A porn star's salute to America

Here’s a question that sparked an entire post. And it's keeping with this week's somewhat adult oriented theme.  It’s from Paul.

Will you ever write about your experiences at the strip club? As a reluctant patron, have you had any interesting conversations with the employees?

Gee, you make it sound like I’m the Norm Peterson of Gentleman’s Clubs. Okay, yes, I did attend pornstar karaoke one time. You can read about it here.

But I haven’t been to a strip club since shortly after 9-11. That was a rather memorable evening though.

It was a friend’s bachelor party. There were six or seven of us – all comedy writers. One of them must’ve spent ten years of COSBY residuals on lap dances. We never saw him.

The rest of us staked out our positions, sitting stage side. Each dancer would perform her two songs and we’d each hand her a dollar bill. Being comedy writers we would be constantly tossing asides to each other. “Hey, guys, did you see the way she took my dollar? She thinks I’m special.” “Wasn’t she the judge on MATLOCK?” etc. These girls weren’t just hot, they were joke set-ups.

I guess the big attraction at these clubs was a noted porn star appearing. This club was proud to announce that someone I had never heard of was about to perform. The excitement and anticipation was palpable.  All eyes turned to the stage as this porn star came out and did her routine. God, what a klutz. She may have been a virtuoso in three-on-one scenes but Bristol Palin was more graceful.

You can imagine the pithy remarks that flew back and forth within our merry group. Trust me, we were more entertaining than she was… and she was naked.

Then the DJ announced that she had a big finale. A tribute to 9-11 and this proud country.  Oh boy. This had the potential of greatness.

She went backstage for a moment and returned wearing a cowboy hat, toting an inflated kiddie pool.

Along with a couple of key props.

She stood in the center of the pool, nodded to the DJ., and “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood began to blast. With one hand she waved an American flag high over her head. And with the other she poured a bottle of milk down her chest. How the milk running down her naked body was supposed to symbolize patriotism I do not know, but the whole spectacle was surreal. We all completely lost it, laughing hysterically. At one point I looked around the room, expecting everybody to be laughing. No. Everyone else was staring up at the stage, visibly moved, tears in their eyes. This set us off even more.

Finally, she turned to us, stopped waving her flag, and snarled, “What’s so fucking funny?! This is the first time I’ve been scolded by a porn star. None of us were able to compose ourselves to answer.

She finished to thunderous applause. We left shortly thereafter. We didn’t want to be the first guys in the history of strip clubs to be thrown out for excessive laughter. So that was my interesting conversation with one of the employees.  Oh, wait.  There were two conversations.  When I offered my dollar bill she told me to shove it up my ass.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Like everyone on the planet I just finished reading FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. In case you’re one of the eight who haven’t read it yet – it’s a love story about a college graduate, Ana and her kinky boyfriend, billionaire Christian Grey. It’s only told from Ana’s side, and we get her account in minute detail. There’s not an expression she doesn’t over-analyze, a line of dialogue she doesn’t examine for hidden meaning. Add to that, she has her inner goddess and subconscious chiming in every other paragraph. I kept yelling at the Christian character: “Gag her!!”

That said, it’s shattering sales records worldwide. It will sell a lot more books than mine, but it’s my own fault. Silly me, I didn’t have a room of pain in my tract house in Woodland Hills.

Still, I figured a way to get on the bandwagon. Why not write the same book but from Christian’s side? So I did. As a gift to you loyal readers and a way of saying thanks for buying my book (you have bought my book, haven’t you?), I’m going to give it to you for free. See what you think?

I spend most of my time in my giant swank office. I’m the equivalent of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs except I’m also gorgeous looking and not dead. I preside over a massive global conglomerate that feeds the poor (thus making me likeable) and brings in billions. I’m always on the phone speaking generically. “Get me those numbers, Ted.” “That sounds risky, I’ll need to look over the proposal.” “Reschedule the acquisitions team for Monday at 3:00.” So you can plainly see I’m legit.

On Friday night I fly down to Portland to see my brother and pick up some items from a hardware store. I fly my own helicopter. I also play concert piano, have read and can quote the classics, collect fine art and first editions, and look awesome in jeans. It’s clear I’m an expert helicopter pilot because I say things to the tower like, “Charlie-Tango descending to 1000 feet.” Don’t even try to make sense of it. You have to be a pilot.

I go back to Seattle because I need to be at my desk and look over reports when I tell people on the phone, “Have Brian call me tomorrow, and I want a meeting with his people.”

But before you know it I fly back to Portland to speak at a college graduation. My speech goes over well because I’m incredibly charismatic. Those kids hang on every generic word.

Home again in Seattle I drive to Bellvue to have dinner with my equally wealthy step-parents and siblings. They have a large mansion. The food is delicious.  I'm a foodie and wine connoisseur too.  

A few more days of taxing business decisions (“I’m not going forward till I see the projections!”) and I need to take the corporate plane to Savannah, Georgia. As you know, I’m also an expert glider pilot. But my trip is cut short. A business emergency.

I fly back to Seattle and now on the phone I use an angry tone. “Unacceptable!” “Call Gary. We have to re-think this.” That’s me in crisis mode – firm but in complete control.

And that’s about it. Oh wait. During this period I also banged a high-maintenance loony college chick.

Hmmmm. Now I that read it over, it might be a little short for a novel. What do you think? I’ll add a scene where he walks on water.

Join me on the Jim Bohannon Show

I'll be on the Jim Bohannon national radio show tonight for an hour discussing my new book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).   The show is heard on over 300 radio stations.  Here's a list.  I'll be on live from 11-midnight East Coast time, but the station in your area might air it at a different time.  I don't know.  I plan to just show up, hopefully be hilarious, and sell a lot of books.

Speaking of which...

... check out the website for the book.  It's now loaded with more photos, bizarre videos, audiobook sample, reviews, and of course -- where to go to ORDER yours.   It's the best way to support this free blog and (depending on how fast a reader you are -- spending three or fifty highly entertaining hours.   Thanks much!

