AMERICAN IDOL -- Adam and the two other guys

Some idle idol questions:

How do they schedule only six songs in 64 minutes and still go over? Especially when, in years past, they’d do nine songs and finish on time.

Was Simon and Ryan in the tanning booth too long? Their skin was the same shade as Bob Evans’ – a orange heretofore never seen in nature.

And were they in the same tanning booth?

What was Carrie Underwood doing on SURVIVOR?

Why is Kara even there?

Who were some of those people they showed in the audience? They’re now even less familiar than stars of Fox comedies.

Where’s the suspense? Adam, Kris, and Danny are like a presidential election between Barack Obama, Ralph Nader, and Lyndon LaRouche.

Now to the performances. The judges chose one song and the contestants got to choose the other.

Danny Gokey, as per Paula’s suggestion, did some forgettable song about a dancing relative, originally sung by Trent D’Arby, an artist whose name was so forgettable he forgot it himself and now is known as Sananda Maitreya. Simon criticized the song choice (I love that) and the hens were split on Danny’s dancing. I thought he did fine and could become the most nonthreatening performer to have a hit on the rock charts since the Singing Nun.

His other song was Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”. I know I’m going to take heat for this but I was disappointed. Joe Cocker had heart, Joe Cocker had raw emotion, Joe Cocker had seizures. I felt none of that from Danny. Just vocal gymnastics. Rarely will a guy plead his love to a girl by blasting a note to her from across the Acropolis.

Kris Allen did “Apologize” as per Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber’s suggestion. Maybe the best moment of the year was when Simon called out Kara for picking this nothing song and then criticizing Kris’ performance of it. Kara is that obnoxious cousin every family has that you hate yourself for thinking this but you wish she had married Ike Turner.

Kris’ next number, Kanye West’s “Heartless” was better. The judges thought his acoustic arrangement was daring and risky. Sorry but that’s pushing it a little. Daring and risky is tackling an acoustic arrangement when you don’t know how to play guitar.

Of course Simon had the best song selection – “One” by U2 for Adam Lambert. And of course Adam (who went back to the Joey Heatherton look) gave the performance of the night. Although, is it just me or is his high-pitched screech getting just a tad annoying? Please don’t burn a big A on my lawn. I’m just askin’.

For his own number Adam did Aerosmith’s “Cryin’”. At this point he could have done the “Unicorn Song” and still received the same four blowjobs from the judges. He’s a lock to win AMERICAN IDOL and either become the next Elvis Presley or Bette Midler.

And for Kris and Danny, hey, losing isn’t so bad. At least you don’t have to go to Africa.

Tomorrow: Montgomery Burns explains the whole Hulu/cable company controversy to you.

Comedy writers can be bad ass

In the summer of 1990 I was broadcasting for the Tidewater Tides, the AAA affiliate of the New York Mets. It was a Sunday afternoon game and I had to read a commercial for the Day’s Inn at Military Circle – “Home to the visiting teams of the International League”. I noted that our dreaded rivals, the Columbus Clippers (Yankees ) were coming to town next and said, “Why don’t you call them all at 5 a.m. and welcome them to Tidewater.” Now you have to bear in mind that no one listened to minor league radio broadcasts other than players’ wives.

Or so I thought.

The next afternoon I arrived at the park only to learn that the Clippers had been besieged with pre dawn wake up calls. Needless to say they were pissed.

I guiltily went down to their clubhouse and apologized to their manager, Rick Down. He was very gracious, said he had heard it on the air and thought it was pretty funny. He also felt this would stir up the team, I might have done him a favor. (It did. They won that night. So now I had pissed off both teams.) But Rick was very forgiving.

The Clippers’ trainer however, was not. He went ballistic when he saw me, calling me words that were too harsh even for DEADWOOD. And he vowed to get back at me when we were in Columbus the following weekend.

I calmly asked if he ever watched CHEERS. He said, “Yeah, why?” wondering why that was relevant to anything. I then asked if he ever caught some of the bar wars episodes between Cheers and Gary’s Old Towne tavern? Again, he said, “Yeah. So what?” “Well, I wrote those shows, motherfucker, “ I said, “Do you really want to get into a practical joke war with me?”

That was the last I heard of the trainer.

The moral is clear.

Do NOT fuck with comedy writers! EVER!

We may appear harmless but we can fill your office with sheep just for looking at us funny.

Is it okay to boo at operas?

A time honored tradition at any sporting event is booing. In Philadelphia fans been even known to boo the opposition and not just their own players. New York fans tend to confine their booing to the visiting team but should an opposing outfielder crash into a fence they’ll ease up on the jeering by spitting on the fallen athlete.

But it’s expected. It’s a ballgame. And they serve beer.

Lately, however, the practice has expanded. People are now booing at operas.

Some fat woman in a Viking helmet can’t hit high E after C, theatergoers let her have it. Should a director take liberties with that classic Der Ring des Nibelungen he’ll hear about it in no uncertain terms.

This is not a trend I approve of. First of all, when I go to an opera I don’t want anything to wake me up. Secondly, what does this say about our society? Has our rage gotten so out of hand that we feel the need to blast bulbous singing clowns? Do they now sell Budweiser at Teatro Regio di Parma?

I’m not an opera buff. But it was nice to know there was some civility somewhere. I mean, it’s not like Barry Bonds is barnstorming Austria singing Pagliacci.

People are also booing in movie theaters and this really baffles me. I can see it during test screenings. The filmmakers are there seeking input. But when you boo Sylvester Stallone for being twenty years too old to star as an action hero at a Cineplex in Kansas on a Tuesday night, chances are good he’s not going to hear you. Actually, in that case no one will hear you because you’ll be alone in the theater.

