Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Instant Beauty Pageant

No review of the AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK results show because... I just loathed every minute of it (except for the Simpsons parody). I look forward to the real AMERICAN IDOL returning next week. In the meantime, on to more fun things:

In my relentless and noble quest to discover absurd television shows for you, I have found INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT on the Style Network. It’s a reality show where the hosts invade big indoor malls, corral hot looking women, and in three hours they have to compete in a beauty contest for the grand prize of a trip to Mexico. There are three competitions – bathing suits, talent, and evening wear. The contestants are given $300 and three hours to buy everything, including hair and make up. So they become the first five women ever to buy glamorous evening gowns at J. C. Penney’s.

The hosts are Debbie Matenopoulos (pictured, who ten years ago was a 20-something host fired from THE VIEW and today is a 30-something size zero blonde Jillian Barberie wannabe) and Cameron Mathison (best known for performing heartthrob heavy lifting on ALL MY CHILDREN). They’re very high energy and bubbly and should be hosting kids’ birthday parties.

The show begins with them accosting young shoppers at the mall and asking if they’d like to participate. At one point Cameron went up to two equally cute girls and invited one to take part while just dismissing the other. Nice.

One woman’s boyfriend said, “Mexico? I want the damn cash money!”

The five contestants are selected and they each have a “coach” to assist them. It can be a buddy, a boyfriend, mom. The five groups for the Houston competition were:

Sarah (a squat rocker chick with a nose the size of her off-kilter pony tail) and her coach, Jovaney (a flamboyant gay boy sporting an Elvis pompadour and a self proclaimed expert on fashion). Good thing there was no charm competition because Sarah might’ve lost points had the judges overheard: “All I can say to the other girls is get the fuck out of my way!” A real debutante.

Caitlin (a 37 year old mom) and her impossible to remember friend.

Diamond (African-American, pretty) and her coach, an Anthony Anderson lookalike in a bright red shirt you could see from Houston to Galveston.

Shanna (cute Texas girl) and her non-selected friend Rebekka, who was even more attractive than Shanna.

Tiffany (sassy) and her hot looking young mom (who must’ve had Tiff when she was eleven).

For the next three hours these groups race around the mall like idiots. Sarah modeled a bathing suit for Jovaney who said, “I told you to go on that Hollywood Diet.”

Tiffany said, “I’d buy what my mom wanted but I don’t want to look like no whore.”

Diamond was seen shopping for jewelry next to the flip flops display.

Shanna revealed to host Cameron that she was getting over a tragic death in her family. Obviously flustered, he comforted her by saying, “Well, you look beautiful.” Looking for the perfect exit line, he chose: “Thanks for being so honest. That was obviously touching.”

Tears for Diamond as well as she told hostess Debbie that she was named by her grandma who has since passed away. She finally composed herself and said, “I’m crying because grandma is dead… and I only get $300.”

Jovaney (who obviously can’t spell Giovanni) to a store clerk: “Do we get a discount for being beautiful?”

Shanna’s coach thought she should buy some stick on boobs.

Nerves were frayed. Tiffany refused to wear the “booty shorts” her sainted mom suggested. Jovaney said to Sarah, “Did you just get accepted to the hottest fashion school in New York? No. That’s what I thought. I did. So listen to me and win.” Charm girl Sarah retorted with: “Bitch!”

Finally it was showtime. For a crowd of bewildered mall shoppers the five women showed off their bathing suits, gliding down the catwalk with the grace of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

Then it was the talent competition. Diamond did a rap number and was quite good. Shanna performed improv comedy, asking the audience for items to use as props. She put a purse over her head and said, “Hey, where did everybody go?” That was her funniest moment. Sarah belly danced. The highlight was not chewing gum. Tiffany sang “If You’re Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands” (horribly off key), but the best was Caitlin who gave a German lesson (I kid you not).

Then came the evening gown competition, more clomp-clomp-clomping.

37 year old mom, Caitlin (who was absolutely gorgeous, by the way) was worried. Earlier in the show she said, “I’ve always been insecure about my outer beauty. I’m hoping that today will help with some of my confidence. And I’ll be able to accept myself for who I am.”

Caitlin was the first one voted off.

Diamond, the only one with talent was eliminated shortly thereafter.

The winner: Sarah, the stumpy punk girl with the bump on her very ethnic nose.