Olympic Closing Ceremony: NBC fucks up yet again!

What I love about the Opening and Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics is that it’s a television event the whole world sees at once. Unless you’re on the East Coast of the United States watching NBC. In addition to editing out selected portions and allowing the insipid Ryan Seacrest to host, they broke away before the big finale and the Who to show the pilot of a new sitcom where the big joke was a monkey in a lab coat. There’s a reason NBC is the last network. Even in those rare (once every four years) instances when they get viewers they manage to royally piss them off.

Don’t they realize that interrupting the Closing Ceremonies with a sitcom is the same as flashing a half hour pop up ad? And how many people like pop up ads? When was the last time you bought a product you saw on a pop up ad? On the other hand, how many products have you boycotted because you resented the ad? And how many websites have you stopped visiting because you got tired of the relentless pop up ads?

Whatever goodwill NBC had amassed with their Olympic coverage (and most of it was excellent) they completely squandered. They just reinforced the public’s perception that NBC is clueless. And it breaks my heart. Having spent the better part of twenty years writing for CHEERS, FRASIER, and WINGS it was an honor to be part of the NBC family. They strove for quality. They strove for class. They were the HBO of network television.

And now they’re WHITNEY, comedies with monkeys, and the new face of the franchise is Ryan Seacrest. The once-proud Peacock has been totally plucked.

On the west coast the ceremony was not interrupted by the sneak pop up ad for ANIMAL PRACTICE. I’m guessing they took a raft of shit so quickly backtracked. I feel bad for the producers. How’d you like this deal?

Thirty million people are going to sample your pilot!

Cool!

The only thing is – they’re all going to hate you.

Huh???

Personally, I didn’t see it. I set my DVR for the Closing Ceremonies. It recorded 3 1/2 hours and cut off before the finale.

Of the 3 1/2 hours, an hour and half was recap and Olympic highlights. They couldn’t do that separately? And because they had to show all that rehash they chose to cut out performances by The Kinks’ Ray Davies, Muse, Kate Bush, the Royal Ballet, and a new song by George Michael. One of the big emotional moments apparently was when all the volunteers were saluted. We didn’t see that either, along with some performance pieces that I can’t describe because well…I didn’t see them.

What we did get was more Ryan Seacrest shoved down our throats. Bob Costas couldn’t introduce the Pet Shop Boys? At one point Bob said something to the effect of: “Well, we have Ryan Seacrest here. This might be a good time to use him.”

As for the ceremony itself, another giant Super Bowl halftime show. Like I tweeted, they made a big deal of the Spice Girls reunion. It was their first reunion since 2008. Wow! Four whole years! Not exactly Dean & Jerry after twenty years. And how could they pay tribute to the great recording artists of Great Britain and not close the show with Lulu? Although, maybe they did. My DVR cut out. And I imagine if you were watching on the East Coast you probably turned it off when the cat jumped off the skyscraper in ANIMAL PRACTICE.

Please stick around and read the post meant for today. Thanks.

How we break a story

Comedy 101 continues.  Here’s an inside look at the thought process that goes on behind-the-scenes when plotting a half hour sitcom. But first – did you do your homework? You can watch the episode I’m discussing here. Do that first. Then come back and look behind the curtain.

Quick disclaimer: The way we plotted shows back then might be a little different than today. The importance we placed on certain aspects like character motivation are less of a priority on most of today’s sitcoms. Not all but a lot. But the more you’re exposed to dramatic structure the better storytellers you’re going to become. And even if you have no desire to write, you’ll still gain a greater appreciation about what goes into telling a good story.

Here’s how this episode came about. At the start of the season we put together a list of possible story areas. We compiled as many as we could and during the season we just kept adding to the list. Probably 70% of the ideas never get used. But we had some for each character, many for the Kim-Mike relationship (that was our money), some for the office, some for home. A number of these ideas could sustain an entire episode, others could be told in two or three scenes.

So when putting episodes together we would mix and match and try to assemble something that would service all the characters.

We had the notion: Kim has to cook for Mike. We thought this was a valid story. Kim is a career woman and probably couldn’t cook. There’s always fun in watching someone flail around in the kitchen. Logically, that story takes place over two days. Kim decides to cook for Mike on Day One and Day Two she does. Since her cooking would take up much of the episode we needed a show that took place over two days with most of it unfolding the second night.

Then if it’s a Kim and Mike story we needed to find something for the guys in the office. Was there a story at work we could switch back and forth to? This would accomplish two things: service the guys and allow for time lapses in the cooking story.

So we went through the workplace ideas. One idea we had was They blow up a building. And that wasn’t even really an idea. Our line producer Larina Adamson found a stock shot of a building on the New York set being blown up. We could show the building, go to the stock footage, and then just dress the building to look post-explosion. And it would seem like we spent a fortune. How many sitcoms blow up buildings?

The only trouble is: there was no story. We came up with this: We had already established that Gary (Chip Zien) resented that Kim was the showrunner instead of him. What if he’s in charge for the night (because Kim is home cooking), the show is going to blow up the building, and he gives the signal at the wrong time so it blows up before the cameras are rolling? Talk about a fuck up.  Not only will we get the benefit of showing a big explosion, we’ll get a big laugh out of it.

Sound good? Are we ready to plot it out? No. Not yet. It wasn’t enough for us to just have two parallel stories. We wanted them to have some theme tying them together. (This is where a lot of sitcoms today say, “Who gives a shit?” and just starts slapping scenes on the board. But to us it’s important.) What we came up with is that this is an episode that shows that people are talented in one area but not in others and have to accept that.

Now we’re ready.