Still the question remains, do you think it’s okay to boo at operas or plays or musicals besides CATS?

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

The funniest scene I ever directed

It's a show and tell answer to a bonus question.

Scott Siegel asked:

Recently I've been introducing my children to the great sitcoms of the past. And often I will just show them some classic scenes that work by themselves (such as Lucy at the Candy Shop, Rev. Jim getting his driver's license, Oscar and Felix on Password). Are there any scenes that you and David wrote that you are perfectly proud of in terms of its comedic timeliness?

This isn't a scene we wrote but it is a scene I directed and it makes me laugh every time I watch it. It's from a FRASIER episode called "Roz and the Schnoz", hilariously written by Jeff Richman. It was quite a director's challenge to maximize all the moments and reveals and I'm very proud of how it came out.

Roz is about to meet the parents of the father of her soon-to-be child. Enjoy.



What's your question???

The Albania song

Here's a tell-and-show Friday question.

cleek wonders:

Who wrote Coach's "Albania" song? Everything I know about the country comes from that song, so I'd like to thank whoever wrote it.

That was from the third season of CHEERS. My memory is a little hazy on that episode so I contacted two writers who were involved.

From Tom Reeder:

Hi, Ken -- As it turns out, I was the writer of that script. It was called "Teacher's Pet", and the storyline had to do with Sam going to night school to get the high school diploma he'd never achieved. Inspired by Sam, Coach also went back to finish up -- he was a couple of years short. Coach proved to be a more diligent student than Sam, because he developed his own unique mnemonic devices. One of them was a song (to the tune of "When The Saints Go Marching In") that contained facts about Albania for an upcoming Geography test: "You border on the Adriatic"... "your land is mostly mountainous"... "and your chief export is chrome".

In fairness, I think Sam Simon may have supplied some of the words for the song, and I may not have the lyrics exactly right, but I'm pretty certain "your chief export is chrome" was the last line. Nick Colasanto really sold it. It was pretty funny.

It's not unusual for the staff to tinker with scripts. Lord knows they improved all of mine. Sam Simon was a producer of CHEERS that year and talks about polishing the Albania bit.

It was room written by Glen and Les Charles, Heide Perlman, David Angel, Ken Estin and myself in about 90 seconds. I went to the Bornstein Memory School when I was a kid, and I suggested the song as a mnemonic device. This was before the internet, so we got out an almanac for the facts, which were true. I think the tune is “When the Saints Go Marching In”. I guess it shows how effective transposing song lyrics are as a mnemonic device, because, more than twenty years later, I know Albania borders on the Adriatic and their chief export is chrome. This may have been the last episode Nick filmed, I’m not sure. They aired out of order. He was extremely frail that night.

Thanks to Tom and Sam, and now, here is the actual scene. What's your question? If I don't know the answer I try to find the people who do.

My take on Manny Ramirez

It will sure be interesting hosting Dodger Talk on KABC tonight. Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and has been suspended for fifty games. Uh, there goes Mannywood. Big sale on those dreadlocks at the concession stands. And of course there are the thousand Manny billboards that are splayed over the southland.

This is a huge bombshell and a crushing blow to the Dodgers and their fans. Supposedly, he was suspended not for steroids but for some doctor prescribed amphetamine. I’d like to believe that’s true. I’d like to believe he didn’t cheat; he just showed incredibly poor judgment. And considering Manny's past history let's just say there has been precedent. Hey, will you people in Boston stop laughing so hard? It’s breaking my concentration.

There is another case of a player, J.C. Romero of the Philadelphia Phillies who was recently suspended fifty games for taking a supplement he purchased over the counter. He too thought it was safe. All he, or Manny, or any player who knows how to use the phone has to do is call the commissioner’s office for verification on any specific drug, supplement, or Tic Tac. If a doctor prescribes it that’s not enough. If you buy it at Whole Foods that’s not enough. If you call the players union and get their permission that’s not enough either. CHECK FIRST YOU IDIOTS!!!!

And again, I'm taking Manny's statement at face value. Who knows if more bombshells are coming? At this point I wouldn't be shocked if word leaks that Mother Teresa was also a gun runner.

Manny will return in early July and in all likelihood the Dodgers will prevail. This is a good team without him and I suspect the players will rise to the occasion. And it doesn’t hurt that they’re playing in a God awful division. But the betrayal to the fans is devastating. Yes, they may forgive him. They forgave Kobe. (Let’s see how New York fans welcome back A-Roid.) But it’ll never be the same. I feel sorry for all the kids who lost a hero today. I feel sorry for the McCourts who shelled out a lot of 2009-economy dollars in good faith to bring him to Los Angeles. In fact, I feel sorry for everybody... but Ramirez.

On a personal note, I like Manny. He’s a very engaging guy. A big kid. Fun to be around. I always thought he was a goofball, not taking them. And true, Manny's not the smartest ballplayer I’ve ever encountered but the person representing him – who is smart -- is supposed to look out for him. That would be Scott Boras… the same Scott Boras who also represents Alex Rodriguez. Nice job, Scott.

This is a sad day for the Dodgers and the game itself. As a lifelong fan, it breaks my heart. Is my love for baseball the only remaining pure thing about it?

Summer Movies Preview: Part three

Here's what's left to see or skip this summer.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER – non linear RomCom starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. Sounds promising but I hope they don’t show every day.

BRUNO – Sascha Baron Cohen as a gay Austrian fashion reporter. You’ll probably laugh your ass off even if you hate yourself for it.

