Wednesday, May 26, 2010

When AMERICAN IDOL was fun

As I mentioned before, this is the last year I’ll review AMERICAN IDOL. Tonight’s finale will be my finale as well. But to help get you in the mood, here’s my blog version of a clip show. Some random snarky observations from the last four seasons' worth of reviews.

Adam Lambert is the illegitimate love child of Freddy Mercury and Liza Minelli. He sang “Ring of Fire” but in the more traditional pre-Hitler Berlin cabaret style.

Allison Irahets is a 40-year-old divorced mother of Mickey Rourke’s twins living in the body of a 16-year-old. When all her friends are watching High School Musical she must be watching Hud.

Danny Noriega is the contestant most likely to become one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes. He sang “Superstar” for 70s week but who are we kidding? He should have sung “My Girl Bill”.

Is there one part of Diana Ross’ face and body that she has not had redone… at least twice? She is now officially the world’s weirdest Chia Pet. And when she was hugging Sanjaya I could swear she whispered, “I love you, Michael.” The ick meter was pegging the red.

Who knew? Amanda Overmyer is a “book worm”. What does she read? English literature? Russian novels? No. Rock star biographies. That still makes her the intellectual of this bunch. With the wild streaks in her hair and zebra slacks I thought she was joining the cast of CATS.

Could they pad the show any more? Christ! It was so long Paula’s drugs were wearing off.

Then came Jason Castro. Imagine Lisa Edelstein with dreadlocks.

In the getting-to-know-you segment with Jason Castro we learned that he’s an idiot and takes pride in it. Bullwinkle could have done a better job answering simple questions. Maybe after the show he and Paula can collect string.

Paris Bennett will play Gary Coleman in the touring company of AVENUE Q.

Megan Joy sported a Connie Stevens hairdo and bludgeoned “For Once In My Life”. I imagine she made the same sounds when they were burning the tattoos into her arm.

Michael Sarver sang “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” all the while pickin’ and a-grinnin’. I guess when a boy from Jasper, Texas pleads to a girl to not dump him he smiles because if she doesn’t comply he can just tie her ankles and throw her in a sack.

Phil Stacey could easily win AMERICAN SERIAL KILLER.

As always, they saved the best for last. David Archuleta sang a fabulous interpretation of “Imagine’. The judges were knocked out by the originality. And they should be. When Eva Cassidy first sang it that way years ago on one of her albums it was quite extraordinary. Much better than Archuleta’s original cover.

Now that the kids not attractive enough for FOX have been weeded out we can get down to business. This was Country Night and the guest mentor was Randy Travis (or, for you non Country fans: Thomas Hayden Church).

I would LOVE to see Bob Dylan as the guest star one week. He would coach the kids and they would all say, “What?” “Huh?” “Could you repeat that?” “What did he say?”

And since Paula can only parrot what the guest says, it would be fun to hear her say to a finalist, “Like Bob said I think, you were either great or terrible.”

When the judges were telling Haley they thought her song was safe what they were really saying was, “Go back to the halter top!!!”

Of all the bizarre looking contestants that have tried out for AMERICAN IDOL this season none have even come close to guest judge Carole Bayer Sager. Yikes! She looked like a trampoline with eyes.

Last week the guest dead weight was Jewel. She could not have looked more uncomfortable if she were sitting with the Menendez Brothers and O.J. Simpson. Favorite moment: when she mumbled to a contestant that he had no personality.

Katherine McPhee will join the Johnny Mann Singers and be heard on KRTH jingles. Will try to make a niche for herself in the standards market. Will discover there is no standards market. Will marry, have kids, and be forever bitter that Linda Eder has her career.

Now that Sanjaya has been voted off, AMERICAN IDOL turned to another charity, the fight against poverty. It was AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK week. Similar to the Jerry Lewis telethon except it only lasted one hour not nineteen, and Paula had all the jewelry not Wayne Newton. It was a worthy cause and a lovely gesture but an “historic event in television?” I don't think so. That would be the night Randy had an original thought. We’re still waiting for that historic night.

And while we’re on the subject of overstatement – Ryan asking viewers to vote saying “it’s the most important call you could ever make.” Let’s see? 911 emergency or voting for Jordin so Newscorp will donate ten cents?

Please please please Fox, don’t look at the huge ratings Wednesday and decide the Africa footage could be a great spin off.

