Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Goodbye Haley Scarnato, hello Karina Smirnoff

So long, Haley. If only you had the number to vote for you printed on the front of your hot pants Tuesday night you still might be alive. Now it’s on to Playboy magazine and the continuation of your singing career.

After attending the AMERICAN IDOL live taping Tuesday we wandered next door to DANCING WITH THE STARS to see if I could find my CHEERS buddy John Ratzenberger and give him shit.

Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to see Paulina Porizkova. I figured if I told her I almost got hepatitis at the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit party and almost died she might not look through me when I spoke to her. Unfortunately she had been voted off. I suspect ten years of therapy will be needed to overcome this rejection.

DWTS had just wrapped and the stars were being interviewed by the media when we arrived. Alas, Ratz was nowhere to be found. Heather Mills was table hopping (I just couldn’t resist). And I did see Cliff Clavin’s partner, Edyta Sliwinska. I wanted to say I was a friend of John Ratzenberger but thought she’d roll her eyes and think that was the worst come-on line EVER.

Everyone was real excited because former champion Drew Lachey was there. I figured he was somebody. Nobody dresses like Lil’ Abner if he doesn’t have to.

Leeza Gibbons looked a lot hotter than when I’d see her picking her kid up from the Paramount Day Care Center every day. I guess she had just been voted off. She answered questions in a “sad” perky way.

Since this was a reality show I kept looking for Rob & Amber.

Karina Smirnoff (pictured) looked best of all. Just smoking in person. I wanted to ask her what her former skating partner Slavik Kryklyvyy had that I didn’t other than fifteen consonants but she was too busy telling ACCESS HOLLYWOOD that dancing promotes world peace or some such shit.

Second most beautiful was judge Carrie Ann Inaba. If Paula Abdul ever checks herself into rehab or is committed I say bring Carrie Ann over.

“Y” is the letter of the day. Every contestant seems to have one (or in the case of Kryklyvyy, 4…2 in a row), including Kym Johnson.

Is Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s nickname “eye chart”?

I also didn’t see my buddy, Clyde the Glide Drexler. I directed The Glide in an episode of BROTHER’S KEEPER (to this day he still claims that appearance was his professional highlight). I can still recall the acting note I often gave him. “No, Clyde, anything but THAT.”

Not a lot of ugly people compete on this show. Arizona pitcher Randy Johnson could defy gravity and dance like Fred Astaire on walls and ceilings and Ian Ziering in a wheelchair would be hired first.

I didn’t see Brian Fortuna but I just assumed he was in Sanjaya’s dressing room.

After seeing Billy Ray Cyrus in a screenplay reading where he played the world’s leading nuclear physicist it’s hard to take him seriously. Even as a ballroom dancer.

The set was huge. It reminded me of an elegant Austrian opera house or Harrah’s Tahoe.

16 comments:

Mike Barer said...

Thank you for the "inside scoop"

geapelde said...

I just read Stan Daniels died. Any stories you want to share?

VP19 said...

“Y” is the letter of the day. Every contestant seems to have one (or in the case of Kryklyvyy, 4…2 in a row), including Kym Johnson.

I can't figure out why, but for some reason I'm now thinking about former Temple basketball star Bill Mlkvy, a.k.a. "The Owl without a vowel"...

Mary Stella said...

Is Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s nickname “eye chart”?

No, Ken. To me and my friends, his nickname is "eye candy".

Did you see the contestants' Ford commercial last night? That face morphing of Sanjaya into Melinda was terrifying. It could happen if Wes Craven ever does a horror movie based on American Idol. Although, what could be more horrifying than Sanjaya winning?

Herb Popsfarter said...

I just finished reading Timequake and whammo, I hear Vonnegut passes on the the next plane. I'm sad.

The Minstrel Boy said...

maksim is at the eye doctor

eye doctor:

Can you read line 5?

maksim:

Read it? Heck, I grew up with him.


(ba-dum-bum)

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken,

Just thought I'd pass along a link to this article on TVSquad that compares M*A*S*H to Scrubs.

http://www.tvsquad.com/2007/04/12/is-scrubs-the-new-m-a-s-h/

Definitely intersting.

Was wondering if you had thoughts on it?

Michael Zand said...

Lakisha has all the warmth of a whorehouse madame. So she's not a factor.

As talented as Melinda Dolittle is, her vocals are a throwback to an earlier style of singing that isn't in vogue today. Ella Fitzgerald is an apt comparison. Other than aging boomers, I'm not sure there is a big demand for that style of singing. Are there any female Harry Connicks or Michael Bubles out there? Sure she can sing contemporary stuff but
lets admit it, she isn't easy on the eyes and for women in today's music business that's important. I know it's a shitty thing to say and I swear I've tried to get past it. I've squinted at the tv, done handstands, and smacked myself in the head and I'm sorry -- still butt ugly. Yeah, yeah, I know she's nice and sweet (a little too aw shucks, gosh, really? for my taste) but this is a Darwinian business. Looks still matter. The only one who has the looks and personality that comes close is Jordin Sparks. All in all this is collectively one of the worst crops of Idol hopefuls. I remember the group songs sounding a lot better in previous years. Kelly Clarkson is still by far the best idol of the lot. I look forward to her songs on the radio. Can anyone say the same about the ones who have followed?

45 is the new 30 said...

michael zand said: "Other than aging boomers, I'm not sure there is a big demand for that style of singing. Are there any female Harry Connicks or Michael Bubles out there?"

A couple of years ago, Queen Latifah released an album of standards (that is in *frequent* rotation in my own CD and MP3 players) under her given name, "Dana Owens" (on "The Dana Owens Album"). Granted, that is one album versus however many she has built her primary success upon, but it shows that it CAN happen.

Granted (again), I'm a heterosexual woman, but I honestly don't think that Melinda Doolittle is all that awful looking! She "cleans up" pretty well.

If Melinda wins and Simon and his crew market her appropriately - to the appropriate markets - she may enjoy some stunning success as a recording artist. (Perhaps it would be in her best interest, however, NOT to win, so that she can sign with a label that will be better-tailored to her style and audience.)

Ken, count me among those who really enjoy your AI post-mortems - keep 'em coming, please!

Anonymous said...

I find Melinda looks like Gladys Knight did at her age

Seymour said...

Actually Melinda's voice reminds me more of Sarah Vaughn. As for her looks, so the hell what? Anyone find Ruben Stoddard easy on the eyes? Mama Cass wouldn't have won a swimsuit competition, but I could listen to her forever.

And just what is wrong with being an aging baby boomer? Should I apologize for growing up in an era when we had melodies and lyrics?

45 is the new 30 said...

Seymour, got room on that "aging baby boom" bench for another member of the club?

BTW, your comments are always among those I most enjoy reading here.

Seymour said...

Dear 45 Going,

So you're not just Blarneyman trying to lure me into a false sense of security?

I'm afraid for a lot of AI fans, 40 is the new 100, and 57 (Me) is the new Dead.

But poor as I am, I am even poor in thanks. So thanks.

Michael Zand said...

BTW, I'm an aging baby boomer myself. That's our "N" word so it's okay for me to use it.

Michael Zand said...

Addendum to previous post:

As in "Boomer, please!"

Anonymous said...

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