THE UGLY TRUTH – RomCom starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. Whenever you see in the studio description “sparks fly” hold your breath. Whenever you see Katherine Heigl in a comedy hold your breath.

G-FORCE – Jerry Bruckheimer feels it’s finally time that he stretches as an artist. No more loud mindless explosionfests. So he produced this live-action/animated/3-D movie about secret agent guinea pigs.

FUNNY PEOPLE – Judd Apatow’s summer entry. Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen play men who never grew up. At least Bruckheimer added 3-D.

JULIE & JULIA – After directing BEWITCHED, MIXED NUTS, and MICHAEL, why is Hollywood letting Nora Ephron even get within ten feet of a iPhone that records video?

TAKING WOODSTOCK – You’ve heard the music. You’ve seen the crowds. But have you explored the homosexuality? Director Ang Lee thinks it’s about time you did. He should rename the film TAKING STOCK OF WOOD.

THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE – “Where were you last night and don’t tell me the Middle Ages, you bastard!”

DISTRICT 9 – Extraterrestrials arrive in the 1980s. They stock up on slap bracelets and Judy Blume books and leave.

THE BOAT THAT ROCKED – Now pushed back to August 28th. I think Hollywood is making a big mistake. Audiences don’t want to see the Terminator or Wolverine. They want to see a pirate radio station off the coast of England in the 60s. Sure to be the hit of the last day of summer.

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA – Movie based on Barbie for boys. Look for sequels: MALIBU G.I. JOE, and SKIPPER G.I. JOE.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS – Quentin Tarentino’s World War II epic about an elite Jewish fighting squad sent behind Nazi enemy lines. Imagine the “Dirty Dozen” as the “Mother F’ing Minyan”.

THE GOODS; LIVE HARD, SELL HARD – Jeremy Piven, in a real departure for him, plays a sleazy used car salesman. It’ll be interesting to see if audiences accept him in such an unfamiliar role.

WORLD’S GREATEST DAD – Robin Williams, directed by Bobcat Goldthwait. I can’t imagine Bobcat ever giving the note, “Do a little less here.”

H2 – a.k.a. HALLOWEEN 2. This time the slasher hands out Hola Pops with high levels of lead.

AMERICAN IDOL -- ROCK WEEK

AMERICAN IDOL is the one competition where the closer you get to the end the less suspenseful it is. When there’s twelve it’s fun. You still have the psychos, the fake Rolex Arethas, tattooed beauty queens, nerds from other lands, sad sacks, and teenage Joe Cockers vying for your affection.

But once you get to the final four, they’re all excellent singers, they’re all going to get recording contracts and careers and the worst that can happen is one’ll end up on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

So with no real drama and no one to make ass-fun of, it makes it hard for snarky bloggers to find something to write about. Fortunately, the caring producers have come to our rescue with a goofy format change worthy of our scorn and lampooning.

Instead of each contestant singing two numbers they had them sing one and then pair off and do duets. Huh? Was this a pilot for a spinoff? Who will be the next AMERICAN PEACHES & HERB? So instead of hearing eight songs we only got six and yet the hour was still filled with so much useless balloon juice (do we really care that Allison went to Adam’s hair stylist?) that it went past its hour deadline anyway.

And the height of absurdity was that the judges actually critiqued the duets. They had no bearing on the competition. Why not just critique the Ford videos too?

Apparently there had been real excitement earlier in the day when one of the giant Idol orbs that flank the set became unhinged and almost crashed to the stage. Hey, where was Kara to review the clean-up effort? “I wanted to see more artistry in that sweeping.” Kara, by the way, with her hair severely piled on her head looked like Misty of Chincoteague.

Anyway, on with what little show there was.

Having survived Rat Pack week (I’m still sorry Adam didn’t sing a Joey Bishop hit), the theme last night was “Rock n’ Roll”. The minute Ryan flitted down the stairs in a tailored grey suit you knew we were in for some righteous HEAD BANGING TONIGHT!! The guest mentor was Slash. No, he didn’t provide any real vocal coaching but who knew? He was lucid!

Adam Lambert kicked off the night with “Whole Lotta Love”. He killed. As always. I appreciate that he stuck to the original Led Zepplin version and for the sake of originality didn’t turn it into a Hawaiian song. Although, he’s so good I'm sure he could’ve pulled it off.

Allison Iraheta was Janis-lite screaming “Cry Baby”. If she really wanted to blow away the audience she might’ve tried Janis Joplin's “Woman Left Lonely”. Just my opinion but it could have been one of those truly thrilling Idol moments. Instead it was a first act number in the Vegas “Rock n’ Roll Heaven” revue.

Kris Allen sang the Beatles’ “Come Together”. I rather enjoyed watching this sweet kid with the angelic face singing lyrics like “He got joo-joo eyeballs”, “He got toe jam football”, “He got walrus gumboot”, “He one spinal cracker”, and the hauntingly beautiful: “Hold you in his armchair/You can feel his disease”.

Danny Gokey did Aerosmith’s rock chestnut “Dream On”, hitting the famous last note and sounding like a cat who got its tail stuck in a mop squeezer.

The duets don’t count so why bother? Adam is going to win so why bother?

But what I want to see are performances. Not profiles. Not chit-chats with Ryan. Not parades in Hootervile or Pixley or wherever the contestants are from. I want to see them sing. I want to hear them be great. The set started collapsing last night under its own weight. Let that be a metaphor.

Summer Movies Preview: Part two

At least no LOVE GURU sequel this summer.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 – Remake of one of my favorite movies. A New York subway car is hijacked. This time to Cuba. Stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta.

