Sunday, August 09, 2009

"Co-ed Call Girl" and other LIFETIME movies

I found a website that lists all of the movies shown on LIFETIME. I imagine most of these are Movies of the Week made specifically for LIFETIME. You’ll notice several recurring themes. These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up. I gotta watch LIFETIME MORE.

Life Without Dick

A Woman Hunted

Bastard Out of Carolina

Co-ed Call Girl

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Dead at 17

Death of a Cheerleader (which just might be the remake of Dead at 17)

Honeymoon With Mom

Human Trafficking

I Do (but I Don’t)

I Me Wed

I’m With Lucy

Little Girls in Pretty Boxes

Miracle on the 17th Green

My Stepson, My Lover

Nora Roberts Old

Robin Cook’s Terminal

Secret Lives of Second Wives

Single White Female 2: The Psycho (as opposed to the well adjusted girl in Single White Female 1)

The Trophy Wife’s Secret

To Be Fat Like Me

Too Young to Be a Dad

7 Things to Do Before 30

Ambulance Girl (this might be a superhero movie, not sure)

Confessions of a Go-Go Girl

Hostile Makeover

Jack & Jill vs. The World

Love ‘Em, Love “Em Not Weekend

Mafia Doctor

Mom, Dad, and Her

More Sex & the Single Mom

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger

Our Son, the Matchmaker

Sex & Mrs. X

The Hunt for the Unicorn Killer

The Wives he Forgot

Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her

What if God Were the Sun?

Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastechtomy


Emily Blake said...

I have a friend who used to work from home and watch Lifetime movies while she worked during the day.

She used to IM me the plot to whatever movie she was watching with regular updates every time major plot events happened. It made my day a little more entertaining.

JewlsDeluxe said...

I'd avoid LMN like the plague. A friend of mine watches it religiously and I've seen a few of the movies with her. Pretty much 90% or more of the films are the woman in distress leaves abusive husband, finds attractive hunk in the mountains who rescues her type of crap. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than watch this dreck.

Sarah said...

These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up.

Hey Ken, you know that the writers/producers of the movie "Bastard Out of Carolina" didn't make up the title either, right? Because it was named after a book. A really popular and critically acclaimed book, that was nominated for a freaking National Book Award. I haven't seen the movie, but the book was great.

...And look, there, you made me sorta defend Lifetime! Dammit.

By Ken Levine said...

These could be be the greatest movies ever or taken from the greatest books ever -- the titles still amuse me.

TC said...

I'll admit, I'm surprised. I thought every Lifetime movie title followed the model of "Attention Getting Phrase: The (some woman's name) Story". Y'know, like "It Only Hurts When I Smile: The Joan Rivers Story". And so on.

Steven said...

My favorite Lifetime movie is Best Friends, about a woman who reconnects with a best friend after years apart. This best friend turns out to be evil and she kills practically all of her ex friend's family by putting a seemingly endless amount of poison powder in their drinks.

You'd think someone would be like, "Hey, my tea isn't supposed to look that way."

Max said...

There will probably never be a better movie title than "Mother May I Sleep With Danger." It's the Citizen Kane of Lifetime movie titles (Citizen Kane, by the way, is the Mother May I Sleep With Danger of Orson Welles' Movie Titles, but I digress.)

"A Dog Took My Face and Gave Me a Better Face to Change the World: The Celeste Cunningham Story" is also a really good title for a Lifetime movie.

Cap'n Bob said...

And don't forget, for every 4 minutes of movie you get 5 minutes of commercials.

Anonymous said...

So that makes perfect sense as to why Project Runway is now on that channel, yes indeed ...

Steph said...

Now I'd like to know how many on the list star Nancy Mckeon or Meredith Baxter Birney?

Matt Patton said...

AMBULANCE GIRL wasn't a superhero movie--it was about a freelance writer who becomes a volunteer paramedic. No abusive husbands, no sensitive hunks living shirtless in a mountain cabin. 100% Tori Spelling Free! Kathy Bates was great, but then she always is.

Anonymous said...

I saw 'To Be Fat Like Me' on one of the movie channels they have here on cable - Kaley Cuoco was much cuter in the make-up.

Oh very fucking funny - wv: portion

LouOCNY said...

AMBULANCE GIRL wasn't a superhero movie--it was about a freelance writer who becomes a volunteer paramedic. No abusive husbands, no sensitive hunks living shirtless in a mountain cabin. 100% Tori Spelling Free! Kathy Bates was great, but then she always is.

