Monday, April 26, 2010

Summer Movie Preview 2

Here's the conclusion of my annual Summer Movie Preview.

GROWN UPS – a movie not intended for people who are.

MARMADUKE – when they’re down to making this comic strip into a movie the only one left is Bazooka Joe .

KILLERS – Katherine Heigl as a Kathleen Turner ROMANCING THE STONE-like character. Yeah, but we LIKED Kathleen Turner.

INCEPTION – A Christopher Nolan movie starring Leo DiCaprio. They’re being very hush-hush on the storyline. Even knowing nothing about it I’m more interested to see this than anything else this summer. Just the fact that it doesn’t have a 2 at the end of its title is enough to get me into the theater.

KNIGHT AND DAY – Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in a stuntfest with one-liners. Before you see it, do the math. Out of every boxoffice dollar Cruise probably gets twenty cents. And a good portion of that goes to the Church of Scientology. Wouldn’t a better use of your money be setting it on fire?

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU – Part thriller, part love story, part political drama, and part science-fiction. I’d trade all of that for part porn but it’s still intriguing. Stars Matt Damon and Emily Blunt. I like those parts.

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT – when your father is an anonymous sperm donor, what do you get him for Father’s Day, a subscription to HUSTLER and a cup?

THE PREDATORS – The original did so well the studio demanded a sequel… 16 years later.

THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE – Jay Baruchel plays Mickey Mouse in this remake of the classic cartoon from FANTASIA. For the sake of authenticity Baruchel had two fingers removed.

THE LAST AIRBENDER – M. Night Shyamalan makes one bomb after another and not only still gets movies greenlit, he gets bigger budgets. That’s his true genius. This is adapted from a Nickelodeon cartoon show. Hollywood’s new motto: “Anything but an original idea.”

EAT PRAY LOVE – Julia Roberts proves her versatility as an actress by doing all three.

GOING THE DISTANCE – Raunchy sex swearfest starring Drew Barrymore… I mean, “romantic comedy” starring Drew Barrymore.

LOTTERY TICKET – I just want to see the marquee. Stars Bow Wow and Ice Cube.

THE EXPENDABLES – Dirty Dozen type action movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Mickey Rourke. When their retirement village is threatened it’s time to mobilize!

19 comments:

cpjalufka said...

Ugh. Nothing good in the bunch. As much as I love, adore, and cherish all things Pixar - two sequels coming out this year? Cars 2 and Toy Story 3? Didn't John Lasseter have some nasty words about Disney's penchant for pumping out useless straight-to-DVD sequels? If they hit the screen does that give them value?

Pixar has given me no reason to doubt them, but then sequels have given countless examples as to why they should be avoided.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

MARMADUKE – when they’re down to making this comic strip into a movie the only one left is Bazooka Joe .

Ken, they're working on that, too:

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/05/22/bazooka-joe-mov/

Tim W. said...

Not that I'm planning on seeing it, but it's actually just called Predators, and the original, which was actually surprisingly good, came out in 1987, not 16 years ago (although I'd feel a lot younger if it was). There was one sequel and then a couple of Aliens vs Predator movies that bombed.

I agree about Inception and The Adjustment Bureau, although know virtually nothing about either.

And if I have to listen to people laughing heartily over that stupid Grown Ups trailer one more time- especially the part where the guy falls from the rope swing- I'm going to lose it.

Sebastian said...

Great. Just great.

Another sequel to a post by you, Ken.

AND! you did "Summer Movie Preview" last year already. And the year before that.

Too lazy to work just because you are on tour? For shame!

rob! said...

I have no idea if Knight & Day is a good movie, but man I love that poster.

Btw, after Marmaduke, there's still Ziggy, The Family Circus, and Andy Capp movies to be made (starring, respectively, James Gandolfini, The Duggar Family, and Robert Carlyle).

gih said...

That's a cool movie ever for me. :-)

Mike H. said...

I'm holding out for The Adventures of Smilin' Jack (in 3D, natch).
It's like the movies have become TV series.

A. Buck Short said...

Was going to say your Annual Summer Movie Review was so insightful you should think about doing it every year, but then that guy stepped on my line -- all the way from Germany! Sebastian, if you have any spare change left over after the Greeks, “Will work for euros.”

For a college TV production class, I wrote and directed a 3-camera Sorcerer’s Apprentice, of course leaving everything until the last minute; requiring two of those proverbial “all-nighters” (er, excuse me, All Knighters) in a row. The second night somebody proffered a couple of amphetamines to help me through, because Red Bull apparently hadn’t yet been invented. I had one sequence involving a play on the word “bats” – the flying hanging upside down kind, and the baseball kind. I decided to construct a “batmobile” where shadows of three or five suspended flying cardboard bats could be projected onto the cyc. Eight o’clock the following morning I still had no blocking, but something like 27 cardboard bats.

Tom Quigley said...

All this crap coming out this summer and I still can't get a read for my monumental screenplay ATTACK OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT VAMPIRE ZOMBIE LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS... Well, I haven't tried Fox yet...