THE PROPOSAL – Sandra Bullock’s heralded return to romantic comedies. She’s quoted as saying “I wasn’t doing romantic comedies because I’ve been so disappointed with the types of films that fall into that label.” Translation: The parts have gone to younger actresses.

THE HANGOVER – A Vegas bachelor party goes bad. Don’t they all?

MY LIFE IN RUINS – heralds the return of Nia Vardalos, the MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING star who burned more bridges than Rommel. I bet not once did you ever say “Hey, what happened to Nia Vardalos?” Well, neither did Hollywood. So it’s sort of an appropriate title.

AWAY WE GO – Maya Rudolph is pregnant and John Krasinski is her boyfriend. They travel cross-country to find a place to settle down. Directed by Sam Mendes so wherever they decide it will be well lit.

WHATEVER WORKS – Woody Allen’s 285th movie, the 247th with the same theme – older neurotic Jew in a relationship with hot young girl who could be his granddaughter. Larry David as Woody Allen. Reviews are mixed. Middle-aged Jews love it, young girls are appalled.

CHERI – Michelle Pfeiffer embarks on an affair with a 19 year old boy. Might be like watching the negative of WHATEVER WORKS.

DOWNLOADING NANCY – Maria Bello and Jason Patric in an S&M love affair. Yeah, it may be sick but at least they’re about the same age.

YEAR ONE – Jack Black and his usual wide comic range.

THE HURT LOCKER – Iraq war drama. Looking to be the first Iraq war drama that grosses more than $5.

IMAGINE THAT – Eddie Murphy gets stock tips from his daughter’s imaginary friends. Are they willing to talk to Geithner?

MOON – Sam Rockwell and a robot (voiced by Kevin Spacey) are alone on the moon. They fall in love when there’s a full earth.

DEAD SNOW – A Norwegian Nazi zombie horror comedy, just like the one every USC and NYU film student is writing.

PUBLIC ENEMIES – Johnny Depp as gangster John Dillinger. Directed by Michael Mann so you know it’s going to be well done, exciting, visually arresting, and 45 minutes too long.

HARRY POTTER AND THE MOVIE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELEASED AT CHRISTMAS BUT WAS HELD UNTIL THE SUMMER WHICH IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER – Based on the hilarious novel by Simpson’s writer Larry Doyle. Directed by Chris Columbus. Please follow the book Chris and not make it “your own”.

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE – at least the boys in the slasher club.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS – Aliens from outer space disrupt a family vacation in Maine. Thus upping the nation’s alien pandemic scale to 4.

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS – Those who are bothered by the fact that the ice age took place millions of years after dinosaurs were extinct should be reminded this is a friggin’ cartoon!

Late tomorrow my AMERICAN IDOL recap and then I wrap up the movies preview on Thursday.

Summer Movies Preview: Part one

It's time for my annual Summer movies preview!!!! I'm noticing a trend towards youth oriented lightweight fare this year. Maybe it's just me. You decide.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE – How Hugh Jackman got his steel fangs. Great action sequence where he tries to put in a contact lens.

TERMINATOR 4: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT LINE – This time they try to kill the Terminator by organizing an impeachment campaign. Stars Christian Bale when he’s not being distracted by inconsiderate incompetent crew people.

DRAG ME TO HELL – Alison Lohman as a callous bank executive who is tortured by a brutal demon. To me this is the feel-good movie of the summer.

UP – A cranky old man (Ed Asner) rigs balloons to his house and flies to South America. And gets there faster than if he flew Delta. It’s a Pixar pic so it’s one of my picks.

ANGELS & DEMONS – Tom Hanks. Prequel to DA VINCI CODE. This time he uncovers Jesus’ early text messages.

STAR TREK – How it all began, before Captain Kirk gained a hundred pounds and became a shill for Priceline.com. Leonard Nimoy stars but not William Shatner. There wasn’t enough velour to make his uniform.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN – Ben Stiller with Amy Adams as Amelia Earhart. I wish Amelia had lived and this franchise disappeared.

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST – A new spin on the single most tired premise in RomCom history -- hire a leading man who is an enemy of comedy. Stars Matthew McConaughey and the lovely but not-exactly-hilarious Jennifer Garner.

THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE – Steven Soderbergh’s look at escort services. Neat way of writing off his “research”.

NOT FORGOTTEN – Simon Baker channels spirits. So it’s a real departure from his role on THE MENTALIST?

THE LIMITS OF CONTROL – A Jim Jarmusch film about a character described as half human/half coyote. Sounds a little mainstream for Jarmusch.

DANCE FLICK – A send-up of dance movies not by the Wayan brothers but by the Wayan brothers’ kids. That could be like going to Frank Sinatra Jr. concert.

MANAGEMENT – Touted as a “mature” romantic comedy. I’m sure ancient star Jennifer Aniston must be thrilled with that description.

EASY VIRTUE – Jessica Biel in an English costume drama based on a Noel Coward play. I like Noel Coward. I don’t like Jessica Biel in costumes.

NEXT DAY AIR – There’s no richer vein for comedy than interstate shipping.

JULIA – Tilda Swinton as a desperate alcoholic. She already won an Oscar so I’m not sure why she took this role.

SUMMER HOURS – Juliette Binoche dealing with her mother’s death. Why should Tilda Swinton win two Oscars when she could?

PONTYPOOL – A radio disc jockey battles a deadly plague. Might be the story of disco or Clear Channel.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – Because not enough toys were sold at Burger King with the first one.

LAND OF THE LOST – the 70’s TV show comes to life with Will Ferrell and Dino from the FLINTSTONES.

