Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The cause of Global Warming. Put down that pie!

Get out your aerosol spray cans, they’re not the problem after all!! Scientists now know the real cause of Global Warming.

Fat people.

Well, maybe not all scientists, but certainly Dr. Phil Edwards of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine – one of the more prestigious of the institutions that combines two random names. “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler” the I-assume-slender Dr. Edwards contends.

Each obese person is said to be responsible for emitting a TON more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than a thin one. Do the math. That’s an extra BILLION TONS of CO2 a year.

Phillip Morris may be killing you but Sara Lee is killing the world.

And it doesn’t stop there. Since heavyset people tend to exercise less they drive more, which is another major cause of carbon emissions.

So a hefty person who buys a Supersize meal from the drive-through window is personally responsible for melting polar ice caps. I hope it was worth it.

Hey, producers of 24 – there’s your storyline for next season. McDonalds is introducing one-pounders. Jack has 24 hours to blow up the central slaughterhouse.

The US and Great Britain are two biggest offending nations. They’re both getting fatter by the decade. So the next time you hit that cake stall hard during high tea at Harrod's just know that every finger pastry destroys another rain forest.

And of course the ultimate irony is this: Al Gore has been on a personal campaign to make the world aware of Global Warming. But since he won for President (and wasn’t allowed to serve) he’s picked up a few LB's himself. Al Gore is part of the problem!

That said, his movie, INCONVENIENT TRUTH. is a disturbing cautionary tale that should be seen by everyone. Just don’t go to the concession stand for a tub of popcorn, 64 ounce Coke, and four boxes of Snow Caps. Those Snow Caps may be the last anyone on earth ever sees.


Emily Blake said...

Jesus, fat people. Put down that damned moon pie! You're killing us all!

i'm not so and so said...

Society is cool with Al Gore fat, Russell Crowe fat, but not cool with Kirstie Alley fat, or, say, Monica Lewinsky fat.
In other words, if you've got a penis and you're a fatty: No problem. Buuuuut, if you have a vagina and you're fat: Everybody's got a problem with you.

Tim W. said...

Apparently for every fifty pounds a man gains, they lose an inch of length on their penis, so I'm pretty sure fat men like Russell Crowe and Al Gore have their own things to worry about.

In case you're wondering I learned this from a guy who lost 100 Lbs and told me the reverse- for every fifty pounds a man loses, he gains an inch. I've been on a strict diet and exercise regimen ever since.

YEKIMI said...

I heard it was for every 30 pounds. So I plan on losing 240 what if I only weigh 185, I want that extra length!

By Ken Levine said...

If this is true imagine how big Ron Jeremy once was.

cb said...

nice blow...

Anonymous said...

yeah man, no fat chicks.

growingupartists said...

Interesting you bring this up, as I saw it just the opposite. My thinking is that the earth is creating deserts left and right, which brings to mind sand. Bet you thought I'd say pineapples. I didn't.

And sand brings to mind, at least when you have a diabetic daughter like I do (type 1), sugar molecules aimlessly floating through her blood vessels, tearing up the insides. It's a beautiful process, how sweet sugar destroys innocence. Like sand.

So I was thinking, as I watched EARTH yesterday and suddenly understood everything I never learned in biology. Can't wait to own that baby on DVD, happen to know when it's coming out? They never announce that after the movie, probably a good idea, but still.

I thought if sand was akin to sugar molecules, abrasive, and probably restorative to the earth some how, in like a new beginning sort of way. Then perhaps all these people with diabetes (type 2) aren't actually just fat people with no self control, or just depressed about work, life and marriage.

But instead, they are speaking FOR the earth. Projecting that we will have a drought that will kill us all. Thank god for fat people, right? Messengers.

zadig said...

Um, OK, I really just skimmed Ken's article, but does anybody know where I can get that burger in the picture? Mmmmmmmm, four layers of pure beefy goodness with all the fixins.

Sorry, got distracted there. What were we talking about again?

Ricky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ricky said...

What if your penis itself weighs 240 pounds??? What then?

YEKIMI said...

Then I'd probably be a Sperm whale.

Cap'n Bob said...

Sounds like Michael Moore and Al Gore should sign up for The Biggest Loser. The winner gets to burn the loser at the stake using his documentaries for fuel.
That shrinking penis thing also concerns age. So if you're over 50 and overweight you better hope you started out in double digits.

WV: nolips. a candidate for botox

A. Buck Short said...

"What if your penis itself weighs 240 pounds??? What then?"
"Then I'd probably be a Sperm whale.
Well there you go, apparently it is possible to be both fat and small boned. Mopy Dick. I know it’s a little late to start apologizing for the length of an only marginally-related commentary, but it’s so infrequent that I am provided with a setup to free-associate on a subject of genuine expertise, marine biology.

