Holiday Movie Preview: Part I

Standard themes dominate this holiday season: World War II and retro R&B acts.
QUANTUM OF SOLACE – Bond is back! And it’s Daniel Craig, the good Bond! Resumes the story an hour after CASINO ROYALE ended. Even 007 needs some alone time for “002”.

FOUR CHRISTMASES – Every Xmas Hollywood trots out at least five ghastly formula high concept hijinks holiday movies. This is four of them.

AUSTRALIA – World War II era romantic western. Similar to “The Man Who Shot Heinrich Himmler”.

BOY IN STRIPED PAJAMAS – Children's story set in a concentration camp. Suddenly a WWII romantic western doesn’t seem so weird, does it?

ROLE MODELS – Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott. “Hey Dude, Where’s my Big Brother?” Receiving good buzz. Enjoy before this Apatow fad completely wears out its welcome... in about another five weeks.

MILK – Sean Penn as gay SF politician Harvey Milk who was assassinated. Brokeback Metro.

TWILIGHT – Stephanie Meyer’s wildly popular vampire novel comes to the silver screen. Over-critical average girl has issues with her super hot boyfriend just because he happens to drink blood. Yeah, like she's perfect.

SOUL MEN – When director Malcolm Lee set out to do this R&B buddy comedy he didn’t figure on two of his stars (Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes) dying shortly after principle photography. That sort of takes a little of the fun out. But I want to see it anyway.

NOTHING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS – starring America’s next great screen couple – Freddy Rodriguez and Debra Messing.

BOLT – Disney/Pixar animated tale of dog who thinks he’s a superhero. Lots of creative upheaval during production. Big fights over pigeon design. That can’t be a good sign.

REPOI THE GENETIC OPERA – Two words: Paris Hilton. One word: RUN!!!

THE DUKES – two washed-up Doo Wop singers. SOUL MEN but the cast survives.

VALKERIE – The Tom Cruise World War II saga that no one will go to see. He tries to kill Hitler. Ever if he had succeeded in real life, that still wouldn’t be enough to salvage his reputation.

JCVD – Bank robbery. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays himself. But can he be convincing?

SEVEN POUNDS – Will Smith helps seven people and the audience is not supposed to know why until the end. But everyone knows why – to win an Oscar.

WENDY AND LUCY – Michelle Williams takes on the acting challenge of her career – playing a character wearing no make-up!

CHE – Steven Soderbergh’s four hour biopic of Che Guevara. And if that doesn’t get you racing into the theater, it’s all in Spanish!

The conclusion tomorrow.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 (my version)

When HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 came out I posted what I thought should be the plot for HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3. Well, now that it's out, tell me -- how close did I come?How’s this for the plot of the upcoming HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3? A nude picture of Gabriella (Vanessa Anne Hudgens) is discovered by evil-bitch-future-CAA-agent, Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale) and her weasel brother-future-network-director-of-comedy, Ryan (Lucas Grabeel). Song: “You Learn a Lot About People by Going Through Their Purse”.

Sharpay is very aroused by the naked photo. Ryan is not. Both realize they’re gay. They’re relieved and break off their own budding romance. They sing a big duet: “Incest & Peppermint”.

Stick with me here.

Sharpay also ends her affair with Troy’s dad, the basketball coach realizing it’s wrong to sleep with an older man, much less a teacher when she’s now into quail. And she’s not even in his class.

Ryan joins the basketball team. Shower room production number: “Get’cha Game in the Head”. He’s a good player but tends to get holding calls, even while opponents are shooting free throws,

Meanwhile, Troy (Zac Efron) is on vacation at the one ski lodge that has an indoor basketball court ('Dennis Rodman’s Alpine Inn') and meets fellow vacationer, Jordan Sparkes (fresh off her American Idol tour even though it’s been over for months). They sing a duet together on karaoke night. “In Ten Years We’ll Be Playing Branson.”