Tiffany came in second and won a prize too. Two nights in Las Vegas and tickets to see MAMA MIA. Tiffany also learned a Big Life Lesson. In a really heartfelt way she said, “I should listen to my mother more.” (I guess mama knows best when it comes to the whore look.)

INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT airs… God knows when on the Style Channel. Just set your tivo. It’s Americana and kitsch at its best. And you’ll learn German.

13 comments:

Mr. Hollywood said...

How about we start yet another new network...DTV....DRECK TV! Oh wait a minute... that already covers most of what is on the air now!

Will Teullive said...

Ken,
You missed one late-entry contestant…

Rosie: (45 year-old) Rotund, slightly opinionated unemployed talk show co-host and her embarrassed non-selected friend Barbara; who if she has one more face lift will be able to whistle through her short and curlies.

lonerhino said...

Hey Ken- Sorry but it's African American not Afro- Same thing got M. Richardds in more hot water..

Michael Zand said...

Re the Idol show last night. I had real mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it was a great cause and a consciousness raising effort for our fat, ignorant masses. On the other, it was the worst kind of self congratulatory pandering that we see on award shows. And as well intentioned as Ryan Seacrest is, I don’t think he’s EVER had a real kid crying on his shoulder, let alone one whose parents have died of AIDS and lives alone in a wretched mud hut with his little sister. Ryan’s advice to him: “Let it out buddy, just let it all out.” I know he meant well, but JESUS FUCKING MOSES ON BUTTERED TOAST CHRIST, IT WAS LAME!

And wasn't ironic that on this supposed "humanitarian" night the producers decided to stage a "mock execution" of the new favorite, Jordin Sparks? That was one of the cruelest things I've ever seen on tv show. They totally set her up too with "stay tuned for our most SHOCKING idol results." Well yes it was shocking because it was an outright LIE. Everybody, including Jordin had to know that she was one of the frontrunners. So what do they do? They RIG the results. Somebody definitely did get the lowest number of votes but we all damn well know it wasn't Jordin. But, hey lets torture her by first letting everyone else know they're safe and then put the elimination gun to her head, pull the trigger and.... "click." “Jordin you’re safe too.? MAN, THAT'S GREAT TV ISN'T IT?!! Fuck them.

I really think that Idol has peaked and is going to start losing viewers after this season. For one thing, does ANYONE with a brain find the early round auditions even watchable anymore? How many times can you hear the same joke? I, for one, completely skipped the early parade of delusional and cynical people until the Hollywood round. This will be the biggest season for Idol and also the beginning of the ratings slide.

Sam said...

Man, we gotta get you a sitcom to work on so you can stop watching crap TV.

By the way, stick with "Black" instead of Afro-American. I don't even know who we are anymore becasue we change it so damn much. Hell, I was fine with "Negro".

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I'm lucky, I don't get the Style Channel.

Anonymous said...

Re: Idol... It was truly revolting watching that parade of celebs posing, mugging & cavorting along to the Brothers Gibb. The first and second times we see the guy from "House," fine. But again? And again? And Dr. Phil's overly exposed mug with his overly worked on eyes? I agree, Ken, the show was dreadful & sanctimonious in too many ways to recount.

Seymour said...

I knew I was right to skip the whole show, and just tune in for the last ten minutes. I did end up seeing the torture-Jordin horror, but I was also rewarded by seeing Annie Lennox sing "Bridge Over Trouble Waters" and being reminded just what the contestants on this show are TRYING to do, because she was GREAT. (Of course, it's not news that Annie Lennox is great.)

Later someone showed me the "Staying Alive" video with all the celebs. Cute, but not worth sitting through two hours of Ryan & Simon meet poor people videos. And it was a pretty good "Jericho".

And you've made me glad I don't get the Style Channel.

Annie said...

Ummm....my roommates and i could not stop watching this show a couple weeks ago. The winner was an African American woman who's friend had gotten shot like 12 times and was fine and dandy.

R said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rashad Khan said...

BTW, that last comment? That was from me.

pageone said...

all I'm sayin'is that Instant beauty Pageant is like the women in Jerry Springer's audience have gone to the Cellulite City Mall...get buzzed doing redbull and estrogen shooters...then go buy one piece bathing suits from the Yasmine Bleeth collection at Dress Barn. Is Beauty Parlor Beatdown next on the Style Network development slate?

Anonymous said...

Instant Beauty Pageant (or IBP as I call it) was just nominated for a Daytime Emmy. I'm just saying.