Thursday, July 15, 2010

If Letterman's extortionist wins an Emmy, here's his speech

How does David Letterman feel? He was passed over for an Emmy and yet today comes word that Joe Halderman – the man who tried to extort him – is nominated.

Halderman’s nominated for producing a segment of 48 HOURS.

If he wins, I hope they let him out of prison for the night to accept the award and that he gets to give the speech. This is what I think it should be:

Wow! I wasn’t expecting this. Thank you. Other than being imprisoned on felony charges this has been some great year. Lots of people to thank. The TV Academy, everyone at CBS, Warden Sommers for allowing me to be here tonight, especially since this is the night I work the back sink Certainly my crew. You guys are the best. A couple have even visited me. Hey, when I get out I’ve got some real ringers for our softball team.

I’d like to thank Amanda Knox. This courageous woman was falsely accused of murder and proven to be innocent. We at 48 HOURS were proud to tell her story. I hope to thank her personally. We now have the same lawyer.

This statue means a lot to me, both because it’s from my peers and secondly because it’s heavy. With this baby in my mitt maybe once I’ll be able to take a shower without six uninvited guys washing my back.

Believe me, I’ll cherish this forever. There are not enough carton of cigarettes in the world that would tempt me to trade it.

Well, my ankle bracelet is beeping, guess it’s time to go. Again, thank you. And to all inmates everywhere – never give up that dream!!!


D. McEwan said...

Great premise. Of course, everyone would assume he won it with blackmail. "I'd like to thank the members of the Academy, and assure them that now that I have this, your wives will never find out."

In his new book Role Models, which I happen to be in the midst of reading right now, John Waters reports that smoking is now banned in all California prisons, which may spread to other states. He says that when he visits his good friend, Manson murderess Leslie Van Houten (Well, he is John Waters), he can no longer give her cartons of cigarettes for bartering with. He now gives her cans of Pepsi, but somehow, it hasn't got that same prison-chic glamor.

To refer back to the Aunt Bea the Network Censor posting, did "Penal Institution" make her list of forbidden penis euphamisms?

l.a.guy said...

As long as they're at it why not give Bruce Beresford-Redman the "O.J. Simpson Lifetime Achievement Award"?.

Sadly O.J. won't be available to present the award, but I think Jeff Zucker would be suitable substitute since he has murdered NBC.

Matt said...

Friday Question:

When did television scripts develop the (Day/1) (Night/1) (Day/2) (Night/2) standard?

James said...

Absolutely. Rhoda would have made the dick jokes. It would have been in character and funny as hell.

Gary said...

Funny stuff, Kenny. Have you enjoyed your vacation? Back at it tonight? I don't follow the Doggers, who are they laying down for tonight? Do you make the road trips or mostly work from a studio in LA?

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