Monday, April 24, 2006

Summer Movies Preview -- the sequel

Continuing my look at the summer movies headed your way…

CLICK – Adam Sandler has a remote control and can pause the world. Sight gags, special effects, life lessons, and every other formula studio comedy trick ensues. If successful Adam’s character could join the next X-MEN movie as the mutant “Tivo”.

POSEIDON – Titanic meets Love Boat. The luxury liner capsizes. Glug glug. People drown. Still has to be better than taking a Carnival Cruise

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA – The Apprentice meets Hilary Clinton. The only reason Meryl Streep won’t get an Oscar nomination for her role is because she’s also in…

A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION – and does an accent. Shoo-in to win. Unless Rene Zellwegger is in a movie later this year and does a thicker accent.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT – Yeah, a sequel in Japan really worked for BAD NEWS BEARS.

THE OMEN –Remake of 1976 EXORCIST knock off. Since the EXORCIST was recently remade, this one had to be too. (For the record OMEN II is a remake of EXORCIST II).

THE REAPING – Yet another thriller about religious phenomena, this one starring Hilary Swank as a boxer who must go ten rounds against Satan. Between this and the DA VINCI CODE, and THE OMEN the Church is really taking it in the shorts this summer.

MIAMI VICE – Michael Mann updates his stylish 80’s TV series by removing all 80’s style. Original cast member Don Johnson cameos as Elvis the alligator.

LADY IN THE WATER – M. Night Shyamalan’s attempt to show he’s not a one-trick pony by doing a family friendly bedtime story. Unless advance screenings don’t test well. Then Bryce Dallas Howard’s lovable “Sea Narf” character will turn children into zombies and feed them to aliens.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – The big Sundance winner getting all the hype. Could be this year’s HAPPY, TEXAS.

A SCANNER DARKLY – Richard Linklater’s live action turned into animation-for-no-reason look at the drug culture. Keanu Reeves finally has an excuse for his two dimensional performance. If I want to see people turned into cartoons I’ll watch the A-ha music video.

WORLD TRADE CENTER – Is it too soon to see a movie about 9-11? Is it too soon to see anything again from Oliver Stone? If WTC does well its opening weekend will the headline in VARIETY be “Ground Zero Boxoffice Hero”?

SNAKES ON A PLANE – I submit we have fellow blogger Josh Friedman to thank for creating so much buzz about the studio wussying-out and changing this title that it got reinstated. Three guesses what the movie’s about.

CLERKS II – After JERSEY GIRL Kevin Smith must go back to the beginning and re-trace his career. Up next: CATCHING AMY.

And the overall good news about this summer’s crop of films – there’s not one by Nora Ephron!! See ya at the Cineplex.

13 comments:

A. M. said...

CLICK: Bed Bath and Beyond. Way Beyond. Funny, but still... Bet we get to see what brand the golf clubs are that he's schlepping around for some time in that trailer. It reeks of product-placement-mania.

Perhaps could best be described as Family Man meets Back to the Future? This time around, competitive workaholic Family Man already has a family. Oh-ho! Can't you just see the universal lesson to be learned?

When we run out of cliché stuff he'd do w/ remote, then (whispers) remote starts to overrule his choices. Now what does this remind me of? Hope IT has some fun ideas. Wheeee! Big question: Will he wake up and find it was all a dream? Stay tuned.

ChrisO said...

I assume I'm not the only one to see the undeniable similarity between Click and the Twilight Zone stopwatch episode (one of the best Twilight Zones ever.)

Frank Strovel III said...

You just got your new double issue of "Entertainment Weekly" also, huh?

Steven said...

I'm guessing you haven't read A Scanner Darkly, because watching the previews makes me think the rotoscoping animation is the ONLY way to film the novel. People have been trying to get an accurate representation of Philip K. Dick on the screen for a few decades now ... while there's no telling how the script will work, in terms of visuals, Linklater is the first to succeed.

