scene, often one character will get to a point where they "present", "list", "defend" (all active verbs) their P.O.V. with a "laundry list" of idea. In the actor's mind when you get to that place in the scene in my mind I know what is to be said is the "laundry list", and I match that to my action/verb "defend my P.O.V.", "present my reasoning", "list my reasoning", etc.

The process typically gets harder the older you get because for most of us our memory begins to go, but with these tools and techniques, hopefully we can stay adept at memorizing for more years than we should. They are good brain exercises too. All memorization ... jokes, poetry, speeches, etc. are good for our brains.

******************
Actor 3:

I'm what is called a "quick study" -- I can learn pages in a few minutes. Apparently, that has to do with what side of the brain you work on -- and that's not a choice!

I learn through images. I see a line and I see the picture of the line. For example, "I love you, you're the greatest man I've ever known, but if you don't clean up that office, I"m going to leave you!"

I see the man I love standing in a room full of paper which he is not putting in a trash can and then I see myself leaving.

The picture -- to the action -- to the line.

Sometimes, there is a word I get caught on and then I use a muscle memory technique. The brain is a muscle and if you lift 20-30 times all the other
muscles (the tongue etc.) remember. So, I repeat by rote over and over and over until the muscle remembers and then I don't have to think about that word -- it comes -- the muscle just
does it.

Finally, my acting technique, Meisner, learned in grad school -- lines are just an extension of the physical action. So when you are working out the part you are in motion moving from
set piece to prop to person etc. and it's like a dancer with choreography you just know what the action is your playing and you move in that direction and the lines come because you know where you are headed based on the intention and action of the scene.

Dr. Pepper, Dr. Crane, Dr. Sternin-Crane

Aloha still. Here are some Friday questions.

bobomo asks:

So did you write the recent Frasier/Lilith Dr. Pepper commercial?

No. An ad guy did but they wisely had Christopher Lloyd (one of the FRASIER showrunners) revise it. Here's the spot:



From John:

Since you're flying off for (I assume) some time for relaxation, here's a kind-of related topic -- What's your opinion/outcome of trying to be creative in comedy writing while either having imbibed a little, or under the influence of any other intoxicants?

For the most part, not a good idea. Intoxicants tend to cloud your judgment. All too often something you write late at night when you’re well intoxicated or good and medicated turns out to be something Jack Nicholson’s character would write in THE SHINING.

Yes, there are stories of writers who snort coke and bang out entire brilliant hour episodes over night but (a) I don’t know how true they are, and (b) sooner or later there’s a price to pay.

But before I start sounding like your parents, I will admit a glass of wine or beer won’t kill ya. This is why you want to be on shows like FRASIER because those guys know good wine.

And finally, from Dean W.:

For shows like "Two and a Half Men" it seems like the creators write half of the episodes. For shows like "Cheers" or "M*A*S*H", was it common for the creators to offer input to the writers?

TWO AND A HALF MEN is all room written and credits are just rotated. In most comedies, unless the creators have gone off and are no longer associated with the show, they have TREMENDOUS input. Every MAD MEN is rewritten by Matt Weiner. Every MASH the first four years was rewritten by Larry Gelbart. Sometimes 100%. Usually the series creators have too much to do to write first drafts but their influence is ever present.

What's your question?

The latest on women's orgasms!!!!

Bad news guys – according to a recent scientific study, size does matter.

The size of your bank account.

Women experience more orgasms with rich guys. Again, this is from an independent scientific study, not something commissioned by Tom Leykis.

“Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research.

He believes there is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality.

So does that mean all women are genetically programmed to be gold-diggers? You mean Paula Fortunato didn’t marry Sumner Redstone, who’s 40 years older and looks like a withered fungo bat, for LOVE? Her divorce coming at the exact moment of the stock market collapse was not purely coincidental?

And can we then assume that all women’s orgasms have been way down since October?

For a long time women were accused of being too superficial, too interested in looks. How great for their esteem and dignity to learn that MONEY is all they care about!

These studies have been conducted in China, America, and Germany – arguably the three most romantic countries in the world.

I’m not quite sure what the testing methods were, maybe comparing wives’ orgasms with their wealthy husbands vs. their gardeners and pool boys. Perhaps researchers walked the corridors of the Four Seasons and the Travelodge comparing the level of shrieking.

But wait. There’s more!

David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, in his book The Evolution of Desire believes female orgasms have several possible purposes (besides the obvious one – why would they put up with men otherwise?).

“They (the orgasms) could promote emotional bonding with a high-quality male (i.e. one who drives a Ferrari) or they could serve as a signal that women are highly sexually satisfied, and hence unlikely to seek sex with other men,” David Buss said. “What those orgasms are saying is ‘I'm extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’."

Women? Your thoughts?

I contend this study is only partially true. Yes, women do have more orgasms with rich men – more fake orgasms.

Now it's Hollywood Week on AMERICAN IDOL

Aloha from Hawaii. I’m too busy hula dancing and killing wild boar to watch this week’s AMERICAN IDOL but the show has gotten so formula that I think I can review it even without seeing it. I originally posted it last week for ten minutes until I was told they hadn't gotten to Hollywood yet. Oops. So I deleted it. Anyway, here it is again. Tell me how right I was.

It’s Hollywood Week. I understand they’ve made some format adjustments, adding more time to this portion of the series. I guess producers realized a whole hour of just watching people walking down a long hallway to be told they’re in or out wasn’t as spellbinding as they had imagined.

So here’s what I think I missed:

Shots of the excited kids getting off planes. By the end of the show most will be eliminated and humiliated.

