Monday, January 11, 2010

My plan for saving AMERICAN IDOL without Simon

Okay. It’s official. This is Simon Cowell’s final season on AMERICAN IDOL. He signed a document right in front of the nations’ TV critics on Monday. No one bothered to check whether the document was real though. For all we know, he could have in fact signed a “Save BETTER OFF TED” petition but that’s besides the point. After nine years Simon is moving on to produce and star as a judge in his own show THE X-FACTOR next season. What are the chances Paula Abdul is throwing herself in front of his car at this very moment?

But the big question is – Can AMERICAN IDOL survive without Simon?

My answer is a resounding YES.

No less than F.X. Sillerman himself, the Chief Executive of the parent company that owns AI said, “Simon Cowell is a spectacular talent. Having said that, AMERICAN IDOL is much bigger than any one individual.” (This is in marked contrast to the statement given when Paula left. “You left some tap shoes in your dressing room. Could you have someone come pick them up?”)

Mr. Sillerman is right. The Chicago Bulls survived just fine when Michael Jordan retired. The PGA Tour will hardly even miss Tiger Woods. And Carly Simon now looks enough like Mick Jagger that she could easily replace him in the Rolling Stones and no one would notice.

So what should AMERICAN IDOL do? Yes, some changes will have to be made but they must be the right ones. This is no time for mis-steps. So these are my suggestions:

Change the title to AfterAMERICAN IDOL.

For Simon’s replacement, there is a way to save two networks at once – hire Conan O’Brien. (This is why I should be running a network and not Jeff Zucker.)

For celebrity mentors, instead of deadbeats like Paul Anka, rotate Jamie Farr, Harry Morgan, Rosalind Chao, and William Christopher. Hey, they’ll give better advice than Mariah Carey and know where they are.

Combine the results show with HOUSE.

And finally, don’t let the kids rehearse. You wanna take advantage of live TV? Give them the songs five minutes before airtime. Now you’ve got some suspense, America!

Implement these suggestions and AfterAMERICAN IDOL should run at least one year more.

You’re welcome.

I will be reviewing AMERICAN IDOL again this year. First recap late Tuesday night.

22 comments:

Max Clarke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ed said...

Kara and Ellen will presumably be staying, and that eunuch Randy, too.

Who the hell wants to tune into THAT panel? The show is toast.

Wait! I know! Susan Boyle. I am a genius.

Anonymous said...

Harry Morgan, sadly, is dead.

Mark Bennett

KEN LEVINE said...

No he's not. Harry is still alive I'm happy to say.

Paul Duca said...

Yes, Ken...but I do remember reading some time back that Harry and Mrs. Morgan had a little bit of unpleasantness and the police had to get involved. I don't remember exactly where I saw it, but I can assure you it was a respectable information source--I have no truck with tabloids of the electronic or dead tree variety.

benson said...

The Chicago Bulls are still in business, so, in that sense, they're still alive. But they went from six titles in 8 years to 13-37 (strike year) to 17-63. And those kind of numbers in TV get you canceled.

DwWashburn said...

My wife tells me that in this week's issue of EW, Ellen said "If Simon goes I go." And she's got enough money to buy out her contract.

John said...

"The X-Factor"? Is Simon going to be rating contestants for their paranormal abilities next season?

Rory L. Aronsky said...

"The X-Factor"? Is Simon going to be rating contestants for their paranormal abilities next season?

Guest judges to include The Cigarette Smoking Man, proudly presented by R.J. Reynolds. ;)

Anonymous said...

ok, so the problem here is...what? they need an unlikable pain-in-the-ass sociopath type to tell the 'hard truths', and become hated, like the bad guys in pro rasslin'?

2 words, babee: "nancy" "grace". NObody likes that woman. plus if the bad singer is a *man* (shudder), she can ask all kinds of snide questions when she shreds him. "do you sing that bad when you beat your girlfriend?!?"

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Anonymous 11:56 for many wins! :)

YEKIMI said...

Hell, I wish Simon would stay. Without him bitching about everyone I can no longer call it American Midol.

Roger Owen Green said...

Lessee a list of alt judges:
Tom DeLay - he has reality show experience (DWTS)
Rush Limbaugh - he knows how to bring attention to himself
Brit Hume - he could badger the other judges to become Christians; good drama there.

Anyone else?

rms said...

Looking forward to your reviews, Ken. I never watch the show but I ALWAYS read your reviews!

Greg Morrow said...

Does "Better Off Ted" need saving? 'Cause it's awesome, and everybody should be watching it.

empirecookie said...

nancy grace - "do you sing that bad when you beat your girlfriend?"

LOL !!!

SuperBK said...

Good one Ken. I love the fact that you can fun of "AfterMash". I have to admit I never got into it, but then, I wasn't into 24 until at least season 3.
Brian

blogward said...

Your scenario, Ken, means that Simon Cowell could find himself in competition with himself, showrunner-wise. This is in fact his secret plan. Ultimately Simon will be doing all the acts AND the phone voting, too.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

How about someone with Ellen's qualifications? Oh, wait, she doesn't have any. Sorry.

richard Y said...

Follow-up...If Tiger was on steroids as some suspect and has been written about, he also should be removed from the books. Although he would be hard pressed giving all the money back as his wife and child will get most of what ever he has left.

Richard Y said...

OK for some reason my original post did not make it before my follow-up.
Perhaps this has been answered before but what happens in the record books? Is there an '*' now placed by the players name and record number indicating that this was acomplished with the help of drugs? If so - IT DOES NOT COUNT!!! And names and numbers should be removed.

Anonymous said...

Is Don Rickles available?