Sunday, February 05, 2006

Stuporbowl XL

I can’t remember a Superbowl that was greeted with more disinterest. And then lived up to its billing. Hard to say what was worse – the game or the commercials.

I knew we were in big trouble with the Dr. Seuss feature. That’s how ABC chose to introduce the Superbowl? With a kindergarten lesson? Who do I throw the green eggs and ham at?

I still can’t get used to Seattle being in the NFC.

Don’t feel sorry for all the bettors who lost a fortune. There’s some poor schmuck who now has a whole warehouse full of “Seahawks 2006 Superbowl Champions” t-shirts and baseball caps.

Every movie theatre in America was empty during the game except the ones showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

And to think I was worried that ESPN would have to pad during their 72 hours of Pre-Superbowl coverage. Happily, every feature was essential…like Linda Cohn interviewing the “Commissioner of Tailgating” and Kenny Mayne redeeming his journalistic credibility after appearing on DANCING WITH THE STARS by learning how to make the ultimate nachos from Martha Stewart. But my favorite was getting to actually watch the guy paint the NFL logo on the field. I smell an Emmy.

It was great seeing all the NFL Hall-of-Famers. There must’ve been maybe three knees between all forty of them.

Who’s now larger, Steeler lineman Casey Hampton, Aretha Franklin, or Stevie Wonder?

There were people crashing into things or animals in every single commercial.

Are all beer drinkers slacker idiots? That’s how they’re portrayed.

Bring back the Bud Bowl.

It’s what we all assumed – the Hummer is the illegitimate child of a dinosaur and a robot.

Al Michaels proved once again why he is the best sportscaster in America. Not only was he right on top of all the controversial plays and calls, he was able to explain them in a clear concise way.

On the other hand, unless you’re Bill Belichick does anyone know what the hell John Madden is talking about half the time? Nickel D’s and 2-4 zones, and bootlegs right. There has to be some middle ground between that and Dr. Seuss.

But I do applaud Madden for this: he made mention of Bill King, the longtime Oakland Raiders announcer who passed away last year. Games should only be as exciting as he called them.

Chris Berman is the Joan Rivers of football.

Suzy Kholber is the Melissa Rivers.

Unless Suzy Kholber has a costume malfunction there’s no earthly reason for her to be there.

Meanwhile, Bonnie Bernstein, the best sideline reporter of them all is being let go by CBS. She was smart, accurate, asked tough questions, and made it to the national level with that nose. I’m sure there are a lot of Jewish boys who use her picture for their screen saver. I hope Bonnie lands another network job soon.

Is there a sporting event in the world more anti-climactic than the NFL Pro Bowl? Why not just give these players their free trips to Hawaii and show the Juice Man informercial?

Worst commercials: the Pepsi brown and bubbly spots. Bring back Joanie Sommers! sounds like the website P. Diddy goes to to get his hookers.

I loved the Rolling Stones. Mick is ageless. Very natural hair dye color too. Couldn’t help but notice he left out the word “cum” in the line “You make a dead man….”

I hope ABC didn’t mind that baby boomers were watching.

Didn’t it seem like every other play set a new Superbowl record? Most catches in the first period: now five. Wow. That’s one record I thought would never be broken.

How about this for a record – the most boring first half ever?

I was happy for Jerome Bettis. Even if Pittsburgh had lost he would be retiring a champion. The fact that they won made it even sweeter.

We’re going to miss him. Bettis was very, well…brown and bubbly.


Anonymous said...

Of course, it turns out the Stones were censored on two of their songs. Timeless? That's one word, I guess. To me, they look like someone doing a parody of the Stones these days. Not quite as cringe-inducing as Mike Love prancing on stage singing "Be True To Your School," but getting there. GMClark

Anonymous said...

I don't get to read your blog often enough but do appreciate, and mostly agree with, your views, suggestions, life lessons, etc. Just one question I've not seen answered: What about those ice cream dots?

Anonymous said...

Every movie theatre in America was empty during the game except the ones showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Funny, homophobic and DEAD WRONG.

I'm gay and I was invited to several Superbowl parties. A couple of the parties were hosted by gay men.

I know stereotypes are funny, but let's move pass some of the more cliched ones...

Jon said...

According to, "I was not fired from CBS. It was my decision to leave to pursue other broadcast ventures and launch my new company, Velvet Hammer Media...." You can read the rest (of the spin?) in her diary.

By Ken Levine said...

Local queer,

Just because I make a gay joke doesn't make me homophobic. Just insensitive and clodddish.


Hope you're right about CBS not firing dear sweet Bonnie. But the timing sure seems odd. Why quit a month before you pretty much go on hiatus? And she can't do both CBS and run her school? Someone should introduce her to Ryan Seacrest.

MaryAn Batchellor said...

Yeah, the Pepsi commercials were lame but loved the Fed Ex caveman and the Budweiser commercials with the streaking sheep and the junior Clydesdale. Of course, I may have been high on guacomole.

Frank Strovel III said...

Ken, the DC Examiner is reporting that Bonnie Bernstein will handling the pro football sidelines for NBC next season.

Anonymous said...

RE: the Stones gig -- From what I could tell, their performance finally earned them the long-sought title of being the acknowledged "World's Oldest Rock Band"... Matter of fact, I checked some newspaper articles, and found that their set list was a repeat of the one they did at halftime of the 1922 Rose Bowl... Poor Mick... I could have sworn I saw him huffing and puffing halfway through the second song... Almost expected him to go back to singing "If you start me up -- you're gonna need -- a de-fib-ril-lator...." Wonder how many tanks of oxygen they had waiting for him under the stands after they left the stage?... And as for ABC bleeping out some of the lyrics -- if they're going to censor content of an obscene and questionable nature, wonder why they didn't also fuzz over Keith Richard's face?....

Anonymous said...

Editing a Stones song is kind of like going back to the Lucy show and bleeping the word"pregnant."

Anonymous said...

Dear local queer,

Comedy is not pretty

Anonymous said...

RE: RE: Stones Gig:

Saw the Stones in Houston's Toyota Center early December 2005.

They rocked for 2 straight hours. Great show.

Yesterday-- sounded like Keith had a busted string. Unimpressed.

ChrisO said...

I was very disappointed with the Stones. Mick looked like he was doing his best, but Keith Richards couldn't have been less interested. And the sound mix was horrible. Or maybe that was my 1-inch TV speakers.

As far as I'm concerned, the Stones still rock as hard as anybody. And please, could we do away with the unwritten rule that every conversation about the Stones must include lame age jokes? Yes, the women throw Depends on the stage, and it's hard for Mick to get around the stage with his walker, etc. etc. Trust me, they've all been done before.

SkookumJoe said...

We accept angry queer comments over at SkookumJoe...not that they're all angry, or that...well...ok some are and but...damn

G... said...

Ken - Couldn't believe you missed this...

Either Chris or Suzy had the largest hands since Seinfeld. Can't remember which. We felt sorry for the microphone.

Anonymous said...

Tom: how could the Stones set list be the same as 92 when they sang Rough Justice,a new song of their just released A Bigger Bang cd?... which btw was censored too: Mick sings 'you were just one of my roosters, now I'm just one of your cocks' ABC took out COCKS so I guess Mick ran afoul of the censors once again..rock on Mick