AMERICAN IDOL -- If I'm being honest...

Wow! What an upset! Kris Allen won. The All-American fresh-faced boy next door beat a theatrical guy who wore leather and eyeliner. Who knew??? This country is not yet ready to crown a young man who looks like Liza Minelli their next American Idol. Not that Kris didn't deserve it but clearly Adam was the more interesting, original choice. And I suspect will have the greater career (whatever that means). They could both be stars or in five years one could open for the other at Magic Mountain.

Still, it was Adam who jump-started the series. He's the one everybody was talking about, he's the reason you watched every week. My guess is all those tweenage girls who were so shattered last year when David Archeletta lost vowed they would never let that happen again. Hell hath no fury like a middle schooler with a Twitter account!

Of course the real winner here is AMERICAN IDOL. People will be talking about this for days.

I felt bad for both of them on the final performance night having to sing that insipid song co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

Go farther and deeper and don’t give up your dreams, there are no boundaries, climb every mountain, spread your wings, reach for the stars.

Those lyrics might inspire Mike Tyson to bite someone's ear off but otherwise they’re nothing but a string of tired clichés. And the person who co-wrote that drivel is telling other people they’re not artists?? Mark my words: after this week you’ll hear “Letter to my Teenage Son” by Victor Lundberg on the radio before you ever hear “No Boundaries”. More on Kara later.

Here are my overall thoughts on this season. And please understand that I’m a fan of the show. At one time I loved it. It was the perfect blend of music, controversy, and stupidity all wrapped into one highly entertaining hour of live cheese. I just think they’ve gotten off the track.

AMERICAN IDOL has become American Airlines. You get far less for your money and it takes much longer to get to your destination.

In a Fox effort to get as much as they can out of their one cash cow (SIT DOWN, SHUT UP never panned out as the national phenomenon they expected) I’m sure they put pressure on IDOL to expand as much as they could. Y’know, a half hour here, fourteen hours there. But with no real new program content what we were left with was cocaine cut so thin it would pass a Major League Baseball drug test.

All of the “improvements” this season were designed to pump more air into the already stretched balloon. Adding a fourth judge. Good God, why? Two of the ones they already had were as useless as highway signs in Braille. Then, to compound matters, they hire a woman so annoying, so whiney that I find myself preferring the sound of a car alarm. And she’s still a better judge than songwriter.

Another “improvement” was to expand Hollywood week. They took 300 hours of Hollywood auditions and edited them down to 298 hours of airtime. Topped off by an entire night of kids stepping into an elevator that led to their doom. So much for follow your dreams, reach for the sky, etc. There may be no boundaries for Kris, but for the other 99,999 there definitely are and the sign at the border read KEEP OUT.

Once the live broadcasts began the show started to show some life. We were treated to actual performances. 90 second snippets that passed for songs but still! Of course we were now two months into the season already. (Compare that to 24 where by week eight more people had died than in World War I.)

This is the “psychopaths and opportunists on parade” portion of the festivities. Topping this year’s crop of loons was Tatiana Del Toro who was so off-the-charts obnoxious that Kara was tolerable. It’s like when your face is on fire you tend to forget that your tooth aches.

Here again, the producers’ “improvements” allowed whackjobs like Tatiana to just keep coming back, much like the Terminator or floods. The problem is after eight seasons we’ve become so conditioned to the freaks and losers that there’s nothing surprising or even entertaining about them anymore. So Tatiana on her knees wailing and groveling for one more chance is now as heart wrenching as the TV Guide program crawl.

Finally the Top 13 was selected (in previous years it was the Top 10). This gave producers the opportunity to stretch the show to two hours or more for weeks. Mentors were once again enlisted. Vocal advice from such noted singers as guitarist Slash, film director Quentin Tarentino, and actor (with a movie conveniently just opening) Jaime Foxx. Were fellow crooners Dick Cheney and Roseanne unavailable?

When they finally had to limit the performance shows to an hour it was like squeezing a Minnesota Viking into Nicole Richie’s leotards. First the judges had to team up and that was a disaster. Silence Simon so Kara could question everyone’s “artistry”. The cardinal rule of show business: You never replace Curly with Shemp if Curly is still alive.

Results shows that used to be a half hour swelled to sixty minutes. So there were now 58 minutes of shoe leather rather than 28. The rest of these hours were filled with former American Idols hawking their new singles (a Taylor Hicks pity booking), Ford commercials (they're zany these kids!), recaps of recaps, Up With People production numbers that transformed the tattooed contestants into Osmonds, and plugs for iTunes, tours, video downloads, their website -- pretty much everything short of Paula’s jewelry line and bottles of Mighty Mendit.

But unlike past years, the caliber of contestants (once you weeded out “Bikini Girl” and the future Mickey Rourkes) was much higher this season. Adam, Danny, or Allison could have easily beaten the "Soul Patrol", Jordin Sparks, or "the Velvet Teddy Bear (Ruben Studdard -- see how fast we forget?). All the more reason to be frustrated when performances were truncated so Randy had time to say “mad vocals” fifteen times a show instead of nine.

So congratulations to Kris. And Adam, who will probably get even more notoriety for losing. Most of the others from this year's crop will fade into the mist although Tatiana will surely resurface if they ever do a remake of SYBIL.

There’s a rumor that next year Fox plans to expand the show even more. This ranks up there in hubris with ticket prices at the new Yankee Stadium. I hope it's not true and I'll just conclude by reminding you of that one great truism of Broadway.

“Cut out twenty minutes and the show will run for two more years”.

Tryouts for next season begin soon. Eagle scouts only need apply. See you in January.

Double dating with Frank Sinatra

Here's another excerpt from the book I'm writing about growing up in the 60s. Note: After the AMERICAN IDOL finale I will post a review of the entire season.

But for now, let's stagger back to September, 1965... ...Meanwhile, willowy 19 year old actress Mia Farrow began dating a “real” senior – Frank Sinatra. He was 49 at the time. It would have been great to double date with them. Maybe go to the Friday night Taft football game, and grab a pizza at Shakey’s. You know what else Frank would like? A popular activity among popular kids was TP'ing someone’s home. That meant showering the house in streams of toilet paper. I can just imagine Frank tossing a roll, saying this house looked vaguely familiar and then realizing, “Hey, this is where the kidnappers held my son!”

