Sunday, January 24, 2010

What I'd do with Conan's money

My dream was never to host THE TONIGHT SHOW. It was for someone to pay me 32 million dollars to go away. So I started thinking, if someone wrote me a check for $32 million to let Jay Leno take over my blog what would I do with the money? Here are some possibilities.

Of course I’d give to Haiti and other deserving causes of my choice (although I do that anyway).

I’d buy my daughter, Annie a teacup pig.

I'd buy enough Sham Wows to keep that guy off the air.

Get an apartment in Manhattan. My lovely wife is a native New Yorker and has always wanted a place in the city where she could go to escape from me.

Get a condo in Maui and finally pursue my dream of fire dancing at the Marriott Hotel luau.

Put a down payment on a new Apple “Tablet”.

Travel with the Dodgers. I do that now from time to time but I have to load and unload all the luggage and drive the team bus. It would be nice to have drinks on the flight instead of just serving them.

Let everybody take my SITCOM ROOM seminar for free.

Get a ’56 T-Bird convertible (white and turquoise of course) and drive around the country searching for hamburger joints that have car service.

Arrange to have a detailed family tree researched and have bobble heads made for each relative.

I’d reconstruct FRASIER’S living room in my house and even opt for the additional expense of a fourth wall.

Buy a theater in Branson, Missouri for Gary Lewis & the Playboys so fans can thrill to their music all year long!

When one of my kids gets married, even though I had already planned on paying for the wedding – have an open bar and not a no-host bar.

Fund the campaign of any politician who vows to get ALMOST PERFECT released on DVD.

Show up at my high school reunion with all the models from DEAL OR NO DEAL.

Visit Bhutan, and not just the tourist sections.

Still not renew my UCLA basketball tickets – not for what they plan on charging starting next year.

17 comments:

Baylink said...

Do you have any insights, Ken, on whether you're *doing* Sitcom again this year (please say yes, please say yes, please, pretty please... sugar, Splenda, take your pick)

catose: the artificial sweetner I forgot to mention...

Anonymous said...

Why stop at Frasier's living room? Do this:

Niles' front room for your front room
Frasier's living room for your living room/second room
a bar like Cheers to watch games
Monica's living room from Friends for guests
Seinfeld's apt for existential kvetching
Will and Grace's apt for when your lovely wife wants to go to NY and get away from you but can't get away because of LA stuff
oh, and Charlie's house from Two and a Half Men would be the section of the house that opens up to the beach

Well, that's what I what I would do, anyway. I need to stop watching so many sitcoms

rob! said...

I'd hire the cast of M*A*S*H to reenact my favorite episodes in my living room. I'd play the Henry and Frank parts.

rose said...

so cool.

Vermonter17032 said...

Yes, I've got to get one of those gigs where I'm paid handsomely NOT to work.

YEKIMI said...

I'd use it to hire someone to "whack" Jay Leno. Ergo, problem solved, Conan gets the Tonight Show back and NBC can show "The Best Of Billy Mays" infomercials at 10 PM that would probably get higher ratings.

Susie said...

nice. if i had the $ i'd quit my tv copywriting job to be able to... write more packets to land a late-night comedy writing job, write that book, write a screenplay... take your sitcom class. i'm currently the breadwinner, healthcare winner, childcare winner -- and my dreams aren't travel or luxury based. i just want time to write, something other than one-handed blog comments.

Tom Quigley said...

Ken said...

"Buy a theater in Branson, Missouri for Gary Lewis & the Playboys so fans can thrill to their music all year long!"...

How about also buying a video game manufacturer that would create a game for them: "Jewish Rock Band"...

Mike Bell said...

Would you also have the ratty recliner in your living room as well?

tb said...

and make bobbleheads of all of us loyal blog watchers. I wanna bobblehead!

Anonymous said...

Hawaii's tourist industry is already suffering enough - somehow, I don't think ads announcing "Now featuring paunchy TV Writer with fire" will bring back the tourists...


But the big question: with $32M, would you buy the rights to the masturbating bear?


vw: comes. Given your problems with being blocked as porn, I'll just decline any comment... since I already mentioned the bear...

AlaskaRay said...

>>Arrange to have a detailed family tree researched and have bobble heads made for each relative.<<

My relatives are already all bobbleheads. I would, however, hire someone to go to the gym for me every day.

Ray

Bob and Rob Professional American Writers said...

I'd buy the Dodgers a "lights out" lefty! That would pay for about half a season, I'm guessing. Bob

Anonymous said...

"I’d buy my daughter, Annie a teacup pig."

The way that's written, you're saying that your daughter is a teacup pig and you are going to buy her.

Punctuation matters.

christopher said...

I'd wait seven months...take a prime time spot...then make a deal to come back for late-night when Leno starts to falter.

Anonymous said...

"Visit Bhutan, and not just the tourist sections."

*Dreamy Sigh*

Me too.........

Orel said...

"I’d reconstruct FRASIER’S living room in my house and even opt for the additional expense of a fourth wall."

Why? You would never acknowledge it.