Monday, February 17, 2020

President's Day message from Abraham Lincoln

Hi, this is Abe Lincoln.  Thanks to Ken Levine for letting me guest blog today. 

As someone who is highly regarded as a president, I think I have a certain amount of street cred.  So I hope my words will resonate with you.  I have a whole Memorial in Washington and I am on the five dollar bill (also the penny but those are worthless).  So I'm not just some Rush Limbaugh bellowing out of my ass.

Okey dokey.

I've been observing what's been going on lately and I just want to say --


I'm a Republican and I'm ASHAMED to even be associated with the spineless treasonous assholes who now represent my party.

Does the Constitution mean anything to you sniveling cowards?

Does justice mean anything to you piece-of-shit lapdogs?

To say you are a disgrace is putting it mildly.  To say you will be vilified throughout history and painted as the weak self-serving bottom feeders you are is a sure fire guarantee.  Generations of your family will be embarrassed and forced to live down your shame, and the hardships future Americans will endure as a result will be justifiably blamed on you.  

And for what?  To protect the most corrupt reprehensible president this country has ever had?   The man who cares nothing for you, nothing for the people he has sworn to lead, and nothing for the national security of the United States?    To what end, so you don't lose your cushy job serving the public?  You've LOST that job.  You've FAILED your responsibilities.  You've destroyed the very fabric of Democracy.  You're hypocrites of the highest order.

We know the president is an immoral psychopath who will take down anyone who stupidly chooses to follow him (to me that's the only positive thing I can say about him).  So there's no sense in me dressing him down.  He'll just Tweet that I was ugly and my presidency was a disaster.  So fuck him.  He's a moron.  But YOU had a chance to do something about it.  YOU had the chance to STOP him -- to preserve the ideals of this nation, to safeguard our borders, to (dare I say it) do your FUCKING JOBS.

And finally, my birthday is February 12th, damn it.  I want my holiday back.  I no longer want to be lumped into a group that includes the second most despicable man on earth. (Mitch McConnell is number one.)   So you get a day off during the week sometimes.  Big deal.  Most stores and restaurants are open anyway.   But I want people to remember me for what I did, what I stood for, and how seriously I took the responsibility to lead the citizens of the United States of America.

Okay, tomorrow Ken goes back to reviewing movies, telling funny stories, and that sort of shit.   I'm sure today he'll be deleting lots of comments from pathetic trolls.  "Ooooh, he's a libtardThat'll hurt his feelings.  But I appreciate Ken allowing me to vent even though I know it will do no good.  The US Senate is a disgrace.

But it's an election year.  YOU can do something about this.  YOU are this nation's last hope.  With all the eloquence I can muster after my Gettysburg Address, I implore you good people of America, VOTE THE MOTHERFUCKER OUT.

Thank you. 


Bill in Toronto said...

So Disney buys Fox's broadcast network and, more importantly, its library. Effectively, it's ABC shutting down FOX. (Proof point: leading into last season, spunky and creative FOX shut down new show development pending approval of the takeover.) Is this really more about broadcast being a dying industry and the incumbents recognizing that four producers is one too many?

gottacook said...

Abe, regarding your last all-caps remark: Let's not neglect voting out of office all 23 Republican senators up for reelection (including McConnell in Kentucky and two special elections in Arizona and Georgia).

As for the holiday: Yesterday while shopping for a dishwasher I asked the saleslady, "Is this one included in the Washington's birthday sale?" and then caught myself. So yeah, I remember them as separate birthdays and don't know why there has to be a Monday holiday, other than for the convenience of federal-government employees. These days, separately remembering Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays would do us no harm.

Hogne B. Pettersen said...

I live in Norway. In the days where I still ventured into the cesspool known as Twitter, I was often told by his supporters I had no business debating an AMERICAN president with them, as long as I was a furreiner.

My reply was: Your president basically has the power to decide whether I will wake up tomorrow or not. That MAKES it my business.

As for Trump's latest tearing down of democracy, I have no words. Turns out, neither do the lawyers in the Justice Department. They don't dare speak up anymore, according to news reports.

Mark said...

To me Trump is the inevitable result of policies started under Reagan and continued by the Republicans since then. Trump is awful but I am more bothered by his party and their actions. Is Trump really worse than McConnell? Maybe personally but certainly not politically.

Thanks for this post, I appreciate your political stuff as much as I do the baseball posts. Which is a lot.

Truthy Truths of Truthness said...

