Friday, October 24, 2008


That’s right! Because someone stole a base in game one of the World Series (you’d know this if you watched) Taco Bell will give a free taco to anyone who shows up at one of their stands this Tuesday afternoon from 2 – 6. (Thanks to media writer Tom Holfarth for the heads-up. This offer must’ve occurred just after I fell asleep listening to Tim McCarver explain something he had explained 50,000 times already… that night.)

You notice that Taco Bell’s promotion doesn’t reward you for coming through in the clutch, or a double-play (that requires teamwork and cooperation). No, it celebrates STEALING. Nice. Muy bueno.

So how many free tacos do you think they’re going to give away? One report says as high as 2.75 million (roughly twice the number of people who watched MAD MEN each week – another sad commentary on America).

But the big question is: what is to prevent someone from eating a free taco and then going to another Taco Bell location and getting a second freebie? Why that would be STEALING, wouldn’t it? But TB has that covered. According to the fine print in the contract:

Participating Taco Bell restaurant manager reserves the right to deny Free Taco to any person he/she reasonably believes has already received a Free Taco or has engaged in any other fraudulent activity.

Oh really?

Just how does a Taco Bell manager determine who has already had a savory free taco? I suppose if the customer enters doubled-over that would be a clue. Or his breath stinks. Or he is anyone they recognize from THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB. But if Republicans can find ways for people to vote more than once, I’m sure mooching an extra gratis taco shouldn’t be that hard.

And what do they consider to be other fraudulent activity? Not eating the taco yourself but using it to trap mice? Re-selling it on eBay?

I’ll be interested to see how this Free Taco promotion plays out. Hey, it might help us really determine the extent of the financial crisis. If you see Sumner Redstone in line you know we are all in deep deep shit.


Anonymous said...

If you see Sumner Redstone in line you know we are all in deep deep shit.

Or if Alan Greenspan in line for the third time, wearing an Orthodox rabbi getup.

Anonymous said...

You wouldn't happen to be a member of Acorn, would you. Here in Chicago, the motto is, "Vote early, vote often". Which is why the democrats have been running the city for the past 40 years or so. "A" republican learned how to vote twice. Wow, maybe you should check out fine state of Ohio, where you can live in any other state and still vote there.

Anonymous said...

I have it on good authority that Taco Bell will insert RIFID chips into each of the free Taco Bell tacos. If you attempt to go to another Taco Bell and get another free Taco Bell taco, the RIFID will trigger an alarm the moment you enter the Taco Bell restaurant. At that point, several para-military Taco Bell security officers will wrestle you to the floor. A black Taco Bell bag will be placed over your head, your hands will be bound (with Taco Bell tape), and you will be taken to a special Taco Bell re-education camp. There, special Taco Bell "Taco Buddies" will reprogram you. Upon your release, the only fast food you will ever purchase again will be from Taco Bell. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that I have been paid by Taco Bell or their parent corporation to include the name "Taco Bell" in this comment as many times as possible.

And don't forget to try the new Taco Bell Triple Steak Burrito, available now at a Taco Bell near you.

Anonymous said...

It’s going to be sort of like those hospital bracelets they make you wear to get back into a club. The ones that apparently serve the dual function of actually becoming a hospital bracelet after you wig out on the ecstasy (Methylenedioxymethamphetamine for those of you who prefer the generic).

After you receive your first free taco, TB scratches the letter “B” into your cheek – backwards so the counterman can see you coming in the mirror. They were going to scratch “TB,” but didn’t want to remind anybody how contagious and transmittable anything you could pick up there might be.

Anonymous said...

Hey, they're just saying "Free Taco". That doesn't mean they have to put much of anything inside the free ones.

Dana King said...

After listening to me bitch every time McCarver opened his mouth during Game One, my beloved Spousal Equivalent finally asked if there was anything he could say that I liked.

"Sure," I said. "My heart! My heart!"

And TBS's Ron Darling is almost as bad. This year's Darling Prize: Pitchers hate two out hits because they can extend an inning.

yatesy said...

personally i wish joe buck would spontanteously (sp?) combust. i hate that guy with the power of a thousand exploding suns. his dad must be rolling over in his grave.