School rivalries were big in the San Fernando Valley, especially in the fall when football reined supreme. Taft had two rivals – Canoga Park High and Birmingham High. Canoga was our nearest competitor. They had an older stucco campus and a much rougher crowd. The rivalry would have been bigger had we not been afraid to go to the Canoga games.

So we needed another rival more our socio-economic level. Birmingham High in Encino fit the bill. Good football programs and instead of knife fights you just had Jews taunting each other that their temples had inferior lecture series.

The fall semester was also basketball season. Having suffered through basketball boot camp in the spring I intended to get my just rewards and actually “play” the damn game. I was assigned to the “B” team, which is essentially junior varsity. And I was terrible. Only if there was twelve seconds to go in the game and we were leading by at least 65 points would the coach send me into the game, and usually with instructions to just stand underneath the basket and let myself get fouled. After maybe three games I was cut from the team. But the coach had a proposition. How would I like to become the varsity manager? I would collect the balls after practice. That seemed very demeaning to me, insulting even. Until I learned it would satisfy my P.E. requirement. Sold. I was team manager for three years. And for the next two springs I was manager of the varsity gymnastics team (same coach) where my chief responsibility was to hand out chalk. Not many people can say they lettered in two varsity sports and never once took a shower.

One very big perk of being a manager during basketball season was that I got to be the P.A. announcer at home games. Since I always wanted to be a sportscaster this was just my dish. But I was fired from that too when I caused a major incident during the big Taft-Chatsworth game. I thought I saw a Chatsworth player signal a ref so I said, “And Chatsworth wants a time out.” The ref heard that and charged a time out to them. Well, the signal was apparently for something else (Ooops. My bad.) and the Chatsworth coach went ballistic. This resulted in a technical for our team. Now our coach was livid. In short order everyone was screaming at everyone else. Chatsworth made the technical and eventually won the game… by one point. (Ooops. Reeeeeally my bad.) I spent the rest of the games icing ankles.

Thus concludes the section on my vaunted athletic career in high school. Or any other time in my life .

AMERICAN IDOL season finale review tomorrow. Hint: I hate Kara's songwriting almost as much as I hate her judging.

STAR TREK

NO SPOILER ALERT REALLY NECESSARY!!!

The trailer tells you more than I will.What’s more implausible, time travel or a summer blockbuster that doesn’t disappoint? STAR TREK kicked ass – on both accounts. Okay, some of the rocking in the theater might have been from the 4.7 earthquake but the effects were good too.

J.J. Abrams, who understands that the key to a good action flick is the story and not how many explosions you can set off in two hours, does a nifty job in re-energizing the musty Star Trek franchise. Seeing the Enterprise crew when they were young and brash and could fit into their velour uniforms was inspired. STAR TREK meets the MUPPET BABIES.

Newcomer Chris Pine was terrific as the young Captain Kirk. I’m sure in forty years he’ll make an excellent Denny Crane too. Zachary Quinto did young Mr. Spock proud. There must be some Vulcan in his family somewhere because he brought a real believability to the role. Winona Ryder played his mother, always shrouded in a hood and robe – all the better to lift props when no one was looking.

The young Bones, Chekhov, Sulu, and Uhura were all there and "admirable" but Simon Pegg as Scotty almost stole the movie. Quick aside: We did an episode of ALMOST PERFECT where there was a STAR TREK convention and we wanted members of the original cast to guest. We inquired about Nichelle Nichols who played Uhura and she passed saying she didn’t “do episodic”. What?? We got Walter Koenig and he was great. Again, we thank him for slumming it and doing network television.

Leonard Nimoy appeared as the elder Mr. Spock. Vulcan dental work is apparently no better than earth’s. But I loved seeing this beloved STAR TREK original. I wonder if they asked about Nichelle Nichols and she said she didn’t “do prequels”.

Query (as Spock might say): Do all space villains other than Darth Vader have to look like Ming the Merciless from FLASH GORDON? Eric Bana’s evil Captain Nemo was Ming but after a drunken night in San Diego that resulted in elaborate face tattoos. But he was a worthy adversary and it’s the first time I’ve ever heard a super villain say, “Hi!”

Kudos to Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman for their thrills & spills screenplay. And thanks for not making STAR TREK “dark” like every other super hero/action/adventure franchise. Yeah, Kirk’s dad died but it’s much more fun to see him raise hell than become goth boy.

The pace was great, the action sequences boffo, and all your favorite STAR TREK gadgets were there – phasers, beaming people aboard, heat shields, Vulcan mind melds, even phones.

And if you’re into having sex with green women, this movie is for YOU!!

STAR TREK – I give it 5 stars, 2 galaxies, and 1 1/2 novas (I had to take 1/2 off because Captain Nemo's enormous spacecraft was black. How many fender benders with other spacecraft is that gonna cause because you just can't see it in the dark?)

The earthquake

Oh, that's what it was! I was in the DGA theater watching a screening of STAR TREK. At the time I felt a rumbling and thought, "Wow, that J.J. Abrams really knows how to create realistic special effects!" Anyway, I'm fine and my review of STAR TREK follows Monday night.

Sure, NOW it's all "Glee"

I read an article recently about the new Fox show GLEE that will premiere in the fall but the pilot will sneak preview following the AMERICAN IDOL finale. It was created by Ryan Murphy who also created NIP/TUCK. The premise seems intriguing. An hour high school themed show that weaves in subversive musical numbers. So I guess it’s HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL meets “the Carver”.

The article was glowing. Kevin Reilly of Fox and Dana Walden, the president of 20th TV were touting Murphy as a genius. They were thrilled with the originality of the series, how bold and innovative it is. The young cast similarly was singing (and dancing) Murphy’s praises. It was just a big ol’ glorious love fest!

But as I read the article I thought to myself, “Ah, the honeymoon period.” Enjoy it everybody. But should the show premiere with less than stellar reviews, and should the numbers be disappointing just watch. The network and studio will turn on a dime. As will the actors.