I'm concerned about Jon Voight. Not because he's a Trump supporter but because of the videos he posts on his twitter account. Every three weeks or so, he posts a video in which he says Trump is the greatest president ever and his critics are evil, but it's not even that which concerns me. It's the bizarre repetition.

In every video, he keeps saying Trump's opponents are jealous of his "truths." He also refers to Trump's "true truths." If you had a drink for every time he says the word truth in just one video, you'd need a new liver.

There's also his blanket condemnation of all Trump critics as evil. Not just what he calls "the radical left", who I'm not keen on either, but ALL his opponents. He's called the impeachment evil and he most recently said "this Pelosi woman" has "evil intent." That kind of language, as well as the nonsensical repetition of "truth" and "true truths", is kinda worrying.

It also appears he no longer cares about getting hired again. Calling everyone in Hollywood evil isn't going to endear you to people in a position to give you a job. The one regular gig he had, Ray Donovan, hasn't been renewed for another season, so that's over.

The true truth is that Voight used to be a really good actor, but not anymore.

Don Graf said...

Terrific post, Mr. President. Any advice on where to buy a new mattress?

kent said...

Think of Voight's comments as coming from Mickey Donovan and they will seem less disturbing. At the end of the day, Mick and Jon aren't that different.

Bismo said...

I disagree but love you and your blog anyway!

Anonymous said...

You can't have your holiday back, Abe. Only Jesus and Martin Luther King are worthy of their own holidays. You were only our greatest president. Sorry.

Jason Roberts said...

In regard to Bill in Toronto:

When Disney bought Fox, they also retained their executives (and we all know what Ken thinks of studio executives). In fact they Elevated Dana Walden to head ABC, HULU, Disney, etc. etc. Then Bob Iger or those just below him let go of most of the Disney TV creative and production executives. They kept almost all the Fox TV creative and production execs because they were the one's that had more productions on television (studios make show for any network)and made them better (more cost effective) than even the Disney suits. With the exception of the New Fox run by the Murdoch's everything is all part of the same company now. The library's are the key to longevity. This is why Netflix and Apple and Disney+ are spending multi billions a year in content. We are in the midst of a streaming war. However, It's not about the amount of Producers (there is no rational way to compare how many Producers on a project means anything). I do think that broadcast television needs to innovate to keep up with the streamers in many ways. The only difference is that free broadcast television still reaches more people than streaming services (but not for long).

2/17/2020 8:15 AM

Bill in Toronto said...
So Disney buys Fox's broadcast network and, more importantly, its library. Effectively, it's ABC shutting down FOX. (Proof point: leading into last season, spunky and creative FOX shut down new show development pending approval of the takeover.) Is this really more about broadcast being a dying industry and the incumbents recognizing that four producers is one too many?

2/17/2020 6:12 AM

FFS said...

Canadian here but my outrage is the same as yours. Sadly, the dimwitted fat fuck of a premier here in Ontario is a fan the orange faced snotball you have to endure. He’s even tried some stuff out the Republican playbook but seems chagrined that it isn’t working all that well here. Thanks to the universe for small mercies.

Joseph Scarbrough said...

I don't blame you for the way you feel, Mr. President, but look at it this way: back in your day, our two parties' political idealogies were reversed - Republicans were liberal, Democrats were conservative . . . for all intents and purposes, today, you would be a Democrat rather than a Republican.

Unknown said...

Beautiful job, Honest Abe! Personally I think you were too complimentary to the republicans, but I know you're classier than me. If the orange buffoon gets re-elected, it will be amazing to see the reaction of his followers when he kills their Social Security and Medicare. For the very few of his voters who understand what that means, it'll be quite a shock that their dear leader didn't really care about them at all.

Golden Dreams said...

Love the guest post, Mr. President. And we need the Senate Republicans, especially McConnell, voted out...

Mike Doran said...

I don't recall if I ever said this, here or elsewhere, but here goes:

Politically, I've spent my whole voting life in a rundown - caught between bases.

I'm from Chicago, South Side Irish Catholic Democratic family.

My father, a union man all his days, told us kids that he would never vote for a Republican for anything, because Republicans were anti-labor.

The last Presidential vote he cast (that I know of) was for Hubert Humphrey in '68.
As far as I'm aware, he never voted for any Presidential candidate of either party, from '72 onward.
When his union endorsed McGovern (at the last possible minute) in '72, Dad said he'd sit it out.
The last Presidential race in his lifetime was '92: I think he might have voted for Bill Clinton, but I'm not sure.
And anyway, in '92 Mr. Trump was a financial supporter of Clinton's, but that wouldn't have made any difference to Dad, who just found Trump to be an annoying Manhattan Media Hog, So There Too.

