In case you didn't read yesterday's post explaining this, here's part one of the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW episode I wrote. I assume you all know the characters. If not, it's well worth your time checking out a few episodes of the "real" DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. It's an American classic. But for now, let's travel back to 1965 and...
"The Brady That Came To Dinner"
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ROB AND LAURA ENTER. ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE. LAURA HAS
A BIG BANDAGE ACROSS THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
Admit it, Rob. I look like a stork.
(COMFORTING) Aw honey, you do not.
(THEN) Storks are bent over more like -
-(HE CRANES FORWARD) Ow!
You deserved that.
RITCHIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
Mommy and Daddy are home! (NOTICING
THEIR STATE) Eeeuw!
It’s okay, Ritch. We were just in a
little car accident.
But we’re fine.
Was it your fault?
That’s really not important. What is
important is that everyone is okay.
Was it your car or Daddy’s?
Well, mine, but...
Mommy caused an accident!
Ritchie, why would you think that?
Because when Daddy takes me to school
he always says the mommy drivers can’t
LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
(TO RITCHIE) And then Daddy says,
“except for your mommy.”
Laura, those women are Kamikaze
MILLIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
I gave Ritchie a snack and... Oh my
God! Were you in an accident?
Was it your fault?
Why does everyone ask that?
What did you do?
Nothing... someone cut me off.
So you were driving. I knew it.
Hey, would everybody please give me a
break? I was just in the Emergency
Room. (THEN, TO RITCHIE) With a booboo.
That’s all it was. A tiny booboo.
Go play in your room, darling.
RITCHIE CROSSES OFF.
“Women drivers are a menace.”
RITCHIE EXITS TO HIS ROOM. LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
The other daddies talk too.
Is the car a total wreck?
Well, it did take the brunt of it...
along with the light post... and the
police kiosk. But the good news is
they were right there to fill out the
Tell me the truth, Millie. Do I look
What? No. You’re so pretty, Laura.
I’d still trade with you, even with
that big ugly bandage splattered on
It’s not that bad, honey. A big hat,
a lot of make up... maybe sunglasses --
and no one will even notice.
Well, I can’t wait to go home and (OFF
LAURA’S LOOK) not tell anybody about
Please, Millie. This is embarrassing
and I don’t want the word to get out.
I can keep a secret.
That’s not entirely true. Last year
strangers in the market were asking
about my enlarged prostate.
Well, Laura never should have told me.
That’s a very private matter.
The point is I would really appreciate
it if this time you would keep it to
yourself. Not that you wouldn’t, but
I know it’s hard for you... very
hard... “Breaking out of Alcatraz”
Don’t worry, Laura. I promise not to
say a word.
But can I tell about Rob?
Okay. Fine. (GRUMBLING) I wish this
stupid accident never happened.
You realize we should have just locked
her in the attic?
Jerry’d come looking after about a
I’m not so sure.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
BUDDY AND SALLY ARE THERE. ROB, STILL WEARING NECK BRACE,
Rob, what happened?
(A LA FRANKENSTEIN) It’s alive! It’s
Laura and I were in an accident. But
we’re both fine.
Was it your fault?
Jeez, I wish I had a nickel for every
time someone asked me that.
Make it a dime. You’re going to need
‘em. Your insurance rates are going
to shoot through the roof.
It was not our fault.
My rates will go up just because I
know you. Thanks, Rob.
Most of my dates wear those... except
for the ones who don’t have necks.
A CONCERNED MEL ENTERS TOTING A NEWSPAPER.
We’ve got a problem. Have you seen
the morning papers?
No, we need a little more light. Bend
See how well I ignore? (TO BUDDY)
Pissant. (SHOWING THE PAPER) Alan’s on
the front page... with two strippers.
You’ve got to be kidding.
I wish I were.
You sure they’re not just network
executives... with tassels?
This is why I never had kids. The
thought of paying child support when I
left Pickles for either one of these
Let me see. (TURNS HIS HEAD, THEN) Ow!
(NOTICING THE COLLAR) What happened to
your neck, Rob?
It wasn’t my fault!
ALAN BRADY STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.
Mel? You in here?
Yes, Alan. Come on in.
ALAN ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
What are you hiding for? I’m the one
who should be hiding. There’s fifteen
reporters in my office.
Want me to say something on your
I don’t like it when you speak
normally. No. I’ve got to lay low.
(LOOKS AROUND) This looks familiar.
It’s the writers’ office, Alan.
(SNAPPING) I can see it’s the writers
office. There’s Buddy and Sally and
ROB TURNS HIS HEAD.
Nice suit, Rob. (TO MEL) I have eyes.
HE DOESN’T NOTICE THAT ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE.
What happened last night, Alan? And
why wasn’t I invited?
It was a funeral that got out of hand.
Excuse me, what? (CRANING HIS NECK)
(STILL NOT NOTICING ROB’S COLLAR) A
guy from the old neighborhood. After
the service we went back to his place
for a condolence call, which turned
into more of a wake. Never let
Rosenberg-Feldman Mortuary plan your
funeral. Things got out of control
shortly after the mourners’ kaddish.
Well, at least their pasties were
I swear, you can’t be famous these
days. One lap dance with two girls
and right away you’re on the cover of
every morning rag.
They won’t even let you grieve in
Shut up, Mel.
How is your wife taking it?
The good news is she’s on a safari in
Africa so hasn’t heard about it yet.
The bad news is she’s improving her
Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll have
an affair with one of those sweaty
Not with the kind of luck I’m having.
So I’m going to need a place to hide
for a night. Somewhere no one would
think to look for me.
How about a barbershop?
Y’see, Alan, that’s the kind of
insolence I have to put up with every
Shut up, Mel. It was funny. (THEN)
Without imposing and forget for the
moment that I hold your careers in my
hand, would any of you mind a house
guest for the night?
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, HOPING SOMEONE WILL VOLUNTEER.
AFTER AN AWKWARD BEAT:
(TO MEL) Now you shut up?
You hate my kids.
You can’t send them away for a couple
of nights? No, never mind. I hate
your house too.
I live across the street of the Daily
News. Those nosy reporters look right
into my window.
Don’t you keep the shades down?
Thanks but no thanks.
You could stay with me but the place
spells like haggis. It knocks your
Your wife made haggis last night?
No. Six years ago.
Alan, I guess you could stay with us.
But I warn you, we have a kid.
I love kids -- (RE MEL) just none that
look like him.
Well, then... okay. Welcome to the