Still not over the incredibly insane coincidence that after meeting Gabriella similarly in a ski lodge and a week later, out of all the high schools and cities in the world she could have transferred to, she transferred to his, Troy is shocked when Jordan transfers there as well. They sing a duet about it: “Tweeners Are Too Dumb to Care”.

Sharpay (named after a French felt pen) befriends Gabriella and invites her up to her room where she proudly shows off her extensive headless Barbie collection. Hoping to entice the dark young beauty, Sharpay casually leaves around a few nude photos of herself but Gabriella is creeped out because the shots also include her nude brother, Ryan.

Now Gabriella, Jordan, and Ryan want to star in the high school musical with Troy. Sharpay wants to star with Gabriella, or even Jordan. Ryan wants to star with Troy, his dad, or the back-up center with the soulful eyes. Jordan wants to star in CHICAGO on Broadway.

Ms. Darbus (Alyson Reed), the Drama teacher, is still in hot water with the school board since last year's musical was PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and the chandelier that hovers over the audience during the opening number snapped killing eleven people. This year no ninth graders are on the tech crew.

Gabriella finally rejects Sharpay’s advances in an emotional number called “Why Would I Want a Strap-on When I Can Have the Real Thing?”

Sharpay decides to exact revenge and releases the nude photo of Gabriella on the internet. But her plan backfires when not a single boy in the entire school is the least bit aroused.

Big final dance number as every student in East High gets scholarships to Emerson College and Troy learns that Sharpay is his new stepmother.

Daphne Moon

Yesterday I did a piece on Jane Leeves. Here's a great compilation of Niles/Daphne scenes.



And here's one of my all-time favorite Daphne scenes.

Jane Leeves

Today’s Friday question centers around one of my favorite people in the world. Leave your questions in the comments section.


From Mark Stout:

You haven't talked about Jane Leeves as much as the others. I like the tidbits of character development that the writers tried and seemingly abandoned in the early years. The psychic abilities. And in one episode, I remember Daphne saying she'd be a TV child star until her body went through puberty. And it was never mentioned again.

You’re right, Mark. Jane doesn’t get the full recognition she deserves and in many ways she had the hardest part on the show to play. What made the whole Niles infatuation bit work so well was how hilariously oblivious Daphne was to it. And it’s always tougher to be funny when your character is so “earnest”. I’ve always applauded FRASIER creators Peter Casey/David Lee/David Angell for not making her the stereotypical sassy wise-ass housekeeper. In fact, by making her a physical therapist and not a maid, that alone is worthy of praise.

Jane has fabulous comic timing. Did you know she was originally a regular on THE BENNY HILL SHOW? Later she had a recurring role on MURPHY BROWN and who can ever forget her as Marla the Virgin on “the Contest” episode of SEINFELD? But if you’re a Jane Leeves fan and a guy you owe it to yourself to see the movie TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA. She plays a bisexual in a ménage a trois scene, must fake orgasms and be funny. Any one of those things is worth renting the flick.

Daphne was the hardest character to work into plotlines. Again, if you’re earnest, basically happy, and not ditzy/bitchy/preachy it’s tough. The psychic routine worked as long as it was used sparingly. The obvious trap was that this comic trait would become the sum total of her character. Jane is too good an actress for that. The writers worked hard to give her attitudes and involve her in every story and their diligence paid off in spades. Watch some FRASIER reruns. I’ll bet you say, “Wow, I didn’t realize how good she was.”

One Jane story stands out for me.

It was the first season. There was a scene where Daphne had to play pool. Jane had never played pool in her life so the show hired someone to teach her. The tutor came up to the office after her first session and was somewhat in shock. He said he had never seen anything like it. In one hour she was doing trick shots! But that’s Jane. Anything you asked her to do she could. And given an hour she could do it better than anybody.

Hmmm. I wonder who tutored her on the ménage a trois scene.

As promised: PORN STARS!!!

