Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Korean Vaginal Steam Baths -- Why didn't we do this story on MASH?


As you know, this is the blog to turn to for the latest updates in show business and medicine. 

Today we focus on vaginal Steam Baths. It’s the newest chic spa treatment in – where else? – La La Land.

Yes, taking its place alongside Bull Semen Hair Conditioning, Placenta Facials, Snake Massages, Nightingale Droppings Facials, and Dark Bathing Beer Baths comes V-Steam Baths. A recent article in the LA TIMES details this revolutionary new treatment.

Actually, it’s not new. Supposedly, it’s an age-old Korean stress and infertility remedy. Women sit naked on a stool over a boiling pot of a mugwort tea blended with wormwood and a variety of other herbs. Korean women have been taking Vaginal steam baths for centuries, but tell me this doesn’t sound like something Hawkeye & Trapper dreamed up to lure nurses into their tent.

Vaginal steam baths, called chai-yok are now available in a Santa Monica spa. A 30-minute squat goes for $50.00. THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS are probably stampeding over there at this very moment. For the more budget conscious -- at Daengki Spa in Koreatown, a 45-minute treatment is only $20.00. The steam includes a mixture of 14 herbs imported from Korea. Hey, don’t laugh. This is how Colonel Sanders started.

And guys -- don’t feel left out. There’s a version for you, too. Why any guy would want to steam the clams, I don’t know. But it’s an option. I'm guessing it would simulate what it's like to be married to one of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. 

Now I can hear you, gals. You’re saying, “Darn! I don’t live in Los Angeles. I guess there’s no way for me to experience this miracle treatment.” Well, you’re in luck! You can get a complete setup for a do-it-yourself steam — open-seated stool, boiler and herbs -- for only $330.00! How did the Sky Mall miss this goldmine? To answer Britney Spears’ next question, “No, I don’t know if they have a model for the car”.

There is no hard medical evidence to substantiate that this treatment is effective, although I’m sure Hawkeye would say he’d need to observe a larger sample before making any final determination. But there are women who swear by it. The TIMES article quotes one happy customer:

Sherman Oaks-based writer Lanee Neil, said she prefers the V-Steam to the harshness of a douche and thinks of it as a "facial" for her private area.

"It's a simple, relaxing treatment," says Neil, who hopes it will help her become pregnant. "You can imagine people doing this in the forest somewhere."

More than imagine. There must be a REAL SEX segment where women do do this in the forest. If not, you’ll see one by Friday. And next season on CALIFORNICATION for sure.

So does it really work?  I don't know.  Only time will tell whether it’s a holistic godsend, or steam up your vagina is really nothing more than smoke up your ass.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thought you'd like this, homeless guy with an amazing radio voice--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTysXITBCmk&feature=player_embedded

emily said...

Steamed Clams! LOLOLOL

Constance Reader said...

As a woman, I can only say...

ow ow ow ow OUCH ow ow ow.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Best. Post. Ever.

RCP said...

From somewhere, P.T. Barnum is giving a thumbs up.

Michael Zand said...

"Only time will tell whether it’s a holistic godsend, or steam up your vagina is really nothing more than smoke up your ass."

After eating kimchi smoke usually comes OUT of my ass. Is that a spa treatment too?

Tom Quigley said...

What happens if the hot steam causes you to develop heat rash?...
In terms of learning the secrets of the Orient, I think that's a little farther than I'd prefer to go...

Michael Hagerty, Founder/Editor said...

"And guys -- don’t feel left out. There’s a version for you, too. Why any guy would want to steam the clams, I don’t know. But it’s an option. I'm guessing it would simulate what it's like to be married to one of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. "

No, Ken...that would be achieved by putting them (and your life's savings) in a blender and hitting "puree".

Emily Blake said...

If I put some dumplings up there during the bath I can have lunch!

Jason said...

Emily for the win.

John said...

Probably ends up smelling like Korean Maeuntang.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I'm a little teapot, short and stout--and I create steam, ladies.

iain said...

So chai-yok is a Korean word meaning "schvitz for the naughty bits?"

Anonymous said...

Kentucky Fried Chicken? Don't you mean Long John Silver's?

Gary said...

Hopefully, the cost of this treatment will be covered by Obama's new health care plan.

Some funny, funny comments today!

"Sherman Oaks-based writer Lanee Neil...'It's a simple, relaxing treatment,' says Neil, who hopes it will help her become pregnant." Huh? You're going to have to combine this treatment with the bull semen regimen if you want to be pregnant, Lanee.

Really, it just sounds like the old women-sit-naked-on-stool-over- boiling-pot-of-mugwort-tea-blended-with-wormwood-and-other-herbs scam.

Janet T said...

one nice thing about LA- fads come and go quickly- I'm sure this will take the rest of the country by storm, in about 5 years.

"A facial for my private area"? Nice visual- ewwwww

Phillip B said...

Shared this with my spouse, who noted this was actually a technique for a "natural" abortion pre Roe v. Wade.

Sure enough Wikipeadia (the eternal fountain of all knowledge) notes:

"An 8th century Sanskrit text instructs women wishing to induce an abortion to sit over a pot of steam or stewed onions."