In those times, I also had to contend with my one-year-older brother, who went from FarRight (John Campbell's editorials in Analog) to farLeft (Clean for Gene McCarthy) in four years of high school.

In every election cycle since, I've always found myself put off by hardline political partisanship, especially since the Rise Of The Bases (both Left AND Right).
Examples on request (and believe me, I've got a stack of 'em).

There are so many reasons that Donald Trump should be disqualified for the Presidency; unfortunately, most of them aren't impeachable.
It is neither a High Crime or a Misdemeanor to be an infantile, immature, immoral, dishonest, ill-mannered jerk.
Those are reasons why he shouldn't have been permitted to run in first place.

There's the Big Reason why he shouldn't have been elected, which is the ongoing farce that is the Electoral College (those who still feel like defending this anachronism, in the face of all the documented facts about its misuse over two centuries - well, continue to live in your dream world if you wish, but don't tell me I haven't been seeing the things I've seen; I can't switch off my memory that easily).

Cutting to the chase:
The only thing that can beat Trump is if the Republicans force him out, '74 style.
GOP Traditionalists have to stage an intervention, as the old hands did back then with Nixon, and force Trump out for the Good Of The Party.
Unfortunately, unlike Nixon, Trump doesn't know the rules; indeed, he doesn't even acknowledge the existence of rules - all he knows is HE WON and that's that.
Old Joke:
What's the difference between Democrats and Republicans?
Democrats fall in love.
Republicans fall in line.

As for me, I take my text from E.B. White, who came up with this caption for a New Yorker cartoon:
"I say it's spinach and I say to hell with it."
I'll be voting against Trump, no matter who gets the Dem nod.
And that's not a good thing - not in the least …

notaleftie said...

November 2020 Landslide........

blinky said...

Make no mistake about this: that real Republicans are the very rich. The party exists exclusively to serve them. The gun nuts, abortion nuts, immigrant haters and the rest are useful idiots or suckers, that serve the goals of the very rich. They are the frogs getting a free hot bath that will eventually cook them. And guess who loves delicious boiled frogs legs? The Rich!

Anne said...

Happy Birthday, Abie Baby! (That was a song from "Hair", no disrespect intended. I know you loved the theater, and probably still do. Can't let one crazy actor destroy a grand art form.)

Thanks for posting on Ken's blog. I'm a regular viewer here, actually started visiting because Ken is a master practitioner of another great art form (creating comedy for TV). Supremely important stuff, in my view. Always interested in what he has to say about the world.

By the way, I'm a Democrat--just like your Vice President, Andrew Johnson. And I agree with you on a lot of things, but disagree on a couple: I'm not crazy about current events but Bush was the absolute worst treasonous President ever. I don't care how many cough drops change hands at a funeral. Both 9/11 and the 2008 Treasury and Bank scam are on Bush and Cheney's tab. This nation still hasn't recovered from either one. Or, for that matter, the murder of JFK.

By the way: JFK and you, Mr. Lincoln, were the only two presidents who decided to challenge the Banksters. And both of you end up getting shot in the head in public. Huh. Go figure.

So thanks again for stopping by and for still caring about the country. Heaven knows Congress doesn't. Sadly, I must include my own party in that disgrace. I would disagree with you about one more thing: I do think you and Ken blogging here does us all good. A lot of good. It upholds the tradition of political debate. Good old-fashioned, knock-down, drag-out political debate. As you pointed out, the country was founded on it.

P.S. I hope you get your birthday back, Mr. President! You deserve it.

-3- said...

Kent - I find it's better to think of Voight's current ramblings coming from Frank, from my favorite Jon Voight movie, Fearless Frank's Greatest Adventure. The one where he dies in the opening scene and is brought back as a zombie tool for a mad scientist.

Apparently his dead brain continued to rot.

Y. Knott said...

Sincerely sorry your country sucks. Sorrier still that even if the Republicans are swept out of power in the upcoming election, it will take generations to make your country unsuck. Sorriest of all that the infection seems to be spreading, and that corrupt fascist demagogues seem to be coming back in style in other democracies as well.

New Zealand's looking awfully good right now.

404 said...

Amen, Abe.

Garfield said...

Now THERE'S a bumper sticker!


Trevor said...

Well said, Mr. President, well said.

Unknown said...

Nice Abe! How do you feel about gun control?

Liggie said...