Well, finally! Hollywood is starting to realize there’s a whole wealth of talent that they’ve just ignored. Porn stars! While producers for years have tried to get young starlets onto the casting couch they’ve disregarded those dedicated young thespians who make their living blowing guys. As if studying at Julliard is any better preparation for a serious acting career than servicing the pool boy and his tattooed friend.

Hollywood has finally woken up.

Porn stars are crossing over into mainstream pictures with great regularity these days (well 5 out of maybe 20,000 but that’s still up from 2). Traci Lords perhaps was the first to breakthrough. Despite thinking she can lecture on comedy, Traci has proven herself to be a capable actress. From John Waters CRY BABY to a guest appearance on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN (where she probably gained her expertise on the art of comedy) Traci has delivered the goods. Jenna Jameson’s star turn in Howard Stern’s PRIVATE PARTS was also admirable. No dialogue coach needed here. As an actress Ms. Jamison can stand on her own two knees.

And Nina Hartley’s portrayal of a porn star in BOOGIE NIGHTS was incredibly realistic. Dare say she’s method?

Ashlyn Gere (not to be confused with the less nuanced Richard) is as well known for her work on SPACE: ABOVE AND BEYOND as she is for her own movie, ASHYLN GERE – PUT IT IN GERE: PUT IT IN HER REAR.

And now comes Katie Morgan (pictured above) who appears in Kevin Smith’s new feature, ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO.

Certainly crossing over into mainstream is an adjustment for these porn stars. Just learning the correct industry terms can be a chore. DP means Director of Photography not Double Penetration. But they have down time on the set to learn. Entire movies aren’t shot in seven hours.

Hopefully this trend will continue. More queens of the silver screen and golden showers will become legitimate actresses, Broadway divas, or at the very least, anchors for Fox News.

Change

Back to comedy, television, advice, and nonsense tomorrow (kicking it off with an incisive post on porn stars), but on this historic occasion of celebration (at least for me, most Americans, and every foreign citizen in the world) I thought I’d share some Election Day random thoughts. (But come back tomorrow for the porn star thing. It’s pretty funny.)Obama becomes the third black U.S. President. David Palmer and his brother Wayne from 24 being the other two.

A Jew has yet to win for President or AMERICAN IDOL. But a Jew has won SURVIVOR!

Credit where credit is due, FOX NEW’S Brit Hume was extremely gracious. He said this about our future president: “He may be dangerous but he’s likable.”

Nice that my kooky state (California) put him over the top but wouldn’t it have been almost poetic if Hawaii was the deciding state?

I miss Walter Cronkite.

Among the people told that election day had been moved to Wednesday was Katie Couric but she caught her bosses in the lie.

When John McCain is NOT the scariest member of a ticket you know you are really in trouble.

Now I can go to Europe and not have to apologize for being an American.

And I can sleep for the first time in eight years.

And exhale for the first time in eight months.

A President usually appoints those key people instrumental in getting him elected to key administrative posts. Will Tina Fey become Secretary of State or Secretary of Agriculture?

Very classy concession speech by John McCain.

Barack Obama’s speech was stirring and (I’m not used to this from a U.S. President) articulate. It even brought tears to Oprah’s eyes. Glad that Oscar producer Gil Cates wasn’t producing. After 30 seconds he would have started the play off music.

I imagine Hillary Clinton re-enacted the Sean Penn breakdown scene in MYSTIC RIVER. Might be a good night for Bill to crash at a friend’s.

There is life after election for losing GOP candidates. Bob Dole has been the commercial spokesperson for Visa, Viagra, and Dunkin’ Donuts. And of course McCain can always run for president of Second Life.

Joe the Plumber will go the way of Joe Millionaire.

But Sarah Palin will become a pop culture icon like Freddy Krueger, Chucky, and Faye Dunaway.

In L.A. you got “I voted” stickers good for a freebie at Starbucks or a beach ball from the 99 Cent Store. No serious Southern California sports fan would be caught dead at a sporting event without his beach ball.

In Baltimore, voters got a free beer at Todd Conner’s Pub.