Forget all that hand-off treatment. Networks go from nirvana to panic in less than 60 seconds. Murphy will be deluged. The network will want casting changes. Can they replace the two stars with Tatiana and Sanjaya? Do they have to do the musical numbers? Are the scripts too dark? Is the show too original? Too innovative? Might the budget be a little high? Can they re-shoot the pilot (even though it has already aired?) Everything will be questioned. The title music, the wardrobe, the props. What if the show wasn’t set in a high school?

The actors will now question lines and motivations? Kids who three months ago were waiting tables and singing oldies at Edie’s Broadway Diner will have concerns over where their characters are going. They’ll parrot suggestions their friends and acting teachers have made. Parents will request a meeting with Murphy.

Stunt casting of course will be the network cure-all. Could they get Obama? Or Susan Boyle?

Get ready for time slot changes. And “hiatuses”.

Hopefully none of this will come to pass. Hopefully GLEE will live up to its name. And it will receive a much better fate than say PUSHING DAISIES. Boy were those early articles amazing!

What to see and do in LA

It’s a slow day in LA. Kiefer Sutherland is charged for head butting someone. Ho hum. I know this is the time of the year when people start planning their vacations and if Los Angeles is among your destinations, here are a few things to see and do.

Walk along Sunset Blvd at night close to the curb. You never know which star is going to hit you with their car. You might get Halle Berry’s autograph and insurance information.

If you want to see celebrities go to Vicente market in Brentwood. Okay, it may be fired local news anchor Paul Moyer but it’s a name.

Go to Phillippe’s French Dip sandwich place downtown. Great atmosphere. You might be standing in line with the mayor, a homeless guy, and a rock star. Not sure if they do it anymore but Phillippe’s used to be the weekly hangout for former circus clowns. The Nate N’ Al’s for bozos.

Have a Pinkberry yogurt. It’s all the rage. I have no idea why. You’d think there was cocaine in it.

Visit the Grove. This is Disneyland without rides. An outdoor shopping mall that looks like Main Street USA. LA’s version of an urban neighborhood – Cute by half facades and an Apple Store.

Bobs Big Boy in Toluca Lake takes you back to the fabulous 50’s, when there was car service, double-deck hamburgers, thick milk shakes in silver goblets, and the greasers from high school who stuffed you in a toilet are there to terrorize you again.

See a ballgame at Dodger Stadium. Bring a transistor radio to listen to Vin Scully for the first three innings. Then bring a portable TV to listen to Scully call the rest of the game.

Ride the Metro. LA has a great subway system. But don’t ask an Angelino for directions to a station. No resident of the city has ever heard of the Metro.

For you culture vultures, there’s the Getty Museum and the Fredericks of Hollywood Museum of Bras.

Go to Mann’s Chinese Theater and see if your feet fit into the footprints of big stars like Marilyn Monroe or Trigger.

While in Hollywood, fall by Amoeba records. It’s the largest, greatest, most comprehensive record store you’ll ever see. And the staff of scary, tattooed, pierced, spiked hair freaks with chains dangling from every orifice are all courteous and knowledgeable.

And then there’s Chinatown, Jake. Of course there’s a Chinatown in every town.

For souvenirs and gifts for those folks back home, swing by Melrose Ave. and check out the fine selection at Condom-nation.

Sight-seers, there’s always the La Brea Tar Pits. Big black pools surrounded by chain linked fences. It’s amazing to think that way back millions of years in prehistoric days dinosaurs fell into those pits and constructed those fences.

Get a Map of the Stars Homes. Who knows? You might get lucky and see Ronald Coleman coming out to get the paper, or Lucille Ball throwing out Desi.

Unfortunately, LA’s top tourist attraction, the Lever Brothers Soap Factory has closed. The tour of the lye vats was not to be missed.

Don’t forget the Griffith Park Observatory where they filmed classic scenes from REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE. True story: the observatory was named for wealthy tycoon Colonel Griffith J. Griffith, who donated the land. In perfect Hollywood Babylon fashion, he once served jail time for getting drunk one night and shooting his wife, convinced she was conspiring with the pope to murder him.

Which reminds me, see Phil Spector’s house too.

Supertrain

The first pilot we wrote and produced was for NBC in 1979. It did not get on the schedule. We got beat out by PINK LADY AND JEFF. Also that season, Fred Silverman -- once the golden boy of CBS and ABC -- premiered his big budget sure fire new smash hit, SUPERTRAIN. It proved to be one of the most colossal failures in the history of television.

Here are the first ten minutes of the pilot. Television at its worst but cheese at its very best.

Ready for some Friday questions?

Richard Y asks:

When a comedy show is filmed in front of a live studio audience (the producers hope they are alive) 'Laverne & Shirley', and many others for example. How do they set up the sight gags that one would see coming if sitting in the audience (and not laugh) but when viewing at home the audience laughter is appropriately placed as the sight gag is reveled?

Often we’ll have a riser covering a set until we’re about to shoot. Or pre-shoot a scene up until the big reveal. But it’s hard to really hide surprise-jokes. Plus, there are always re-shoots and pick ups so the audience sees the same joke several times regardless. The real fun is doing complicated stunts live in front of the audience. I talked about the pie fight I staged on ALMOST PERFECT. We did that live. See for yourself. There was an episode of CHEERS my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote where Cliff chains himself to his house to stave off the wrecking ball. Eventually Norm cuts the center beam and the entire second floor crashes down just after they vacate the place. Even a toilet is seen crashing to the ground. That was all filmed in real time in front of 200 startled and delighted people. Kudos to James Burrows for that one.

From Mark Potts:

What do you think about actors writing and directing episodes of shows you work on?

It all depends on the actor. Alan Alda was a good writer and even better director. Other actors we have worked with were not. When they wrote scripts we had to rewrite them from scratch. One actor I worked with got to direct an episode every season. Normally he was the nicest guy. But when he became a director he became a raging maniac It was so bizarre to hear him order around people knowing the following week he would just be one of them again. Often times when actors direct multi-camera shows they just work with the actors on the stage and someone else (usually the camera coordinator) has to do the camera blocking because the actor has no clue how to do that.

