Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What turns men off?

A recent front page story in the Los Angeles Times (on obviously the slowest news day since 1954) claims that the smell of a woman’s tears can turn off a guy to her sexually. This scientific study put a group of women in a room, showed videos of the Brad Pitt wedding or something, and as they all wept uncontrollably, collected their tears. Then horny guys were asked to smell the tears and their libidos dropped precipitously.

Who even thinks to do such a study first of all? And why? But aside from that…

Neuroscientists from the Weizmann Institute of Science claim that the fifty men in the control group experienced a drop in testosterone of 13%.

Now here’s my problem: 13%? For guys? That’s nothing. At best that’s maybe one more drink.

So the Levine Institute set about exploring this further. For a guy to be sufficiently turned off to where he doesn’t want to have sex with a woman he was previously attracted to, testosterone levels must drop 87.3%.

Here are other factors that dampen a man’s sex drive along with the percentage of how much:

She has a swastika tattoo – 7%

She wants to play her Barry Manilow mix tape during – 3%

She calls out your business partner’s name – 5%

She wants to do it at church during Christmas Mass – 2%

She says you’re smaller than her last boyfriend – 6%

She says you’re smaller than the guy an hour ago – 7%

She has 350 cats – 4%

She has a testicle collection – 8%

She has hairier legs than you – 8%

She wants to do a credit check on you first – 1%

She’s in desperate need of an exorcist – 4%

She's in desperate need of exercise -- 5%

She was a champion on FEAR FACTOR – 4%

She has to ask her stuffed animals if it’s okay to sleep with you – 1%

She wants to turn the lights out when you take your clothes off – 2%

She was once married to Marilyn Manson – 8%

She wants to check her email during – 1%

She wants to smoke during – 2%

She wants to read my blog during – 60%

She’s Orthodox and only wants to do it through a hole in a sheet – 5%

Her biker husband is in the next room – 4%

She’s a suspected serial killer -- 7% at 8 PM, 1 % at 1 AM

She doesn’t believe in birth control – 45% at 8 PM. 0% at 1 AM

She’s dead – 73.2%

She’s Ann Coulter – 93.8%

I expect at least Nobel recognition for this vital study.

19 comments:

Editor at large said...

Ken...Harrier is a jump jet. Hairier would be fuzzy legs.

Neil said...

I don't know. Add a few of those items together, like the Orthodox woman who has been on Fear Factor, and I think that spells "sexy."

Anonymous said...

nah, harrier is a cross country runner, and they are in pretty good shape.

my ex, however, fills the bill in several aforementioned categories.

Gil said...

"She was once married to Marilyn Manson – 8%"

Minus 8%?

You're kidding, right?

Dita Von Teese, the lingerie model, and one of the most gawked-at women on the internet?

Maybe you meant plus 80%.

And if she were willing to do it "at church during Christmas Mass"...

...it just might be worth an eternity in Hell!

Joseph Scarbrough said...

Tears have smell? I know they have a taste (salt, basically), but smell? That's a new one to me.

But I do agree with the tattoo thing (it doesn't even have to be a swastika)... back in summer, I kept seeing more and more women with tattoos, and it's really a major turn-off. Like B.J. once said, "Why would anybody hang a picture on their body they wouldn't be caught dead hanging on the wall?"

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Great post! Very funny and very, very true.

I exchanged a bunch of e-mails with a woman from eunuch.org that actually had a testicle collection and I totally would have hooked up -- she was actress hot.

William said...

Pretty funny. I wanted to add that you can never trust newspaper reporting on stuff like this. The real point of this study is not that tears decrease sexual desire (cause as you point out, it's not really clear what testosterone levels mean in terms of actual behaviour), but HOW tears decrease sexual desire. The study demonstrates that tears act as pheromone signaling that is capable of effecting sexual behaviour. I gather that this is well demonstrated in other animals and insects, but has been hard to demonstrate in humans.

Eduardo Jencarelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eduardo Jencarelli said...

If she were Ann Coulter, I'd wear protection, for my own sake.

Coultergeist said...

Although the content of this website is so NSFW, even the url is dirty, here is a prodigiously filthy saga of Ann Coulter sex which is well worth reading:

https://www.blogger.com/blogin.g?blogspotURL=http%3A%2F%2Fifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com%2F

lucifervandross said...