But the best perk was -- if you live in New York, Los Angeles, or Seattle, you could have swung by Babeland, a chain of sex-toy shops, where voters received special discounts! (Not sure if that included “Penny Flame’s Guide to Hand Jobs” or “Mr. Bendy”.)

Hey! Bill Clinton called me yesterday! Something about No on Proposition 8. I tried to break in and say hello, ask if he needed a place to stay for the night, but he just kept on talking. I also wanted to tell him about the great deal at Babeland. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll call back tomorrow.

Supreme Court Justices can step down now.

Did you see the CNN holograms? It was like Princess Leia was right there in the studio, analyzing exit polls! Cool!!

The HuffingtonPost can finally devote more time to Amy Winehouse.

I don't have to move to New Zealand now.

On his radio show Tuesday Sean Hannity predicted a big upset win for McCain. It was just the latest in a long line of misinformation he dispenses on a daily basis to his large audience of simpletons and lemmings.

Please let this not mean we see more of Jessie Jackson.

What are the pollsters going to concentrate on now? I guess it's back to FAMILY FEUD questions.

Okay, let me get this straight – Hurricane Katrina destroys Louisiana. Instead of doing anything, George Bush attends a San Diego Padres game. Louisiana votes Republican. Huh????

Maybe now Air America can get on radio stations that have more than 12 watts and aren’t above airport traffic stations on the AM dial.

When Mr. Obama learned that he had won I bet he said the same thing I say whenever a network picks up a television series of mine. “OH SHIT!!!”

God speed, Mr. President-elect. Congratulations, and now Oprah Winfrey doesn’t have to return the dress she bought for the Inaugural. It’s all good.

Election Day... more important even than the AMERICAN IDOL final

I try not to be political on this blog. Whenever I do it usually results in a flood of angry comments. How dare I take a day away from reviewing INSTANT BEAUTY PAGENT or plugging my seminar to inflict my personal beliefs on people! I can usually count on ten livid folks writing that they will never read my blog again. A month later they’re back. The chance that I might profile Kat Dennings again is too great to miss.

It’s silly to try to convince you to vote for my candidate. Comedy writers with blogs don’t have the sway they did thirty years ago.

I’d like to say study the issues and decide for yourself but so many people in this country are so incredibly stupid to suggest that would be irresponsible. How someone performs on SNL should not be your determining factor in selecting the next leader of the free world. And studying the issues does not mean spending a half hour on YouTube. Radio gabmeisters like Rush Limbaugh say “let me do the thinking for you.” Let me ask, how has that worked out for you?

So I won’t tell you who to vote for. But on this crucial day in our country and world’s future I do have some suggestions for both parties.

DEMOCRATS

Don’t be complacent. Don’t just listen to the polls, figure your vote doesn’t matter, and pass it up to go to Costco. Especially in the swing states. Even if it’s inconvenient, you have to wait in line, and the neighbor behind you is the scumbag who put all those naked statues on his front lawn.

REPUBLICANS

This is your last chance to tell Floridians they can vote by phone. It’s your final opportunity to send out flyers in Virginia saying election day has been moved to Wednesday. Maintain flipping early votes from their guy to yours as you’re doing in Charleston. Have your Party Chairman continue to pressure the Attorney General of Nevada to bar certain voters. Keep lobbying Indiana to toss out early ballots. See that citizens who moved in Georgia are suddenly ineligible to vote. Be ready to hack into e-voting machines like you did in 2004. Spearhead moving polling places from poor neighborhoods.

Step up those robocalls!

You only have a few hours to spread the word that your opponent is a Marxist, Socialist, terrorist, illegal alien, Streisand loving, anti-American, who is soft on crime, hard on Israel, has six kids out of wedlock, and has never liked TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. Get busy.

May the best candidate win… and have his votes be counted.

Okay, start writing your angry comments. Just be sure you leave your name. This should be worse than when I said nice things about Patricia Heaton.

Betsy Palmer

While we’re still… sorta, kinda… on the subjects of slasher movies and birthdays, to most of you Betsy Palmer is best known for being Jason’s mother in FRIDAY the 13th. She’s maybe the world’s most famous Hockey Mom.

But to us baby boomers Ms. Palmer is forever etched in our minds as a celebrity panelist on the I’VE GOT A SECRET game show from the 50s and 60s. And she was also playing Peter Pan in any dinner theater that could afford the flying apparatus.

So how does this cheery, chirpy pixie with a trademark smile and sixty teeth go from live game shows to blood splatter fests?

She needed to buy a car.

"What a piece of junk!” she said of the movie (not the car) in an early interview. “Nobody is ever going to see this piece of crap."

Any teenager who ever pissed in his (or her) pants knows that’s not true.

Betsy eventually embraced the franchise. And why not? No one ever became a cult figure asking contestants if their secret had anything to do with trampolines?

Betsy just turned 82. Happy Birthday. Your son is carving you a gift even as we speak.

The day Kirstie Alley slipped my son "the big one"

Is there anything more touching than a father-son bonding moment? Here’s my son Matt and his “Big Papi”.My kid is now 26. How the hell did that happen?

He’s also become the world’s biggest Red Sox fan. His blog, Dirtywatah.com is a must read for everyone in the Red Sox Nation and anyone in general who despises the Yankees.

Here’s one story that can best describe the kind of person Matt is and always has been.

He was probably seven or eight. His elementary school was having a carnival and all the kinder were asked to go out and sell raffle tickets. So I took him onto the set of CHEERS, knowing the cast and crew would be easy marks.

He had his little spiel down cold. For only one dollar you could win a brand new TV set. Everyone was giving him a buck or two.

He approached Kirstie Alley, did his pitch, and she gave him a twenty dollar bill. He reminded her that it was only a dollar. She said, that’s okay, you can have the whole twenty.

And he said, “Yeah, but you might not win.”

Happy birthday, Matt. I love you, buddy. Sorry about the Sox.

Turn your clocks back

Make sure you turn back your clocks one hour tonight (at least in the US. I have no idea whether you folks in Czechoslovakia go off daylight savings or not.).

Yeah, we get an extra hour's sleep, but...

If you have small kids, instead of them getting up at 6 they'll now be arising at 5 for the next three weeks. Good luck.

And it gets dark at like 2. That's fine for hookers but for the rest of us it's damn depressing.

Maybe in protest I just won't change the clocks back. Unlike voting on Tuesday this isn't something I have to do.

I also draw cartoons...

It's picture day. I've also dabbled in cartooning. Here is a pen & ink drawing of the movie AMERICAN GRAFFITI I made several years ago. I used real sophisticated equipment to capture this photo -- my iPhone, which I'm still learning how to use. Hope it looks okay. Or that you can see it at all. If you can't recognize any of the caricatures it's the iPhone's fault.

My idea for a really cool slasher movie

The Friday question will return next week but this is Halloween!
I must admit I never got into those slasher movies. Seems to me they’re all the same story. The popular kids who were too good to ever go out with you in high school all frolic off to a cabin for some holiday and some disfigured skeesix in a goalie’s mask terrorizes and one-by-one graphically slices them up. Yes, it’s grizzly and horrible but isn’t that sorta what they deserve? Would it kill them to agree to dance with us just once??

Then there’s a sequel where the ones that survived go BACK to the cabin. You’d think maybe they’d hit the MTV beach house the next winter break instead?

And there’s always the backstory explaining how the psychopath became a killer…such as he was a bed wetter or flunked out of Benhinana Chef school.

I have what I believe is a great idea for a slasher movie. I’m sharing it because I’ve had it registered (in other words, you can’t steal it!!!). But it seems to me the key to this genre is creating a truly terrifying slasher. My idea is to hire Gordon from SESAME STREET as the psychopath. Can you imagine how disturbing THAT would be to anyone who grew up with that show?

“You didn’t eat your vegetables!” “AAAAAAAA!!!” Slice! Hack!