Establish the premise. Kim wants to cook for Mike. Why? Why would someone who can’t cook decide to do that? Because it’s funny is not an answer. At least to us. She’s needs legitimate motivation. How’s this? They bump into an old girlfriend of Mike’s. She’s married, happy, with kids, and is a great cook. Kim knows that Mike admires that, and is maybe a little envious. Mike assures Kim he’s fine that she’s not that person but it’s unsettling. Where to stage the scene? Instead of constructing another set like a restaurant we decided to go out and shoot on the lost. Paramount has a theater. Perfect. They’re coming out of a movie. We establish that it was a horror movie and Kim loved the gore. Not your typical suzy homemaker. They meet the ex and a seed is planted.

Scene two: that night in bed. Kim still haunted by this. Mike had said the ex was a great cook so Kim decides to make him his favorite meal. What should it be? Something difficult and could give us comedy mileage. Fried chicken. It’s tricky and messy – comic gold.

Scene three: Next day in the office. Establish the building will be blown up the next night. Kim gets the fried chicken recipe. This allows the guys to razz her and reinforce to the audience that she just can’t cook. She leaves putting Gary in charge. Remind the audience that he feels entitled to that job. Makes it funnier when he fucks up.

Scene four: That evening. Kim tries to cook. Again, different from today – we were content to take our time and just enjoy Kim fumbling in the kitchen. Now sitcoms insist on short scenes, blackouts almost. As for the scene itself: we wanted something fresher than just seeing someone screw up a recipe. Lucy did it better. We came up with Kim doing voices and having the food items talk to each other. She gets punchy so it’s believable, but the fun is seeing her being silly. And Mike catching her.

Scene five: Back to the office. Gary must make a tough decision. Blow up the building tonight or take his chances that the weather will hold tomorrow. Tomorrow means Kim is back in charge. Tonight he’s at the helm. He chooses tonight.  His co-workers are nervous.

Scene six: First batch of chicken is done. Kim and Mike sit down to eat. (A couple of notes: the recipe calls for it to be the color of “colonial pine stain”. This was taken from a recipe my wife found. Secondly, this entire script was written over one weekend by me, David Isaacs, and Robin Schiff. After writing these scenes we broke for lunch and had to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles for fried chicken. There is no greater power than the power of suggestion.) The chicken is raw. Kim wants to try it again. Why? Because we’ve established this isn’t really about making fried chicken, it’s about fighting for the relationship. Also, Kim is a stubborn person used to being successful. This plays into her character. You can do all the funny stuff you want with cooking mishaps but ultimately the problem has to be real and genuinely challenging.

Scene seven: On the set. Establish Gary acting like a big shot. The more full of himself he is, the funnier it is when he fucks up. Just having Gary walk on the set, accidentally give the signal and boom doesn’t give you the most (pun included) bang for your buck. So the building blows up and the cameras weren’t rolling. Sounds like a pretty good act break to me.

We come back and see the rubble. It’s not so much fun to be in charge now. Gary has to do some serious tap dancing. Now the fun is watching him try to salvage the situation.

Back to Kim’s kitchen for scene nine. The second batch of chicken is black. Kim needs to salvage a situation too. She calls Mike’s mother for advice. This device allows us to explain to the audience how you really make fried chicken. That way everyone is up to speed. Hey, I didn’t know how to make fried chicken before that script. So what does Kim do now? She races out to buy some.

Scene ten: The set. We see Gary’s plan-B. It’s incredibly weenie. The vice tightens for Gary.

Scene eleven: Kim returns. Mike catches her. At this point we decided to slow things down and just have a real conversation between the two of them. We sprinkled it with little jokes, but we wanted Mike’s reassurance to really land. Still something was left unresolved. Just telling her she’s terrific at other things isn’t enough. We needed to see it in action. Kim gets the call from Gary.

Scene twelve: Kim and Gary on the set. Kim comes up with a good solution right off the top of her head. She is good at this.  Meanwhile, we're told that Gary is a great writer.  Do we need to see an example of that? No. The story’s over.  I think you buy it.  A few jokes to get you out of the show and we’re done.

Okay – extra credit. Go back and watch the show again. Do you see things differently? Lots of thought and care goes into each minute, doesn’t it? And for us the trick is to slide it all in in such a way that you don’t notice. There’s a flow and a logic with surprises and good laughs.

And we try to do that twenty-two separate times. Clearly, it’s hard, which is why a lot of today’s sitcoms don’t do it. They get okay ratings with very sloppy storytelling so for them it’s good enough. But for you as a young writer, strive for better. Seriously, did you really want to get into this business so you could write 2 BROKE GIRLS?   If so, please transfer out of Comedy 101 and see what shop classes are still open. 

Class dismissed.

Comedy 101

Haven't done this in awhile but several of you have requested it. Today I'll show an episode of our CBS show ALMOST PERFECT and tomorrow I'll walk you through the thought process on how we broke the story and why we made the decisions we made.

A quick refresher on ALMOST PERFECT. It's about a high-powered woman in her 30s (Nancy Travis) who is a writer on a TV cop show. On the day she gets the job of her life (showrunner) she meets the guy of her life (Kevin Kilner) and both are a full-time job.

Final note: the show starts 25 seconds in. Enjoy and we'll see you in class tomorrow.

Tweets of the week

In case you missed them or are one of the 3 billion people on the planet not following me, here are some of my Tweets of the Week:

If ANNA KARENINA with Keira Knightley was about one of those Russian girls who dance with long ribbons, I’d go see it.

Shocker! Republicans name VP candidate that I’ve heard of.

HuffPost Headline: Did Ann Curry get fired because of her shoes?

As a kid, the two signs that summer was ending and school would soon be back -- Robert Hall commercials and pre-season football.

Dwight Howard to the Lakers. The Lithuania team would still give them a run for their money.

Congrats to the US Women soccer team. Love the celebration. Girl on girl on girl.

There’s sunshine on Mars. Maybe they should have held the Olympics there.

At 5 Guys drink refills are free. But I could get a large for only 20 more cents. I said are people that stupid and he said yes.

