Sunday, April 25, 2010

Summer Movie Preview

Hello from New York. It’s time once again for the Summer Movie Preview, a look at all the explosions, sequels, prequels, and spinoffs Hollywood will be offering to get your last entertainment dollar.

SALT – Action adventure developed for Tom Cruise now starring Angelina Jolie because they wanted someone more masculine.

ROBIN HOOD – Russell Crowe adding extra dimension to the legendary character. For the first time ever Robin Hood sleeps with all of Maid Marion’s friends and is hostile to hotel employees.

PRINCE OF PERSIA -- Jerry Bruckheimer turns another video game into a movie. Coming this holiday season from Jerry: FREE CELL in 3D.

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS – Taken from a very funny French film, LE DINER DE CONS, it stars Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd. The comedy is supposed to be very rough. So far, what’s not to love?

MACGRUBER – Saturday Night Live sketch that always felt like it was 90 minutes long now actually is.

SOLITARY MAN – Michael Douglas juggling various relationships. Unfortunately, Michael’s real life drama seems more interesting than the movie.

SEX AND THE CITY 2 – The first of a thousand sequels this summer. This time Manhattan’s adorable sluts head off for ribald adventures in the party capital of the world – the Middle East. SEX AND THE SUNI.

SHREK FOREVER AFTER – What difference does it make? It’s all about the opening weekend and selling DVD’s.

IRON MAN 2 – Not that they’re stretching things just to pop out a sequel but Iron Man faces his biggest challenge – an evil genius with a can opener.

MOTHER AND CHILD – Drama exploring mother/daughter dynamics, zzzzzzzzz. Hot sex scene between Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson! I don't know if he plays the "evil" man in this or the "righteous" man but he sure plays the "lucky" man.

GET HIM TO THE GREEK – Reprise of the whacko English rock star from FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. So not a sequel but a spinoff. Jonah Hill must escort him from London to LA. And do every drug joke imaginable before they get there. They achieve their goal by Omaha.

A-TEAM – B-movie.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE – Another Twilight movie? How many is that in the past year? Five? Six? It’s the Octomom of franchises.

THE KARATE KID – Well this one needed to be remade. They left out two kicks.

TOY STORY 3 – Yes, another sequel but this is from Pixar so expect it to be funny, fresh, and original. And it gives Don Rickles some work.

Part 2 2morrow.

16 comments:

Tim W. said...

Wow. I was looking forward to some of the summer movies until I read this. Of course, it can't be any worse than last summer. I think that was, hands down, the worst summer of movies that I can remember.

carmanah said...

I'm looking forward to the A-Team movie, mostly because I'm a nerd who grew up on the TV show and I'm wondering how they'll ruin it for me.

Tim W. said...

I used to love the A-Team as a kid, too. I think the best way to ruin it is to go back and rewatch the original.

Stephen Gallagher said...

Get him to the Greek sounds like a back-door remake of My Favorite Year.

Kevinmacduff7137 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles H. Bryan said...

"A-Team -- B-Movie" -- I love that line.

When I was a kid reading Marvel Comics, one of Iron Man's villains was The Gladiator, a guy who had buzz saws on the back of each wrist. His basic plan was essentially to open that armor like a tuna can.

There was also a guy with a ray gun that would melt the armor. He was called The Melter.

Anyway, thanks for the warnings, Ken. I can plan for more time outdoors.

@Stephen Gallagher -- Nice to know I wasn't the only one who thought that.

William C Bonner said...

I've watched and enjoyed "LE DINER DE CONS" and just think I'd cringe through an entire viewing of an american version.

BigTed said...

"Macgruber" is actually picking up a reputation for being really funny.

Of course, most "SNL"-derived movies are among the worst comedies ever made, but the few that work ("Wayne's World," for instance) are pretty great.

blogward said...

These are not made up, are they. Oh God.

Ian said...

Okay, maybe a couple of cheap shots there, but from the sound of most of these films richly deserved. For the record, I believe Tom Cruise is considered quite macho on his home planet.

What I really don't get is why they continue to beat the dead horse that is "Sex and the City" (yeah, I know - money probably has something to do with it). I've never seen more than a few minutes of the series (has any straight guy ever sat through an entire episode?), but the thought of spending $10 to see four botoxed, brow-lifted bimbos knocking around Abu Dhabi talking about high heels and vaginal rejuvenation is enough to bring up my lunch.

Sophie-Marie said...

Ken, can I interview you for my English 12 final? I'm supposed to get three people from three different industries that I admire, and I already have an humanitarian aid worker and a doctor, but I'm stuck on a writer, and you are definitely my first choice. The resulting interview gets marked and published in our school paper, which is a twice yearly insert in the Simcoe Times-Reformer (the paper in the nearest city). If you would agree it would mean the world to me. I'll do it by e-mail, so it won't take too much time out of your day.
p.s.
'Point of View' from M*A*S*H is my favourite television episode of all time.

A_Homer said...

Having just experienced "Date Night" I still hold firmly to the belief that SNL writers can't do feature length anything, but can manage at best 45 min for television. Tina Fey for example, is a genius, but the point of the film is just to insert more space for 'action' like: "Cool car appears, slowly driving up and finally over to the side of the street. Driver parks the car, then both he and his passenger open their doors and exit into the street. The stand and stare, looking for address..." The scenes that follow had no need for any of this, and in general, many of THOSE scenes could be cut in half again. It was so painfully slow watching these "feature length" filler sections, when you know the speed of 30 Rock. I think that stretching out what is 45 min to 90 min is part of the problem with most of the SNL-to-film story. The good stuff has a great tempo and speed necessary for comedy, but for the most part, those movies are full of scene filler.
As for "Shrek", well... I think the problem is laziness -- you can't just cite all the writing-circle's favorite pop culture references all the time, the time-warp factor adds up to be too uncanny. But I still give alot of credit to the characterizations, which one can still marvel a bit at.

dodz said...

i really love those movie.

Christina said...

I'd be worried about them screwing up Le Diner De Cons, but with those two leads, we might get a Birdcage out of it. The Robin Williams/Nathan Lane version of La Cage Aux Folles was a fun treat.

Matt Patton said...

I thought that Hollywood had given up on bad remakes of Francis Veber movies (even Veber himself perpetuated a couple of them--great story about that on Earl Pomerantz's blog). Who knows, may it will work this time . . .

Sabeen said...

I am waiting in two movie. Iron Man II and A-team. Both movies still a Big hit Films in Hollywood.