Kirk Jusko said...

If they're going to do Bazooka Joe, then maybe they should consider those Charles Atlas ads/comics that used run in comic books, the one where the guy got sand kicked in his face, took "Dynamic Tension" lessons, punched out the bully, and became Hero of the Beach!

Phil said...

Ken, so when is a movie going to be made based on your blog? Just think of the possibilities--and the potential cast of characters!

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Amen on what you said about Tom "Smirking Dwarf" Cruise. Really, people, stop seeing his lousy movies. You're only helping to support the odious cult he pushes.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Btw, after Marmaduke, there's still Ziggy, The Family Circus, and Andy Capp movies to be made (starring, respectively, James Gandolfini, The Duggar Family, and Robert Carlyle).

I would actually see the latter, if they also cast Brenda Blethyn as Flo.

WV: aution - A charity auction to benefit compulsive misspellers.

Norgard said...

M. Night Shyamalan makes one bomb after another and not only still gets movies greenlit, he gets bigger budgets.

At least Hollywood's new motto is better than the old one: "Anything but research."

Shyamalan's only bomb was "Lady in the Water". Discounting "Lady" and now "Airbender", his budgets have actually steadily decreased since "Unbreakable", while all movies have made more than three times their budget. Which is not to say that they're not awful. Just that they're still popular. And that the joke doesn't really fit the situation.

But hey, anything but an original joke, eh?

A. Buck Short said...

Ditto, but not sure which one of us has the other beat. 1993 Toyota Supra, with 151,000 (and I believe likely the same engine as a 1992-93 Lexus). Once considered fastest and furious, and still rather sporty, now that there are even pickup trucks with twice the hp. People compliment me on how nice I “keep” it. What keep it? Every time something breaks I just get it repaired or replaced. Let me replicate the sound the engine was making the last time I rolled it into the dealership: “Dada-dada-dada-da, Da-dada-dada-dada-dada-da. DA DADA DA…dada dada dadada… Then, and it may only be my imagination: DA! DA! DA! DA!…dada dada dada da…. DA! DA! DA! DA!…dada dada dada da…. DA, dada dada da da dada, dada da da dada dada dada dad .” Yes that's right, Le Galop from Orpheus in the Undercarriage (Can Can), which my mechanic suggested was appropriate not only because I’m so Offenbach, but because the Cam Cams were Tooloose and warped (approx $4,000).

One of its principal continuing assets is the back seat which we soon discovered could only accommodate either a midget or some sort of Easter European contortionist. Makes an ideal car seat for dogs, however; they’re wedged in so tight, no place to be “thrown” on impact. Still kind of sporty, and two additional idiosyncratic benefits in having kept it. The kids collecting the carts in the supermarket lots (and still, now that they’re working elsewhere) always used to say either: 1) “I always wanted one of those” or 2) “Thinking of selling it?” The second question is always the same, “Turbo?” Also, if I ever get into philandering, pretty sure it might help me pick up now 50-60 year-old women.

Also have a personal version of the old “Ax that Washington used to chop down the cherry tree” story. Noting how fond I appeared to be of my old leather army belt with its removable brass buckle, my wife had the belt part replaced for me as a surprise when it finally wore out. Then I lost the buckle, and she found and identical one to that as well. Which begs the question….

Although I know the concept is now probably foreign to you, it’s time to head up to the attic and retrieve the summer clothes. Unlike you, unless my wife answers the phone from the kidney fund or leukemia society asking if we’ve got anything to leave out front this week, I pretty much try to save the old wardrobe under the theory that we shrink as we get older, so they’ll probably fit again – forgetting how they’d look. (Not being a “clothes hoard” I assume you are never given to wonder if you appear to others the way those guys in the 50’s did, who for some reason decided to persist in parting their hair in the middle like they’d done 30 years earlier.)

ExurbanMom said...

I would encourage you to check out the source material on The Last Airbender. It's a terrific anime-style cartoon on Nickelodeon, and it has all the hallmarks of a really good show: good writing, good editing, amazing music, wonderful voice casting, solid worldbuilding and a story arc that's got humor and pathos and really, it's terrific. My kid and I love that show. There are few cartoons that I can stomach, but that one I actively enjoy.

The only question is whether or not Mr. Shyamalan will make good use of the source material. The previews look amazing....

Matt Patton said...

None of these movies sound particularly interesting--b ut I would recommend getting PIRATE RADIO on video if you can. Or at least the soundtrack. Nah, get the movie. It's got plenty of people you know are funny (Emma Thompson, Nick Frost) and more than a few who might surprise you (Bill Nighy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman--playing the most normal human being of his screen career--which probably isn't saying much). Oh, and a nice young man loses his virginity. Almost on the air.

Noah said...

Will the New York Times review of "Lottery Ticket" refer to Mr. Wow and Mr. Cube?

Greg Ehrbar said...

Someone named Michael D. Eisner has been very excited about the prospects of a Bazooka Joe movie...and more. Lookit...
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/cartoon-culture/eisners-new-mouse.html