Since this is a comedy writer's blog, here's an interesting note: Lincoln was a very funny person. He was known as a great mimic (imagining a President Dana Carvey?), and he told jokes and stories to deflect political opponents and ease tensions in his Cabinet. The funniest comeback I saw in this article about Lincoln's sense of humor: When opposing candidate Stephen Douglas called him "two-faced", Lincoln replied, "f I really had two faces, do you think I’d hide behind this one?”

As for the Fox studios "disappearing", I've read speculation that the name "Fox" is now linked by many to Fox News and its excesses, and save Fox Sports, renaming everything else in the tentpole like scripted shows is a way to disrupt that dictonomy.

Truthy Truths of Truthness said...

Apart from Ray Donovan, the last thing Voight did is the forthcoming anti-abortion movie Roe vs Wade, which stars an assortment of hardcore types like Stacy Dash and Robert Davi.

The funniest thing about the movie is an anecdote by an on-set witness about the hapless directors, an evangelical pair who've never made a film before and had to step in when the original director quit. One of the directors was seen telling Joey Lawrence "Now make a face like this." Lawrence got annoyed and told her that's not how you direct. Lol!!

No said...

Couldn't possibly agree more. I've been railing against this asshole and the necrotically corrupt Republicans who are his accomplices for over five years.

Not enough people listen, but maybe it's getting through.

I want to resist the urge to use all caps, but here goes: THIS IS WHAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WANTS. Their party is being destroyed by a criminal, traitor, and a demagogue buffoon, and the forces that set this in motion seem almost indestructible. Over the past 30 years they have steadily painted themselves into a corner, a suicide pact of their own design with the right wing. They have done this because they don't want democracy at all, only a society dominated by the wealthy. They have no scruples or shame in how they will do this, because they think no one is paying attention enough to care.

Show them that they're not only wrong, but are in fact cowards and useless tools. I don't take any comfort in the notion that history will prove them wrong. That is a given. I want the people living today to prove them wrong.

The only trick now is to get Dems to unite behind a candidate. Honestly, this is the real test of democracy this year.

. said...

The present president responded to this by tweeting a tantrum regarding 'Crazy Mary', but it was deleted after a frightened aide informed him that Abe actually isn't still alive.

Janet said...

You know something is rotten in Denmark when a majority of Republicans choose the human toilet seat known as Trump as the best president over Abe Lincoln....

Janet said...

Unfortunately, Trump's supporters are just as bad as Trump himself...

“The Trump Supporters Who Aren’t Racist, Are Sadists”

VP81955 said...

Recently bought one of those crank-up radios that doesn't require a battery and has AM, FM and the NOAA weather band. On the latter Sunday, I heard a week-long forecast where the automated announcer referred to today not as "Presidents' Day," but as "Washington's Birthday" (which actually is Saturday). Say what?

Angela said...

Lord, what I would not give for Lincoln to actually rise from the dead and deliver this speech for real. I'd also love to see his reaction to the morons who continue to fly Confederate flags (all while going on about how oh-so-patriotic they are, no less!). That would make his head explode, I'd imagine.

To what end, so you don't lose your cushy job serving the public? You've LOST that job. You've FAILED your responsibilities.

This. That's what the GOP can't seem to understand. They're at potential risk of losing their jobs either way-if they had convicted him, Trump supporters may have voted them out, and since they've acquitted him, those of us who are horrified by that will try and vote them out, too. If I'm going to lose my job, I'd rather it be because I tried to do the right thing rather than because I attempted to protect a craven criminal and his cronies. But apparently integrity doesn't mean squat to the GOP anymore, so...

At least we now know for sure where they stand, so yes, God willing they'll get the message of how we feel about their actions loud and clear come November. I want this election to be THE most humiliating defeat the GOP has seen in ages, to the point where they have only two choices going forward: lick their wounds and rebuild their party to something that's actually respectable, or go the way of the Whigs, and, as this blog post rightly notes, become the laughingstock of history alongside all the other stupid people who've com and gone throughout the centuries. Their choice.

BJ said...

Thank you, Ken.

Anonymous said...

@ Frank Beans
The only trick now is to get Dems to unite behind a candidate.

Not happening, amigo.

Mike Doran said...

Further Thought:

I really don't think all the F-bombs are helping change minds.

Want a bumper sticker?
Back in '16, Keith Olbermann came up with the best one, in one of his podcasts:

You Know This Man.
You Have ALWAYS Known This Man.

That's the title KO should have given the book-length collection of the podcasts.
I'll always believe that the gratuitous F-bomb hurt the sales.

" … what might have been …"

Anonymous said...

