Sunday, August 26, 2012

Hey, guess who stopped by!

Hi, this is Babe Ruth. First I’d like to tip my cap to Ken for letting me be his guest blogger. Since he’s in Chicago calling Mariner games this weekend (you can hear him on MLB.COM, 710 ESPN Seattle, and the Mariners Radio Network), he wondered if the old Bambino had any new curses and as a matter of fact I do. So woe be to the following:

THE NEW YORK YANKEES – for vacating the house that I built for a gaudy new stadium. The Red Sox ain’t moving from Fenway  (and by the way, who needs a curse from me when the Red Sox have Bobby Valentine?). The Cubs ain’t abandoning Wrigley. The Mets are one thing – Shea was a dump. But the original Yankee Stadium was a cathedral and you don’t raze it just so you can construct luxury pews. Who approved that?  George Costanza?

HOLLYWOOD – for all those bad movies about me. William Bendix -- the guy from THE LIFE OF RILEY? And then John Goodman? Jesus Christ! Who’s next? Hillary Duff?

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS – What kind of pussy name is “Blue Jays”? How the hell is a Blue Jay supposed to strike fear in the hearts of opponents? “Blue Jays” wear pigtails and sell cookies, “Giants” stomp on people and get arrested with Mickey Rourke.

Same with…

THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM – When you think of an “angel” you don’t think some bad ass dude who’s gonna grind your guts into garters. Fuck no. You think of Nicole Kidman prancing with wood nymphs and shit. Who cares if you’re from Los Angeles, Anaheim, or California ? If your team name is “angels” your city of record is Fantasyland.

And along those lines…

THE HOUSTON ASTROS – Name me a team that cowers going in to “Minute Maid Park”. It might as well be “Summer’s Eve Stadium”. Get a better name! There are no fucking tool companies that are looking for corporate sponsorship?   And next year you’ll be in the real league so cut that shit out. 

ESPN – They get rid of the great Jon Miller but they still let Chris Berman call baseball play-by-play?   That’s like replacing me in the Yankee line up with Ann Coulter.   I smite you!

PLAYERS WHO USE STEROIDS – Talent, conditioning, proper diet, and beer isn’t enough???    Melky Cabrera may just be the dumbest son of a bitch on the planet.

CBS – for canceling ALMOST PERFECT. That Nancy Travis was a cutie. If I were 30 years younger and alive…boy!

And finally…

LADY GAGA – What the fuck is that?!

Again, thanks to Ken for letting me blog with you today. If I have anything else to add I’ll send you all a Tweet. So long everybody!


Dimension Skipper said...

What bugs me about "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" is that the translation is literally:

The The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Paul Duca said...

Mr. Bambino...if I may bring up a few points:

It's said the 1970's remodeling of Yankee Stadium took away most all of what was special about your house.
And on the subject, should the White Sox have stayed in Comiskey?
Plus a little note on your previous November Fenway Park is going to the site of something called a Spartan Race. What that means they turn the field into a mud pit and build an obstacle/race course where people compete. It's the next big thing. In fact, Dial for Men body wash has become a major corporate sponsor of the organization, which runs these things all over the world.
(since Tag, Axe and the new Old Spice have a lock on the horny 20-something male, Dial is targeting men who need their product after working or playing...and as I think you can assume, idealize them for getting that way in the first place. Check out if you don't believe me)

And speaking as a lifelong Bostonian who's not a sports fan, I'm GLAD the Red Sox have ANYTHING to blame other than you throwing a piano in a pond after performing "Tea for Two" on it.

Finally,,,'fess up about the syphilis
(as Robert Klein said "Baseball Fever-Catch It! He DIO!)

Anthony Strand said...

Good piece, but one quibble - if Babe Ruth was 30 years younger, he'd be 87.

Maybe that's why it's funny.

VinS said...

I agree with everything you said Ke - I mean Babe. Espcially about the old Yankee Stadium (I'm a Yankee fan) and ALMOST PERFECT. I still have the biggest crush on Nancy Travis.

Mike Botula said...

Gee. If Babe Ruth can come back from the dead, can Mitt Romney be far behind?

Michael said...

Babe, it might interest you to know the LA Times reports today that the Dodgers will announce the return next season of ... The Vin.

But, Babe, you posted at 6 a.m. I don't think you just woke up. I suspect you just got in. Or finished for the night with ... how many women?

Phillip B said...

Bambino! Consider a special curse for the ownership of the Chicago White Sox. Building a new stadium they took down McCuddy's, the bar where you drained a few beers - in uniform - between games of a doubleheader.

No one had Instragram in those days, so the there are no photos.

In 1989 the White Sox told every one they took the bar down in pieces carefully numbered so that it could be reconstructed as part of the new facility. Later they said that the pieces had been "lost."

Suspect you can have a beer anywhere you want, Babe, but on the south side of Chicago our choices are more limited. Help us out here!

Mike Heath said...

The REAL league for Houston? A league with the DH can't really be called "real".

Roger Owen Green said...

Babe - did Ken pay you to make that pitch about Almost Perfect? I mean Nancy Travis is cute and all, but I hear you were quite the Lothario with women of your own era.

Wally The Pip said...

That Nancy Travis bit reminds me, I've been meaning to ask for a long, long time...have ya seen the new Tim Allen show with Nancy Travis? It's what you'd likely expect from Tim Allen and that's fine w/me. But in their Halloween episode, Nancy dressed as a pirate babe complete with panties labeled BOOTY across her ass. Best she's ever looked (to me).

Good to know the Babe is still his feisty self after all those years on waivers!

And if the M's drop another close one that they should've won, I may have to shoot the messenger. Will that be Rick or you? Can't tell ya how many times I shouted "Son of a BITCH" at my radio, last night (& Friday), and I know you can't do that on the air, so I'm doing it for you.

Cap'n Bob said...

So orioles are okay but not blue jays. No matter, this was a great piece, Babe.

Tom Quigley said...

Hey Babe, one question you didn't answer:

How's playing Right Field in Hell working out?

scottmc said...

Just finished watching the Astros play the Mets this weekend.(The horror, the horror.) Before it was Minute Maid Park their ballpark was named Enron Field. The Astros are so bad on offense they score even less than I do. If Roger Clemons joins them he'll probably be their #1 starter. And if today's guest blogger joined them he'd be, at 117 years old, their clean up hitter.

Gary Mugford said...

Hey Babe,

You probably forget your first pro home run in a real game came in Toronto in a little bandbox stadium down by the lake? Or, are you just mad they tore the place down. Gotta give respect to get it, big guy.

Paul Duca said...

Ken...check out the performance of THIS Boss Jock:

Alan Hinton said...

You're soooooooooo right about Chris Berman on MLB PBP, but now ESPN has doubled the misery by letting him do PBP on the NFL, The horror.

The Mutt said...

I know a little red bird that would like a word with you, tubby.

mike said...

Oh, how right Mike Heath is, for as Red Smith said, the dh is nothing but a 'loathsome ploy.' And say, are you the Mike Heath that used to play for the A's?