SOUL POWER – Footage from a 1974 James Brown/B.B. King concert. See it now before all the PBS pledge breaks.

DEATH IN LOVE – Drama about a Jewish woman who falls in love in a concentration camp. I so hope this wasn’t greenlit because THE READER made money.


Part two tomorrow.

Starting a pilot

For years the popular thinking was comedy spec scripts had to be from existing shows. Now producers and agents are asking for spec pilots. Pilots present their own set of problems and traps. Setting up the characters, situation, exposition, story, tone, and comedy in the first few pages is the most daunting task. I’ve had many requests for a sample of a pilot first scene. So here’s one David Isaacs and I wrote and produced for Fox a couple of years ago called SNOBS. Paget Brewster (pictured) played Beverly. Hope this helps, or at least you find amusing.

ESTABLISHING

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA – EARLY MORNING

WORKING-CLASS SUBURB OF SAN FRANCISCO. TRACKING SHOT REVEALING MODEST, TRACT HOMES. FINALLY, WE REACH A HOME LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ONLY DIFFERENT. MORE ORNATE, MORE MANICURED. THIS IS THE MALLARD HOME.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – EARLING MORNING

THE TYPICAL MALLARD BREAKFAST: FINE CHINA SERVICE FILLED WITH BREAKFAST CONDIMENTS (GOOSEBERRY JAM, APPLE BUTTER), LITTLE SERVING SPOONS, PASTRIES, FRESH ORANGE JUICE AND COFFEE. KARL MALLARD, DRESSED FOR WORK, ENJOYS COFFEE AND A SCONE AS HE READS HIS NEW YORK TIMES.

BEVERLY MALLARD ENTERS DRESSED SMARTLY IN A DONNA KARAN SUIT.

BEVERLY
Karl, I don’t have time for a formal breakfast this morning.

KARL
Well, you’re certainly not going to eat a protein bar like some animal. Please, Beverly, sit.

SHE DOES.

BEVERLY
Oh, I suppose I could have a macchiato and a pain au chocolat.

KARL
That’s my girl. We have to keep it civilized in here. Because there’s nothing we can do about (WITH DISDAIN) out there.

BEVERLY
Have faith, honey. Someday we’ll have a home that will live up to our furniture.

KARL
That someday is here, Bev. If tonight’s party goes well, I’m done teaching community college and we’re on our way to… (WITH REVERENCE) Stanford.

BEVERLY
A home in Palo Alto.

KARL
Just think of it. A neighborhood where people park their cars in the garage instead of on the front lawn.

ISABEL MALLARD, 15, ENTERS, CARRYING HER VIOLIN CASE AND HER CAT, HEIFETZ.

ISABEL
Morning.

KARL
Good morning, Isabel.

BEVERLY
What time did you go to bed last night?

ISABEL
I didn’t. (BEAT) You’ll be so proud of me, Daddy. I was practicing my Mendelssohn for your guests this evening.

BEVERLY
But all night? Honey, the therapist said not to put that much pressure on yourself.

ISABEL
But Daddy said it was the most important night of our lives. He told me if I don’t perform this piece perfectly he won’t get the job at Stanford and we’ll be doomed to short brutish lives in this blue collar hell.

KARL
Isabel, that was a “daddy/daughter private talk”.

GORE MALLARD ENTERS. HE’S 12, AND LIKE MOST BOYS HIS AGE, DRESSED IN A TOM WOLFE STYLE VANILLA-COLORED SUIT. AD LIB “GOOD MORNINGS” FROM BEVERLY AND KARL. GORE HANDS THEM EACH A THICK REPORT.

GORE
Here. Read and please respond.

BEVERLY
What is it, Gore?

GORE
35 reasons why Isabel’s cat should be put to death.

ISABEL TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF HER NOTEBOOK AND HANDS IT TO GORE.

ISABEL
I anticipated this. My rebuttal.

HE QUICKLY SCANS IT, THEN:

GORE
Unacceptable.

KARL
Children, I won’t have you fighting like this!

BEVERLY
Yes, and I don’t want to see any of this tonight in front of Dr. and Mrs. Shapiro.

KARL
That man holds the future of this entire family in his hands.

ISABEL
I’ll be ready, Daddy.

GORE
What a kiss-ass.

BEVERLY
And Gore, as for you tonight, let’s go over this one more time. People are entitled to their opinions.

GORE
Oh, really? What if our (MAKES AIR QUOTES) “guests” like the Baroque period, or Creationism or “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

KARL
We will respect what they say… and make fun of them afterwards.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. KARL CROSSES TO ANSWER IT.

KARL
I’ve gone to great lengths for tonight: the right wine, the right flowers, the right music. Everything will be perfect.

KARL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING A YOUNG MAN, CLAY, 17. HE’S SCRUFFY, A SLACKER.

CLAY
Are you Karl Mallard?

KARL
Yes. What can I do for you?

CLAY
It’s me. Clay!

KARL
Clay?

CLAY
Your son.

KARL
My son?

CLAY
New Orleans? (BEAT) 1986? (BEAT) How many illegitimate kids do you have?

Now HERE'S a great local commercial

If I'm buying furniture in North Carolina, this is my place. I'll feel good about the prices and even better about myself as a human being.

Wade Boggs and Baaaaa-d behavior

Happy May Day. Here’s are a couple of Friday questions that loosely relate to Sam “May Day” Malone.

From blog regular A. Buck Short:

In one of those wonderful Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern episodes you and David wrote, did somebody actually have to calculate how many sheep were needed to fill the Cheers backroom office? Or did you know you could get away with whatever would be sufficient for the camera angle?