But some actors have become so proficient as directors they've become that full-time. Peter Bonerz, James Widdoes, Melanie Mayron, Amanda Bearse, Will MacKenzie, Robbie Benson, Betty Thomas, Penny Marshall, David Steinberg just to name a bunch. There are at least fifty others. And that's just the ones who are still alive.

My problem in general with actors writing scripts is that they tend to give themselves all the good lines and other cast members are given short shrift. In one script by one series regular (who will remain nameless) he gave his co-star six lines for the entire episode. Of course we had to rewrite extensively.

My problem with actors directing episodes is that usually they try to be light in the episode and as good as they might be behind the camera they’re better in front of it.

That said, some of the best directors I’ve ever worked with were (and are) actors. Danny DeVito and Alan Alda top that list.

And finally:

Rob! weighs in:

I was watching an episode of Frasier last night, the one where they all go to a cabin in the woods, intended as a romantic getaway for Martin and Ronnie, and they all have weird dreams.

Martin's dream is this huge musical number, complete with dancing girls, fireworks, etc. Quite an amazing little number.

My question is, in terms of producing such an episode--that clearly busts the budget for that particular episode, doing something so elaborate.

Where does that money come from? Do you go to the network for extra $$ or do the producers take money away from other episodes that come in under budget, to put it towards something special?

Studios are given money by the networks for two prime time airings. This is the “license fee”. It is negotiated between the studio and network. If the show goes over budget the studio is responsible for the remaining costs. But the studio owns the show and can sell it into syndication if there are enough episodes and there is a market for that series (like say FRASIER). Then it’s a license to print money.

But most shows fail. And most of the time the studios lose money on series. Now keep in mind, today the networks own the studios so the lines are blurred over who owns what and who is responsible for what. The network controls everything.

Generally shows have a yearly budget. So if you do an elaborate dance number one week, the next week just have an episode that takes place in Frasier’s apartment that can come in under budget.

You’ll notice that with 24. There will be some spectacular stunts and helicopters and giant gun battles. And the next two weeks Jack will be in FBI headquarters. Another thing, to help pay for the cost of sets and production, usually if Jack Bauer goes somewhere he’s there for at least two episodes. A warehouse, the White House, etc. And you’ll notice a “day” on 24 usually begins around 8 a.m. That allows them to shoot the daytime scenes in the summer when it stays light until 8 and the nighttime scenes in the winter when shooting can begin as early as 5. Lots of little tricks go into getting the most bang for your production buck.

I don’t know how they do it on LOST though. Every week is elaborate and expensive. It’s a mystery – like everything else on that show.

What’s your question? The comments section awaits.

Mr.Burns explains the HULU controvery to you

Cable companies are mad at HULU.com. It's complicated but I think Mr. Burns does a good job of explaining the facts.

INT. MONTGOMERY BURNS OFFICE – DAY

Smithers enters.

SMITHERS: You wanted to see me, Mr. Burns?

BURNS: My great-great-great grandson tells me that something called YouTube is a big hit on that world web netosphere thingamajiggy.

SMITHERS: Yes, it is. It gets millions of viewers a day.

BURNS: I want in on that action! How can we steal it and say we came up with it first? Like I did once with radio.

SMITHERS: Well, I think YouTube already too established to steal. But we can improve on it.

BURNS: I’m listening. At least in this ear.

SMITHERS: YouTube just shows clips. What if we formed a competing site that shows entire episodes of current popular shows?

BURNS: You mean like “Mr. Peepers” and the “Colgate Comedy Hour”? Oooh, how the kids love that one!

SMITHERS: I’ve taken the liberty of asking one of our lowly employees to watch television for 260 straight hours so we can determine which shows the average simpleton will want to watch. (checking clipboard) His name is Homer Simpson.

BURNS: Homer, you say? That’s it! I’ve just thought of the name for this new site. HOMO.

SMITHERS: Brilliant as always, sir. HOMO.com.

BURNS: Let’s launch it right away. I’m liable to forget in an hour so time is of the essence.

SMITHERS: Well, there are some issues to be worked out first.

BURNS: Issues? What issues?

SMITHERS: The cable company pays cable networks for the use of their product. It’s not going to want to pay if the public can see the shows elsewhere.

BURNS: Who owns the cable company?

SMITHER: Well, we do.

BURNS: And who really pays the cable networks?

SMITHERS: That would be the subscribers.

BURNS: That Homer fellow then. And who owns hundreds of cable networks that make up the current landscape?

SMITHERS: Us and maybe two others.

BURNS: We own the shows as well, do we not?

SMITHERS: All except “Mr. Peepers” and perhaps “Family Guy”.

BURNS: And if we put commercials in the shows we show on the interspace we get all of that ad revenue too, correct?

SMITHERS: Not to mention, the cable company – that we own – provides the access to the internet in the first place.

BURNS: So we charge the great unwashed for that. What are the issues? Is there a ninth or tenth way to screw Mr. John Q. Public that we’re not thinking of? I’m all ear.

SMITHERS: You’re forgetting about the writers, directors, and actors.

BURNS: Damn it, Smithers, we’re talking about providing entertainment to the masses! How do writers, directors, and actors figure into any of that?

SMITHERS: They have this misguided notion that just because they actually created and made these shows that they have some proprietary right to them.

BURNS: What?! Why that’s INSANE! That’s like saying when I have a bowel movement that I own it.

SMITHERS: You don’t?

BURNS: Certainly not. Nature does. It becomes part of the grand scheme of this planet I so informally call earth. This is a moot point anyway. I haven’t taken a bowel movement since the Berlin wall went up.

SMITHERS: Well, these so-called “artistes” believe they should receive two or three cents royalties for using their material.

BURNS: Which is it?

SMITHERS: Sir?

BURNS: Two or three cents?

SMITHERS: We used to pay them $9,000 or so for every network rerun so we’re still getting off much cheaper.

BURNS: You didn’t answer my question. Two or three cents?