Might have felt an aftershock. Since I don’t have THX and even if I did, the TV was off. I’m guessing aftershock.

I can’t watch women’s gymnastics in Olympics without feeling like Buck Henry as the babysitter on SNL.

Now that we’re on Mars, can they finish the 405 Freeway repairs?

Tonight NASA will land on Mars thus beginning season 25 of SURVIVOR.

Off to Dodger Stadium to see how many Dodgers I recognize from last week.

Code of conduct at Dodger Stadium. Tommy Lasorda telling fans to watch their language. Ask him about Kingman’s performance.

Michael Phelps has won more Olympic gold medals than anyone. But Matthew Weiner vows to overtake him.

What does a showrunner do?

Hi kids. It’s time for some bonus Friday questions. What’s yours?

Reader John asks:

Ken, what's the hardest type of character for you to write for while making them sympathetic? To me, it seems as through character like Becker, or going way back, Phil Slivers' Ernie Bilko are more difficult to handle, because you've got a character who's jammed full of bad personality traits, but who the audience is still supposed to be rooting to succeed (as opposed to the bad personality trait character in the Frank Burns mode, who's going to get his by the end of every episode).

Actually, the hardest characters to write are the ones who are intrinsically good and have a minimum of flaws. When characters are duplicitous, conniving, lascivious, cowardly, vain, self centered, overly ambitious, lazy, or a Scientologist – now you’ve got comedy gold. Case in point, on MASH it was infinitely easier to write Frank Burns than Father Mulcahy. And if the flawed characters are funny that really takes the curse off of them.

Most actors get that. But some don’t. They’re always lobbying the writers to make them nicer because they constantly want to be seen in a good light. What they can’t seem to comprehend is that “nice”= death in comedy.

How many people would watch THE ANGEL IN APT 23?

From Brian comes a question I get frequently.  It's worth repeating the answer:

What exactly does a show runner do?

He oversees the entire production and essentially provides the voice and creative direction of the show. He hires the writing staff, the crew, the directors. He is in charge of the show’s budget. He approves and breaks the stories, assigns them, rewrites them, and decides when the scripts are ready for distribution. He does all of the casting. Deals with the network and studio. Approves sets, wardrobe, music, the Christmas party, opening titles, webisodes, and in single-camera shows tells the director the style he wants.

During runthroughs he has final say. He can ask for scenes to be re-blocked and override a director’s acting notes. He then has final say on the rewrites. If an actor isn’t cutting it it’s his call to fire him.

During filming of a multi-camera show he determines whether a scene still needs more takes or they can move on. On single-camera shows he is either on the set to make that call or can demand a re-shoot if he’s not happy with the dailies.

He also oversees the editing. The editor and director put together their first cut and then the showrunner is in control. He can change that cut at will, if the show is long he determines what gets cut. He then supervises post production – sound, color correction, music.

If the show has a laugh-track he oversees that process as well.

On the one hand you’re thinking, “Wow! How great! He has tremendous creative control.” On the other, you’re thinking, “Jesus! That sounds exhausting. And he has to turn out a show a week? How the hell does he have time to do all of that?”

Answer: He doesn’t. And that’s the real art of showrunning.

What you see is what we show you

Friday Questions coming attacha.

Ben asks:

At a taping of The New Adventures of Old Christine a few years ago, I noticed it was shot digitally, which meant the crowd had monitors showing the footage as it was shot.

In the days of Cheers (and 35mm), was there some sort of vid-tap that fed the crowd what was being shot to monitors, or was it viewed much more like a stage play, and you saw everything at once, and only got the additional camera jokes when you saw it on TV?

In the early years of CHEERS there was no “video assist” as we call it. There were monitors overhead, but those were just used to either show the pilot or scenes that had been pre-shot.

Then cameras were equipped with additional video taps that allowed for instant viewing. And now that multi-cam shows are shot in HD, not film, the quality of the picture is greatly improved.

One thing worth noted: Back in “the day” (although it’s never specified just what that day was), multi-camera shows were either filmed or videotaped. If they were filmed, all four cameras ran continuously, it would take a few days for the film to get back from the drugstore, and the show would be edited later. For tape shows (like ALL IN THE FAMILY and THE JEFFERSONS), the director would be in a control room assembling the show on the fly. He’d instruct the switcher to “take camera three”, “take camera one”, etc. So at the end of the taping you had a rough cut of your show already.

Now you have HD, which is like the best of both worlds. Looks like film but shot on (far more inexpensive) tape. But they’re still assembled after the fact (a la film). That means, for the studio audience, a switcher is employed, and just for their benefit he edits the show as it unfolds. But the angles you see, and the takes you see, might not necessarily be what is used in the final version that airs.

Still, you think back to those old days before there was video assist and the audience missed half the show. You had the cameras and all the people on the floor, and if there was a swing set constructed just for that episode it was usually tucked off to the side so a large portion of the audience couldn’t see it at all. You attended filmings for the experience then you caught the show on the air to find out exactly what you were watching.

From Mark:

Ken, what do you think of series crossovers, like CHEERS/WINGS? This effectively makes CHEERS, WINGS, THE TORTELLI'S and FRASIER exist in the same universe as one another.

Do you think, despite it being an obvious ratings ploy, that it's nice to have this shared universe among the characters?

On a similar note, what do you think of the CHEERS/FRASIER episodes?

I always like crossover episodes. It’s fun to see characters from different shows interact. I especially liked the CHEERS/FRASIER crossovers because David and I wrote most of them. (Four with Lilith, one with Sam, one with Diane.) We also wrote the WINGS episode with Frasier and Lilith. Here’s a piece of totally useless trivia: David and I are the only writers to write Frasier Crane in three different series. I think that’s our legacy.