As we were writing the first “Bar Wars” episode we just thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to see Rebecca enter her office and it was filled with sheep?” So we put it in. And voila, on filming day there they all were.

But yes, someone had to determine just how many sheep would be used. Before every episode there is a production meeting. Led by the First Assistant Director, all the department heads, show runners, producers, and the director sit around a table and go through the script carefully. There are a thousand questions to be answered with every show. Does the episode take place in the winter? Wardrobe needs to know. Should the actor have a coat or sweater? When an actor comes home with groceries, how many groceries? And what specifically are they? How many extras will be used in a scene? Will the phone ring live on stage or laid over in post production? So I’m sure in the “Bar Wars” production meeting there were discussions of how many sheep would be used, how would they be transported, how many shepherds would be required, and were any of the sheep minors that would require classroom time with the studio tutor?

Meanwhile it took us half a minute to dream up the bit and put it in the script.

And was Wade Boggs flown out specially to be in that, or was the taping scheduled for a time he had to be out there anyway to play Anaheim or somebody?

This was the last episode to be filmed that season. It was mid March. We were looking for a local very recognizable Boston sports figure for the bit. Unfortunately, the Red Sox were already in spring training in Winter Haven, Florida. Wade Boggs was our first choice and we asked our casting director to check and see if there was any possible way he might agree to do it. We figured it was a real Hail Mary, but what the hell? A half hour later we got the good news that Boggs was in. The Red Sox manager gave him a few days off. All we had to do was provide airfare and accommodations (in addition to his fee). David and I felt incredibly powerful. We just say “Wade Boggs” and poof, we make him appear!

It was only a couple of years later when his mistress Margot Adams wrote a big expose in PLAYBOY magazine detailing their affair. In her article she mentions how thrilled they were when this CHEERS gig came up because it meant a free trip to a three day tryst. He’d have guested on AGRICULTURE THIS WEEK if they popped for a first class plane ticket.

In the article, Margot also maintains that Boggs asked her for a pair of panties because he had promised the guys on the team that he could come back with Kirstie Alley’s panties. I was on the stage when Kirstie read this. Her expression was priceless. Kirstie was very cool about stuff like that. From then on I would occasionally say to her, “Listen, Kirstie, I’m going to my high school reunion and at graduation I promised the guys that I would bring a pair of your panties to the reunion so if you wouldn’t mind…?” She always laughed and told me to go fuck myself.

What’s your question? Just leave it in the comments section. Thanks. And again, may this be your best May Day EVER.

Netflix pick of the month: ANNIE HALL

Usually my movie picks are little gems that are somewhat forgotten. So you may be saying, why select ANNIE HALL? It won the Oscar in 1977 for Best Picture of the Year. My answer: Have YOU seen ANNIE HALL? And if you have, was it within the last ten years?

I’m amazed by how many young people have not seen this comic treasure. Knowing Woody Allen for the movies he’s made in this decade is like knowing Dick Clark for his recent appearances on NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE.

You forget that Woody Allen was….

… once considered hip.

… once screamingly funny.

… once wholly original (all the conventions he’s used over and over for the last 32 years were actually new then).

… once secure enough to collaborate with other great writers like Marshall Brickman.

… once young enough to not be confused with the father of all of his love interests.

Rarely does a romantic comedy really suck you in. Yes, you’re laughing (a lot) but more than that, you find yourself genuinely caring about this couple. When can you say that about a Kate Hudson starrer?

For me the mark of a good romcom is “would I like to fall in love with that girl?” (That’s different from “would I like to sleep with that girl?” Those movies I call “Cinemax After Dark”.) ANNIE HALL completely passed that test for me… and I don’t even think Diane Keaton is that hot. But I got swept up in this romance. I wish it were me in those little cafes and jazz clubs. (I do stop short at taking my love to see SORROW & THE PITY, I would like to get laid occasionally.)

Some of the movie may seem a little dated today. It’s hard to imagine a relationship where two people can’t text each other. And there are no pratfalls. But the emotions remain real and deep and ring as true today as they did back then when “Boogie” was an actual word.

This is not to say movies were better “back in the day”. Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd can do no wrong (for the moment). Still, it’s worth checking out or revisiting ANNIE HALL. If for no other reason than to see Christopher Walken as Duane. You knew then he had the makings of a star or serial killer.

A guide to FACEBOOK etiquette

Oh, if only I had watched this helpful video first. I have so much apologizing to do to my friends on FACEBOOK.

C U at the C-BAG

Continuing yesterday’s post, since a lot of multi-camera shows all shot on Tuesday – both at Paramount and other studios like Gower-Sunset, Raleigh, and Ren-Mar – the writing staffs and casts from these shows began stopping off at the Columbia Bar & Grill for an after-filming drink. The C-BAG (as it was known) is now Pinoit on the corner of Gower and Sunset.

But there was a golden period in the late 80s through late 90s where this was the Algonquin Table west. It was not unusual to be sitting with the show runner of FRASIER, creator of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, Ted Danson, Nathan Lane, the President of CBS, two producers from FRIENDS, director James Burrows, and Jennifer Aniston.

I’ve always believed that the best shows were the ones where the writers and actors worked together, not at odds. Being able to socialize with them once a week established a real trust. And their stories were always GREAT. Actor stories tend to be more colorful than writers’. Ours are usually horror stories, getting fucked over by networks or studios or spouses or doctors or American Express. Theirs are about hilarious anecdotes in the theater, filming mishaps, and who slept with who on what set. We would always try to steer the conversations in that direction.

