Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Hey, look who stopped by to say hello

Hi, this is Babe Ruth. First I’d like to tip my cap to Ken for letting me be his guest blogger. Since it’s the start of baseball season and he's in San Diego covering the Dodgers (so no AMERICAN IDOL recap this week, which pisses me off too) he wondered if the old Bambino had any new curses and as a matter of fact I do. So woe be to the following:

THE NEW YORK YANKEES – for vacating the house that I built for a gaudy new stadium purely out of greed. The Red Sox ain’t moving from Fenway. The Cubs ain’t abandoning Wrigley. The Mets are one thing – Shea was a dump. But the original Yankee Stadium was a cathedral and you don’t raze it just so you can construct luxury pews. Good luck making new memories with Ramiro Pena. And fans beware, there are some seats with obstructed views. You can't see the players but you can see the in-stadium steak house.

HOLLYWOOD – for all those bad movies about me. William Bendix -- the guy from THE LIFE OF RILEY? And then John Goodman? Jesus Christ! Who’s next? Hillary Duff?

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS – What kind of pussy name is “Blue Jays”? How the hell is a Blue Jay supposed to strike fear in the hearts of opponents? “Blue Jays” wear pigtails and sell cookies, “Giants” stomp on people and get arrested with Mickey Rourke.

Same with…

THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM – When you think of an “angel” you don’t think some bad ass dude who’s gonna grind your guts into garters. Fuck no. You think of Nicole Kidman prancing with wood nymphs and shit. Who cares if you’re from Los Angeles, Anaheim, or California ? If your team name is “angels” your city of record is Fantasyland.

And along those lines…

THE HOUSTON ASTROS – Name me a team that cowers going in to “Minute Maid Park”. It might as well be “Summer’s Eve Stadium”. Get a better name! There are no fucking tool companies that are looking for corporate sponsorship?

ESPN – It’s bad enough you’ve saddled the great Jon Miller with Joe Morgan (pitchers need to throw strikes, we get it!) but now you’ve added Steve Phillips ? That’s like adding cufflinks on pants. There’s nothing either of those clowns could say that Jon Miller couldn’t say better and more succinctly (hey, look at me, using a word like succinctly!). Maybe Jon Miller should play me in the next movie. At least I’d sound smart.

PLAYERS WHO USE STEROIDS – Talent, conditioning, proper diet, and beer isn’t enough???

CBS – for canceling ALMOST PERFECT. That Nancy Travis was a cutie. If I were 30 years younger and alive…boy!

And finally…

LADY GAGA – What the fuck is that?!

Again, thanks to Ken for letting me blog with you today. If I have anything else to add I’ll send you all a Tweet. So long everybody!

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Completely agree on Lady Gaga...but Babe, the house that you built was torn down 35 years ago. I can't exactly shed a tear over the House that Joe Pepitone Built being vacant.

Dave Mackey said...

At least Minute Maid Field doesn't have the identity crisis that the Marlins have. What's their ball park named this week?

VP81955 said...

Thankfully, Babe didn't insult the Washington Nationals. Then again, judging from their play in the first two games, that would be in the realm of puppy-kicking, wouldn't it?

I like to think Babe has also put a curse on the Yankees for hiring John Sterling...now that Keith Olbermann's mom has gone to baseball heaven (http://keitholbermann.mlblogs.com/archives/2009/04/marie_olbermann_1929-2009.html), she at least gets to hear Mel Allen again.

wv: "monsist" -- a Frenchman, brought in for comic relief on an old movie, insisting, in his hilarious garbled English. (Or so the screenwriter thought.)

Joe said...

Dave, dunno about the current one -- locals still call it "Joe Robbie Stadium" -- but the next Marlins stadium will be called "Property Tax Increase Park." We're due for another unexpected World Series win, though.

Babe, have you noticed how Ken (in a purely professional sense, of course) seems to gravitate towards hotties such as Bebe Neuwirth and Nancy Travis?

Yeah. Me too.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious

John said...

Listening to last Saturday's Yanks-Cubs game on XM, I heard Mark Teixeria hit a three run home run into the bleachers, which resulted in John Sterling shouting this obviously three-months-in-preparation home run tag line, and I quote, with emphasis:

"That's a Tex-Message! You're on the Mark, Texieria!"

Sadly, I was nowhere near a bridge abutment to drive into.

