Part 1 was yesterday. For those just jumping on for the first time, I wrote a spec DICK VAN DYKE SHOW for the blog and got feedback from the actual DICK VAN DYKE SHOW writing staff. I'll share that next week.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
DOORBELL RINGS. LAURA, STILL BANDAGED, CROSSES TO IT.
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN. ANNOYED, SHE OPENS THE DOOR.
ALAN BRADY IS THERE.
Thank you. Twenty-eight years in show
business and it was worth it all for
that warm greeting.
Alan, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t
What happened to your nose? You look
like a stork.
Rob and I were in a little fender
bender. (QUICKLY) That wasn’t my
Well, glad it was nothing more
ROB ENTERS WITH ALAN’S BAG, EVEN THOUGH HE’S THE ONE IN A
Hi, honey. Ow! I brought a little
Rob, why didn’t you wear that neck
brace in the office?
(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Why is Alan
here, darling? That is a surprise.
I tried to call but the line was
Oh, right. I took it off the hook.
Millie told the entire Eastern
Seaboard and I think Poland. The
phone hasn’t stopped ringing.
Welcome to the club.
That’s why Alan is here. There’s been
a little misunderstanding. The press
is making a big deal of it. He was
seen with two strippers at a funeral.
Oh my. They didn’t pop out of the
coffin, did they?
No, but that’s good. Laura, you have a
lovely house here. But I’m sure I’ve
told you that.
Yes, thank you.
(LOOKING AROUND) Then I have been here
I told Alan he could stay with us for
a night or two until this mess blows
over. And I knew it’d be okay with
you because... well, because you love
Of course, darling. (TO ALAN) We’re
happy to have you... Please, make
yourself at home. I’ll fix some hor
d’oeuvres. Rob, could you join me in
the kitchen for a second?
(KNOWING WHAT’S COMING) Do I have to,
Yes, you do, darling.
(TO ALAN) Back in a sec.
THEY CROSS INTO:
INT.KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
THE SECOND THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
Remember, I’m injured.
Are you out of your mind?
I was stuck, honey. I was going to
use the haggis excuse but Buddy beat
me to it.
He’s going to raise havoc. We’ll be
waiting on him hand and foot. And you
say it’s only for a night, but it’ll
be like that movie -- you know the one
about the man who came to dinner and
stayed for a week? I forget the title.
“The Man Who Came to Dinner.”
Something like that, yeah. He’ll be
here for a week. And by the time he
leaves we’ll be walking around like
the undead -- there was a movie about
Yes. “The Undead.”
Rob, this is no time to impress me
with your vast knowledge of cinema.
Look, honey, you won’t have to do this
alone. I’ll be pitching in... as long
as I don’t have to lift or bend or
turn or lean.
So that leaves what -- greeter?
Laura, Rob, out of the kitchen. I’m
cooking dinner tonight. It’s the
least I can do. And to answer your
next question -- yes, unbelievably, I
can cook. I sing, I dance, I saute.
You two go in the living room and
relax, and I’ll whip something up.
Are you sure, Alan?
Absolutely. “Don’t cook tonight, call
Alan Brady.” That’s why I need
writers. But not kitchen help.
Shooo. Both of you.
ALAN PUSHES THEM OUT AS WE:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
ROB, LAURA, AND ALAN ARE FINISHING UP DINNER.
Alan, this Coq au Vin is absolutely
out of this world.
Thank you, Laura. The key is to add
the Cognac after thirteen minutes of
stirring, and then put all the bacon,
and any juices collected into the pot.
My Coq au Vin is a little simpler.
More of a Smothered Chicken.
ROB STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY.
THE COUGHING LEADS TO QUICK JERKS OF THE HEAD WHICH LEADS TO
SPASMING. ALAN AND LAURA RALLY TO HELP, AD LIBBING, “EASY”
“CAN I GET YOU SOME WATER?” ETC.
(COUGH) Ow! (COUGH, COUGH) Gaaa!
(COUGH) Ow!(TRYING TO COVER FOR ALAN’S
BENEFIT) Yum. AAAA! (COUGH)
THE COUGHS GET LOUDER UNTIL HE FINALLY DISLODGES THE BONE.
Still... I love it.
Are you okay?
Fine. Just a little embarrassed.
Alan, this really is terrific. It
just melts in your mouth... when it
doesn’t get stuck in your throat
Fortunately, there are no bones in the
cherry pie I made so you should be
safe for dessert.
You baked a pie?
Yeah. If I didn’t make it as an
entertainer my back-up career was
going to be “wife.”
RITCHIE ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM.
Hey, Mr. Brady. What do you call a
bagel that can fly?
Ritchie, honey, don’t bother Mr.
No, no. It’s no bother. What do you
call a bagel that can fly?
A “plane” bagel.
ALAN LAUGHS AND REACHES FOR HIS WALLET.
HE GIVES RITCHIE A DOLLAR BILL.
Wow! A whole dollar! Thank you, Mr.
Brady. (CROSSES TO HIS ROOM) I’m rich!
Alan, you really didn’t need to do
When I was a kid I used to tell jokes
to my uncle and he would give me a
penny a joke. That’s how I discovered
my true calling. I’ve been chasing
money ever since.
Still. That was a penny and this was
If I had known about agents back then
I would have gotten dollars too.
Besides, I’ve got a wad of singles.
The funeral broke up early.
Hey, Mr. Brady, how does a train eat?
I don’t know.
It goes chew chew chew.
(POLITE LAUGH, THEN) You’re killing
HE HANDS HIM ANOTHER DOLLAR FROM HIS WALLET.
Thank you, Mr. Brady.
RITCHIE RETURNS TO HIS ROOM.
Yeah, just like me, God love him.
Although, honestly, I was much
I guess we should discuss sleeping
Right. You can have our room, Alan.
And we’ll take the fold out couch.
Don’t be silly. I’ll take the couch.
Many’s the night I slept on couches in
nightclub dressing rooms. (WISTFUL)
Ah, those were the days (THEN) which I
can say now because I made it out of
those stink holes. But a night or two
will be nostalgic.
Alan, I have to say, it’s a real treat
having you here. Not that I thought
it wouldn’t be (CORRECTING) knew it
wouldn’t be -- but it’s been even
better than I thought -- knew, even
though I knew it couldn’t be better
than what I thought, but it is so what
do I know?
Laura, that’s the nicest gibberish
anyone has ever said to me. (BEFORE
SHE CAN SPEAK) I know what you meant.
Thank you. Let me get the dishes.
No no. At least let me do that.
SHE GRABS HIS PLATE AND ROB’S AND EXITS INTO...
INT. KITCHEN -CONTINUOUS
LAURA ENTERS TO FIND THE KITCHEN IS A DISASTER AREA. EVERY
POT, EVERY SKILLET, EVERY BOWL IS OUT AND DIRTY. MAYBE ALAN
ISN’T SUCH A GREAT HOUSE GUEST AFTER ALL. AS SHE SURVEYS THE
Note: In their script format, at the act break they wrote in "COMMERCIAL." Act two begins tomorrow. Hope you're enjoying this.