Mary Stella said...

Does McCarver seem to be favoring the Rays over the Phillies?

Maybe he's harboring a grudge.

Starting tonight, I'll pay $4.95 to hear the rest of the W.S. games called over and turn the sound off on my television.

McCarver for nine innings detracts from my enjoyment of my Phillies actually playing in the World Series again. Even if we have difficulty getting a man past third base.

Not to be confused with my recent dating history.

By Ken Levine said...

There are alternatives to Tim McCarver. ESPN radio features the great Jon Miller doing the play-by-play.

And if you have XM or MLB.COM might I recommend the local broadcasts? Harry Kalas & company do a terrific job for the Phillies.

And Andy Freed and Dave Wills, the Rays radio team are the best tandem in the game. Check them out.

yatesy said...

i can deal with mccarver, but man, buck is just too much. but ken, you are right, kalas and the gang are awesome on the radio. i wish mlb would have the hometown tv crew do each world series game. how awesome would that be?

Anonymous said...

XM has the Series with the Rays' feed, the Phils' feed, the ESPN feed, the Spanish-language feed and even (Mel Karmazin had to have gotten this one gratis) the Japanese-language feed. Which is still more informative than when Buck and/or McCarver get into their windbag pontifications (I'm just glad Buck won't be doing the Giants-Steelers game today).

Cap'n Bob said...

As you are enjoying those tasty tacos remember that you're ingesting USDA Grade E beef with coloring added to make it look red. I assume the screening process TB will employ to weed out taco abusers will reflect the same one the postal employees use to stem the tide of letter bombs--a steely stare and inane questions.

McCarver and Buck. Just saying the names summons images of other great teams: Burns & Allen, Abbott & Costello, Laurel & Hardy, Sandler & Young. I can imagine the executive thinking that went on before they were hired. "Sam, I need a white guy who is as fatuous as Joe Morgan. No, by god, get me two of them!" I've thought of playing the radio during the broadcasts, but so much happens on the screen that doesn't jibe with what the radio announcer is saying that I feel lost in the space-time continuum.

Yeah, the democrats never get any dishonest votes. The dead people who voted for Washington's current governor (who won by 133 votes) were all bona fide voters. Once.

Tallulah Morehead said...

I'm just home from enjoying my free taco, and it was yummy. I loved the notice, printed out by a home computer on three-hole binder paper, saying "Courtesy Water ONLY for PAYING customers!" politely taped to the cash registers. As if I'd drink water. I brought my own vodka, thank you.

My gardener's son Eduardo took me, and then I came home for a munch on his seven-inch burrito. It isn't free, but worth every penny. Eduardo never gives me a "Soft Taco".

Regarding the "Dead Voters" issue that has somehow entered this "Free Tacos!" discussion. Why should the dead be denied their voting rights? Such vile discrimination.

Dead people have been shunned throughout history. In Colonial America dead people were forced to go about wearing scarlet “D”s sewn onto their clothes. Even today dead people are legally discriminated against in all fifty states!

Think about it! The moment you die you lose all civil rights, you are stripped of your property, you are even forbidden to marry or have sex! It's barbaric!

You probably think of death as something that only happens to other people. You thoughtlessly say hurtful things like: “I don't mind living near a cemetery, but I wouldn't want my sister to marry a dead guy.” But just wait until someone you know dies, then you'll see the way they are oppressed.

As I get ever older I become ever more concerned about our society’s treatment of the dead. And, as the grave beckons, I grow ever more hopeful to meet some hot necrophiliacs. Some day, it will be necrophilia or no sex at all!

This is why I have always campaigned tirelessly for dead rights. In fact I was the Grand Marshall of the very first Dead Pride Parade at Forest Lawn’s first annual Dead Pride Festival. Someday you'll wish you had done more, trust me.

May I remind you that nearly all of the greatest men and women in history are dead? Remember, being dead doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you smell bad.

Cheers darlings