She has to ask her stuffed animals if it’s okay to sleep with you – 1%

So now we know who wrote that joke for Shelly Long. Certainly didn't turn Sam off of Diane.

Ref said...

I always thought Ann Coulter was a guy.

Larry said...

Hasn't everyone heard? Making fun of Ann Coulter like this is just the sort of heated rhetoric that gets people assassinated.

Sam said...

So, do women's "tears of joy" have the opposite effect and make men hornier?

Presumably, this little make-believe "science experiment" used "tears of sadness". Do all tears smell alike?

As to the "smell" of a woman's tears being a male sexual turn-off...this doesn't evolutionarily make sense.

Men in heat will put up with all kinds of vile womanly smells to screw...bad breath, not to mention pit, vag, & ass stink.

Stink before sex rarely drops testosterone- though if it does, it will be MANY orders of magnitude stronger than tear scent.

No way in evolution that the subtle "smell" of a woman's tears evolved as an anti-testosterone pheromone. Olfactory pheromones work at close range, and men NEVER smell a woman's tears close up.

Naturally speaking, however, the "sight" of a woman crying and her tears may very well trigger a testosterone drop. Visual cues of a woman's sexual disinterest do genetically act to reduce testosterone levels.

In evolution, a woman crying greatly agitates males, and triggers their "hero to woman" response. This is a visually encoded ( NOT olfactorily encoded) genetic "fix her problem" response.

However, none of these naturally encoded male sex suppressors involve vanishingly insignificant factors such as the "smell" of a woman's tears. If her bad breath won't turn him off, you can bet her "tear smell" won't either.

Funny thing, turning the tables...
Men's tears have the opposite effect on women!
Seeing women cry turns off men sexually.
Yet, women often get MORE sexually turned on by a guy's tears. Something about his softer, sensitive side, and his willingness to express his deep emotions in front of his sex partner.
Go figure.

Bottom Line: The trick to great sex for BOTH a man and woman is...

Guys: Don't make your woman cry. Keep her laughing! Tears of joy are OK.

Gals: Make him cry manly tears of emotion. And savor his tears like fine wine.

BOB NOBEL said...

Ken, the prize is in the mail...

Jenna said...

I appreciate your findings ;)

Sam said...

So, do women's "tears of joy" have the opposite effect and make men hornier?

Presumably, this little make-believe "science experiment" used "tears of sadness". Do all tears smell alike?

As to the "smell" of a woman's tears being a male sexual turn-off...this doesn't evolutionarily make sense.

Men in heat will put up with all kinds of vile womanly smells to screw...bad breath, not to mention pit, vag, & ass stink.

Stink before sex rarely drops testosterone- though if it does, it will be MANY orders of magnitude stronger than tear scent.

No way in evolution that the subtle "smell" of a woman's tears evolved as an anti-testosterone pheromone. Olfactory pheromones work at close range, and men NEVER smell a woman's tears close up.

Naturally speaking, however, the "sight" of a woman crying and her tears may very well trigger a testosterone drop. Visual cues of a woman's sexual disinterest do genetically act to reduce testosterone levels.

In evolution, a woman crying greatly agitates males, and triggers their "hero to woman" response. This is a visually encoded ( NOT olfactorily encoded) genetic "fix her problem" response.

However, none of these naturally encoded male sex suppressors involve vanishingly insignificant factors such as the "smell" of a woman's tears. If her bad breath won't turn him off, you can bet her "tear smell" won't either.

Funny thing, turning the tables...
Men's tears have the opposite effect on women!
Seeing women cry turns off men sexually.
Yet, women often get MORE sexually turned on by a guy's tears. Something about his softer, sensitive side, and his willingness to express his deep emotions in front of his sex partner.
Go figure.

Bottom Line: The trick to great sex for BOTH a man and woman is...

Guys: Don't make your woman cry. Keep her laughing! Tears of joy are OK.

Gals: Make him cry manly tears of emotion. And savor his tears like fine wine.

Empuriabrava said...

They make strange studies these days. I saw a tv show last week where some people were just inventing fake studies and they sent it to several journalists from a fake study bureau. Several news papers posted the study without checking the source.

Anonymous said...

I dont agree. My girl cries in my arms and i get super turned on.
Even when i'm not supposed to
be thinking about sex. It just turns me on.