Crossovers can get sticky however, if both shows aren’t from the same creative team. On ALMOST PERFECT we did a crossover with CYBILL. There must’ve been four drafts that ping-ponged back and forth between our writing staff and theirs.

And then there was the CHEERS crossover with ST. ELSEWHERE. That was less successful. Not only did you have two creative teams, you had two genres. The ST. ELSEWHERE folks wrote the scene and let’s just say they did not do a splendid job of capturing our characters or the style of our humor. I’m sure the CHEERS staff would have written a clunky ST. ELSEWHERE scene if the shoe were on the other foot. Although, maybe we could have made Howie Mandel funny.

But here’s where it got really weird: In the finale of ST. ELSEWHERE we learn the whole show was just a dream some kid had. So does that mean CHEERS, even in television reality, was just part of the dream and never really existed? Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?

Jayne L has queries:

I have never seen an end-credits scene on Frasier that didn't have the theme music playing over top, muting the dialogue. Seems a bit of a waste of effort to write dialogue that no one will ever hear, so: was there scripted dialogue for those scenes, or did the scripting stop at the gist of the scene, and the actors left to ad-lib based on the premise?

No dialogue is written. Just a brief description of what the writer envisioned. And even then, there were times there was no written pages. The writers would just tell an idea to the cast and they would all work it out on the spot.

rockfish wonders:

Do you have a favorite home run call? And do you think it's important for one to have just one -- I'm amazed at some of the ordinary or even dumb ones. Over all the years and the number of announcers, it must be impossible to create an original sounding one... What's yours?

I don’t have one. All I care about when calling a home run is that I do it accurately and capture the appropriate drama of the moment. A dramatic walk-off home run is a lot different than one hit during a blowout. I try to be as descriptive as I can.

Announcers today can easily get caught-up in highlights. Your dramatic game calls are now replayed on post game shows, ESPN, and other sports networks. And just like players try to make dazzling plays so they can appear on “Web Gems”, announcers try to make spectacular home run calls so they can hear themselves on Sportscenter. I’m less interested in that unless I can somehow work a plug in for my book during my home run call.

And finally, from Kevin S.:

Will we be seeing you make a guest appearance on the Sunday broadcast of Comedy Central's Roast of Roseanne?

I'd love to but I'm folding my socks that day.

What’s your home run call? I mean question?

Review: SUITS

The USA Network has enjoyed great success mounting hour-long series that are all glossy, colorful, and generally lightweight. That’s not a criticism. They’re a well-executed collection of escapist fare. Imagine HAWAII 5-0 if everyone involved wasn’t brain dead. Pretty people. Pretty locales. Chase scenes. Explosions. P-G romance. P-G violence. Dashes of humor. It’s the TV equivalent of summer beach reading. I doubt you’ll ever see NECESSARY ROUGHNESS edge out MAD MEN for the Best Drama Emmy, but there’s a place for shows you can watch while texting.

And yet, out of this pack has emerged one truly excellent show – SUITS. I shouldn’t say “emerged”; it’s more like “evolved.”

SUITS started out last summer like most USA Network shows – with a high-concept premise and quick beauty shots of New York. Gabriel Macht is Harvey Spector (no relation to Phil), a super-slick shark attorney with charisma and bravado to burn. Adam Levine without the tatts. He works in a sleek Manhattan law firm – the kind that handles the Bank of America and Charlie Sheen. He hires Mike Ross (Patrick J. Adams) as his junior lawyer/protégée. Mike is brilliant, has a photographic mind, but he is harboring a little secret that only Harvey knows. He’s not a real lawyer. He’s a law school dropout. But just saying you went to Harvard Law School apparently gets you a job in a prestigious New York law firm or a staff writing job on THE SIMPSONS.  Yes, it’s a preposterous premise, but as the series unfolds that gets pushed to the background.

What surfaces instead are knotty legal problems, fun quirky characters, strong internal dynamics, and first-class writing. THE GOOD WIFE meets DOOGIE HOWSER.

I’m guessing at the start the focus was supposed to be on young Mike Ross. How was he going to avoid getting caught? How was he going to save the day by remembering a box score from 1985? But Harvey has become the true main attraction. Some actors just command the screen and Gabriel Macht is one of them. Best of all, you can just sense he’s having an absolute ball playing this character. And why not? He’s a cocky asshole who is smarter than everyone else and always right. If you can’t be Michael Phelps or Batman, this is the dude you want to be.

The side characters are also noteworthy. Especially Rick Hoffman as sleazy lawyer, Louis Litt. Picture Frank Burns but smart. The man can grovel and strut at the same time. Not easy to do.

And there’s Harvey’s saucy secretary, Donna (Sarah Rafferty). At the moment she’s fired but I’m sure that will change. Like Joan in MAD MEN, she’s smarter than most of the doofas men in her firm, but unlike Joan she doesn’t have to downplay it. Joan slept with a client to get ahead in the agency. Donna would just order one of the interns to do it for her.

Season one had more self-contained stories. Season two has a continuing arc of Harvey facing disbarment and the firm being taken over by a guy so insidious that even the ghost of Johnny Cochran has said telepathically, “If a lawyer’s that snide, I cannot abide!”  These guys are always in a pickle.

What I admire most about the show is the storytelling. Series creator, Aaron Korsh and staff have an uncanny knack for trapping their characters with seemingly no way out. And yet, ingeniously and organically they do manage to pull a Houdini act week after week.  To my knowledge it's the only USA series that doesn't end every week with a warehouse explosion. 

SUITS airs tonight at 10. Well worth one billable hour a week.

Why Vin Scully is so great

Just a typical Vin Scully broadcast. This was from a Dodger-Rockies game earlier this week. Even if you're not a baseball fan, watch this. Tell me you're not entranced by how masterful he is describing this situation.

