Friday, April 20, 2007

If I were on SURVIVOR

With SURVIVOR: FIJI heading for the final turn I wondered -- what would I do if I were on SURVIVOR? Probably this...

I’d have to give up my religion. Jews don’t camp. And they’d never go to the tropics if there were no cabanas.

For my luxury item I might bring a porta-potty.

I would try to vote off Jeff Probst.

I would write phony tree mail and watch my tribe mates frantically dig up the beach looking for a bogus immunity medallion.

I would fake injuries.

I would start making alliances on the boat ride over to the island.

I would bribe people for everything.

I would tell the producers my name was “Sawyer” and my profession was “Confidence Man”.

They always show close ups of lizards and toads and scurrying crabs. While the rest of the tribe starved or shared one stinking papaya I would eat one of those.

I would lobby to get our tribe name changed to the “Fighting Irish”.

If I ever won a rewards challenge that featured a feast on some yacht or gorgeous luxury hideaway and was allowed to bring one other person – it would always be the pretty girl.

I would not gorge myself with chocolate after not eating anything for three days. The result would be two doubled over nights on my luxury item.

When Jeff asks “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” I’d answer, “Wanna rephrase that just once because you get paid a ton of money and the least you could do is not spout the same idiotic catch phrases every freaking week?”

Another luxury item I might bring is a polygraph machine.

I would tell the producers that Keira Knightley is my girlfriend so they’d bring her over to visit me.

If I won a panel truck I would not sleep in the back of it with my mother. (What were you thinking, Colby??)

I would try to parlay my appearance on SURVIVOR to get a co-hosting job on the VIEW.

If it got down to me and a woman for the final two, if she wins I would immediately propose to her.


Cap'n Bob said...

Is that stupid show still on? Maybe Sanjaya can get on it. There's no rule thay ALL have to return, is there?

Anonymous said...

Keira Knightley? Man, Julie Delpy for me.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

If Keira Knightley was on the island, I wouldn't need any help from my tribe to "pitch a tent".


Unknown said...

If I were on Survivor, I'd have to tivo my appearance. Thursday nights I'm watching The Office.

Lil_Bit said...


Mike Barer said...

that was funny! Maybe you should ask Jeff to wipe his "you suffer, while I am staying in a luxury hotel, eating gourmet" smirk off of his face.

Mary Stella said...

Very funny, Ken.

I have no intention of every auditioning for Survivor. I don't even want to stay in a hotel that doesn't have a Heavenly or Sweet Sleeper bed with half a dozen pillows.

However, if I ever had a lapse in judgment and decided to go to Survivor, I'd damn sure make sure that I knew how to make fire a dozen different ways. Toothpick and a fingernail? Sure, give me a second and we'll be ready to grill that sea lice.

If I was on Survivor, just once in a challenge, I'd look for a way to swing, hurl or shoot something at Probst, entirely by accident, of course. Whoopsie.

Batocchio said...

Funny! You could save the series.

Off what Cap'n Bob said, a Ken Levine-Sanjaya Survivor face-off could be interesting!

Mike Barer said...

Hate to spoil the fun, but the winner of the third survivor, Ethan Zohn was Jewish. Jewish kids camp when Mom and Dad send them off in the summer, while the parents go to their dream places.

Anonymous said...

"Once again... Immunity... back up for grabs.

This stuff just never gets old!