Sunday, April 23, 2006

Summer Movies Preview

Everyone’s doing their big Summer Movie Preview. Here’s mine.

DA VINCI CODE – Raiders of the Lost Holy Grail. I imagine it will reduce the lengthy obscure history discourses into action sequences. In keeping with the theme, Tom Hanks has the same hair style as Mona Lisa.

SUPERMAN RETURNS – The big question in Superman movies was always would the flying look fake? With Bryan Singer directing the big question is will Superman be gay? Will we be saying “Great Caesar’s Ghost” when we see his package? This movie will feature unused footage of Marlon Brando, hopefully from the last Superman series and not APOCOLYSE NOW. Let’s not hear the atrocities Vietnamese children are subject to on Krypton. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor should be fun…unless he breaks into Mack the Knife.

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND – New mutant this year. “Bouncer”. Can remove all static electricity and wrinkles. Big climax is Hugh Jackman as Wolverine trying to put in a contact lens.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST – Johnny Depp reprises his most fun role and Keira Knightley is in danger – Throw in some pillaging and I’m there. To better simulate the ride, two loud giggling annoying teenagers will be yammering in the seats in front of you.

THE BREAK UP – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Either it will be a big hit or next year Jennifer will be starring in a sitcom with Tony Danza on the CW.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3: Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins an Oscar yet his name is not even mentioned in the trailer. We get it. It’s a Tom Cruise movie. Big whoop. Tom Cruise reprises the two expressions he’s played in every movie since RISKY BUSINESS. They can spend $300 million to make this stunt fest and the best thing will still be the theme song.

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – Luke Wilson breaks up with his girlfriend, Uma Thurman only to learn she has super powers and uses them for revenge. I’m hoping she doesn’t have more masculine qualities than the guy playing Superman.

CARS – Pixar’s big screen version of the Chevron Oil cars. Unless the cute little autos break into song I predict huge boxoffice. I wonder if there will be a Pixar short first. Sorry, but I always hate them.

OVER THE HEDGE – Shrek with hamsters. Garry Shandlings’ voice. The first big screen whining cartoon character.

JUST MY LUCK – Lindsay Lohan (‘nuff said). Luckiest girl in the world meets unluckiest guy. They kiss and their luck is reversed. Gee, if that’s not the most formula high concept studio idea of the summer I don’t know what is. I bet they learn something along the way and fall in love too. And they sing a popular song from the 60’s in the middle of the movie and over closing credits there are hilarious outtakes.

TALLEDEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Will Ferrell’s NASCAR spoof. Could be more of a cartoon than CARS.

DOWN IN THE VALLEY – Sounds like the sequel to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Ed Norton is a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley. He’s in for a big shock when he learns that the Warner Ranch is really a series of office buildings and a Marriott.

…more tomorrow….

11 comments:

j said...

If hoping that MI:3 flops terribly is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Stephen Gallagher said...

I never saw a Tom Cruise movie that wouldn't have been better if someone other than Tom Cruise was in it, apart maybe from INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE which wasn't really a Tom Cruise movie.

I mean, almost anybody other than Tom Cruise. WAR OF THE WORLDS could have been Matthew McConaughey's shot at the A-list. Cruise doing simultaneous 'working class asshole' and 'look at me, love me' was just too much for this viewer's brain to process.

Danny Stack said...

One UK film critic hilariously re-named the Da Vinci Code: "I Know What You Did Last Supper".

doggans said...

//DA VINCI CODE//

If this movie is a success, it'll be the perfect chance to sell my screenplay about the guy who discovers an international centuries-long conspiracy hinted at in the teleplays of old "My Mother The Car" episodes.

//X-MEN: THE LAST STAND//

I'm just waiting to hear Beast sing "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs" over the end credits.

//PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST//

To be followed by PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN III: IT'S A SMALL WORLD.

//MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3//

Interestingly, the only other case I can think of with a movie adaptation of a TV series becoming so popular is the Naked Gun trilogy.

Stephen Benson said...

all i gots ta say is "thank gawd fer netflix"

kristy said...

But what about Thank You for Smoking?

Jenius said...

I'm packin' a bowl for the Al Gore documentary, it's gonna be SWEET.

And you can't possibly forget that they's MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKES ON THE MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!

Ken Levine said...

SNAKES ON THE PLANE will be one of the many movies I target in my next post. Stay tuned.

Claude said...

Just wait untill the sequels and ripoffs come.

"______ on a ______" --just fill it in for endless ideas.

It won't end until every animal has been on every mode of transportation.

The final one will be Bees on a Space Shuttle.

James said...

I bags the rights for Mongoose on a Bus.

VP19 said...

"Just My Luck": The "Seinfeld" episode "The Opposite" for a new generation...only Lindsay Lohan's misery will last thrice as long as Julia Louis-Dreyfus's.