Message for Dan Harmon

Aaron Sorkin, in a recent magazine article talked about leaving WEST WING. (I don’t remember which magazine. There was about a three-week period where he did pieces for every magazine in the world including maybe HOT ASIAN BABES.) Anyway, after he was uh… replaced on WEST WING he received a call from Larry David. Having left SEINFELD, David had some advice. He told Sorkin not to watch the new version of WEST WING. If it was bad that would be upsetting, and if it was good that would be upsetting.

Still, curiosity got the best of him, and Sorkin did check out WEST WING. It only took him a few minutes to realize Larry David was right. He turned it off and claims he never watched another minute of the series.

I could have given him the same advice. After my partner David Isaacs and I left MASH I found it extremely difficult to watch the last three years. Not so much because it was better or worse; just that it was different.

I became hypercritical. That edit is abrupt. Would like to see a reaction of Alan there. Was that Loretta’s best performance on that line? Start the music sooner. We need more jokes in this scene. You get the idea.

The series definitely took a turn after we left. It became much more earnest and mining comedy was harder and harder. Was it a good direction? The ratings were higher than ever. And the writing staff they assembled was the best in TV.  Creatively?  You tell me.

But it was different. So it was tough for me to watch.

So here's my message to Dan Harmon: Don’t watch COMMUNITY next season. Trust me, buddy. You do not want to go down that road.

What felt very weird for me on MASH was that for several years the shoe was on the other foot. I was the guy who replaced the creator. And not just any creator – the Mozart of television comedy (Larry Gelbart).

I can’t tell you how many times I’d screen a final edit of one of our shows and wonder, “What would Larry think?” I mean, on our best day we weren’t as good as Larry on his worst. I had never met him at that point. Meanwhile, there was radio silence. He didn’t seem to be in communication with anybody – not Alan Alda, not Gene Reynolds, not Burt Metcalfe.

I thought there was one of two explanations: He either didn’t watch the show at all or he did and hated it.

A year after we left MASH David and I did finally meet Larry. He was effusive in his praise. We were beyond stunned. I asked why he never said anything during the time we were there. He said (and this is so Larry) that he didn’t want to influence us. I’m sure there were creative choices along the way we made that he wouldn’t have. But he didn’t want to be a backseat driver. Now, I assume if he thought we were totally destroying his baby and our ineptitude would cut short the series and deny him millions from the additional seasons we might’ve gotten a little note. But he genuinely seemed to approve of what we were doing. Enough that when he sold AfterMASH he asked us to collaborate on it with him.

One of the true blessings in my life is that Larry Gelbart became a friend and mentor. Thank you for not taking Larry David’s advice. That said, Dan Harmon – still, go play poker on Friday nights, bar hop, join a bowling league, anything – just don’t watch COMMUNITY.

Announcing my Seattle book signing!

I will be having a book signing for my new book THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s) on Monday, August 20th from 5:00-7:00 PM at the Mariners Team Store at Safeco Field on First Avenue.   The M's will be playing the Cleveland Indians that night, but you don't need a ticket to get into the store.  

This is sooo much better than a bookstore.  At a bookstore you can't also get team logo tanks. 

So come on out.  Would love to meet you, sign a book, answer questions, and perhaps interest you in a handsome jersey. 

My thanks to the Seattle Mariners for sponsoring this event.  See you on the 20th... which coincidentally just happens to be "Support Your Local Announcer Day." 

You try talking for eight hours

I may not be the voice of my generation, but I am the voice of ME generation. No, I'm not turning into Popeye.  I just completed recording the audiobook for THE ME GENERATION… BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE ‘60s). You can order it here. And also listen to a sample chapter. (It's also available at Amazon and the iTunes store.)

This was a new experience for me – recording eight hours worth of text. But I had it easy compared to my engineer, Don May (pictured below), who had to listen to me record it, then go through and edit out all the bobbles. (Some days I was truly Porky Pig.)

There’s a lot to think about when recording an entire unabridged book. Your pace, your energy. You have to sound consistent throughout. It’s easy at the beginning of a session to be all revved up and two hours later you’re Ben Stein.

Not losing your voice is also preferred.

Pronunciation becomes important (who knew?). Confession: there are a couple of long words in the book that look funny on the page but are a bitch.  I couldn't say Anna Karenina.  I just kept screwing it up.  So I just swapped out War & Peace.  Fuck it.  Of course I couldn’t do that with names. I couldn’t take Satan Xerxes Carnacki LeVey and call him Skippy Smith. I have no idea if I came even close to pronouncing his name correctly.

In preparation I went to Audible.com and sampled some other samples. I was amazed by how many just droned. They were like an Army briefing on how to use an entrenching tool. Other books sounded like they were recorded in the bottom of a trash can. Mostly these were by authors who, like myself, recorded their own books. Especially for a memoir that’s very personal, I believe it’s a big advantage to hear it in the author’s own voice. As long as it’s professionally produced. I swear, some of these guys recorded their books on microphones normally reserved for: “Number twelve, your pizza’s ready!”

And I’m always aware that sometimes it’s better when someone else does your work. Carole King is a great songwriter and God bless her, but her tunes always sound better to me when real singers sing them. I once heard a recording of RHAPSODY IN BLUE with the great George Gershwin playing piano and it sounded rushed. Obviously he played it the way he intended it, and I just imagine if it were today he’d get a network note to slow it down. And if Gilbert Godfried ever writes his autobiography, please let someone else do the narration. Anyone. Even Kathy Griffin.

But I’m proud of my final result. And I think hearing my book in my voice adds a whole new dimension. Plus, you know how some books were just meant to be read at night in front of a roaring fire? Mine was meant to be heard in rush hour traffic.

Again, here's where you go.  Thanks much.

And I'm making final preparations for a book signing in Seattle.  Hope to have it nailed down later today.  So please check back for the announcement. 

How Ryan Seacrest got his big NBC deal

Ryan Seacrest recently signed a huge deal with NBC. As a result, he's reporting from the Olympics -- proving himself as useful as cufflinks on pants.   Let’s go back and eavesdrop on the NBC negotiations.

