Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Diss 'n dat 3

According to she was not fired by CBS. She just outgrew being a sideline reporter. If that’s the case why didn’t she quit her second week?

There’s no way to log onto without feeling like a complete uber nerd.

Maybe Bonnie could co-anchor ABC WORLD NEWS TONIGHT. Since Bob Woodruff’s tragic injury ABC is showing their unwavering confidence in Elizabeth Vargas by getting anyone short of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to co-host with her. And this is after one month.

Nice headline in the HOLLYWOOD REPORTER by the way: “Worry over Woodruff ups ABC ratings”.

Al Michaels has left ABC. Like Bonnie, he just outgrew it. Expect him to join NBC and call Sunday Night Football. He’ll be the best pick up for NBC since FRIENDS.

Among the Grammy winners: U2, Black Eyed Peas, and Les Paul.

Mariah Carey needs to go on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

It’s getting hard to tell her apart from Aretha Franklin.

How many of this year’s Grammy winners will be out of the business by next year?

The WGA Awards were announced. For best staff writing in a TV comedy – Larry David for CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM – the only comedy that has neither a staff nor written scripts. Why not give the award to Warner Herzog? That way it won’t have a staff, won’t be a comedy, won’t have a script, won’t be a show, and won’t be on TV.

Who needs the Winter Olympics when we have SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES?

Six more days until pitchers and catchers report.

Every time I turn on HBO they’re showing HE SAID, SHE SAID.

Motley Crue is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Doesn’t that totally make a mockery out of the stars for Cary Grant, Greta Garbo, Ryan Seacrest, and Bugs Bunny?

This is pathetic. The Oakland A’s new flagship radio home is an all-podcast station. That’s the format. 30 minutes of animal husbandry followed by 30 minutes of “Worldbeat Radio with Jorgito Sol” then “Celtic Music News”. My mistake – I thought the Oakland A’s were in the Major leagues. Why don’t their announcers just stand on the roof and talk into a Mr. Microphone?

On the newsstands now: the best VANITY FAIR cover ever. Only thing better would be a DVD on “the making of the VANITY FAIR cover”.

AMERICAN PIE’S Natasha Lyonne is in a wee bit of trouble. Typical celebrity bad behavior. Seems she’s been charged with threatening to sexually molest her former landlord’s dog (this is TRUE…really). A conviction could hurt her chances for co-anchoring the ABC WORLD NEWS TONIGHT with Elizabeth Vargas.

The villain on 24 is named Erwich…which is also the name of an Executive VP of Fox.

CBS/Paramount is selling all of its theme parks. I hope that doesn’t affect the big plans to erect a NUMB3RS thrill ride.

In the tradition of great screen boxing trainers – you had Burgess Meredith in ROCKY, Clint Eastwood in MILLION DOLLAR BABY and now Jordana Brewster in ANNAPOLIS. It’s a different take on the part – the angelic waif trainer.

Big new musical opening on Broadway – RING OF FIRE (the music of Johnny Cash). It’s so good you’ll feel like you’re spending two hours in Folsom Prison. And if that doesn’t entice the Haddassah groups from Long Island to pre-order I don’t know what will.

Sunday’s Superbowl was the highest rated since the last time the Steelers were participants. Forget Dallas – Pittsburgh is America’s Team. (but you knew that)

Threatening to sexually molest her landlord’s dog???? Yikes! On the other hand, he was supposed to fix that drippy faucet. She called him twice.


VP81955 said...

The A's might as well have gone back to that 10-watt Berkeley station Charlie Finley used near the end of his reign.

BTW, now that the Nationals' future is likely assured after a few hectic hours of the usual D.C. Council surrealism, you may be interested to know that the Nats are moving to 1500 AM and its 50,000 watts, which in late March will dump the WTOP all-news format -- its primary channel will now be 103.5 FM -- and became Washington Post radio, a long-form news format (sort of an NPR with commercials).

Chris said...

What Bonnie Bernstein *really* wants to do is direct.

SkookumJoe said...

"A conviction could hurt her chances"

You used "hurt" instead of the more obvious and clumsy "ruined/wrecked"

and by doing so implied and re-enforced your previous quip about the news anchor.

I so do appreciate this in comedy writing. Subtlety.

Grubber said...

Do I need to know who Bonnie Bernstein is, or can I go the rest of my life not worrying about missing her?

Frank Strovel III said...

Ken, did you miss my comment a few days ago that Bonnie will be working for NBC next season?

Law Student & Aspiring Sitcom Starlet said...

Bonnie Bernstein? Uh oh . . . I'm completely out of the loop. =).

Anonymous said...

I heard ther real reason Bonnie left was that she kept getting slobbering voice mail messages from Joe Namath, threatening to find her on the sidelines and kiss her....

Anonymous said...

Doesn't Triumph the Insult Comic Dog get sexually molested every time he suits up?

Besides, I can see this charge stemming from some comment like "Fix this leaky faucet today or I'm gonna shove that pipe wrench up your dog's ass" which is awesome.

Frank Strovel III said...

I'm reading that Bernstein is joining NBC and then USA TODAY reports she is starting a broadcasters' consulting firm.

Or a firm broadcaster for consulting.

I may have misread something.

By Ken Levine said...

For those who don't know, Bonnie Bernstein is the CBS sports sideline reporter on football and basketball games. She's gets about five minutes of air time total during a game. Her big moment is flagging down a coach for a ten second interview going into halftime. It sounds easy but idiots like Lisa Guerrero couldn't even do that.

I have not heard nor read anything about Bonnie going to NBC. I believe one of the Fox sideline reporters, maybe Pam Oliver, is going to NBC. Bonnie is starting her own sportscaster school-consultancy firm. For $1200 she'll critique your tape. I'll do it for much less if you're interested.

Del said...

I like these Larry King type columns the best!

you're Beautiful, Baby!
don't ever change!

Frank Strovel III said...

Here's what I read last week...

"...DC Examiner sports media columnist Jim Williams tells DCRTV that "local girl" and University Of Maryland grad Bonnie Bernstein will handling the pro football sidelines for NBC next season. She's currently at CBS Sports....."

This was reported by DCRTV two days ago.

Anonymous said...

Bonnie is going to end up at NBC, and God, I love her. Not only Jewish boys would have her as wallpaper on their desktop, Ken.

How 'bout that Al Michaels, traded for 2nd round Ryder Cup, Olympic Highlights, and the rights to an old cartoon rabbit?

By Ken Levine said...

Between Al Michaels and Bonnie Bernstein it'll be an almost all-Jew broadcasting team. (I don't think Madden is Jewish. What Jew travels the country in a bus?).

And yes, Al was traded for Oswald Rabbit. Here's the official release:

In exchange for letting Michaels out of his contract with ABC and ESPN, which are owned by The Walt Disney Co., NBC Universal sold ESPN cable rights to Friday coverage of the next four Ryder Cups, granted ESPN increased usage of Olympic highlights and sold to The Walt Disney Co. the rights to "Oswald the Lucky Rabbit," a character in silent cartoons made by Walt Disney from 1927-28.

Anonymous said...

word is that bonnie bernstein will be an understudy for leslie visser in a very off broadway production of MENOPAUSE THE MUSICAL!

Anonymous said...

Ken, I know that this post is a bit late regarding this column, but you're right about Mariah Carey. Seeing the way she looks now is starting to remind me of the title of an old album by the Who, "Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy"...


Mariah is charming.
Leave the girl alone.
(I'd do her.)