“Can you spell ‘help’?” “H-E-L-AAAAAAAAAAA!!” Stab! Slit!

“One of these limbs is not like the others!” Chop!

“Today I’m brought to you by the letters D.O.A.!!”

I can hear the screams now. Freddie and Jason and Chucky, eat (or cut) your hearts out. Plus, I’ve got the sequel all storyboarded. Only this time it’s Maria.

Happy Halloween, kids.

The perfect gift!

Sure Halloween is coming. But it’s never too early to start your holiday shopping. However, finding that perfect gift for that special someone -- that can be a chore. It must be personal, impressive, and something that conveys your true feelings of love for them.

Might I make a suggestion?

Here in Los Angeles, where good taste and subtlety reigns supreme, the L.A. County Coroner’s office has a gift shop. It’s a natural! Who ever visits the L.A. County Coroner’s office and doesn’t want a souvenir? So you can stop by Skeletons in the Closet and browse through their amazing selection.

And the news gets even better. They have a website. You can order on line!

You thought I was just making this up, didn’t ya?

Some gifts you might want to consider (all from their “Earthly Remains" Collection):

Toe Tag Keychains

Chalk Outline Welcome Mats

Body Bags

Foot Keychains

Coroner BBQ Aprons

Body Shaped Post Its

Miniature Skulls

“Stay Cool” Magnets (get it?)

Coroner Briefcases

Parts Cutting Mats (not sure what that is but I want one)

And of course: DEATH IN PARADISE: An illustrated history of the Los Angeles Coroner’s Office. Now in paperback!

Nothing says you care like Foot Keychains. There is no greater expression of love than Coroner BBQ Aprons. So make this a Christmas she’ll remember. Trust me, every time she sees a dead body she’ll think of you.

Misc-takes

I haven’t done this in awhile. Just a bunch of random thoughts worth maybe a sentence at best.
For those of you still “undecided”, what the hell else do you need to know? Paula Abdul in a $150,000 wardrobe is running for Vice-President.

The height of insanity: Lionsgate is calling agencies around town seeking a showrunner for MAD MEN if they can't make a deal with creator Matt Weiner. Uh, guys... without Matt Weiner there IS no show.

Big night of television on Wednesday! Barack Obama then 3 1/2 innings of the World Series.

People not familiar with the Tampa Bay Rays until this last week didn’t know that Drew Carey is their manager.

Will Bono’s humanitarian efforts ever cease? Here he is selflessly giving of his time on St. Tropez counseling teenagers. No wonder he's respected the world over.

PAGE SIX had a huge exclusive recently! Citing someone who went through Mary-Louise Parker’s trash they report that she takes thyroid medicine. There’s no Christy Brinkley trial to cover?

Guy Richie reports his marriage with Madonna fell apart once she started going to the gym. She would schedule sex around workouts. But it wasn’t clear if it was her workouts or Alex Rodriguez’s.

This is why Tim McCarver is the best TV analyst in the business:

"Blanton is the type of pitcher that Pena and Longoria can break out of their streaks of because he's standardized. He's not left handed and he doesn't have the stuff that Brett Myers has.”

And who can sum up the World Series situation better than McCarver?

"If the Rays lose tonight, they will not, I mean they will, they will face elimination tomorrow night". Again, it’s why he’s the best.

Why do we even need movie critics when HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 is a boxoffice smash?

The Tampa Bay Rays have the best radio broadcast team in MLB. Andy Freed and Dave Wills are so good I used to listen to them last year, when their club was the worst in baseball.

The Ex-List has been X'd from CBS. The premise: Elizabeth Reaser as a 30-something woman who's told by a psychic that she must wed within a year or never and her Mr. Right is among her former boyfriends. Audiences didn't take to the idea of someone stupid enough to base their entire life on what some psychic says.

Patrick Goldstein in the LA Times (I think he's still there. They fire people left and right) argues that there should be an Oscar for Best Comedy since comedies never earn any respect. Academy President, Sid Ganis (producer of the classic DUECE BIGELOW series) said that's not necessary. A good comedy can easily be considered. The last comedy to win Best Picture: ANNIE HALL. 30 years ago. He's right. It happens all the time.