SMITHERS: I’m afraid they’re going to want more. They know that we stand to make billions.

BURNS: Two or three? It’s a simple question!

SMITHERS: It’s more like a dollar even!

BURNS: No! Never! The only reason I'm not pounding on the desk is that I can no longer make a fist.

SMITHERS: Sir, you could always promise the dollar to them and then never deliver. Just like we do with their pension and health benefits.

BURNS: Still. It’s the principle!

SMITHERS: Well, Mr. Burns, I think you’ve found your tenth way to screw Mr. John Q. Increase fees and let him pay for the royalties.

BURNS: Royalties that we have no intention of paying. Yes. That I can live with. When can we be up and running?

SMITHERS: Just as soon as we finish uploading WKRP and “Cops” we’re ready to go.

BURNS: Smithers, this will be a huge success!

SMITHERS: Absolutely. Years from now when people say the word HOMO they will think only of you!

BURNS: Finally! A legacy!

AMERICAN IDOL -- Adam and the two other guys

Some idle idol questions:

How do they schedule only six songs in 64 minutes and still go over? Especially when, in years past, they’d do nine songs and finish on time.

Was Simon and Ryan in the tanning booth too long? Their skin was the same shade as Bob Evans’ – a orange heretofore never seen in nature.

And were they in the same tanning booth?

What was Carrie Underwood doing on SURVIVOR?

Why is Kara even there?

Who were some of those people they showed in the audience? They’re now even less familiar than stars of Fox comedies.

Where’s the suspense? Adam, Kris, and Danny are like a presidential election between Barack Obama, Ralph Nader, and Lyndon LaRouche.

Now to the performances. The judges chose one song and the contestants got to choose the other.

Danny Gokey, as per Paula’s suggestion, did some forgettable song about a dancing relative, originally sung by Trent D’Arby, an artist whose name was so forgettable he forgot it himself and now is known as Sananda Maitreya. Simon criticized the song choice (I love that) and the hens were split on Danny’s dancing. I thought he did fine and could become the most nonthreatening performer to have a hit on the rock charts since the Singing Nun.

His other song was Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I was disappointed. Joe Cocker had heart, Joe Cocker had raw emotion, Joe Cocker had seizures. I felt none of that from Danny. Just vocal gymnastics. Rarely will a guy plead his love to a girl by blasting a note to her from across the Acropolis.

Kris Allen did “Apologize” as per Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber’s suggestion. Maybe the best moment of the year was when Simon called out Kara for picking this nothing song and then criticizing Kris’ performance of it. Kara is that obnoxious cousin every family has that you hate yourself for thinking this but you wish she had married Ike Turner.

Kris’ next number, Kanye West’s “Heartless” was better. The judges thought his acoustic arrangement was daring and risky. Sorry but that’s pushing it a little. Daring and risky is tackling an acoustic arrangement when you don’t know how to play guitar.

Of course Simon had the best song selection – “One” by U2 for Adam Lambert. And of course Adam (who went back to the Joey Heatherton look) gave the performance of the night. Although, is it just me or is his high-pitched screech getting just a tad annoying? Please don’t burn a big A on my lawn. I’m just askin’.

For his own number Adam did Aerosmith’s “Cryin’”. At this point he could have done the “Unicorn Song” and still received the same four blowjobs from the judges. He’s a lock to win AMERICAN IDOL and either become the next Elvis Presley or Bette Midler.

And for Kris and Danny, hey, losing isn’t so bad. At least you don’t have to go to Africa.

Tomorrow: Montgomery Burns explains the whole Hulu/cable company controversy to you.

Comedy writers can be bad ass

In the summer of 1990 I was broadcasting for the Tidewater Tides, the AAA affiliate of the New York Mets. It was a Sunday afternoon game and I had to read a commercial for the Day’s Inn at Military Circle – “Home to the visiting teams of the International League”. I noted that our dreaded rivals, the Columbus Clippers (Yankees ) were coming to town next and said, “Why don’t you call them all at 5 a.m. and welcome them to Tidewater.” Now you have to bear in mind that no one listened to minor league radio broadcasts other than players’ wives.

Or so I thought.

The next afternoon I arrived at the park only to learn that the Clippers had been besieged with pre dawn wake up calls. Needless to say they were pissed.

I guiltily went down to their clubhouse and apologized to their manager, Rick Down. He was very gracious, said he had heard it on the air and thought it was pretty funny. He also felt this would stir up the team, I might have done him a favor. (It did. They won that night. So now I had pissed off both teams.) But Rick was very forgiving.

The Clippers’ trainer however, was not. He went ballistic when he saw me, calling me words that were too harsh even for DEADWOOD. And he vowed to get back at me when we were in Columbus the following weekend.

I calmly asked if he ever watched CHEERS. He said, “Yeah, why?” wondering why that was relevant to anything. I then asked if he ever caught some of the bar wars episodes between Cheers and Gary’s Old Towne tavern? Again, he said, “Yeah. So what?” “Well, I wrote those shows, motherfucker, “ I said, “Do you really want to get into a practical joke war with me?”

That was the last I heard of the trainer.

The moral is clear.

Do NOT fuck with comedy writers! EVER!

We may appear harmless but we can fill your office with sheep just for looking at us funny.

Is it okay to boo at operas?

A time honored tradition at any sporting event is booing. In Philadelphia fans been even known to boo the opposition and not just their own players. New York fans tend to confine their booing to the visiting team but should an opposing outfielder crash into a fence they’ll ease up on the jeering by spitting on the fallen athlete.

But it’s expected. It’s a ballgame. And they serve beer.

Lately, however, the practice has expanded. People are now booing at operas.

Some fat woman in a Viking helmet can’t hit high E after C, theatergoers let her have it. Should a director take liberties with that classic Der Ring des Nibelungen he’ll hear about it in no uncertain terms.

This is not a trend I approve of. First of all, when I go to an opera I don’t want anything to wake me up. Secondly, what does this say about our society? Has our rage gotten so out of hand that we feel the need to blast bulbous singing clowns? Do they now sell Budweiser at Teatro Regio di Parma?