Simon gives them all a speech about how this will be the most rigorous, pressure-packed week of their lives. Think MISSILES OF OCTOBER but with Motown songs. Five kids crack just from the speech.

Simon will warn them not to forget the words. At least twenty will. Over such Sondheim-worthy intricate lyrics as “Na na hey hey, Kiss him Goodbye”.

Three people will be sick. But they will sing anyway, proving that heroes still exist.

Simon will collectively rip the kids a new asshole.

The new judge will be at odds with Simon. And those flare ups will serve as every tease going into breaks as producers try to create this trumped-up feud and bogus controversy.

Ryan will be right off stage to interview the apoplectic kids who have just screwed up. Many many many tears.

Plenty of hotel footage and rehearsal for when they have to sing in groups. Everyone will be up all night and nerves will be frayed. They will call it inhuman. I call it college.

We’ll see many losers call home. Their moms will all say “That’s okay, baby. We love you.” More tears. Losers then all say the important thing is their families. Half will take the opportunity to stay in Hollywood as runaways.

At least three losers will say it was a positive experience because they learned a lot about themselves. These are the people who might show up dead at Paula’s house.

A minimum of two losers will go back on stage and humiliate themselves groveling for another chance. The judges will not be moved.

That incredibly annoying girl from open auditions who laughed like a raving loon will be eliminated and will blame everybody and everything but herself.

Bikini Girl will not be as talented in clothes. But who is?

There will be a big scene of the four judges arguing over Polaroids of the contestants. This will mean nothing since the producers ultimately decide who goes on and who does not. If Simon actually decided there would be fifteen willowy blondes and David Archelleta.

A few will sing horribly but still move on because they're (a) kooky, (b) cute, (c) blind, or (d) have just come from a loved one's funeral.

And finally, we will be told this is the most talented group of kids they’ve ever had on AMERICAN IDOL. It’s the same thing they said last year with Jason Castro in the top ten.

Random thoughts and Blogroll Amnesty Day

What do you mean you've never heard of Blogroll Amnesty Day? Apparently on this day bigger blogs are asked to link to smaller blogs to help them out. Happy to oblige. So after some random thoughts I'll plug a few.

I have President Obama's exclusive private email address. It is britneyspears@gmail.com.

I'm loving LOST this year but starting to get the vibe that the last episode will be Bob Newhart waking up from a bad dream in Hawaii.

Al Michaels should call every Superbowl, every World Series, every World Cup, Masters Tournament, LaCrosse championship.

What on NBC's primetime schedule is remotely as good as that PETA ad they banned?

Suzanne Somers takes 60 pills a day and injects estriol vaginally. She claims to have beaten what she calls "the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause": Itchy, Bitchy, Sleepy, Sweaty, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up. "The Wicked Witch of Acting Ability" has yet to be slayed.

Joe Torre's new book is out today. It's the inside story of his twelve years managing the Yankees. He reveals that Alex Rodriguez also injects estriol vaginally.

Did anybody in their right mind turn off Bruce Springsteen's unbelievable Superbowl halftime show to watch the Wipeout Bowl on ABC?

How come every U.S. President has to have an idiot brother? This week Obama's half brother was arrested on a drug charge. Oh well. In the case of George Bush the idiot brother WAS the President.

Okay, here are the links as I do my part for Blogroll Amnesty Day.

Dirtywatah -- the premiere Red Sox blog

Hoffmania -- very witty political blog updated often and always with the best political cartoons.

Earl Pomerantz -- Terrific comedy writer with a wonderful honest voice

Mark Rothman -- A LAVERNE & SHIRLEY guy joining the ranks with good stuff.

Mike McCann -- Good baseball blog with cool pictures of old parks.

and of course, the first lady of show business (and by that I mean the first lady ever to enter the field)... Tallulah Morehead.

Well, must go. There are so many Blogroll Amnesty Day parties here in Hawaii I don't know where to begin. I just worry how many rowdies will blow their fingers off with homemade fireworks. Happens every year.

The Superbowl ad that NBC banned

For PETA. Personally, I would have banned the annoying one about people who hate their jobs.

Rule #1 if you want to be a comedy writer

My recent post on all the schlock direct-to-video movies elicited this comment from “Dave”: What's even sadder about these is that you took the time to write down all the cover copy.

Not only did I take the time to do that, when I first went into Blockbuster I didn’t have a pen & paper so made a special trip back to jot down the info.

Rule #1 if you want to be a comedy writer: learn to think funny.

Always be on the lookout for absurdity or irony or just general goofiness. So when you’re browsing through the shelves of Blockbuster and you happen upon WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? it strikes your eye. My guess is two hundred people before me read the title and just moved on.

There are websites where people report funny snatches of dialogue they overhear on the street of big cities. Do you pay attention to that when you’re out for a stroll? I bet funny things were said within your earshot just as good or better than what’s listed on those sites. But you have to listen, develop a comic radar. As an experiment go to a crowded mall, just take a seat in the courtyard, and listen as people walk by.

When George Lucas told Carrie Fisher she couldn’t wear a bra during STAR WARS because there is “no underwear in space”, how many other actors would have taken that at face value?

Comedy is all around you. It’s misspelled tattoos, it’s CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, Bank of America commercials offering “risk free” bonds, Speedos, Golden Globes, KFC meals in a bowl, beauty pageants, THE VIEW, life lessons from Teri Hatcher, Rush Limbaugh drug problems, and movie titles like ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

Watch for them. You’ll become a much better comedy writer (or stand up comic) and if nothing else, you’ll go through life damn entertained.