I got new glasses recently. And by paying a little extra I got this spiffy feature where they darken in the sunlight.
They’re regular glasses! They’re sunglasses! All in one!
It’s an amazing thing.
Unless you go on television.
Last week I was invited to do a guest spot on the Dodger pre-game show for KCAL 9 in Los Angeles. It was a live broadcast. My Dodger Talk partner, Josh Suchon, and I were placed on the field for the segment. It was 6:40 in the evening. Dusk to be more poetic.
They turned on a big spotlight and we were on the air. We answered a few questions. All was going well. Or so I thought.
My glasses reacted to the spotlight as if “Hey, he’s looking right into the sun… from maybe the surface of Mercury”. As a result they got dark. And I mean DARK.
Depending on how charitable you wish to be, I looked either like one of the Blues Brothers or a complete idiot. Aw, who we kidding? A COMPLETE idiot.
I didn’t realize this until one of the hosts from the studio asked me about my sunglasses.
Sunglasses? I'm not wearing sunglasses. (then) Uh oh!
Imagine finding out you look stupid while on live television. I made some joke about my entourage letting me down but again, who we foolin’?
After the show the host that asked the question felt bad. Maybe I was blind or just had surgery or something. I shudder to think what the viewers thought. How can Ray Charles cover the Dodgers? The few times I do get my face on television I try not to horrify people.
It’s been several days. I’m still getting shit from my media buddies in the press box. I suspect it will go on for months (years?). Thank God I'm not currently on the writing staff of a sitcom. Stuff like this is comedy GOLD! Short of walking into the rewrite room wearing a toupee nothing would set off a barrage of vicious insults like this.
Oh, if I were only Jack Nicholson. And by the way, that’s not the first time I’ve said that.