I didn’t see the Golden Globes last night. I’m in Hawaii. But I’ve seen enough of them that I could probably review the show without having actually seen it. I hope this works because it would be great to skip to Emmys this year. Let’s see how well I did – assuming that you watched the Golden Globes, which is like assuming the Houston Astros will win the 2014 World Series.
Remember, I could be completely off. This was written before the show aired.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will again be very funny and will even make a 12 YEARS A SLAVE joke that doesn't cause the audience to gasp.
They'll be 3,454,483,203,293,935 times better than Seth MacFarlane.
Steven Spielberg will not be there because he’s not nominated.
If 12 YEARS A SLAVE wins, Spielberg is going to want a recount on LINCOLN.
Since it’s the Foreign Press, shouldn’t the “Best Foreign Language Film” be in English?
The audience will be drunk by the red carpet show.
Expletives will be bleeped all night.
There will be a teleprompter snafu and two presenters will look like idiots because they can’t ad lib their way out of a hard rain.
None of the Best Comedy nominees were actually comedies. NEBRASKA? I’m surprised 12 YEARS A SLAVE wasn’t in the comedy category.
Since it’s the Foreign Press (i.e. waiters at Matteo’s), any nominee with a foreign sounding name will likely win. Chiwetel Ejiofor is a lock.
It’s hard to take seriously an awards show where 12 YEARS A SLAVE and HER compete for the same screenwriting category. Or Jacqueline Bisset and Sofia Vergara, in the same acting category.
Taylor Swift will win because she didn’t win last year and if she doesn’t win she won’t attend anymore.
Always ahead of the curve, BREAKING BAD will win.
There will be at least two jaw-dropping upsets.
You’ll see that Michael J. Fox is nominated and say, “Is that show still on?”
The set will look like Liberace’s bathroom.
No one will miss Ricky Gervais.
MAD MEN wasn’t even nominated so Matt Weiner will never eat at Matteo’s again.
Jennifer Lawrence will look great.
There will be no Obamacare jokes.
Bill Clinton will not be there this year to introduce HER.
Meryl Streep’s dress will still have the Ross For Less tag on it.
Since ANCHORMAN 2 was not nominated, maybe – just maybe, you'll be spared Will Ferrell as Ron Burgandy.
By the time you read this no one will care who won.
So how’d I do?