There are two punch lines which come to mind here, neither of which can I force myself to actually type...

AlaskaRay said...

"Sherman Oaks-based writer Lanee Neil, said she prefers the V-Steam to the harshness of a douche and thinks of it as a "facial" for her private area."

So what's next, vaginal Botox? I don't think I'll ever be able to eat a soft boiled egg again.

Ray

John said...

Marketing tip: Don't put "wormwood" and "vagina" in the same sentence. Bad connotations for women-and men, too.
"He had a woody no bigger than a worm"...most women’s #1 complaint with guys.

Agents blow sunshine up your ass... Koreans blow steam up your vagina.
Same diff, less 10%.

Steam takes out the wrinkles, right? Don't they sell portable, hand-held steamers? Ladies, for the cost of one Korean Vagina Steam Treatment, you can steam out your own V-wrinkles any time you want-just watch the heat!

Remember folks: It's not just ordinary steam-it's "SECRET HERBAL STEAM". So don't try this at home with plain old non-herbal steam. But if you must, how about this....

Brew up some HERBAL TEA at home and squat under the kettle spout.
Go to town with your Celestial Seasonings!
Choose the herbal tea you want your vagina to swing with, or that best matches the mood of your beaver.
Peppermint tea for that get up & go vagina.
Chamomile for that laid-back, mellow vagina.
Mix & match herbal tea steam and your V-J. The sky's the limit!

Pussy Sauna?

So when she tells me that she just had a Korean Vagina Steam Treatment, does that mean I have to wear a G-D condom?

Hmmmm...Maybe this explains it.
Earlier today, passed by The Ivy at lunchtime. Saw the strangest thing. A table full of young actress wannabe's laughing up a storm-with cups of tea near their crotches!

They say (it's an ancient Eastern secret) that the best sex a man will ever experience is with a freshly steamed & herbalized vagina.
So THAT'S what they mean by hot, steamy sex!

Steamgasm!

Anonymous said...

Marketing tip: Don't put "wormwood" and "vagina" in the same sentence. Bad connotations for women-and men, too.
"He had a woody no bigger than a worm"...most women’s #1 complaint with guys.

Agents blow sunshine up your ass... Koreans blow steam up your vagina.
Same diff, less 10%.

Steam takes out the wrinkles, right? Don't they sell portable, hand-held steamers? Ladies, for the cost of one Korean Vagina Steam Treatment, you can steam out your own V-wrinkles any time you want-just watch the heat!

Remember folks: It's not just ordinary steam-it's "SECRET HERBAL STEAM". So don't try this at home with plain old non-herbal steam. But if you must, how about this....

Brew up some HERBAL TEA at home and squat under the kettle spout.
Go to town with your Celestial Seasonings!
Choose the herbal tea you want your vagina to swing with, or that best matches the mood of your beaver.
Peppermint tea for that get up & go vagina.
Chamomile for that laid-back, mellow vagina.
Mix & match herbal tea steam and your V-J. The sky's the limit!

Pussy Sauna?

So when she tells me that she just had a Korean Vagina Steam Treatment, does that mean I have to wear a G-D condom?

Hmmmm...Maybe this explains it.
Earlier today, passed by The Ivy at lunchtime. Saw the strangest thing. A table full of young actress wannabe's laughing up a storm-with cups of tea near their crotches!

They say (it's an ancient Eastern secret) that the best sex a man will ever experience is with a freshly steamed & herbalized vagina.
So THAT'S what they mean by hot, steamy sex!

Steamgasm!

Anonymous said...

John here...I apologize for the double post. I just fucked up. I hate double posts, too!

sephim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sephim said...

'No Publisher Should "Edit" Mark Twain's Novels'

Any comments?

KEN LEVINE said...

No one should edit Mark Twain's autobiography in any way. Would you have a painter touch up Michelangelo's work?

rms said...

"To answer Britney Spears’ next question, “No, I don’t know if they have a model for the car”."

This is why I LOVE your blog and read it every day!

Sue Ennis said...

OMG!!! This post KILLS me!! Comic brilliance, Ken!

VP81955 said...

KEN LEVINE said...

No one should edit Mark Twain's autobiography in any way. Would you have a painter touch up Michelangelo's work?

It's comparable to what RCA did in the '70s when it reissued Elvis Presley's pre-1960 mono recordings in a dreadful reprocessed stereo, ruining the sound Presley, his musicians and producer Chet Atkins worked so hard to create in the studio. Thankfully, by the 1980s this gimmick vanished and subsequent reissues were released in true mono, just as the silly idea of colorized films fell by the wayside in the '90s. (No Ted Turner jokes, please; through his funding of film restoration and preservation, not to mention founding Turner Classic Movies, he's more than atoned for his earlier error.)

Anonymous said...

I'll wait for the home version. Those late night commercials should be fun. The SteamWow? The HotTwat?

normadesmond said...

do you smell something?

niki said...

The Santa Monica Daily Press just did an article this weekend on our V-steam

http://www.smdp.com/Articles-c-2011-01-14-71124.113116-Downtown-spa-offers-vaginal-steam-baths-.html

Anonymous said...

I tried a super amateur at home version. Felt extremely relaxing, meditative and calming. Just don't get too close to the steam!