Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My review of AMERICAN IDOL

Back for another year of reviewing AMERICAN IDOL. Since this is Simon's last it's probably mine too. Maybe next year I'll focus on HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD 2.

Season 9 of IDOL began with an acknowledgment of all the changes. Paula left the series to pursue obscurity. We were told nine guest judges would appear on the audition rounds vying for Paula’s spot and they must’ve all done fantastic since Ellen DeGeneres got the job.

First up guest judgewise was painfully thin Victoria Beckham. My droll daughter Annie, who watched with me, shouted out, “Give her a sandwich! You’d think David Beckham could provide!”

Victoria’s musical credentials are impeccable. She was Posh in the Spice Girls. And now Ryan refers to her as a “Fashion Icon”. Oh really? I don’t think those doily-laced headbands are going to catch on other than for tying your garbage bags. Here’s an example of her expert assessment of a singer’s performance: “I love the jeans, the shirt.”

Posh offered nothing in the way of insight or personality, which still made her better than Kara. How the hell is she back for another year? Kara Dioguardi and Jeff Zucker – the two people who can’t get fired. I’m reminded of that great line – “Who do you have to fuck to get off this picture?”

Randy Jackson is also back – wearing more make-up than Kara, Victoria, and even Ryan. And what was with the Playskool watch? Did “Fashion Icon” Posh suggest that? Randy unveiled some exciting new meaningless catch-phrases for the season. “Doin’ it big!” and my personal favorite, “You’re a cool guy. Great hang!”

The show started out in Boston. 9000 delusional guttersnipes getting drenched in a pouring rain. And not one of them I’m sure could appreciate the metaphor.

They started right off with a classic nut. Some whacko girl who kept auditioning to the AMERICAN IDOL video game. And when the animated Simon said she was good enough she entered the real competition. She was horrendous. Annie said they should recall the game if it put her through. Her idea of rehearsing, by the way, was to practice jumping.

There was the obligatory parade of idiots – girls who dressed like Diablo Cody if Diablo Cody was blind and guys decked out like Michael Jackson, the Marlboro Man, and the Burger King. This year’s atrocious William Hung Asian kid massacred Eric Carman’s “All By Myself”. And we had two or three lunatics who mistook grand mal seizures for dance steps. One cretin actually still thought Paula was there.

All of the losers broke down crying. “Simon’s wrong!” “I’m a great singer, I know I am.” “I just took the steroids to heal faster.

There were heart-tugging stories galore – cancer and down syndrome and dying grandmothers with dementia. All of these contestants got through to Hollywood of course. You’re never going to hear, “Well, you have only one year to live and you can’t sing.”

Ryan said one contestant got a “One-way ticket to Hollywood.” Uh, does that mean he has to pay his own way home? I guess the economic crunch has even caught up to AMERICAN IDOL.

My favorite aspirants: the drummer who broke both wrists after falling out of a tree, some Clark Kent-looking guy who was pissed he had to wait all day (this really irked Kara who intimated that if you’re going to make it in the music industry you better have a talent for waiting), and finally – a blond stoner with horrible skin (I love my HD) who said he was going to try to sound like his idol, Chris Brown. Why Chris Brown? Because “he touches young kids all over the world.” Yeah, he sure touched young Rihanna. He beat the crap out of her. Stoner Boy was rejected but he was satisfied with his performance. As he said, “I did what I had to do. I hit really loud notes.”

More auditions tonight but I’m skipping those because, well it’s the same show as this one. Only the sob stories and costumes will change. Oh, and the guest judge. Not sure but I think it's Captain Beefheart.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Has "Posh" ever been photographed smiling? I've never seen a more miserable looking "fashion icon".

Rory L. Aronsky said...

This:

First up guest judgewise was painfully thin Victoria Beckham. My droll daughter Annie, who watched with me, shouted out, “Give her a sandwich! You’d think David Beckham could provide!”

And this:

All of the losers broke down crying. “Simon’s wrong!” “I’m a great singer, I know I am.” “I just took the steroids to heal faster.”

Are why I visit your blog every single day, short of actually stalking you. Bravo again and again, maestro!

Craig said...

I want Victoria Beckham on every week. She is amazingly more frail and nicer to the contestants than Paula. Who would have thought that was possible? Her irritation at Simon for rolling his eyes at her worthless comments was priceless.

Jonathan said...