You sound like me! Imagine my disgust last month as that fat fuck flew over my house on the way to his big rally at the Jersey Shore. I never thought he would come near Atlantic City after he bankrupted the casinos but he has no shame. There are people here still waiting for paychecks from him. I hate him. Janice B.

Kevin from VA said...

Careful President Lincoln, or you'll be accused of being a "Never Trumper" You know, like Michael Cohen, Anthony Scaramucci, James Mattis, Rex Tillerson, John Kelly and all the many others of "Only the Best People" POTUS has hired, that he's later berated after leaving his swamp, on less than amicable terms.

Mr. Lincoln, I'm afraid that the current part-time POTUS and full-time golf-cheater has completely defiled your most famous
speech, The Gettysburg Address. You spoke so eloquently of "Four score and seven years ago" in your address to the nation. Now our POTUS goes on twitter to settle scores.

As he lies about his golf score, and most everything else.

Buttermilk Sky said...

Since most presidents ranged from mediocre to unspeakable, I would be fine with calling today Random February Holiday.

Ken, as a radio veteran, I wonder what you think of Kansas City's new Radio Sputnik, underwritten by the Russian government. They're not even trying to be subtle, and why should they? Especially since the Senate endorsed their control of this country.

Edward said...

Political Rant Monday

In other news:

RIP Kellye Nakahara

Betty said...

Very sorry to read about the death of "Nurse Kellye" today. Any memories to share?

The Bumble Bee Pendant said...

Lincoln is well known to writing scathing letters, signing them and then NEVER sending them.

This kind of public letter would be uncommon for him

Five O'Clock Charlie said...

How could she have died, when she was just 30 seconds away from a military hospital?

Sue T. said...

My favorite bumper sticker so far:


Loosehead said...

"And now I'm off to the theatre with my wife. See you all tomorrow."

I think we need to hear what Jesus would say. Or God.

Ken Dudley said...

The official Federal holiday that falls on the 3rd Monday of February is George Washington's Birthday. It is believed that President Nixon once referred to the holiday as President's Day. The Press picked up on that and thus it morphed into being called President's Day. However, it is still legally known as George Washington's Birthday. Or as I refer to it, the only government holiday that is never celebrated on the right day: February 22.
Ken Dudley

Anonymous said...

Hello Mr. Lincoln,

I'm just here for the comments section . . . .

Anonymous said...

"And for what?"

Far be it from me to speak for the Republican party but I'd hazard a guess the 'for what' would be Putin's ability to rig elections and Trump serves as a conduit to Putin.

Cap'n Bob said...

I'm amazed that people actually buy this screed.

Mike Doran said...

For most of my life, we in the state of Illinois used to get holidays on both Lincoln's Birthday, February 12, and Washington's Birthday, February 22.
I always believed that this was a national thing; if Abe's day was just in Illinois, well, I didn't know …

When the G decided to make all Federal holidays fall on Mondays, the company I worked for gave us the option of which Day we could take off.
Eventually, George's and Abe's B-days were officially merged into Presidents Day, apparently to appease partisans of both historical personages.
Ultimately, The Simpsons came up with their salute to "The Mediocre Presidents", which to my surprise isn't revived every year, but hey, maybe that's me …

Pseudonym said...

Once again, Mr President, I'm sorry for what's happened to your Republican Party since... well, since Eisenhower, I guess.

Frederic Alden said...

After reading this post, I had a picture in my mind of Abe striding through the Senate with an ax handle. That was pretty satisfying.

blogward said...

Dear Mr ex-President,

In England it's about to get even worse. Us citizens of the North UK wonder if you have any tips for seceding from the Union.


Most of Scotland.

McAlvie said...

If you ever looked back and wondered how the Nazis took control of Germany, well you don't have to wonder any more, do you?

McConnell (or Rover, as I think of him because he rolls right over every time the wind changes) is as much a sociopath as Trump. He's just got a few more functioning braincells. We shall try to vote them both out, but you know republicans have been busy interfering with elections as much as possible. And I'm afraid there's no guarantee Trump will leave even if he does lose. He's got that emperor for life mentality and republicans in congress have already sold their souls. But when we do get them out, we can't ever let them forget that they betrayed their country and the people they were supposed to represent. We have to make sure that they can never get away with rewriting the narrative. I don't care if McConnell lives to be 120, there should never ever be a day for the rest of his life when someone doesn't scream a list of his sins into his ear. None of them can ever be allowed to forget that they shamed their country. And that goes for the lowliest of his supporters.

Artie in Sin City said...

Don't sugarcoat your feelings Ken...How do you REALLY feel about Donald?