All I can say is thank god (or Bud Selig) XM takes the home feed for all games, so I can avoid hearing that again when Teixeria homers on the road (with "The Giambino" in Oakland and "An A-Bomb! From A-Rod" on the sidelines or undergoing steroid detoxification until mid-May, I was hoping for a Sterling respite this month. How foolishly naive of me -- birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly, egotistical cretins gotta try and make their signature calls the story of the game.)

VP81955 said...

John Sterling is to Harry Kalas what Ted Baxter is to Edward R. Murrow.

wv: "phypi" -- 3.14, etc. with muscle. (And attitude.)

Mary Stella said...

American Idol wasn't much fun to recap this week anyway. I struggled. This Babe blog was much funnier.

Although, before The Babe starts throwing stones at field and team names . . .

*ducking*

Michael Green said...

Hey, The Babe used to do syndicated columns ghosted by Ford Frick, who went on to be the do-nothing commissioner of baseball. So The Babe today probably would be on mlblogs.com or some such place. Good to hear from him. I wish he had reported on how well he's hitting these days.

Anonymous said...

C'mon Babe, the stadium you built was already long gone after it was almost completely rebuilt in the 70's. What they razed was a crappy, ahistorical immitation.

Respecfully, Joao

Anonymous said...

Yes, I said exactly the same thing when I first saw Lady Gaga perform...

Tom Quigley said...

Babe,

Hope you get to share a beer or two with Mickey Mantle now and then. Now it won't hurt either of you....

VP81955 said...

Babe, we in D.C. wish you well. Say hi to Walter Johnson for us -- and tell him to transfer some of his spirit to Stephen Strasburg when the Nats draft him in June.

wv: "harier" -- a misspelled cross-country runner.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Lady Gaga should return the final a. Are people really stupid enough to buy her (his?) act? Bring back Tiny Tim.

Graham Powell said...

Funny, but me and a guy at work today were arguing if hot dogs, beer, and loose women constituted "perfomance enhancing substances". Apparently so!

benson said...

Coach always said "no sex" before the big game.

I'm pretty sure "The Bambino" followed the strict abstinence rule to a tee.

And to the above discussion about the Marlins. What the hell are they doing building this team a new stadium. They can't draw 10,000 now. Is a new stadium really going to pack them in.

John Pearley Huffman said...

So what's next? Do we get to hear from Ty Cobb on how today's players are pussies for wearing batting helmets? Maybe Tris Speaker will tell us about how real uniforms are supposed to itch? And I'm pretty sure that if anyone can make a solid case for NBC putting Jay Leno on five nights a week in prime time, it's Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

Lou Skannen said...

I love Lady GaGa.
How can you not listen to Poker Face and say:

Poker Face? I don't even know her .....

Paul Duca said...

Mr. Ruth...are you willing to take the responsibility for Nick Adnehart--the Angels pitcher who was killed by a drunk driver barely 24 hours after you tossed your curses around?
(not to mention the pitcher who killed his wife and himself--years after giving up the home run that won the AL pennant for the Red Sox in '86)

wv: eleigis--what people are offering Mr. Adenhart and the two other people who lost their lives in the same accident

Elbow P. Murderpants said...

Well lemme tell YOU somethin', Babe.

There are not only Blue Jays, but Orioles, too! And Cardinals, which are really not intimidating... (unless they live in the Vatican)

David K. M. Klaus said...

Tom Quigley said...

> Babe,
>
> Hope you get to share a beer or
> two with Mickey Mantle now and
> then. Now it won't hurt either
> of you....


And Roger Maris, too.

In Heaven there are no asterisks.

Mike Barer said...

A while back, I rented "Pride Of The Yankees" which featured the real Babe Ruth playing his character He really had a certain something that outshined his inability to act.

Thomas Beck said...

The Red Sox have been trying to leave Fenway for years. It's not any saintly lack of greed that keeps them stuck, it's the fact that they can't get Boston to give them free land on which to build a new stadium. (In fairness to the city of Boston, it is completely built out - the only free land in Boston might possibly extend to encompass a hopscotch court. Might.) The Yankees are greedy, no question. They also pay a huge portion of the league-wide luxury tax, which subsidizes other teams, teams trying to beat them. They also have a huge, fanatic fan base that demands a massive payroll leading to massive success. Don't make the Red Sox out to be anything less - if the Red Sox could leave Fenway, they'd be gone in less time than it takes John Sterling to say, "It is high - it is far - it is gone!"