The C-BAG was the place to go for juicy TV gossip and dish. If there was trouble on any set in town we learned about it. Anyone institutionalized, we knew it (usually because someone would ask, “Hey, where’s so-and-so tonight?”)

Interestingly, rarely were agents there. They were welcome. Anyone was welcome but Brett Butler. Agents were always present at the filmings. Why, I don’t know. They didn’t know either. There was nothing for them to do. They’d sit, bored to tears, and watch the monitors. I always found it ironic then when you needed agents you could never get them on the phone. And when you didn’t, there they all were at the ready in full-force. The only time I ever asked my agent for something he didn’t come through. Despite repeated pleas on my part he would not kill the network vice-president and his entire staff. So truly, what’s the point of even being there? But I’m guessing when the director yelled “That’s a wrap!” they bolted so fast they never knew everyone was invited to a post filming celebration.

Why did it end? The shows ended. And a new regime at Paramount placed far less value on writer/producers. The entire stable was either let go or encouraged to move on. But Tuesday nights for about a decade were magic. For any current showrunners, assuming there are enough actual shows in production, find a C-BAG of your own. And let me know if you need a designated driver.

The Paramount lot

My nostalgic look back at the 20th Century Fox lot prompted a number of requests for other remembrances of studios past. For twenty years I was ensconced at Paramount. My fondest memories are of Paramount but more for the people and creative atmosphere than the historic landmarks. Although some of those indeed exist.

The motel-looking building that served as William Holden’s office in SUNSET BLVD. remains intact. And the huge mural of the sky is still there. It’s always sunny with a few wispy clouds at Paramount.

And there is the “tank”. This is a recessed parking lot that can be filled with water for shooting or flooding car purposes. The blockbuster TORA TORA TORA shot most of its exteriors there. All of the warships were toy models. How did we live before Industrial Light & Magic?

One night after a late rewrite I saw massive lights and activity going on at the tank. Remember the climax of PATRIOT GAMES? There was a big fight on a small yacht that was swirling around in a vicious storm? They were filming that. I sauntered over and watched. Everyone just assumed I was a member of the crew. How many tourists are on the Paramount lot at 2:30 in the morning with a dog-earred WINGS script? Harrison Ford is a nice guy, by the way.

The tank is used sparingly because it’s quite expensive to fill. We did employ it once for CHEERS. Sam and Diane are on a boat. I think it’s from the second season. For the rest of the run of the show whenever we were stuck for a scene I would suggest, “Fill the tank!”

STAR TREK filmed at Paramount. More than once I’d be standing in line at the ATM behind a Klingon.

There was never much of a backlot but their New York street is more like a New York neighborhood. Several streets of different vintage intersect. Westside meets eastside. I see that location in a gazillion films, commercials, and music videos. Half the AMERICAN IDOL Ford videos are shot there. When we were doing ALMOST PERFECT, our stage was adjacent to the New York street. One day I walked out of our stage and there was James Brown sitting on a bench eating a sandwich.

Celebrity sightings were frequent. Tom Cruise (before he became a nut bag) had an office right above the FRASIER writers room and was quite visible. Jesus, he’s short! I turned a corner one day and bumped into Sean Connery. Oh, and the twins from SISTER/SISTER were always around! Not to mention those two women who had an act called THE MOMMIES. If only I had my camera.

Unlike 20th, Paramount was not in a great neighborhood. Even in the 70s and 80s there were more drug deals made outside the lot than in.

But Paramount was more like being at a great university than a movie studio (or fort, which out of necessity is what it looked like). The Harvard of television comedy. When I arrived the Garry Marshall camp was in full force. HAPPY DAYS, LAVERNE & SHIRLEY, and yes, even BLANKSY’S BEAUTIES. Jim Brooks brought his MTM all-star team over to do TAXI and that begat CHEERS, FRASIER, and the various other shows spawned from those writers. Gary David Goldberg set up shop with FAMILY TIES. And of course there was WEBSTER.

And all of us writers from all of these shows knew each other. We’d help each other out on pilots. We’d work on each other’s series. At one time I was directing, writing, and consulting BECKER, FRASIER, and IT’S ALL RELATIVE at the same time. For years I worked on both CHEERS and WINGS.

When writers would bump into each other the first question always asked was, “How late did you guys go last night?” i.e. how long was your rewrite night? If you got out after TAXI than your show was probably in shit shape that week because they always stayed late at TAXI.

And then there were filming nights. This was the age of multi-camera shows. Most filmed the same nights (Tuesday or Friday). After audiences were sent home usually the directors had about an hour or so of pick-ups. There was nothing more boring. So writers would usually wander from stage to stage.

And then there was the C-BAG.

Tomorrow, the C-BAG. (No AMERICAN IDOL review this week. Sorry. My house is being tented and it’s not worth being gassed to recap it.)

This is why you need to follow me on TWITTER

Thank God for Twitter! Without that invaluable service I could never share with friends the really important moment-to-moment details of my life. In case you’re not following me I’ve reassembled the Tweets you most recently missed.

Having a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Going out for magazines.

Is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like John Madden?

Okay. Starting to take the stuff.

Ugggghhh! It tastes terrible. Mood: Irritable.

Thinking of a Staycation this year. Any suggestions where I could stay?

It’s been a half hour. When is this stuff supposed to work?

45 minutes. Still nothing.

53 minutes and counting.

An hour. What’s the deal???

Just filled out my All-Star ballot.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I can breathe. Whew.

YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s working.

8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like… wait a minute….

HOLY FRIGGIN’ SHIT!!!!!!!

How long is this supposed to last?