Network viewing during the 10 PM hour is way down. They blame DVR’s. People catch up on shows they’ve recorded earlier in the evening so they’re watching those and not the 10 PM fare. But if the 10 PM shows were worth watching wouldn’t DVR users record them as well and just catch up later?

The 82 game NBA pre-season has begun. They play four months to eliminate the Clippers and one other team then start seven rounds of playoffs.

Headline of the week: from the BBC – Man's arm trapped in train toilet

Netflix pick of the month: DINER

Yes, I see the irony. Yesterday I’m ranting about movie critics and here I am reviewing a movie. But part of the fun of this blog is (a) being a hypocrite, and (b) having the forum to recommend offbeat things you guys might enjoy. DINER is my Neflix Pick of the Month.
It’s Barry Levinson’s first and best film. He’s certainly done others that are good (e.g. the NATURAL), but none that are as heartfelt, hilarious, or real as DINER. His subsequent work is marked with a real Hollywood slickness that is refreshingly absent in this debut effort.

Every moment rings true.

DINER (released in 1982), is set in Baltimore in 1959 – a longtime favorite place and time of moviegoers everywhere. It’s also semi-autobiographical. Levinson had the good fortune to grow up with some wonderfully colorful characters. If I tried to do the same movie based on my friends you’d be watching five geeks bitching about how they can’t get their SANFORD & SON specs read.

Storywise, it’s a series of subplots that wrap around each other like a helix. Imagine AMERICAN GRAFFITI with Jews. But the focus is the diner where these guys just hang out. And the improvised scenes of them bullshitting about absolutely nothing are more riveting and entertaining than all the Michael Bay action sequences combined. Paul Reiser has never been better, possibly because his character was supposed to never shut up.

The ensemble cast was pitch perfect, even Steve Guttenberg. For those not familiar with Mr. Guttenberg, he was the Seth Rogen of his day (but not nearly as funny). For about a ten-year period he was in every movie ever produced save for Merchant-Ivory epics. He plays a guy about to get married but won’t finalize the engagement until his fiancé passes a written exam on the history of his beloved Baltimore Colts. I loved the movie for that subplot alone.

Newcomer Mickey Rourke, plays “Boogie”, a real life Fonzie. I got to know the actual Boogie (Leonard Weinglass) when I broadcast for the Orioles. In the late 60s he opened a woman’s clothing store chain called Merry-Go-Round and made a fortune. He later combined it with a diner. Name me a better combination than summer tops and chili fries.

There’s also Kevin Bacon but he was in every ensemble cast, which is why you can play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” and somehow link him to Cheetah the Chimp in only five moves. Daniel Stern, Tim Daly, and Ellen Barkin also deserve shout-outs.

DINER almost makes you wish you were part of that group; that you too squandered your entire youth eating patty melts and arguing over Sinatra’s discography. I can think of no higher praise for a movie… especially one set in Baltimore.

You can now buy my book... for one cent

IT'S GONE... NO, WAIT A MINUTE... is now available on Amazon for one cent!!! Don't wait for the price to be reduced even more. You can order here. I wonder if they'll allow installment payments.

Roger Ebert reviews a movie after watching only 8 minutes of it

There was a movie released in 1975 called AT LONG LAST LOVE. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich (who was allowed to make movies back then) it was a musical with Cole Porter songs inexplicably sung by the astonishingly tone-deaf Cybil Shepherd. My partner David and I were in a full theatre watching this jaw-dropping spectacle. After about an hour and fifteen minutes of this David shouted out, “Wait! It gets better!” The entire audience exploded in laughter.

We walked out of the theatre (okay – ran) and commiserated over the poor movie critics who had to sit through this and every film all the way through. I couldn’t do it. I even once walked out of a movie I had worked on. But reviewers need to stick it out.

You would think.