DrBear said...

I fully believe that "Snakes on a Plane" will be the Citizen Kane of reptiles on transportation movies.

Stephen Benson said...

will hillary swank's boxer get beaten to death by the devil? if so, get her another ocsar, she gets beat to death better than any other actess in the industry. wasn't there a b movie called "fer de lance" where they had snakes on a sub? oops, my bad, snakes on a sub is soooooooo different. but thanks to josh i can't here the snakes line without samuel jackson's voice.

Tom Quigley said...

Ken, you're convincing me that it's not worth going see anything this summer, thereby leaving me only two alternative options for entertainment: (1) watching gas prices go up, and (2) covering my body with self-inflicted hickeys (not sure which pain I’ll enjoy more)… Back-up plan: following the ongoing fun and games between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards…

BTW, I found a copy of VOLUNTEERS in a local video store here in Rochester last week. The bad news is that it was in a cut-out bin... The good news is that I had the six bucks on me that I needed to shell out for it...

Mary Stella said...

To think that of all the movie choices coming soon, the one I want to see most is Hoot. I love Carl Hiaasen, loved the book, and those little ground owls we have in Florida are adorable.

wendellwit said...

Ooh! Movie Preview Snark! Can I play? (Be warned: I do this for a semi-living.)

DA VINCI CODE - Sorry, Ken, but that's not Mona Lisa's hair Hanks is wearing; it's Michaelangelo's David's (what you call in the biz "misdirection"). But it did distract everybody from any theological issues. But if they were going to do any serious Catholic-bashing, George Carlin or Penn Jellette would be in the cast.

MI3 - There are so many people hoping that this Cruise missile explodes on the launch pad that I wouldn't be surprised if somebody sets up snipers at the theater entrances. But the Scientologists will just materialize in their seats... that's what they do, right?

X-MEN LAST STAND - Kelsey Grammar as a super-mutant; Phillip Seymour Hoffman as a super-villain in MI3. There's a new psychedelic drug on the street and Hollywood's casting agents have got it!

OVER THE HEDGE - I've been reading and enjoying the newspaper comic this is based on for years, and I have always been bothered by the schnozola drawn onto Verne the Turtle. As long as the animators fix that, they can screw up everything else and I'd be okay with it.

POSEIDON - Okay, logic problem, folks: Titanic is to Poseidon as Star Wars is to (a) Plan 9 From Outer Space, (b) Showgirls, (c) Last Action Hero, (d) all of the above. I just hope the MI3 snipers save a few bullets for the people going to see this monumentally bad idea.

HOOT: This could be an even-more perfectly titled movie than "Snakes on a youknow..." Family-friendly Walden Media partnered with Jimmy Buffett... Wil Shriner directs his twin brother Kin... Eighth-grader protragonists named Roy, Beatrice and Mullet Fingers (did Hogwarts open a campus in Florida?)... Endangered owls. O RLY? (An important insight into the taste of this writer that illuminates the rest of his reviews)

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH - "People will see a different Al Gore" in this global-warming documentary, but will it require the same special effects budget as "The Day After Tomorrow"? (I actually like Gore more than 95% of politicians, but he's such a perfect target!!)

THE PROMISE - An iconic film imported from China; promises to provide insights into the Chinese character that will make Americans comfortable with letting them censor the Internet. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Agenda.

Gee, I'm not even out of May yet. Gonna be a heckuva summer. And you're doing a heckuva job, Ken.

Scott the Reader said...

I assume you mean "Happy, Texas", and not "Paris, Texas".

Anonymous said...

Catching Amy.

What will he think of next?

Ken Levine said...

Thanks, Scott.

Made the correction.

the Ascetic Sensualist said...

After JERSEY GIRL Kevin Smith must go back to the beginning and re-trace his career. Up next: CATCHING AMY.

Before that he has to make MALLMICE or SHOPPINGCENTERGROUNDHOGS.