Oh Christ! I forgot. Today’s the day we scheduled an OPEN HOUSE here.

Dennis Franz. That’s who 8rXX3 thinks Susan Boyle looks like.

No, you can’t see the bathroom! It’s currently occupied!

I would trade my Emmy right now for a Tums.

Wow, there are a lot of ads in VANITY FAIR.

Bowel mood: very irritable.

Hey my legs have gone to sleep. Has that ever happened to you?

There are eight people walking through my house. I almost knocked one down during the last urge.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m in hell.

Moving on to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and MERCENARY LIFE.

Thanks you guys. Hearing your colonoscopy stories have really helped. LOL.

It’s been three hours.

And two rolls.

No offers on the house yet.

How stupid am I part two? Choosing to do this on the day of the TOP CHEF marathon?

Okay. I think the worst is over.

Wrong!!!!

Seriously. Someone. Kill me.

Oh great. My real estate agent just dumped me. For some reason she feels my house doesn’t “show well”.

I’m whipped. Better get some sleep. But here’s the good news: I convinced the doctor to just give me a local. So I’m bringing my laptop and you can expect tweets during the procedure. Please check back every five minutes.

Never sing HOT ROD LINCOLN

One night in a sports bar in Syracuse, New York, I saw the greatest thing. Gary Cohen (now the TV voice of the NY Mets) and Dan Hoard (the voice of University of Cincinnati football and basketball) started reciting the lyrics of 70’s chart topper “Hot Rod Lincoln” real fast, in perfect unison (lyrics provided below). The entire song in less than a minute. When they finished the bar exploded in applause. I thought, this would be a great bit for Norm & Cliff on CHEERS. I laid it out for my partner, David who also thought it might be kind of novel.

So we pitched it the CHEERS producers a few months later when we were about to write a script. They looked at us like we were nuts. I said, “Trust me. This will work. This will become one of those classic CHEERS teasers.”

The producers shrugged, and I guess out of respect to our then-prestigious career said, okay, try it.

When they saw the finished draft they still had reservations. It seemed kind of stupid and pointless but so convinced was I that we had struck comedy gold that I made this offer: David and I would perform it at the table reading. We would show all these skeptics. Again, they said go for it.

Everyone assembled for the table reading. The cast, writing staff, some crew members, the studio, and the network. We took our cue and launched into “Hot Rod Lincoln”. And we were great. Having practiced diligently for a week we kicked some serious ass. Truly awesome! And when we were done….

Nothing. Nada. Dead silence. A vacuum. You could hear crickets from a field a mile away.

Just fifty faces staring at us with a mixture of bewilderment and sheer pity.

The embarrassment of that table reading was of course, just the beginning. Back in the writing room, David Lloyd got it started by saying, “So the ‘Hot Rod Lincoln bit – that worked.” Others said they were still not convinced, would we do it again for them? Next week could we perform “Stairway to Heaven”? These jokes continued…for four years. I’m hoping to out live them all because if not I just know they’ll reprise it at my funeral. Again, this is why I'm sooo glad I wasn't on staff when I went on TV last week with my Stevie Wonder glasses.

Note to young writers: NEVER guarantee a bit will be a classic. And second note to young writers: NEVER EVER make it worse by trying to prove it.

Here are the lyrics (written by Charlie Ryan). It was funny when Gary and Dan did it. REALLY.

My pappy said, 'Son, you're gonna drive me t' drinkin' ...
If you don't quit drivin' that - Hot ... Rod ... Lincoln!'

Well, you've heard the story of the hot rod race,
When the Ford and the Mercury were settin' the pace.
That story's true I'm here to say,
Cause I was a'drivin' that Model A.

It's got a Lincoln motor and it's really souped up;
That Model A body makes it look like a pup.
It's got 12 cylinders and uses them all;
And an overdrive that just won't stall.

It's got a 4-barrel carb and dual exhausts,
4:11 gears that really get lost -
Safety tubes and I'm not scared,
The brakes are good and the tires are fair.

We left San Pedro late one night;
The moon and the stars were shinin' bright.
We were drivin' up Grapevine Hill,
Passin' cars like they were standin' still.

Then, all of a sudden, in the wink of an eye,
a Cadillac sedan passed us by.
The remark was made, "That's the car for me."
But, by then, the taillights wuz all you could see.

Well, the fellers ribbed me for bein' behind,
So I started to make that Lincoln unwind.
Took my foot off the gas and, man alive,
I shoved it down into overdrive.

Well, I wound it up to 110;
Twisted the speedometer cable right off the end.
Had my foot glued right to the floor;
I said, "That's all there is - there ain't no more."

Now the fellas thought I'd lost all sense;
The telephone poles looked like a picket fence.
They said, "Slow down, I see spots."
The lines on the road just looked like dots.

Went around a corner and passed a truck;
I crossed my fingers just for luck -
The fenders clickin' the guard rail post;
The guy beside me was white as a ghost.

Smoke was rollin' outta the back
When I started to gain on that Cadillac
I knew I could catch him and hoped I could pass
But when I did I'd be short on gas.

There were flames comin' from out of the side;
You could feel the tension; man, what a ride.
I said, "Look out, boys, I've got a license to fly"
And the Cadillac pulled over and let me by.

All of a sudden a rod started knockin';
Down in the depths she started a rockin'.
I looked in the mirror and a red light was blinkin';
The cops was after my Hot Rod Lincoln.

Well they arrested me and put me in jail.
I called my pop to make my bail.
He said, "Son, you're gonna drive me t' drinkin',
If you don't quit drivin' that - Hot ... Rod ... Lincoln!"