I’m not an opera buff. But it was nice to know there was some civility somewhere. I mean, it’s not like Barry Bonds is barnstorming Austria singing Pagliacci.

People are also booing in movie theaters and this really baffles me. I can see it during test screenings. The filmmakers are there seeking input. But when you boo Sylvester Stallone for being twenty years too old to star as an action hero at a Cineplex in Kansas on a Tuesday night, chances are good he’s not going to hear you. Actually, in that case no one will hear you because you’ll be alone in the theater.

Still the question remains, do you think it’s okay to boo at operas or plays or musicals besides CATS?

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

The funniest scene I ever directed

It's a show and tell answer to a bonus question.

Scott Siegel asked:

Recently I've been introducing my children to the great sitcoms of the past. And often I will just show them some classic scenes that work by themselves (such as Lucy at the Candy Shop, Rev. Jim getting his driver's license, Oscar and Felix on Password). Are there any scenes that you and David wrote that you are perfectly proud of in terms of its comedic timeliness?

This isn't a scene we wrote but it is a scene I directed and it makes me laugh every time I watch it. It's from a FRASIER episode called "Roz and the Schnoz", hilariously written by Jeff Richman. It was quite a director's challenge to maximize all the moments and reveals and I'm very proud of how it came out.

Roz is about to meet the parents of the father of her soon-to-be child. Enjoy.



What's your question???

The Albania song

Here's a tell-and-show Friday question.

cleek wonders:

Who wrote Coach's "Albania" song? Everything I know about the country comes from that song, so I'd like to thank whoever wrote it.

That was from the third season of CHEERS. My memory is a little hazy on that episode so I contacted two writers who were involved.

From Tom Reeder:

Hi, Ken -- As it turns out, I was the writer of that script. It was called "Teacher's Pet", and the storyline had to do with Sam going to night school to get the high school diploma he'd never achieved. Inspired by Sam, Coach also went back to finish up -- he was a couple of years short. Coach proved to be a more diligent student than Sam, because he developed his own unique mnemonic devices. One of them was a song (to the tune of "When The Saints Go Marching In") that contained facts about Albania for an upcoming Geography test: "You border on the Adriatic"... "your land is mostly mountainous"... "and your chief export is chrome".

In fairness, I think Sam Simon may have supplied some of the words for the song, and I may not have the lyrics exactly right, but I'm pretty certain "your chief export is chrome" was the last line. Nick Colasanto really sold it. It was pretty funny.

It's not unusual for the staff to tinker with scripts. Lord knows they improved all of mine. Sam Simon was a producer of CHEERS that year and talks about polishing the Albania bit.

It was room written by Glen and Les Charles, Heide Perlman, David Angel, Ken Estin and myself in about 90 seconds. I went to the Bornstein Memory School when I was a kid, and I suggested the song as a mnemonic device. This was before the internet, so we got out an almanac for the facts, which were true. I think the tune is “When the Saints Go Marching In”. I guess it shows how effective transposing song lyrics are as a mnemonic device, because, more than twenty years later, I know Albania borders on the Adriatic and their chief export is chrome. This may have been the last episode Nick filmed, I’m not sure. They aired out of order. He was extremely frail that night.

Thanks to Tom and Sam, and now, here is the actual scene. What's your question? If I don't know the answer I try to find the people who do.

My take on Manny Ramirez

It will sure be interesting hosting Dodger Talk on KABC tonight. Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and has been suspended for fifty games. Uh, there goes Mannywood. Big sale on those dreadlocks at the concession stands. And of course there are the thousand Manny billboards that are splayed over the southland.

This is a huge bombshell and a crushing blow to the Dodgers and their fans. Supposedly, he was suspended not for steroids but for some doctor prescribed amphetamine. I’d like to believe that’s true. I’d like to believe he didn’t cheat; he just showed incredibly poor judgment. And considering Manny's past history let's just say there has been precedent. Hey, will you people in Boston stop laughing so hard? It’s breaking my concentration.

There is another case of a player, J.C. Romero of the Philadelphia Phillies who was recently suspended fifty games for taking a supplement he purchased over the counter. He too thought it was safe. All he, or Manny, or any player who knows how to use the phone has to do is call the commissioner’s office for verification on any specific drug, supplement, or Tic Tac. If a doctor prescribes it that’s not enough. If you buy it at Whole Foods that’s not enough. If you call the players union and get their permission that’s not enough either. CHECK FIRST YOU IDIOTS!!!!

And again, I'm taking Manny's statement at face value. Who knows if more bombshells are coming? At this point I wouldn't be shocked if word leaks that Mother Teresa was also a gun runner.

Manny will return in early July and in all likelihood the Dodgers will prevail. This is a good team without him and I suspect the players will rise to the occasion. And it doesn’t hurt that they’re playing in a God awful division. But the betrayal to the fans is devastating. Yes, they may forgive him. They forgave Kobe. (Let’s see how New York fans welcome back A-Roid.) But it’ll never be the same. I feel sorry for all the kids who lost a hero today. I feel sorry for the McCourts who shelled out a lot of 2009-economy dollars in good faith to bring him to Los Angeles. In fact, I feel sorry for everybody... but Ramirez.

On a personal note, I like Manny. He’s a very engaging guy. A big kid. Fun to be around. I always thought he was a goofball, not taking them. And true, Manny's not the smartest ballplayer I’ve ever encountered but the person representing him – who is smart -- is supposed to look out for him. That would be Scott Boras… the same Scott Boras who also represents Alex Rodriguez. Nice job, Scott.

This is a sad day for the Dodgers and the game itself. As a lifelong fan, it breaks my heart. Is my love for baseball the only remaining pure thing about it?

Summer Movies Preview: Part three

Here's what's left to see or skip this summer.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER – non linear RomCom starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. Sounds promising but I hope they don’t show every day.

BRUNO – Sascha Baron Cohen as a gay Austrian fashion reporter. You’ll probably laugh your ass off even if you hate yourself for it.

THE UGLY TRUTH – RomCom starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. Whenever you see in the studio description “sparks fly” hold your breath. Whenever you see Katherine Heigl in a comedy hold your breath.