I'm with you on the conflation of tear-jerking backstories and the ability to sing. Just once I would like to see a really touching story about triumph over tragedy result in a truly horrendous version of "We Are the Champions" and a round of scathing dismissals from Simon.

On another note, I can't believe that I only now noticed that they seem to add a touch of reverb in post to the good auditions. The butchers get nothing but room tone.

Tom Quigley said...

I think I once saw a statue of Victoria Beckham in the Ancient Egypt Sculpture Room at the British Museum... Or maybe it was in the Mummy Room...

Charles H. Bryan said...

Craig, I also found her to be more personable than I thought she would be - but then I expected her to be a stoic ice queen, so the bar was low.

My big complaint is that American Idol should have believed in its own format -- they should have let us get a look at eight possible judges and phone vote for the ones we want.

Ken, you need to put warning labels on your posts -- Too Funny For Workplace (TFFW).

swedishfish said...

I could see the stoner's horrible skin on my non-HD cable and 12-year-old TV/VCR combo.

Mary Stella said...

Victoria Beckham looks like the love child of Joan Collins and Twiggy.

Anonymous asked:
Has "Posh" ever been photographed smiling? I've never seen a more miserable looking "fashion icon".

Possibly. Prior to Botox.

If she's physically able to smile now, she might choose not to lest she risk putting creases in the spray tan.

Angie said...

Let's all rip the skinny woman a new one...'cause the others on the panel are all such perfect specimens they're beyond reproach!

Who cares if she smiles? Or is thin? Criticize her lack of music credibility if you must but as to the rest...meh.

Rock Golf said...

I've come to the conclusion that (Randy's weight) X (Randy's vocabulary) is a constant. The less he weighs, the more variety of words he uses.

Note for example, last night's complete absence of "for me, for you".

WV: probe. Really? They ran out of non-words?

all2010videos said...

I want it too. I am waiting for this episode to come. I love to watch them exposing their talents as an Idol.

dvestv said...

So we both vote for her. I love Victoria Beckham.

Tallulah Morehead said...

“he touches young kids all over the world.”

Bad skin guy (It showed up on my non-HD TV too) must have loved Michael Jackson also.

It was the girl who thought passing the video game (which is, of course, programmed to pass you eventually. Who would buy a computer program that would just insult your singing forever?) meant passing the real judges who also was convinced that Kara was Paula. I loved that way kept telling her, "Paula's gone," and she'd say, "I know, I know," and 30 seconds later call Kara "Paula" again. And then, after being unanimously rejected for her toneless shrieking, she told Ryan that while Simon had claimed to dislike her (After all, her Simon avatar liked her, so Real Simon must be lying.), nonetheless, "Paula" still wanted to pass her. Honey, Paula, watching at home, said no to you too.

The minute they start telling a story that will "touch your heart," I hit "Mute." No suspense, because, as you accurately pointed out, they never reject someone whose miserable backstory (She was raised by bears, and then the bears got polio,), and I don't tune in to be touched. I tune in to see teh delusional freaks make fools of themselves, and tehn hear Simon slam them.

I'll bet they do reject some of the horrible backstory folks, but we never see their backstories. I mean what kind of home did Bad-Skin Guy come from that he finds Chris Browne a role model, and sees "touching young kids all over the world" as laudable rather than creepy? Somewhere (Switzerland), Roman Polanski was saying, "I like this guy."

The sick, evil part of me wanted, when the girl whose grandmother has Alzheimer's called Granny to tell her she passed through to Hollywood, to then hear over the phone: "Who are you? What is Hollywood? Why are you tormenting me this way? Leave me alone, whoever you are!!!"

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

A spammer got through, Ken. I wish there was a way to blow his computer up remotely.

Alan Coil said...

"I don’t think those doily-laced headbands are going to catch on other than for tying your garbage bags."

Headbands for cancer victims who have lost their hair can also double as headbands for the anorexics who are losing their hair.

Somebody get that woman to a doctor.

By putting her on the air, American Idol is promoting anorexia, and perhaps is hoping she will die on camera so they can get an exclusive.

Daniel Iffland said...

I would say Posh's look was "carved from wood".

Anonymous said...

Ken, was that a Clash reference or am I reaching? If it was...God bless you.

Dr. Leo Marvin said...

"Kara Dioguardi and Jeff Zucker – the two people who can’t get fired."

They have the same winning personality, but Zucker is cuter.