Okay, at least I was honest. This is not my original post for the day. It was a review of Tuesday night's AMERICAN IDOL, which I confessed up front that I did not see. But since the show has become so formula I took a stab at it anyway. Only problem is, I thought it was Hollywood Week and it's not. So I'll save that for when it's more appropriate and instead offer this.
I rarely get to Blockbuster rentals but since I’m on vacation and the alternative is local Hawaiian news delivered by hard-hitting anchors in aloha shirts I thought I’d swing by and pick up a movie or two. Wow. For every release I had heard of there had to be at least three direct-to-video DVD’s I hadn’t. Here these gems never got major distribution I will never know. But here are a few of my favorites. Note: these are actual titles and tag lines. I’m not making any of this up.
FATHER OF THE KAMIKA – “Official Selection 1974 Geijyutsusa Arts Festival”.
HAROLD – about a teen with a receding hairline. Starring Oscar winner, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Nikki Blonsky.
INTERCEPTION – “A Clay Brothers Film”. Who????
IN THE GUTTER – with cover art featuring a guy coming out of a toilet.
I REALLY HATE MY JOB – starring Neve Campbell. So that’s what happened to her.
THE LAST KLEZMER -- most of the direct-to-video movies are action-thrillers so I have to assume this one is too.
LOWER LEARNING – starring Eva Longoria before she got famous. Heaven help any TV star who once had to pay the bills.
NINJA CHEERLEADERS – “Fight to Cheer Another Day”
PIRATES OF THE SALT LAKES – “Pirate Talk so Salty, You Won’t Believe Your Buccaneers”
RAISING JEFFREY DAHMER
RIM SHOT – starring Mr. Magic
SHUT UP AND SHOOT – Featuring Gary Busey and Tom Sizemore. Their probation officers must now also be their agents.
SUNDAY SCHOOL MUSICAL
STRIPPER ACADEMY – “Higher Learning Just Got Hotter”
SUPERBADAZZ – “Gotta Dollar Bill Ya’ll?”
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS – featuring Jenna Jamison. “They’ll Dance for a Fee, But Devour You for Free”.
WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? -- “The Movie that Santa Doesn’t Want You to See.”
KENNY – From what I understand a popular Australian comedy. But the movie that is my namesake is about a guy who cleans toilets. The tagline is – “He’s Number One with Your Number Two”. Class-eee. Oh well. At least one reviewer called it “the Citizen Kane of Romantic Comedies About Sewage”.