Thursday, November 17, 2011

My idea for how they should end MAD MEN

Matthew Weiner, the brilliant creator of MAD MEN, said earlier this week that he plans for the show’s saga to end in 2011. This could be the final scene from that final episode.


85-year-old Don Draper has just emerged from an iron lung. 72-year-old Peggy is there.

DON: Where are my cigarettes?

PEGGY: You shouldn’t be smoking, Don.

DON: Don? Is that my name?

PEGGY: Well, that and Dick Whitman.

DON: Jesus Christ! I can’t remember one name. And now I have to remember two?

PEGGY: The doctor said you have to give up smoking and stop proposing to the nurses.

DON: I need to be in a relationship. That’s the only way I can experience inner peace. Ask my eleven ex-wives.

PEGGY: Believe me, I’ve had long conversations with the other ten.

DON: Where’s Sally? Why hasn’t she come to visit me? After all the nurturing and comfort I gave her as a child!

PEGGY: Don or Dick, you remember. She’s serving a life sentence for killing her mother.

DON: Oh. Right. Y’know, I still keep a picture of Betty. It’s right there on my nightstand.

PEGGY: It’s hard to recognize her with all that blood.

DON: She’ll always be my little “Exhibit A”.

PEGGY: You’re lucky she wasn’t executed.

DON: She was. Shot point blank. They still talk about it at Gelsons.

PEGGY: No. I mean Sally. She should have gotten the chair.

DON: Well, Governor Pete Campbell owed me a favor. Where’s Roger? How come he never visits me?

PEGGY: He’s dead.

DON: Oh. I might’ve heard that. Let me guess – he drank himself to death.

PEGGY: Yep. Christmas Day. 1968. 

DON:  Was it painful?

PEGGY: No.  He died in Joan's breasts.

DON: It’s a tragedy he wasn’t around to watch his illegitimate child with Joan grow up or see the grand opening of the new BevMo store in Alhambra.

Bobby enters with a DVD. He’s in his early 60’s.

BOBBY: Hi, Dad.

DON: Roger? Roger? Is that you? Those BevMo stores deliver!

BOBBY: No. It’s your son, Bobby.

DON: Oh. Right. Roger’s dead. I've got to put up some post-its.

BOBBY: It’s good to see you, Dad.  I brought you a movie.  BRIDESMAIDS. 

DON: Thanks.  Which Bobby are you?

BOBBY: The third one, Dad.

DON: The one who wears dresses?

BOBBY: No, that’s Bobby number two.

DON: The one who’s living on the streets?

BOBBY: No, that was Bobby number one, and he thanks you for that five-dollar check for his birthday.

PEGGY: You gave your homeless son five dollars?

DON: He was my favorite.  Joan had a nice rack, by the way.

BOBBY: No, I’m the one that opened the daycare center.

DON: Oh. Right. How’s that going?

BOBBY: Could be better. Do you remember the name of Sally’s lawyer?

DON: I need a cigarette! Or a new wife!

BOBBY: The doctors gave you strict orders: No re-marrying.

DON: I hate my life! I hate everything about my life. Do you know what it’s like to live a lie for 85 years. Well, live two lies. No, three. Eight. No more than ten. But it’s a private hell with no escape. Have I made some mistakes in my life? (CONSIDERING) No. Not really. But would I do things differently? (CONSIDERING) Well, Dick would but Don wouldn’t. Still, the point is that over all this time I’ve been searching for some meaning, some reason for it all. And I can never find it.

BOBBY: Well, surely you’ve come close.

DON: No. All I’ve come up with are metaphors and symbolism and they’re too subtle even for me. Oh well. I guess that’s what BevMo is for.

PEGGY: “That’s what BevMo is for”. Brilliant! They’ve been looking for a new slogan.

DON: Yeah. Hey, I’ve still got it!


“The Unicorn Song” by the Irish Rovers begins to play.

DON (V.O.): Hey, what’s that music? “The Unicorn Song”? What does that even mean? See, there’s that Goddamn symbolism again! Seriously, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And why is it now dark? Uh oh. Am I dead? Christ! They won’t even tell me I’m dead? Roger? Roger, are you around?  God, I  need a cigarette!



choo-choo said...

Thank god you're not in the Mad Men writer's room!

Cantara said...

Start the cameras.

bettyd said...

I read that interview on as well. It was a bit odd with his complaints about various people who offended him.
I hope he doesn't try to do something like the beautiful way that Six Feet Undo ended with the flashbacks to how all the characters died. Of course the deaths had to do with the theme of that show, but the concept was very well done. Or will it be a VO like the end of The Wonder Years?

Eric said...

I think it should end with Don eating onion rings in a diner, and being very clearly and obviously shot by a man in a Members' Only Jacket.

danrydell said...

2011? Wouldn't that mean it needs to end in the next month and a half?

Colleen Kelly Mellor said...

OK, I'm seriously killing myself laughing--or more specifically, you're killing me, making me laugh, as I imagine this scene. So damned irreverent and so 'On target." I LOVE it!!!

RCP said...

Guy in the next bed: "Oh for the love of...SUCK ON A PRUNE, DRAPER!"

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

I do hope Sally kills Betty. Preferably in the opening shot of the first scene of the upcoming season.

Helder Carvalho said...

Breaking Bad is a much, much better show than Mad Men, you should review it here on yor blog.

Unknown said...

Right Helder, because this website is all about reviews *eyeroll*

To all the people lost at sea: Ken is talking about the show's "saga", e.g. the story of the show, which started in the early 1960s.

This also means that Don would be in his 80s to 90s during the show's final episode.

David Schwartz said...

Mad Men!!!!!! Can't wait for the new season. Thanks for reminding me what a great show that is!

Mark Fearing said...

The Unicorn song by the Irish Rovers NEEDS to be in more TV and films, that's for sure.

Very funny take.


purplejilly said...

very clever and creative :)

Johnny Walker said...

Let's get Jeremy and Kimberly out again and see how it plays.

-bee said...

My guess is the end of Mad Men will have Don in a hospital bed with Peggy as his visitor and will harken back to the scene in season 1 where Don visits Peggy and gives her advice on how to deal with the situation.

If this actually comes to pass - you heard it here first!

Pete Grossman said...

Roared from your opening line: 85-year-old Don Draper has just emerged from an iron lung. Thanks! I needed that!