Carl Reiner coined the expression "Hey Mae!" for act breaks. A husband is in the living room watching and the act break is so exciting he yells out, "Hey, Mae, you gotta get in here and see this!" Hopefully my spec DICK VAN DYKE SHOW act break was a "Hey, Mae." Or at least a "Mae, if you got nothing better to do, come check this out." Act two begins today. Act one began on Monday.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ROB IS IN BED, FLAT ON HIS BACK, STARING UP AT THE CEILING.
O.S. WE HEAR ALAN SNORING. LOUDLY. LAURA ENTERS IN A
You’re not sleeping?
No one in New Rochelle is sleeping.
No one in New Mexico is sleeping.
I just spent two hours cleaning the
kitchen. He said he’s going to make
French Toast in the morning. (IMAGINE
THE HORROR) French toast, Rob!
Well, he is a great cook. (OFF HER
LOOK) Right. We need to kill him.
I can’t sleep.
I’m sorry, honey. Mr. Brady is a
We’re playing tetherball in the
morning. I have to be sharp.
Well, just try to ignore him. You
know a good way to get back to sleep?
Close your eyes and begin counting
I hate sheep.
Well, pick something you like.
Money. I can count all the money Mr.
Brady gave me.
Great. On top of everything else,
he’s corrupting our son.
Honey, I agree this is a bad
situation. But what can we do? He’s
my boss. I can’t throw out my boss.
You don’t have to.
What do you mean? Uh oh. I don’t
like that look.
What? (REALIZING) Oh no.
Millie stops by and two seconds later
the news is up on Telstar.
That would be wrong.
But he’s really trying, honey. He’s
going out of his way, he’s being
gracious, accommodating. You can’t
believe the pain he must be going
through to keep up that facade. When I
was choking earlier -- and he
expressed concern -- I almost felt
sorry for the man.
Well, we have to do something. He’s
going to drown out the Civil Defense
It’s one night... that’s almost over.
Let it be. You’ll sleep better.
(RE SNORING) How?
Good point. Let’s just close our eyes
and... I don’t know, count Ritchie’s
INT. BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
MUTED COMMOTION IN THE LIVING ROOM WAKES UP LAURA. ROB IS
NOT THERE. SHE CHECKS THE CLOCK. 8:00. STILL A LITTLE GROGGY,
SHE GETS UP, DONS HER BATHROBE AND ENTERS:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA ENTERS TO FIND ALAN RECREATING ROB’S CHOKING FIT. ROB
IS THERE ALONG WITH BUDDY AND SALLY. LAURA IS NOT THRILLED.
NOTE: THERE IS STILL A PILLOW AND BEDDING ON THE COUCH.
That was very funny, Alan.
When Rob was choking for real it was
hysterical. Let’s put it in the show.
Great. Real chicken bone or stunt
(NOTICING LAURA) Hey, it’s Laura the
white nose reindeer.
(SWATTING HIM) Not nice.
I was joking. (TO LAURA) Sorry about
LAURA PRESSES ON, TRYING VERY HARD TO BE PLEASANT.
What’s going on here?
Oh, hi honey. Didn’t want to wake
you. There are still reporters
hanging around the office so Alan
thought we could work here.
All of you?
Well, it’s just Buddy and Sally. And
you like Buddy and Sally.
I love Buddy and Sally. But at night.
I’m sorry, Laura. This is all my
fault. I guess we could have done
this session over the phone.
No, no, it’s fine. You have a show to
do. I’ll just get out of the way. I
don’t want to stick my nose where it
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Too late.
SALLY SMACKS HIM AGAIN.
Laura, you’re wonderful. It’s a dirty
crime there’s no award show to
celebrate what you do.
Well, thank you... and whatever
academy that might be.
And I’ll tell the choreographer and
dancers not to come.
(TO ALAN) What do cats eat for
RITCHIE RUNS BACK TO HIS ROOM. ROB CROSSES TO LAURA AND
TAKES HER ASIDE.
We’ll only be a couple of hours.
Hey, Laura. If you’re hungry. I made
(OFF LAURA’S LOOK) Don’t call Millie.
RITCHIE RE-ENTERS AND RUNS TO ALAN.
What did the big bucket say to the
You look a little pail.
(FRUSTRATED) Mr. Brady was supposed to
say I don’t know! You keep ruining
Ritchie, honey, get ready for school.
RITCHIE RUNS BACK TO HIS ROOM ALMOST IN TEARS. BUDDY IS
I’ve been giving him a dollar for
every joke he tells.
Well give me the dollar. I wrote that
joke forty years ago.
(SOTTO) I’m calling.
(SOTTO) Don’t call.
LAURA CROSSES INTO:
INT.KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
LAURA ENTERS AND ONCE AGAIN IT’S A DISASTER AREA. SHE HAS
HOURS OF CLEAN UP. SHE FLOPS DOWN INTO A CHAIR IN THE
BREAKFAST AREA. THE PHONE BECKONS. SHE INCHES TOWARDS IT.
SHE’S TORN. SHE’S ABOUT TO GRAB IT WHEN ROB ENTERS.
Honey, come out here. There’s
something you gotta see.
What? Alan had his moose head brought
over so he’d feel more at home?
HE GENTLY TAKES HER BY THE ARM.
THEY CROSS INTO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
THEY ENTER AND ROB LEADS HER TO THE FRONT WINDOW.
What is it?
Alan got you a little surprise.
ROB PARTS THE BLINDS. LAURA PEERS OUT THE WINDOW.
Ohmygod! A new car?!
My little way of saying thank you and
don’t call Millie. I could hear you
Oh Alan, I don’t know whether to be
thrilled or ashamed.
Thrilled. Be that. And guilty.
LAURA HUGS HIM.
Thank you so much. You really didn’t
Yes, I know.
(TO SALLY, RE CAR) Hey, that bow is
the same color as yours.
Yep, that’s my new look -- “Buick
Uh oh! Close the blinds!
What’s the matter?
(IN HUSHED TONES) Millie. She’s
coming down the street. Darn.
I didn’t call.
Everybody, let’s get out of sight.
THEY ALL SCRAMBLE TO THE KITCHEN.
(TO LAURA) Not you.
Fine. But I didn’t call.
Don’t say anything to her.
(A REMINDER) Guilt.
EVERYONE BUT LAURA ENTERS THE KITCHEN JUST AS THE DOORBELL
RINGS. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH TO COMPOSE HERSELF THEN
ANSWERS THE DOOR.
Tomorrow the finale. Hopefully you can sleep tonight.