To digress even further, it was/is about Jane Stern, who, along with husband Michael, are the authors of the signature ROADFOOD series of books. And now a pretty nifty website -

Joe said...

I, personally, can readily imagine using these to supplant waterboarding.

If only we could keep the media from finding out...

Rock Golf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I agree with Max.

The "mother" of all Lifetime movie titles is "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" The fact that it starred Tori Spelling is just a bonus.

Grant said...

"The Rape or Richard Beck" for the win...

I don't think it was a lifetime original, but they still show it occasionally.

The plot from wikipedia:

Richard Beck (Richard Crenna) is a police detective who believes that rape victims are to blame for the crime. He is later raped by two of the suspects he had been chasing. Ultimately, he changes his beliefs about rape victims.

Alan Coil said...

Many of the titles may just be titles of porn movies.

Ben Scripps said...

You know what might work well here? The old fortune cookie game of adding "In Bed" to the end of any of these...

Noel Larson said...

"These are actual titles; I’m not making any of them up."

What's the fun in that? :)

Here are mine:

-"My Mom is the other Women"

-"Substitute Hooker"

-"Crack Monestary"

-"Backordered Betty"

-"Paddy the Party Priest"

Will Teullive said...

Spike is the male version of Lifetime...some upcoming projects include:

"Sloppy Seconds to You, not to Me"
"The Tramp Stamp Collector"
"Her Mom, Her Sister, Her, and I"
"It Ain't your Beauty, it's your Booty"
"I Wouldn't Hit THAT with Your Car"

By Ken Levine said...

Some of you guys are missing the point.

What's funny here is that these are ACTUAL titles.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The Lifetime Movie Channel otherwise known as the Man-Bashing Channel, is should be banned from the planet in my humble opinion. Thanks to LMN, my ex-wife found a way to torture me on an almost daily basis. Worse on weekends. 99% of all movies and shows on that channel sends the statement that all men are evil.
But on the bright side, in the divorce she took the couch that has over the years molded to fit her 220 lb. backside, perfectly.
So LMN can call the shows they televise whatever they want, give it dramatic titles and make it sound so enticing, but it's all the same. CRAP ON A STICK!

Joe said...


What's even funnier is not so much that these were actual titles (although, granted, there IS that) but that these were actual movies.

That people watched. That companies sponsored. That companies sought, as customers, the sorts of people who saw things such as "Honeymoon with Mom."

WVW - Mingsary= The day when you celebrate the arrival of Ming the Merciless.

Kirk said...

I may be missing the point. Aren't those the two aunts from SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH? Were they in a Lifetime movie?

Tom Quigley said...

Gee, I'm wondering now if LMN might be interested in something I've been working on: "Step-Granddaddy Showed Me His Oscar" (based on a true story)....

Noel Larson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Noel Larson said...

It would be a great game show/SNL bit though: "Pick the real Lifetime Movie"

These movies are what happens to television when the "Very Special Episode of Blossom" is just too long and juicy to cut...that being said, GI JOE made $50MM this weekend.

bevo said...

Life without Dick on Lifetime Movie Network? That's brilliant. I can die a complete person now.

John said...

Ken had you known the "Frasier" re-runs were going to end up on Lifetime, it would have been fun to craft an episode just using some of these movie title names in the linking title segments (I would have loved to have seen what a segment entitles "Hostile Makeover" would have looked like).

Anna said...

"Bastard out of Carolina" is/was an incredible, critically acclaimed film with some big-name stars (Jena Malone, Jennifer Jason Leigh, etc). I don't think it was a Lifetime original movie, but I could be wrong.

SharoneRosen said...

Love the titles! The fact that they are all real is hilarious! I think "Why I wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy" sounds like a Judy Bloom title!

WV:, I can't... Ken will be slapped with a porn designation again... everyone, insert your own joke here silently while I scream aloud

jbryant said...

Grant: You had a typo: it's "The Rape OF Richard Beck."

That's actually a solid ABC TV movie from 1985. Richard Crenna won an Emmy for it.

Anonymous said...

I am trying to find the name of a movie, I think its a lifetime. It has the song by the Police "ill be watching you" Its about a woman that stalks men and seduces them, she was in a mental hospital, then they let her out and she stalks a soap star. Any clues?