It was a tough night for the judges because how do you tell someone singing a “life anthem” that he sucked?

Unlike the Chabad telethon, at least they didn’t have a running crawl -- Morris Fishbine, Brentwood, $18 in memory of Sophie Fishbine… Nosh n’ Lox Deli, Encino, $18, in honor of pastrami month where all sandwiches come with soup…

STOP CRYING!!!!

This is AMERICAN IDOL not DARK VICTORY. This is not a Meredith Baxter Birney Lifetime MOW where she comes down with whatever disease killed the last patient on HOUSE. This is not LOVE STORY. This is not OLD YELLER!!

This is a bunch of cute looking kids who all sound like Aretha Franklin or Michael Bolton vying for a chance to be on television every week. It’s not, “Ohmygod, I can walk. I CAN WALK!”

The worst was this boy who lives in his car and looks like Kellie Pickler. Jesus! I’m sooo glad he was finally eliminated. He cries so much he probably needs windshield wipers on the inside of that car.

First up was Kristy Lee Cook. She sold her horse to fly from Portland to Philadelphia to audition for the show. There were also auditions in San Diego, which is closer. She could have just sold her cat.


Alaina Whittaker followed. She’s 16, blond, and has that Lauren Hutton space between her two front teeth that make her seem wise beyond her years.

Listening to Chris Richardson sing through his nose I thought this guy could do his number while drinking a glass of water. He may have to do that next week if he even survives this one.

New Coke cups this week. Cut to little girl crying.

I’m still having nightmares over Carole Bayer Sager. Imagine a slingshot that’s been stretched for four blocks.

Ann Marie Boskovich was the 247th contestant to sing “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”. She came in 200th.

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.

Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.

11 comments:

Ric Brennan said...

What do you mean you're going to stop covering American Idol? You're not covering it now!

Mary Stella said...

Did you watch last night? Who knew that Good Will has a Fox Hunt Department and that's where the wardrobe finds Randy's outfits?

I don't care which finalist wins tonight. I like them both. They're talented and appear down to Earth. Crystal's the more memorable, but even Lee stands out more than last season's winner . . . wait, give me a minute. Last season's winner . . . Oh hell. What was his name?

Kate Coe said...

Why was Jewel so bad on this and so good on Nashville Star?

Greg said...

Not at Wrigley this week, Ken? Great pitchers duel last night!

GO CUBS

Jonathan said...

Did you notice how petulant Siobhan looked last night? Sheesh! Get over it.

Anonymous said...

I've seen virtually every episode and what's sad is I don't remember 90% of the names you mentioned.

jackscribe said...

Warhol's 15 minutes of fame. I, too, barely remember the past contestants. And to rub salt in the viewers wounds, we have to sit through two hours of programming filler before the winner is announced. Congrats to either one.

Jeffrey Leonard said...

I lost interest in 'Idol' a long time ago, but I do wish you would continue to review the show. You have turned an "entertainment" show into the perfect sitcom. As I have said before Ken, you have a gift.

D. McEwan said...

Very funny collection of great past snarks.

Speaking of padding, my DVR says the finale tonight is two hours and 7 minutes. They just have to say "Crystal Bowersox won" and go home. All they need is that last 7 minutes. As for the other two hours, they should take their cue from the last line of Hamlet: "The rest is silence."

I guess the rest of the show is because they have promised to answer all our questions. Next year, the Smoke Monster replaces Simon. When he doesn't like a performance, he slams the singer against trees until they are pulped, and he's still nicer than Simon.

Tom Quigley said...

Since I already know who won because I live in the East, I won't give the results away (you can find it on the web however), but I'm starting to think the only way to continue to make any of these "Ted Mack's Amateur Hour" ripoffs and faux competition contests (i.e. THE BIGGEST LOSER) interesting is to combine them all into one, thereby creating next year's all-encompassing super primetime filler sludge: SO YOU THINK YOU'RE DANCING WITH AMERICA'S HEAVIEST LAST COMIC IDOL BACHELOR (past winners ineligible)...

J S Swanson said...

Despite coaxing from D. McEwan & your blog, I never watched this show. Still, I fondly recall The Soup's tribute to Melinda Doolittle: http://www.flicklife.com/6f9c37fc81fe03c21ea7/The_Soup_Melinda_Doolittle_School_of_Humility.html