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY


An NBC VP of Business Affairs is sitting with Ryan Seacrest’s agent.

NBC: I’ve gotten a directive from upstairs to make a deal for Ryan Seacrest but I must admit, I don’t watch AMERICAN IDOL.  I’m familiar with the name but not so much his work. So with all due respect, what does he do?

AGENT: He hosts.

(LONG BEAT)

NBC: That’s it? You’re asking for hundreds of millions.

AGENT: He also interviews… sometimes. We can negotiate that separately.

NBC: We have hosts.


AGENT: Yes, but you don’t have Ryan.


NBC: What does he do that’s so special?


AGENT: Ask Fox, and Clear Channel, and E! TELEVISION. They’re paying him a combined $300 million.

NBC: For what?


AGENT: For being Ryan.

NBC: What does that mean?


AGENT: People love him.

NBC: Why?


AGENT: He has that… thing.


NBC: What thing?

AGENT: I don’t have to sit here and be insulted by you!  He's a personality!  A celebrity!  A pop icon!


NBC: Okay. Fine. We’ll move on. I’ll just assume he’s very talented… at something.

AGENT: Whatever that something is, he's the best at it!

NBC: The trouble is – we don’t need another host. We have lots of hosts.

AGENT: Oh, Ryan doesn’t want to host.

NBC: He doesn’t?

AGENT: No. He already does that.

NBC: So I’m confused. What are we buying?

AGENT: A versatile entertainer who can do it all.

NBC: Is he funny?


AGENT: No.

NBC: Can he act?

AGENT: No.

NBC: Can he sing?


AGENT: No.


NBC: Dance?


AGENT: No.

NBC: Then tell me again what “he can do it all” means?

AGENT: He can be a special correspondent for news and sports.

NBC: Has he ever done news or sports?

AGENT: Again with the insults?

NBC: Okay. Sorry. Where has he done news and sports?

AGENT: Nowhere.


NBC: So why does he want to do news and sports?

AGENT: Because he doesn’t do them already. But I'm sure he'll give the same flair to them as he does to the... other things he does -- all of them well. 

NBC: Does he even like news and sports?


AGENT: Well, he likes showbiz news. And he goes to Superbowl parties. So I’d have to say yeah.


NBC: What can he contribute?

AGENT: I can’t believe you’re asking me these questions. This is Ryan Seacrest. Ryan! Seacrest!

NBC: Okay. Fine. Can we put him on THE TODAY SHOW?

AGENT: You’d have to tape it.


NBC: Why?

AGENT: He has a morning radio show.


NBC: You mean he wouldn’t be exclusive to us?

AGENT: Well… semi-exclusive.

NBC: What does that mean?

AGENT: He’s not on CBS. And if you have the Dish Satellite and don’t get certain networks, you won’t see him on those either.

NBC: But he’s on everything else.

AGENT: A talent that big can’t be contained to one network.

NBC: Okay. Let me ask you. This talent – do all these other networks and radio conglomerates know what it is?

AGENT: They don’t have to know. That’s the beauty of it. I get them in a bidding war and the more they offer the more they assume the other guy knows.

NBC: So nobody knows what Ryan Seacrest does.

AGENT: All the more reason why everyone wants to be in business with him.

NBC: My head is spinning. Give me a few days. I’ll get back to you.

AGENT: Okay. Fine. Listen, now that I’ve got you. I think we should talk about re-negotiating my other client’s deal.

NBC: Who’s your other client?

AGENT: Carson Daly.

FADE OUT.

The Comedy Writing Team MATCH GAME

In an earlier post I talked about the benefits of writing with a partner. Summary: you always have a ride when your car is in the shop.

But you have to find the RIGHT partner. Some tips from someone who’s been in a successful partnership for 39 years:

Make sure you both have similar sensibilities. If you love Patton Oswalt and his all-time favorite comedian is Pauley Shore, keep lookin’. (If his all-time favorite comedian is Pauley Shore keep looking even if your favorite funnyman is Dan Rather.)

There have been a number of sibling teams that have worked out. The Charles Brothers, the Coen Brothers. Make sure you and your sib really get along and your last name begins with C.

He/she partnerships? If you complement each other then go for it. Some of Hollywood’s most successful teams are this configuration. Certainly one of my favorites – Anne Flett Giordano & Chuck Ranberg.

Do you and your potential partner have similar work habits? If you like to work in a quiet office during the day and she is only comfortable writing at the Viper Club after hours, continue your search.

Have similar aspirations. If your goal is to be a writer and his is just to use this as a means to move into directing or to get chicks, pass. If he wants to write Oscar winning movies in five years and you want to punch up Bette Midler’s Vegas act, shake hands and run.

Figure out just how you’re going to work. Head-to-head? Splitting the assignment up and each taking individual scenes? One person writes the rough draft and the other rewrites it? There’s a screenwriting team of women who sit around the pool and get smashed. One mans the computer while the other floats on a raft. That works for them. I could see it working for me. What works for you?

The Odd Couple would not make a good writing team. Felix would want to start the assignment right away and turn it in early. Oscar would wait until legal action was threatened. Both of you need to be one or the other.

Now the essential stuff:

You must trust and respect your partner. If you don’t think he’s the talented one of the two you haven’t found the right person. And that’s not saying you always have to defer to your partner. I don’t know a single writing team that doesn’t argue. But here’s the key:

Don’t make it personal.

Let me repeat in all-caps:

DON'T MAKE IT PERSONAL.

Think of TV wrestlers. They kill each other on camera and after the show all go out for beers. Argue over script issues but don’t let the disagreement bleed into personal feelings. And along those lines…

Fight fair.

No passive-aggressive bullshit, no mind games, no guilt trips. My partner and I have a policy. First off, we both have to agree before a line goes in. Secondly, if we can’t agree, and one can’t quickly convince the other, we just throw the line out and come up with something else. Trust me, it takes less time to craft a new joke than spend all afternoon arguing and ultimately one person ends up unhappy.