G-FORCE – Jerry Bruckheimer feels it’s finally time that he stretches as an artist. No more loud mindless explosionfests. So he produced this live-action/animated/3-D movie about secret agent guinea pigs.

FUNNY PEOPLE – Judd Apatow’s summer entry. Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen play men who never grew up. At least Bruckheimer added 3-D.

JULIE & JULIA – After directing BEWITCHED, MIXED NUTS, and MICHAEL, why is Hollywood letting Nora Ephron even get within ten feet of a iPhone that records video?

TAKING WOODSTOCK – You’ve heard the music. You’ve seen the crowds. But have you explored the homosexuality? Director Ang Lee thinks it’s about time you did. He should rename the film TAKING STOCK OF WOOD.

THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE – “Where were you last night and don’t tell me the Middle Ages, you bastard!”

DISTRICT 9 – Extraterrestrials arrive in the 1980s. They stock up on slap bracelets and Judy Blume books and leave.

THE BOAT THAT ROCKED – Now pushed back to August 28th. I think Hollywood is making a big mistake. Audiences don’t want to see the Terminator or Wolverine. They want to see a pirate radio station off the coast of England in the 60s. Sure to be the hit of the last day of summer.

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA – Movie based on Barbie for boys. Look for sequels: MALIBU G.I. JOE, and SKIPPER G.I. JOE.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS – Quentin Tarentino’s World War II epic about an elite Jewish fighting squad sent behind Nazi enemy lines. Imagine the “Dirty Dozen” as the “Mother F’ing Minyan”.

THE GOODS; LIVE HARD, SELL HARD – Jeremy Piven, in a real departure for him, plays a sleazy used car salesman. It’ll be interesting to see if audiences accept him in such an unfamiliar role.

WORLD’S GREATEST DAD – Robin Williams, directed by Bobcat Goldthwait. I can’t imagine Bobcat ever giving the note, “Do a little less here.”

H2 – a.k.a. HALLOWEEN 2. This time the slasher hands out Hola Pops with high levels of lead.

AMERICAN IDOL -- ROCK WEEK

AMERICAN IDOL is the one competition where the closer you get to the end the less suspenseful it is. When there’s twelve it’s fun. You still have the psychos, the fake Rolex Arethas, tattooed beauty queens, nerds from other lands, sad sacks, and teenage Joe Cockers vying for your affection.

But once you get to the final four, they’re all excellent singers, they’re all going to get recording contracts and careers and the worst that can happen is one’ll end up on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

So with no real drama and no one to make ass-fun of, it makes it hard for snarky bloggers to find something to write about. Fortunately, the caring producers have come to our rescue with a goofy format change worthy of our scorn and lampooning.

Instead of each contestant singing two numbers they had them sing one and then pair off and do duets. Huh? Was this a pilot for a spinoff? Who will be the next AMERICAN PEACHES & HERB? So instead of hearing eight songs we only got six and yet the hour was still filled with so much useless balloon juice (do we really care that Allison went to Adam’s hair stylist?) that it went past its hour deadline anyway.

And the height of absurdity was that the judges actually critiqued the duets. They had no bearing on the competition. Why not just critique the Ford videos too?

Apparently there had been real excitement earlier in the day when one of the giant Idol orbs that flank the set became unhinged and almost crashed to the stage. Hey, where was Kara to review the clean-up effort? “I wanted to see more artistry in that sweeping.” Kara, by the way, with her hair severely piled on her head looked like Misty of Chincoteague.

Anyway, on with what little show there was.

Having survived Rat Pack week (I’m still sorry Adam didn’t sing a Joey Bishop hit), the theme last night was “Rock n’ Roll”. The minute Ryan flitted down the stairs in a tailored grey suit you knew we were in for some righteous HEAD BANGING TONIGHT!! The guest mentor was Slash. No, he didn’t provide any real vocal coaching but who knew? He was lucid!

Adam Lambert kicked off the night with “Whole Lotta Love”. He killed. As always. I appreciate that he stuck to the original Led Zepplin version and for the sake of originality didn’t turn it into a Hawaiian song. Although, he’s so good I'm sure he could’ve pulled it off.

Allison Iraheta was Janis-lite screaming “Cry Baby”. If she really wanted to blow away the audience she might’ve tried Janis Joplin's “Woman Left Lonely”. Just my opinion but it could have been one of those truly thrilling Idol moments. Instead it was a first act number in the Vegas “Rock n’ Roll Heaven” revue.

Kris Allen sang the Beatles’ “Come Together”. I rather enjoyed watching this sweet kid with the angelic face singing lyrics like “He got joo-joo eyeballs”, “He got toe jam football”, “He got walrus gumboot”, “He one spinal cracker”, and the hauntingly beautiful: “Hold you in his armchair/You can feel his disease”.

Danny Gokey did Aerosmith’s rock chestnut “Dream On”, hitting the famous last note and sounding like a cat who got its tail stuck in a mop squeezer.

The duets don’t count so why bother? Adam is going to win so why bother?

But what I want to see are performances. Not profiles. Not chit-chats with Ryan. Not parades in Hootervile or Pixley or wherever the contestants are from. I want to see them sing. I want to hear them be great. The set started collapsing last night under its own weight. Let that be a metaphor.

Summer Movies Preview: Part two

At least no LOVE GURU sequel this summer.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 – Remake of one of my favorite movies. A New York subway car is hijacked. This time to Cuba. Stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta.

THE PROPOSAL – Sandra Bullock’s heralded return to romantic comedies. She’s quoted as saying “I wasn’t doing romantic comedies because I’ve been so disappointed with the types of films that fall into that label.” Translation: The parts have gone to younger actresses.

THE HANGOVER – A Vegas bachelor party goes bad. Don’t they all?

MY LIFE IN RUINS – heralds the return of Nia Vardalos, the MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING star who burned more bridges than Rommel. I bet not once did you ever say “Hey, what happened to Nia Vardalos?” Well, neither did Hollywood. So it’s sort of an appropriate title.