Not that anyone asked, but, for example, did you know the formal name for a whale penis is dork? I am not making this up – just Google "dork, whale penis." (Caution, you must Google all 3 words." Due to the hyper-presence of individuals in the field of information technology embracing the sobriquet dork, the word alone would yield too many false positives.) Unclear if dork is descriptive, a formal designation, or simply just another one of those pet names so many of us are want to christen our own peni? Or in extremely rare cases, someone elses's; but I’d rather not go there. We’ll check with the boys and the twins and get back to you on that. and the twins, and get back to you on that.

Awhile ago, Animal Planet did refer to the 5’6" penis of a Gray Whale as a dork. In doing so, they failed to specify whether 5’6" was the average size for a Gray Whale penis, or the largest dork ever recorded by Guinness. Either way, the question is probably moot until somebody succeeds in catching a Black Whale.

The one thing we all do know is that like Ken Levine, all whales are mammals. Because we are informed so in every single TV news story that has ever been done about a whale. Can you think of a single other vertebrate identified with this frequency of specificity by class? I understand Strunk and White’s broadcast style book actually mandates the mammalian designation, especially if one has already employed the actual word "whale" earlier in the piece. The mandatory second reference being "the huge mammal."

The learned among you must also know that, being mammals, all whales are required to mate completely out of the water. This is obviously no easy task, even consulting an extremely large copy of the Kama Sutra. Being so plus-sized and all, both participants obviously require a really good running start. The Fe-whale starting out somewhere around Cabo San Lucas. The He-whales generally congregate off Greenland -- or the older ones, at fern bars. Swimming toward each other with a good head of steam, the Fe-whale is frequently accompanied by a friend with a great personality.

To be honest, the Fe-whale doesn’t even feel like sex until she rounds Cape Horn. (What, you thought it was named after the shape of the continent down there?) In contrast the He-whale always wants sex. "Listen, they’re playing our whale song. Or is that Kenny G?”

The pair swim faster and faster until they collide somewhere off the coast of Argentina with such enormous force both are propelled completely out of the ocean, fuse momentarily in passion, then plunge backward in one of those slow motion sequences that indicates nobody really got hurt.

“That’s it? Some leviathan you are,” she says. “You call that a surge? Even for Bush it would be only a phased withdrawal. Ten thousand miles for this? And he calls himself a lover!" The He-whale complains, “I needed this like a hole in the head,” then goes out for pizza with two toppings -- plankton and krill. So the Fe-whale is reduced to text messaging her friend Marge, blubbering something about "& no X-it strat-e-G Ethr."

Pretty certain you can actually see all this at Sea World from the VIP section, but there’s a cover and two drink minimum. We should qualify this. There’s no right way for whales to get busy -- unless, of course you happen to be a Right Whale. For example at the Israeli Sea World, Schlomu, the killer whale – incidentally boasting the world’s only circumcised dork -- must also frequently provide jewelry – and even then still has to beg for it

One parting observation. Size isn’t everything. When it comes to gift-giving, the whale does not have the world’s most popular penis. That singular honor belongs to the walrus. If you’ve ever been to Alaska, you know that the petrified penis of a walrus –- known as an oosik -- can reach up to 3 feet in length and remains one of the state’s more coveted souvenirs and gift items. No, I am not making this up either; Google that word too. Rumor has it the name oosik may be related to the embarrassing sound made when neither walrus employs sufficient lubricant. Either way, in PalinWorld they treasure these suckers like Faberge eggs.

So you are now asking yourself, being at least two feet shorter than a whale’s, how did the petrified walrus penis come to be the world’s most popular? The short answer is better agent. The more probable one is location, location, location. A petrified walrus penis can be harvested relatively easily on land -- at least from a dead walrus. Wouldn't want to try that with a live one – again. In contrast, for a whale’s, you need a huge boat -- like Oracle’s Larry Ellison or Microsoft’s Paul Allen – a pair of real world class dorks. A boat they just know is bigger than anybody else’s. A boat that stands for something – and by now I think we all know what it stands for. Whatever turns you on.

Mary Stella said...

A Buck Short, that is one funny whale sex riff. I work at a dolphin facility and actually knew about dork.

Even though dolphins are small whales, they don't have to mate out of the water.

There are more fascinating facts about cetacean sex, but I don't know if I can say it on a family blog -- which is my way of copping out and being a chicken sh*t. :-)