Roger Ebert (a critic I admire) recently admitted to writing his review on the indie feature TRU LOVED after watching only eight minutes of it. Thumbs down, Roger! If that had been AT LONG LAST LOVE you wouldn’t have even seen the first duet between Cybil and her virtuoso singing co-star, Burt Reynolds.

It seems to me Roger has now committed both cardinal sins of film criticism – hosting an Oscar red carpet show and reviewing a movie without seeing it (granted the first sin is worse). What does this do for his credibility and the credibility of his judgement-passing brethren? People often mistrust reviewers anyway. Does Jeffrey Lyons love every single movie he’s ever seen just so he can get his name and blurb in every ad?

For a night of Levine & Isaacs one-act plays a number of years ago, the critic for Variety knitted during the entire performance. But at least he was there. And he stayed till the end. And he finished his muffler.

Gone are the days of Pauline Kael and film criticism as art itself. You may have disagreed with her but you had to admire the thought and effort she poured into each review, even MOONRAKER.

By the way, Ms. Kael had this to say about AT LONG LAST LOVE:

“Peter Bogdanovich's stillborn musical comedy-a relentlessly vapid pastiche of 30s Art Deco romantic-mixup movies.”

So unlike David and I, she liked it.

I wonder, are the standards of reviewing so much lower these days because the movies are too? THE LOVE GURU got a few raves. I’m not saying that all critics are bad. There are a few still like to read. Elvis Mitchell in the NY Times, Carina Chocano in the LA Times, and the guy from Screw magazine (he doesn’t list his name).

But for me there is only one standout. Thank goodness for Anthony Lane in the New Yorker. Incisive, detailed, sometimes scholarly, and devastatingly funny, Anthony Lane is my only must-read critic. And from what I understand, he not only sits through every movie he reviews, he sits through it twice.

Two thumbs up.

My show tonight on KABC radio

Our guests on the Sunday Night Sports Final on KABC and the internet will be...

Oh, crap. I forgot to book guests.

You're welcome to listen anyway. 7 -10 PM PDT. Talkradio 790 in LA. and here on that web thing the kids are all talking about.

Why I loved lloyd Thaxton

I mentioned the passing of Lloyd Thaxton a few weeks ago. Here is a sample of his work.

FREE TACOS!!!

That’s right! Because someone stole a base in game one of the World Series (you’d know this if you watched) Taco Bell will give a free taco to anyone who shows up at one of their stands this Tuesday afternoon from 2 – 6. (Thanks to media writer Tom Holfarth for the heads-up. This offer must’ve occurred just after I fell asleep listening to Tim McCarver explain something he had explained 50,000 times already… that night.)

You notice that Taco Bell’s promotion doesn’t reward you for coming through in the clutch, or a double-play (that requires teamwork and cooperation). No, it celebrates STEALING. Nice. Muy bueno.

So how many free tacos do you think they’re going to give away? One report says as high as 2.75 million (roughly twice the number of people who watched MAD MEN each week – another sad commentary on America).

But the big question is: what is to prevent someone from eating a free taco and then going to another Taco Bell location and getting a second freebie? Why that would be STEALING, wouldn’t it? But TB has that covered. According to the fine print in the contract:

Participating Taco Bell restaurant manager reserves the right to deny Free Taco to any person he/she reasonably believes has already received a Free Taco or has engaged in any other fraudulent activity.

Oh really?

Just how does a Taco Bell manager determine who has already had a savory free taco? I suppose if the customer enters doubled-over that would be a clue. Or his breath stinks. Or he is anyone they recognize from THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB. But if Republicans can find ways for people to vote more than once, I’m sure mooching an extra gratis taco shouldn’t be that hard.

And what do they consider to be other fraudulent activity? Not eating the taco yourself but using it to trap mice? Re-selling it on eBay?

I’ll be interested to see how this Free Taco promotion plays out. Hey, it might help us really determine the extent of the financial crisis. If you see Sumner Redstone in line you know we are all in deep deep shit.