EVERYONE BUT LAURA ENTERS THE KITCHEN JUST AS THE DOORBELL
RINGS. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH TO COMPOSE HERSELF THEN
ANSWERS THE DOOR.
Laura, is that a new car? That’s a
(JUST LOUD ENOUGH TO BE HEARD IN THE
KITCHEN) So that’s why you’re here.
Because you saw the new car. Yes.
Wow. With a big bow and everything.
Rob got that for you, right? I can’t
imagine an insurance company gift
wrapping a claim they have to pay off.
Unless they’re going to drop you and
this is how they let you down easy.
That’s pretty low, even for them.
No, Millie. It is from Rob.
Why? It’s not your birthday. It’s
not your anniversary. (DAWNING) Oooh,
you two had a fight.
What? No. We did not have a fight.
It must’ve been a doozy.
Millie, we’re fine.
He slept on the couch even. What more
proof do you need besides a broken
lamp? Frankly I’m not surprised.
Well, I am but I’m not. It’s always
the ones with nice teeth. Ever notice
He did nothing!
They smile and seem so normal. I
blame their mothers. Just had to get
their kids braces.
INT. KITCHEN -CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE LISTENING AT THE DOOR, TALKING IN HUSHED TONES.
Great. Now the whole neighborhood is
going to think we’re getting divorced.
No, by the time it gets around I will
have an addiction to pain killers,
gambling problem, was caught fooling
around with the checkout girl, and the
accident was because I was in a highspeed
chase with the police.
No one is going to believe that.
Sure they will. You’ve seen his teeth.
INT LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Was it because he still blamed you for
the accident? Then he said things he
shouldn’t but only did because of the
pain pills? Laura, be honest, is he
addicted to those things?
No! My God. Millie, what have those
soap operas done to you?
I only watch five. (THEN) But Laura,
seriously, if it’s not that then what
(ON THE SPOT) What is it? (STALLING)
Why did Rob buy me a new car?
And sleep on the couch?
LAURA IS REALLY ON THE SPOT.
Well... Millie... it’s because... the
truth is... yes, we had a fight.
I knew it! Over what?
Come on. I’m here for you. What was
the fight about?
ALAN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. THE OTHERS FOLLOW SHORTLY
There was no fight. I slept on the
couch. And I bought Laura that car.
Alan Brady?! Ohmygod! Alan Brady!
It’s that look of surprise and horror
when people see me that pushes me ever
onward when things get tough.
Everyone is looking for you. It’s
even on the news. At first when I saw
you on TV I thought, “Uh oh, he died.”
No, happily it’s just a major scandal.
Which is why you’re not going to say
anything, right Millie?
Huh? Oh no. Of course not.
And while you’re not saying anything
about that, don’t tell any men that I
was voted the sexiest woman in the
Hey, I’ve been to the meetings. She
was also voted the most handsome man.
I’d be offended if he wasn’t right.
Millie, this time you have to keep the
secret. Because if you don’t I swear
I’m going to... (BEAT) Rob, what am I
going to do?
Uh... she’s going to ask for all the
things you borrowed back.
(HORRIFIED) I’m not a murderer. (THEN)
Okay. I promise. Solemn vow. I
won’t tell a single soul that I saw
Alan Brady in your house. (PRACTICALLY
IN TEARS) Ooooh, this is going to be
(A WARNING) So help me, I’m taking the
(A BROKEN WOMAN) Okay. Okay.
All right, Alan, you have about a half
hour head start.
Yeah, I figured.
Thank you so much. But why did you do
Sooner or later I have to face this.
Why should I bring you two down with
me? (THEN) Cuba?
That is so sweet. Thank you again.
I just hope she also mentions that I
bought you a car. Let me get
something out of this damn deal.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT
ROB AND LAURA ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. FROM THE SET WE
Again, I apologize to my fans. I was
merely respecting my dear friend’s
final wishes. Oh, and the family
requests that in lieu of flowers
please send all donations to the
“Society for the Elevation of Pole
Dancing” just off Times Square. Thank
ROB TURNS OFF THE TV.
Well, I thought he handled that well.
I don’t think he’ll be guesting on
Captain Kangaroo anytime soon but yes.
Hey Daddy, what time did the man go to
Gee, I don’t know, Ritch.
That’ll be a dollar.
Richie, that’s not why you tell jokes.
Mommy’s right. You don’t tell them to
make money. You tell them to make
people laugh; to make them happy.
Not worth it.
RITCHIE EXITS INTO HIS ROOM.
God, I hate to lie to my son.
What do you mean?
I didn’t go into comedy to make people
happy. I’m glad I do but that wasn’t
Then what was the point?
To impress girls.
Rob, that’s terrible.
But it’s true. When we first met,
remember I told you that story about
chasing the raccoon under our house?
You wound up going out for a soda with
That story wasn’t funny. I felt sorry
Wait a minute. So you only went out
with me the first time out of pity?
See? It worked!
ON LAURA’S REACTION, WE: