Sunday, April 26, 2009

This is why you need to follow me on TWITTER

Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.

Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Going out for magazines.

Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?

Okay. Starting to take the stuff.

Ugggghhh! It tastes terrible. Mood: Irritable.

Thinking of a Staycation this year. Any suggestions where I could stay?

It’s been a half hour. When is this stuff supposed to work?

45 minutes. Still nothing.

53 minutes and counting.

An hour. What’s the deal???

Just filled out my All-Star ballot.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I can breathe. Whew.


It’s working.

8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like… wait a minute….


How long is this supposed to last?

Oh Christ! I forgot. Today’s the day we scheduled an OPEN HOUSE here.

Dennis Franz. That’s who 8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like.

No, you can’t see the bathroom! It’s currently occupied!

I would trade my Emmy right now for a Tums.

Wow, there are a lot of ads in VANITY FAIR.

Bowel mood: very irritable.

Hey my legs have gone to sleep. Has that ever happened to you?

There are eight people walking through my house. I almost knocked one down during the last urge.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m in hell.


Thanks you guys. Hearing your colonoscopy stories have really helped. LOL.

It’s been three hours.

And two rolls.

No offers on the house yet.

How stupid am I part two? Choosing to do this on the day of the TOP CHEF marathon?

Okay. I think the worst is over.


Seriously. Someone. Kill me.

Oh great. My real estate agent just dumped me. For some reason she feels my house doesn’t “show well”.

I’m whipped. Better get some sleep. But here’s the good news: I convinced the doctor to just give me a local. So I’m bringing my laptop and you can expect tweets during the procedure. Please check back every five minutes.


Betty from RE/MAX said...

I’m at the gynecologist. Catch me on Twatter.

Rhonda Schneider said...

I had first colonoscopy a couple weeks ago. When the nurse was putting the IV into my arm to knock me our, I tried to relax my nerves, and started singing "I Wanna Be Sedated." The doctor (a guy in his late 30's, I think) got a big smile on his face and said "I have that on my iPod, wanna hear it?" So I was knocked out to The Ramones. That young doctor has good musical taste.

Tim W. said...

I think Twitter was invented so people with a life would have something else to make fun of.

Anonymous said...

Having to have a colonoscopy 4 years in a row I can sympathize with you. After downing the "liquid volcano in a bottle" I figured I would have at least a 30-45 minutes of peace and be able to walk home from my mom's place to my apartment.....WRONG! I was halfway home when the rumblings began and I bet I would have outrun Carl Lewis as I sprinted home as fast as I could before all hell broke loose.[It's hard to run when you're trying to keep your butthole slammed shut so you can get to the toilet], I went through 7 pairs of underwear, an ENTIRE 12 pack of toilet paper and screaming so loud that deaf people were complaining about the noise. I did not know the human intestinal track was capable of holding so much "stuff", I swear I crapped out stuff that I ate back in the 1980s. My backside was glowing so brightly red from the friction of stuff exiting me at warp 15 you could have used it as a lighthouse beacon. What I would have paid for a 24 pack of Popsicle bomb pops to shove up there to cool things down! Turns out the colonoscopy was the easy part and I REALLY liked the Demerol and other stuff they gave me.

By Ken Levine said...

Before I get fifty other readers sharing their personal colonoscopy story, I must admit this piece is completely fictional -- a satire on how ridiculously personal and inappropriate a lot of tweets are.

A. Buck Short said...

Or is it that the four-camera colonoscopy in front of a live audience with 140 characters is still cost-prohibitive to produce?

D. McEwan said...

dootoiSo Twitter is all a LIE?

Just saw the M*A*S*H reunion on the TV LAND awards. Loretta's character should now be called "Flaccid Lips." They've been inflated and deflated so many times, they just look weird. She has not aged well, and I sspoe with her in person just three years ago, so whatever it is, it's accelerating.

But she looks better than Bea Arthur.

Now about my colonoscopy...

D. McEwan said...

sorry about "tootoi"

I hadn't noticed the damn page had moved my WV into the message

D. McEwan said...

and "sspoe" is supposed to be "spoke".

clearly I need to go to bed. Night. Night. Wait. I should Tweet that.

Jack Ruttan said...

I bet Susan Boyle will age well. At least relatively speaking...

Paul Duca said...

So...does that mean you also aren't actually selling your house>

Tony Mariani said...

Ken, I found this post about Dave Barry and his colonoscopy and just maybe you want to a little more description of your journey.

Lane said...

Susan Boyle is Bob Hoskins in drag

Anonymous said...

MERCENARY LIFE. ha. Ken, you fucking kill me.

A. Buck Short said...

KEN LEVINE said...
before I get fifty other readers sharing their personal colonoscopy story, I must admit this piece is completely fictional --I apologize. The correct response would have been, "Well, we can dream, can't we?"

Vermonter17032 said...

Who the fuck is Susan Boyle?

Howard Hoffman said...

Mmmmm. Phosphosoda. Turns any mortal into a human fire hose.

Makes ya do more than tweet.

Anonymous said...

But if it DID happen that way, instead of Twitter, shouldn't it be Shitter?

Craig McNamara said...

Never understood the appeal of Twitter feeds that update you on every movement or bodily function. I find it more interesting to just people evesdrop on my random thoughts on a variety of subjects, not my daily migration patterns:

AlaskaRay said...

>>Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.<<

Thank you, Rockin' Robin.


Rob said...


Rob said...

Fox is running a script writing contest.

What is your take on this? Is it just a place to have your best ideas swiped?

Mike Bell said...

Undergoing my colonoscopy...drifting in and out of my IV drip...owwwwwww

growingupartists said...

And your twitter address is...

or do I have to look it up?

Unknown said...

@anonymous: there's no Warp 15. Epic fail @ being a nerd.
@Ken: you know there's twitter for almost every mobile phone. Why carry a laptop with you?


wv: tratonfe - next year's AI winner! First name Tony

Karen said...

Okay, this is not a joke. My husband was watching me read this from another room and he brought me a box of tissues and asked what had gotten me so upset. Apparently weeping with laughter when you are reading something looks just like weeping with anguish when you are reading something. My next tweet: just finished weeping over Ken Levine's twitter parody.

Pamela Jaye said...

Watched last night's episode of Men of a Certain Age - kept thinking of this awesome post.