AWAY WE GO – Maya Rudolph is pregnant and John Krasinski is her boyfriend. They travel cross-country to find a place to settle down. Directed by Sam Mendes so wherever they decide it will be well lit.

WHATEVER WORKS – Woody Allen’s 285th movie, the 247th with the same theme – older neurotic Jew in a relationship with hot young girl who could be his granddaughter. Larry David as Woody Allen. Reviews are mixed. Middle-aged Jews love it, young girls are appalled.

CHERI – Michelle Pfeiffer embarks on an affair with a 19 year old boy. Might be like watching the negative of WHATEVER WORKS.

DOWNLOADING NANCY – Maria Bello and Jason Patric in an S&M love affair. Yeah, it may be sick but at least they’re about the same age.

YEAR ONE – Jack Black and his usual wide comic range.

THE HURT LOCKER – Iraq war drama. Looking to be the first Iraq war drama that grosses more than $5.

IMAGINE THAT – Eddie Murphy gets stock tips from his daughter’s imaginary friends. Are they willing to talk to Geithner?

MOON – Sam Rockwell and a robot (voiced by Kevin Spacey) are alone on the moon. They fall in love when there’s a full earth.

DEAD SNOW – A Norwegian Nazi zombie horror comedy, just like the one every USC and NYU film student is writing.

PUBLIC ENEMIES – Johnny Depp as gangster John Dillinger. Directed by Michael Mann so you know it’s going to be well done, exciting, visually arresting, and 45 minutes too long.

HARRY POTTER AND THE MOVIE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELEASED AT CHRISTMAS BUT WAS HELD UNTIL THE SUMMER WHICH IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER – Based on the hilarious novel by Simpson’s writer Larry Doyle. Directed by Chris Columbus. Please follow the book Chris and not make it “your own”.

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE – at least the boys in the slasher club.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS – Aliens from outer space disrupt a family vacation in Maine. Thus upping the nation’s alien pandemic scale to 4.

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS – Those who are bothered by the fact that the ice age took place millions of years after dinosaurs were extinct should be reminded this is a friggin’ cartoon!

Late tomorrow my AMERICAN IDOL recap and then I wrap up the movies preview on Thursday.

Summer Movies Preview: Part one

It's time for my annual Summer movies preview!!!! I'm noticing a trend towards youth oriented lightweight fare this year. Maybe it's just me. You decide.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE – How Hugh Jackman got his steel fangs. Great action sequence where he tries to put in a contact lens.

TERMINATOR 4: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT LINE – This time they try to kill the Terminator by organizing an impeachment campaign. Stars Christian Bale when he’s not being distracted by inconsiderate incompetent crew people.

DRAG ME TO HELL – Alison Lohman as a callous bank executive who is tortured by a brutal demon. To me this is the feel-good movie of the summer.

UP – A cranky old man (Ed Asner) rigs balloons to his house and flies to South America. And gets there faster than if he flew Delta. It’s a Pixar pic so it’s one of my picks.

ANGELS & DEMONS – Tom Hanks. Prequel to DA VINCI CODE. This time he uncovers Jesus’ early text messages.

STAR TREK – How it all began, before Captain Kirk gained a hundred pounds and became a shill for Priceline.com. Leonard Nimoy stars but not William Shatner. There wasn’t enough velour to make his uniform.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN – Ben Stiller with Amy Adams as Amelia Earhart. I wish Amelia had lived and this franchise disappeared.

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST – A new spin on the single most tired premise in RomCom history -- hire a leading man who is an enemy of comedy. Stars Matthew McConaughey and the lovely but not-exactly-hilarious Jennifer Garner.

THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE – Steven Soderbergh’s look at escort services. Neat way of writing off his “research”.

NOT FORGOTTEN – Simon Baker channels spirits. So it’s a real departure from his role on THE MENTALIST?

THE LIMITS OF CONTROL – A Jim Jarmusch film about a character described as half human/half coyote. Sounds a little mainstream for Jarmusch.

DANCE FLICK – A send-up of dance movies not by the Wayan brothers but by the Wayan brothers’ kids. That could be like going to Frank Sinatra Jr. concert.

MANAGEMENT – Touted as a “mature” romantic comedy. I’m sure ancient star Jennifer Aniston must be thrilled with that description.

EASY VIRTUE – Jessica Biel in an English costume drama based on a Noel Coward play. I like Noel Coward. I don’t like Jessica Biel in costumes.

NEXT DAY AIR – There’s no richer vein for comedy than interstate shipping.

JULIA – Tilda Swinton as a desperate alcoholic. She already won an Oscar so I’m not sure why she took this role.

SUMMER HOURS – Juliette Binoche dealing with her mother’s death. Why should Tilda Swinton win two Oscars when she could?

PONTYPOOL – A radio disc jockey battles a deadly plague. Might be the story of disco or Clear Channel.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – Because not enough toys were sold at Burger King with the first one.

LAND OF THE LOST – the 70’s TV show comes to life with Will Ferrell and Dino from the FLINTSTONES.

SOUL POWER – Footage from a 1974 James Brown/B.B. King concert. See it now before all the PBS pledge breaks.

DEATH IN LOVE – Drama about a Jewish woman who falls in love in a concentration camp. I so hope this wasn’t greenlit because THE READER made money.


Part two tomorrow.

Starting a pilot

For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster (pictured) played Beverly. Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.

ESTABLISHING

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING

WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING

THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.

BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.

BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.

KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.

SHE DOES.

BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.

KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.

BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.

KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.

BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.

KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.

ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.

ISABEL
Morning.

KARL
Good morning, Isabel.

BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?

ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.

BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.

ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.

KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.

GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.

GORE
Here. Read and please respond.

BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?

GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.

ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.

ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.

HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:

GORE
Unacceptable.

KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!

BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.

KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.

ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.

GORE
What a kiss-ass.

BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.

GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.

KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.

CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?

KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?

CLAY
It’s me. Clay!

KARL
Clay?

CLAY
Your son.

KARL
My son?

CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?

Now HERE'S a great local commercial

If I'm buying furniture in North Carolina, this is my place. I'll feel good about the prices and even better about myself as a human being.