I know this sound like a lot of rules but the rewards if you find the right person can be enormous. And don’t kid yourself. Your car will need servicing sometime.

Happy hunting.

My Tweets for the Week

For those who don't follow me on Twitter, here's what you missed this week.   

If you juxtapose the letters in Gabby Douglas’ last name – it will spell – “USA Gold!” And more amazing – Phelps spells “Spleph.”

How come Siri understands Martin Scorsese and not me?

Two more endorsements for Romney: A porn star and Clint Eastwood.

I hate when I swim and there’s that damn World Record yellow line that keeps eluding me. It’s annoying. Stop it!

How soon till Gabby Douglas becomes a judge on AMERICAN IDOL?

The DARK KNIGHT with Anne Hathaway trounces TOTAL RECALL at the boxoffice. Two breasts are still better than three.

I bet the Peacock has not received one complaint during the Olympics from viewers who miss their favorite NBC shows.

Taking @tomleykis to lunch for his birthday. He’s so old he remembers when radio was good.

Ticket prices are rising again. Just in time for the new Will Ferrell movie.

Vin Scully, talking about Twitter called a Tweet a Twit. Earlier this year Bob Uecker called it a Twat.

Colin O’Donoghue joins the cast of ONCE UPON A TIME as beloved storybook character Speedy Alka-Seltzer.

NBC is hoping they can average in these big Olympic numbers and beat Univision for the 2012-13 season.

You can follow me @KenLevine or by just going here.  

Funny writers on funny writing

Earlier this year I participated in a seminar at U.C. Santa Barbara on comedy writing sponsored by the Carsey-Wolf Center. I spoke on a panel that included my partner, David Isaacs, Cheri & Bill Steinkellner, Jon Stark, and Janis Hirsch. Lots of good information and plenty of laughs. The session was recently made available on line and I thought you might enjoy it. Cheri is the moderator.

Worst network note ever

Friday Questions

Here are some Friday Questions.  Do you have one?  Please leave it in the comments section. Thanks.

Kev starts us off:

What do you think of Gotham Writer's Workshops and other workshops like that? Worth that money?

It depends on who’s teaching them and how much they charge. Check the instructor’s credits. Remembering that just because a guy has six Emmys doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a good teacher, but if an instructor’s last credit was PETTICOAT JUNCTION or his best credit is ASK HARRIET you might want to see who else is on the faculty. And if the workshop wants hundreds of dollars, that’s a red flag too.

But if the price is reasonable and the instructor appears to know what he’s doing, then sure, go for it. If nothing else, you'll get more practice, meet other young writers who are trying to break in, you might get a partner out of it, or at least a support group. Although I would worry about taking a sitcom course from the Gotham City Workshop.  You look to your left and there is a student in white clown make up. 


Cody asks:

Have you ever missed a deadline because you just couldn't get the episode to gel no matter what you tried?

I'm getting cold chills just thinking about it.  Yes, it has happened. But only after all night rewrite sessions still produce nothing. There are several options:

Send a partial script down to the stage with instructions that the rest will follow, and you keep working on it.

Shut down the show for a day. Studios hate this of course, but usually we make the day up by shooting the next show on a four-day schedule instead of five.

A third option is to just scrap the script, and insert next week’s script, assuming it’s in decent shape, and there is not a big swing set that needs to be constructed.

One of the reasons why we always produced our multi-camera shows on a Wednesday-Tuesday schedule instead of Monday-Friday is that if the script was really in trouble we had two weekend fail-safe days to fix it. Also, if we had to push shooting the show back from Tuesday to Wednesday we still had the crew. The camera crews generally work two shows – one that films on Tuesday night and the other that films on Friday night. They need two days for each show – one for camera blocking and the other for the actual filming. If you have to push back a Friday shoot night you’re screwed because the crew works Monday on their other show. The only day of the week that the crews don’t normally work is Wednesday.

The truth is throughout the course of a season there will always be at least one script that is just snake-bitten. Hopefully, it is only one or two. And part of your job as a showrunner is to manage these crises. If it becomes a habit, if scripts are routinely arriving late to the stage, or you have to shut down repeatedly chances are you’ll be replaced.

But most of the time you are able to cobble together something that’s at least acceptable. It may not be your best show of the season but no stunt involving a shark is required.


Sean in NoCal wonders:

In your career as a baseball broadcaster, have you ever gotten fairly close to a player only to see him traded? I know as a fan, having a favorite player trades mid-season just kinda sucks.

That happens frequently. Usually it’s bittersweet because you know the player is going off to a better situation, but of course, you’ll miss him.

After I did a year in Baltimore I latched on with Seattle. Later that next year I was calling a Mariners-Orioles game from Camden Yards. It was late in the season and by then I’d become good friends with most of the Mariners.

Suddenly a bench-clearing brawl erupted, and this was a hairy one. I’m describing it all on the radio and thinking, “Ohmygod, I’m friends with all of these people. They’re slugging each other and honestly, I don’t know who to root for.” That was bizarre.

One thing I should point out – when I say “friends” that’s not “close friends.” You don’t want to get too close because then it’s hard to be objective on the air. I’ve actually become better friends with a number of players once they retired.


Christodoulos has a question related to my book (which is crying to be read by you):

Which movies of the era would go well with it? Which movies do you feel capture the experience of everyday life in the 60's?

THE GRADUATE, EASY RIDER, HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI. And there’s an obscure movie that you never see anymore and I have no idea if it is even available to rent, but it’s called A SMALL CIRCLE OF FRIENDS, starring Brad Davis, Karen Allen, and some unknown actress named Shelley Long. But of all those ‘60s college unrest movies, this was the best. At least I thought so when I last saw it – in 1980. Who knows? Today I might cringe. It might not hold up like HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI.